The Motherload

They posted an article on Jezebel about women who regret the fact that they became mothers. These women tried to love their kids, but no love was really there. They did their best to take care of the children and to meet their needs, but there was never any pleasure in it. In fact, they felt like it stripped them of who they were while bringing nothing to them in return.

In the comments, a lot of people were outraged about this. Many of them were people who had their own mothers who regretted having them. They wrote about how they always felt they couldn't be good enough. Their mothers made them feel guilty because they had ruined their lives. They talked about how this wasn't fair to the children, and it's not. A child does not ask to be born. She is not responsible for what happens to the lives of her parents due to the fact of her birth.

At the same time, I think it IS very important that we, as a culture, talk about the fact that motherhood isn't for everyone. It's almost like most women feel that if they admit that being a parent isn't something they enjoy, someone will shoot them. Sadly, in some cases, that isn't so far from the truth. Even a lot of Mommy bloggers who discuss how hard being a parent can be get flack from people who claim they are just trying to be martyrs or get attention.

[Okay, side rant here. And I'm sure I have talked about this before. People need to back the fuck off the whole 'they're just trying to get attention' thing. So what if people are trying to get attention? Since when was it BAD to want attention? We all deserve attention, dammit. Perhaps the person seeking attention is not doing it in the most constructive way. Fine. Discuss their methods, not the mere fact that they want attention. If someone bitches at you for wanting attention, tell them to fuck off. If they suggest that perhaps you could find attention in a more constructive manner than bothering shoppers at Walmart, then perhaps you should consider another  method. Methods can change, but wanting attention is perfectly fine.]

My grandmother hated being a mother. She could never come out and just admit she hated it though, so it manifested in other ways. It showed in her outright resentment towards my mother and her belief that my uncle was only useful if he was helping her with things. My mother hated being a mother. She told me as much, quite often. In her list of priorities, we were waaaay down at the bottom. And yet, she never tried to get rid of us when we were younger, because she would have been demonized by those around her.

I wonder how different things could have been if our society was open and understanding enough for Grandma or Mom to just be able to publicly say, "I hate this and I'm not good at it. Can someone who likes kids come take these from me?" How different could my mother and uncle's lives have been had they been raised by people who chose to care for them and love them? How different would the lives of my brother and me be if we could have been raised by people who really wanted us, people who put parenthood as their priority?

There is also the fact that for some women, there honestly just is no bond between them and their children. They feel nothing. They may try. They may even regret that they don't, but in the end, it just isn't there. I think this might have been the case for me. I'm not good at love. There are a very, very select few people that I love in this world. And while I can be quite nurturing to my cats, they don't talk all the time or scream or bitch because I bought them the wrong kind of shoes. A level of quiet communication goes a long way.

I think it's also important that women talk about how they regret becoming mothers because it is a good message for women 'on the fence' about having kids to hear. So often, we hear the gushy, bubblegum statements of 'Oh you will love your own child so much' or 'once you have a baby, all of this just makes so much more sense.' It's nice that it's that way for some people, maybe even a lot of people. It isn't that way for everyone though, and I would much rather regret NOT having a kid than regret having one.

People who regret their children are just as entitled to express that regret as anyone else is about any other topic. They need safe places to do that. They need havens where they can be honest about their experiences and not feel like someone is going to jump down their throat about it. Being able to acknowledge that this experience sucks for you may be the first step in finding ways to where perhaps it doesn't suck so much. How can you get there, however, if you never feel safe to discuss the truth?

I will say this, if you're someone who regrets your decision to become a parent, you can talk to me. I won't judge you. I won't try to talk you out of how you feel. I certainly won't love you less. I will listen. I am willing to be your haven about this. And if you don't feel comfortable talking to me, I hope you find someone. I really do.