Thinking like the Grown Ups Do

At some point, I actually passed 400 posts. Yay me. The fact that I've been doing it this long still amazes me.  I'm still seeing worth and benefit from it as well. It's helped me to learn the proper way to handle some other things about my life.

For instance, my therapist gave me an assignment for the week. I was to write down 50 things that would be different in my life if I got down to a healthy weight. For the majority of my life, I would have jotted down a few things the first day of the week, stressed about it for the next five days but not do anything about it, then, the night before, I would rush through the list without any thought or real insight, just to get the damned thing finished.  Oh wait, this is me on a GOOD week. More than likely, I would have written down a few things the first day and then stressed about it the rest of the week, do nothing, and then make excuses as to why when I went to therapy. Assuming I'd go at all.

Instead, I wrote down about ten things the first night, things I could think of that are always pretty clear in my mind about the situation. Over the next several days, I wrote more, allowing myself to really delve deeper into places where my life could and would change.  Tonight, a full day ahead of time, I'm finished with the list . . . and I never even resorted to sarcasm. That's kind of two miracles in one.

The best part is, I actually DID the intended assignment.  See, the list isn't as important as me thinking about what could go on that list. It was a chance for me to take stock with all the things about my life that are not good and how losing weight could improve them. And I don't mean "I'll get a boyfriend and everyone will love me." I'll never have a boyfriend and people already love me.  These two things have nothing to do with me being fat.

I'm talking about things like comfort and mobility and accessibility. More importantly, and this is what I ended the list with, losing weight means I don't have to waste so much time and emotional energy dealing with being fat.  I won't have to stress about everything that is on the list.  Realizing this and reading it back when I was looking at the list made me realize how liberating it would be.

It's funny how, as a rather self-centered culture, we somehow fail to see the things that are truly about us. This assignment wasn't for my therapist's benefit. It's not like when I hand her off the printed up list she's going to be overjoyed, take it home and pin it on her fridge. It I didn't complete the list, it means nothing to her. By the same token, if I complete the list but only half-ass it, it means nothing to her.

But if I half-assed it, it does mean something to me. Or rather, it takes something away from me. The assignment was designed to show me something I wasn't really seeing. If I just rushed it, I never would have seen what I understand now. I would have just been screwing myself.

Damn. I forgot to add "won't just be screwing myself" to the list . . .