I'm actually very good at paying my bills but that was not always the case. For many years, bill paying for me was, at best, sketchy. I would say I had good intentions, but I would be lying. For most of my life, paying my bills came with some kind of disconnect. It's only been recently that I started to understand why.
My handling of money during college is probably the best example of this, though not the only one. My roommate has always described college as a time of feast or famine. This was quite true for me. I would sweat out the first several weeks, stretching out my remaining dollars as I waited for Financial Aid to kick in. I have no idea what would happen after that. Everything was a blur of failed budgets, music videos, and sunflower seeds (bad addiction to those) that ended with me opening my eyes and realizing I was broke again.
I understand part of why this happened because I still somewhat go through it now. When you spend a lot of time being poor and desperate, there is absolutely no drug as powerful or as overwhelming as safety. Feeling safe, hell, even the illusion of safety, sets off an immense chemical reaction. Nothing feels as good. Not love. Not hope. Nothing. And if you are reading this and think I'm making this up then lucky you. That means the feeling of safety is a constant thing for you.
That isn't the case for everyone and certainly not for me. Feeling safe, especially in a financial sense, was so rare that when it did happen the flood of chemicals unleashed in my system would kind of drive me insane for a while. I wanted to celebrate. I wanted to stop depriving myself of things. I wanted the happy feelings to last and last . . . which, of course, was the exact mentality that insured I would blow through my money and be back to feeling poor, terrified, and awful.
The biggest problem with financial planners is that they want people to look at money analytically and unemotionally. They want people to make logical and reasonable decisions about their money. For people who have never had a secure financial situation, there is probably no larger emotional quagmire than money. Money isn't logical to us. Money is an extremely emotional issue. When we don't have it, we're scared and devastated. When we do have it, we're so high on the feeling of security that we're practically loopy.
As you mature, you begin to realize that you don't want to stay in that cycle of fear and ecstasy. This is usually when most poor people say, "I don't care about money." I've said this myself. "I don't care about money. I don't have to be rich. I don't want to be driven by the need for more and more material possessions." And all of this is true. Actually, the last half of it was true even before I made the statement. I really don't care that much about having tons of things. Most of the time, I feel like I have too many things. And saying I don't have to be rich is twee because I'll never be rich anyway.
I'm lying when I say I don't care about money. Well, no, not lying. I'm misplacing the meaning of what money really is. It's not so much that I care about paper in my hand or numbers on a screen. That isn't that important.
Safety and security, however, ARE very important. I know that in my society, money is a large part of how people gain safety. I can spend all day wishing that wasn't so, but it is. I want to feel safe because I know the hell of not feeling safe. I know what it's like to have that crushing feeling of a bill being due that you can't pay. I know what it's like to be on the phone, repeating the whole longass line of account numbers in order to gain a couple more weeks of security before you have to pay the bill.
These days, my bills get paid as soon as possible. My very simple, yet totally functional for me system is based around a zip bag I carry in my purse. When a bill comes in, I open it right then. If it's the first bill I get in for the month, the envelope it came in gets labeled with month/year. All the rest of the bills for the month go into that envelope and the whole thing is placed in the zip bag in my purse. Within days of the first of the month, all bills are paid and labeled as paid. That way, it's out of my mind and I don't have to think about it.
This is how strong the desire for safety can be. The moment those bills are paid, my body still sends out a rush of intense relief. I still feel the old safety drug coursing through my veins. I'm thrilled I have a place to live and all utilities will continue. I let myself enjoy that sense of security and try not to fear that it will go away.
As you mature, you begin to realize that you don't want to stay in that cycle of fear and ecstasy. This is usually when most poor people say, "I don't care about money." I've said this myself. "I don't care about money. I don't have to be rich. I don't want to be driven by the need for more and more material possessions." And all of this is true. Actually, the last half of it was true even before I made the statement. I really don't care that much about having tons of things. Most of the time, I feel like I have too many things. And saying I don't have to be rich is twee because I'll never be rich anyway.
I'm lying when I say I don't care about money. Well, no, not lying. I'm misplacing the meaning of what money really is. It's not so much that I care about paper in my hand or numbers on a screen. That isn't that important.
Safety and security, however, ARE very important. I know that in my society, money is a large part of how people gain safety. I can spend all day wishing that wasn't so, but it is. I want to feel safe because I know the hell of not feeling safe. I know what it's like to have that crushing feeling of a bill being due that you can't pay. I know what it's like to be on the phone, repeating the whole longass line of account numbers in order to gain a couple more weeks of security before you have to pay the bill.
These days, my bills get paid as soon as possible. My very simple, yet totally functional for me system is based around a zip bag I carry in my purse. When a bill comes in, I open it right then. If it's the first bill I get in for the month, the envelope it came in gets labeled with month/year. All the rest of the bills for the month go into that envelope and the whole thing is placed in the zip bag in my purse. Within days of the first of the month, all bills are paid and labeled as paid. That way, it's out of my mind and I don't have to think about it.
This is how strong the desire for safety can be. The moment those bills are paid, my body still sends out a rush of intense relief. I still feel the old safety drug coursing through my veins. I'm thrilled I have a place to live and all utilities will continue. I let myself enjoy that sense of security and try not to fear that it will go away.
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