Someone asked me to talk about how today is better than it was back when I was younger. Being almost 40, jaded, and pretty bitter about most things, I wasn't sure if this was possible. However, there are some ways that things are better than back when I had perkier breasts. And some of these things, had I possessed them then, could have saved me a lot of money, pain, and grief.
I started college in 1992, and while we had computers, we certainly (in my area) didn't have cheap internet service (it was hellishly expensive), instant messages, or cell phones with free long distance. These days, talking to people across the country or even across the state costs you no more than what you pay for your service. When I was in college, it cost a lot. And my long distance bill was always high.
Actually, the most grief-inducing incident of this happened before college. My best friend graduated a year before I did and so whenever she was away at college, all calls cost me money. Usually we could keep this at a nice low amount. Sometimes that just wasn't possible. This specific time, I called her in the middle of the day (which was more expensive) and kept her on the phone for an hour. I had to. I was deeply upset and needed to talk to her. The call was important to keeping me from doing something bad to myself (remember I was a teenager).
That didn't stop me from dreading the bill. My grandparents were always upset with even the smallest long distance call and I knew this one was going to be big. Fortunately, I got paid before the bill came in, so I had the money to cover it. I still knew I had to prepare them. For three days, I walked to the mailbox to get the mail before they could. Even when the bill came in, I couldn't bring myself to talk to them about it at first. They were both grousing about some other issues, so I was waiting for them to get in a better mood. Of course, after a few days, they started to wonder where the phone bill was.
God. I can still remember everything about this. I was sitting at the dining room table and my whole body was cold. I felt like some spotlight was blasting into me as I told them to come and sit down because I wanted to talk to them about something. They both did, both of them with anger already in their eyes. I knew whatever I said was going to piss them off but it was too late.
"I have the phone bill," I said. "There is a call on it that I made. An expensive call to Tahlequah and I have the money to pay it so it's no big deal." Actually, everything I said was true. I did have the money to pay for the expensive call so it really wasn't a big deal. Except, of course, that it was.
"What call? Who were you calling? How expensive? Hand me that bill!" Of course, once they saw it, their anger redouble because . . .okay, it really wasn't THAT bad, but to them, it was.
"How could you do this to us? We give you everything! What were you thinking? What COULD you be talking to someone about for that long?"
I shut down a lot during conflicts and I know it frustrates people. However, over the years, I've learned that you just can't talk to angry people. They don't listen. They really don't care. They just want to bask in their anger and feel all important because of course the whole world, and especially YOU are fucking them over just as hard as possible. Besides, how can you really articulate a situation like this?
"Here's the thing, grandparents, I'm a teenager and there are things in my life that, when I am older, I will realize I blew way out of proportion. Right now, however, they feel like the biggest things ever. When I made this call, every part of me was suffering and I knew the only person who could talk me through it was my best friend. She's the only one who understands. So, at the moment, making that call was way more important than any consequences from it. I knew I would have the money to pay for it, even though I knew you two would put me through hell over it."
"As to why I hid the bill from you, while this may not seem sane or rational, you have to realize you make me feel quite INsane and IRrational most of the time, because you always escalate any minor situation into a major one. Any slight, any imperfection, any moment when I prove to be a flawed human creates this reaction in you to where you bitch at me for hours. I could handle the bitchfest, but it's these looks you give me, like I just gutted you or stomped on the head of baby or something, that makes it so much worse. I'm sorry you're raising me instead of my mother, but every little thing I do shouldn't be treated like I just blew up the house."
Of course, I said none of this. I just slammed the money on the table on top of the bill and ran into my room to hide. They spent the next half hour loudly discussing why I was so emotional and reactionary and bemoaning the fact that by running up the telephone bill, I would soon be just like my mother. Morbidly, I would listen to this for a while, but then put on my headphones and just block them out. I knew the bill would now get paid without anyone getting shot for running it up so high (or whatever they thought would happen that could have made them so upset) and everything would go back to "normal."
Had I had internet access, instant messaging, email, a cell phone, or the like, I could have talked this out with my best friend with no problem whatsoever. They wouldn't have known. Life would have gone on as usual, or you know, until I fucked up everything again. Now, I know that some teenagers now still run up high phone bills, but this is usually due to texting. I hate texting, so maybe I could have avoided that one.
No comments:
Post a Comment