Bahhh

I am having to go to Tulsa to talk to a more experienced specialist about one of my medical issues. I'm not happy about this. I DO NOT want to go to Tulsa to talk to anyone, as this involves a trip to Tulsa (expensive and long) and meeting new people and speaking to them about personal topics that I do not wish to discuss. Actually, even if I was talking to them about NONpersonal topics, I still wouldn't want to do it. I've reached my quota of meeting/talking to new people already for the year.

I thought I had managed to construct a bit of a safety net for myself. My SIL said she would take me, but her time is always busy and she couldn't do it for another three weeks. As far as I was concerned, this was great! It gave me some downtime to not have to deal with appointments or travel or meeting new people. For a bit, I could just go on with my life without the worry of all this medical hell. When I handed my time schedule to my doctor, I felt a sense of relief because I would have a cushion.

OR SO I THOUGHT! I got a call today and was told that the specialist will be seeing new patients next week on Thursday and I need to be there by 11. No respecting my timeline. No asking if I can get a ride, just "this is when you can come so you best be showing up Thanks."

I just........what the hell?

Sigh. So I don't get what I want. I don't get my nice, safe weeks where I can just be me and maybe sleep and maybe get some sense of normalcy brought back into my life. No, I get another week where I have to go see a doctor. I get another week of questions and judgments. I get another trip to a place I've never been, another frantic hope that we read Google maps correctly, another morning of nervously hoping the van doesn't screw up and I miss a crucial appointment. I get the hell of being stressed out over things I can't control, as money is spent, bills are incurred, and perhaps, when it is all said and done, nothing will change.

I know I'll probably make peace with this in a couple of days. Realistically, it's probably best to have the appointment sooner rather than later, because it things don't go the way I need them to, I need to make alternative plans as soon as possible. This IS for the best, even if it isn't what feels best to me emotionally.

I think the biggest problem is that I hate having so little control about all of this. The problem with dealing with doctors and illness and all of that is that you, as the patient, are mostly in their hands. You can choose to show up to appointments or not. You can choose to allow them to work on you or not. Past that, all the needles and knives and people seeing you naked and answering a million questions....it is just something you have to endure, with very little say in the matter. I fucking hate that.

But there is not one thing I can do about it, except show up to my appointment and hope for the best.