The subject reminds me of the Ishtar chapter in Neil Gaiman's Sandman: Brief Lives. While the overall theme of the graphic novel is Dream's search for Destruction, Gaiman also discusses and foreshadows a lot about the idea of mortality. He also shows what some ancient gods are doing with their time in the modern age.
Ishtar, for example, is working as a stripper in a club called Suffragette City (heh!). In the scene I'm talking about, she is talking with her roommate, also a stripper, as they're on their way to work. Her friend is telling her about a woman she knew who was a heroin addict. They didn't want her to shoot up in her arms because it left bruises so she started shooting up in her eye. Ishtar's reply to this is something like, "The things we do to be loved."
To me, this has always been a great analogy for how I see the lengths most people will go to for love. They will do something dangerous, painful, scary, and harmful just to feel those fleeting moments of goodness. It's depressing and sad, horrible. And while most people would see putting a needle in their eye as objectionable and wrong, many of the other things we do for love, while just as ghastly, are considered normal and common place.
This topic was basically the theme of my mother's life. Since I could remember, my mother's two motivating forces were AVOIDANCE OF MOTHER (as in, hers) and BE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH MAN. As you can imagine, most of the time, these two motivations clashed a lot. My mom would do just about anything she could to avoid hearing my grandmother bitch at her. She'd also do anything she could to keep a man in her life.
In fact, aside from a few blissful years, my mother always DID have a man in her life. Hell, even then, she had men in her life, they just didn't stay around. The rest of the time, she was willing to do anything to keep the man there. She was beaten, lived in poverty, worked to support the man, endured abuse, violence, allowed horrible things to happen to her children, and lost just about everything she had. And the only reason she would EVER get rid of one of her horrible men would be if some other man was already lined up to take his place.
As you can see, I didn't really have a good example of love. In fact, almost every relationship I've ever been witness to has been pretty twisted and warped. When I was younger, I was in love with someone. I was also pretty psycho about it. I'd call him all the time, I'd obsessively think about him, all that other bullshit that I'm even embarrassed to talk about now. It was just a mess and he completely wasn't worth it.
I did gain a lot of value from that. I realized (far later in life), that if a relationship isn't bringing out good things in you, then you shouldn't be in the relationship. If you aren't happy, end it. If you find yourself crying a lot, end it. If you feel like you have to walk in eggshells all the time just to keep this person from flying off the handle, end it. If you find you're only happy when this other person isn't around or isn't talking, end it.
I know it's not always easy to get out, but you should. Even if you can't do it at the moment, realize that it needs to end and start making plans to where that can happen. And every time you start straying from your plan, remind yourself of how deeply awful your life is with this person. Remind yourself that you have a goal for freedom. No one should have to live in misery.
So what have I done for love? Stupid things.
What will I do for love now?
I'll live my life to the best of my ability. I'll continue to press on with my goals of trying to make the most of my body and mind. I'll revel in my own beauty and dance to stupid theme music. When something in my life sucks, I'll remember it doesn't have to be this way. I'll start making plans to change whatever it is. I'll do what I have to, no matter what, just to make sure I'm happy, stable, and content.
And yes, I realize none of that has anything to do with romantic love. It shouldn't. I won't do anything for romantic love. If it shows up, it shows up. Romantic love isn't some reward for jumping through all the social hoops. That's just fake bullshit. Romantic love is when someone loves you for you. And as supermodel of the world and famed philosopher RuPaul says, "If you can't love yourself, how in hell you gonna love someone else?"
Can I get an amen?
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