January Leaves Us

It's the last day of January and for the first time in two years, nothing scary or horrible happened during this month. Yay! This is such a good thing. I was starting to believe this month was cursed for me. It's so awesome not to have scary money stuff or scary health stuff happen! It's also great that I didn't snap a mouse trap on my finger. That also happened during a January.

Instead, I got to spend this month being brave. I was presented with times when I could opt to do the thing I usually do and stay in my little cocoon of comfort or I could do the thing that was risky for me and maybe change things. I have tried my best to opt for the changes. We'll see what comes of them. I am fully well aware that maybe only bad things will come, but at least I'm trying to be bold.

In a way, I think I have the last two Januaries to thank for this. During the last two years, I was forced to do a lot of things I did not want to do. I was often scared and searching for answers on how to get out of the state of scared. I had to go places like hospitals and talk to people with needles. I endured events that were quite nightmarish. And while I'm still, in many ways, pretty messed up about all of that, I also somehow happened to survive it.

Given that I did, I think maybe it's made me a tab bit more brave. After all, most of the time, my life choices aren't going to involve surgeries, cancer, or people sticking sharp objects inside me. And if I can survive those things, I can surely survive whatever opportunities are presented to  me. "They may not have a comfortable chair" is far less of a problem than "they may not find a usable vein for two hours." Last year really put a lot of things into perspective for me.

So I'm leaving this month with a feeling of empowerment. Will stuff come up? Yes. Maybe even some terrifying stuff. At the same time, I've survived scary stuff before. Surely I can do it again.

Safe Places

This time last year, I'd lost something that was very vital to my life. I'd lost the ability to be comfortable in my own bed. After so many nights of being in horrible bloody conditions, all of which took place in  that bed, I dreaded the idea of even being in my room.

There are many things that were going wrong in my life at that time, but this, while seemingly minor, was more of the more dehumanizing. A bedroom, and a bed, should be a safe place. It is, after all, where you are your most vulnerable. For many people, it's one of the few spaces they can claim as their own. I've always had a strong connection with my bedrooms and my beds. Growing up in chaotic households, often my room was my only safe place.

Losing that sense of security was rough on me. This time last year, I hated my room, worse, I feared it. I felt I had no safe place of my own. I felt very lost. In a time when I most needed sleep, I would find excuses to stay awake, to stay out of my room.

A year later, this part of my PTSD is, thankfully, gone. My room is my haven again. It's back to being the most relaxing place in my life. When I look at my room now, I know I have a lot more history in there. IT IS the place where I thought I would bleed to death, but it's also the place where I began to gain my strength. It is the place where I hid whenever I found out I had cancer. It's the place where I healed.

When I lay down tonight, I won't do so in fear. I'll do so in comfort and happiness. It's MY room again. I am very grateful for that.

A Year's Difference

I am at my best friend's house tonight. A year ago, I was also here, for the first time since the hellblood had started. When I was there last year, I could only stay for a few hours. I was exhausted and trembling by the time I got home. It was bad, but at the same time, it was good. I was out of the house. I'd gone about 36 hours without bleeding. It was, really, the first light at the end of the tunnel, or so I thought.

This year, I am here to spend the night. I am going to be here tomorrow to help with her baby. This is so far beyond where I was last year that it's almost like being a different person. Hell, I suppose in many ways, I am. I'm happy about that. I did not like version of me. She felt like she was going to die.I kind of don't.

Anyway, I'm typing on a laptop and it isn't easy. This post will be short. I'll write more tomorrow.

Warmth in Defiance of Trend

When my roommate and I walked outside today to take  the trash to the curb, something happened that I was totally not expecting. It was WARM. Seriously warm. I commented on this as the breeze hit me. That was even more warm. When we went back inside, he opted to leave the backdoor open and just locked the screen. In JANUARY, we had the doors and windows open.

I have to admit, it was pretty nice to do this. Winter can get so closed off and dire. To be able to get some real fresh air inside was damned nice. The cats loved it too. Or, at least, I assume they did. You can never tell with cats.

It cooled down as the day waned, but considering that some people are buried in snow right now, I count this as a very lucky day. You know I hate hot weather, but I do enjoy WARM weather. Yes, there is a difference.

I think it tired the cats out though. Rowan is sleeping in a little ball in front of me. Sweet thing. Anyway, a good day. Joy.

A Year Stronger

A year ago today, I folded towels. This was the first real act of any kind of work I'd done since I started the hellblood. This is one of those days I DO remember, because it was really damned awful. Folding the towels seemed to go on and on and on. I was out of breath and shaky during most of it. I had to take several breaks and just let myself rest. When I finished, I had to deal with another long bout of bleeding/clotting. It was a strange bleed and probably one of the last ones I had. Still, it was pretty awful. By the end of the blog post, I was fairly certain the Depo shot was a failure.

Contrast that with me folding towels last week. It took about 10 minutes and I put them away myself. It really wasn't anything, just a minor activity in my day.

My roommate, who is HIV+, has talked a lot about how fatigue is one of the most difficult things to learn to live with. HIV+ people have days when they feel like they always did, and then days when it's difficult to even get out of bed. Of course, this isn't the only condition that causes fatigue. Many people live with this on a daily basis.

And in retrospect, I can say that being exhausted WAS the hardest part of what happened last year. Fatigue is worse than pain, worse than fear, worse than anything because it makes all of the other bad things so much more difficult to handle. I felt like everything inside me was crumbling. I worried I would never gain it back.

I did though, and then some. Strength is my goal and my asset. I'm glad I have a chance to grow into a stronger version of myself. Having lost what little strength I did have, I know the value of it. As scary as that time was, learning the value of my own strength was a good lesson.

Change and Stuff

Tomorrow is my first day at the new therapy place. I'm a little nervous about it, but mostly excited. I have some concerns, but I'm not going to let them get to me. Things will work out as they need to work out.

This is very different than last time I changed therapy places. Mind you, in that case, I was just changing buildings, not going to a whole new establishment. Even still, I skipped two weeks of therapy, just working up the courage to go. I would drive up to the building and then drive off, terrified. That is how much I hated the idea of changing things.

Which, okay, I don't exactly LOVE the idea of change now. It still freaks me out. However, I'm also of the opinion that I need to embrace the changes presented to me, otherwise, nothing is going to get better. Nothing is going to happen. Things will just stay the same. I'm not saying my life is bad, but it certainly could be better. It isn't going to get better if I don't try to do anything about it.

Anyway, tomorrow is a turning point for me. It will be interesting to see how things are in a year when I come back to this date. Perhaps very little will be different from this move. Then again, a lot of stuff could be.

Forgotten Moments of Despair

A year ago today, I was updating the blog about my first weekend after the Depo shot.  I have to say that I'm glad I documented a lot of the stuff that happened during this time because I honestly have no real memory of it. Other than the really scary days and the really humiliating days, everything else is really just a blur. That concerns me, as I've mentioned before, but there really isn't anything I can do about it.

There are some things that maybe it's best I don't remember. The 25 of January in 2014 was really bad for me, probably one of my lowest points. The shot hadn't started working yet and I'd been through so much bleeding that I really didn't think it would. I was also in a lot of pain. My back was causing me a lot of problems and according to the blog, I couldn't find a position to where I was comfortable. I was dizzy and very emotional.

I read my blog about this and I could sense my desperation, but I really don't have a memory of it. That puts me in an interesting position, because how do I reflect on what I learned when I don't remember the day at all? Although,  the fact that I can't remember it doesn't alter the proof of how dire it was for me. From what I wrote, I was in a very VERY bad place on this day. I felt demoralized and hopeless. I really didn't think things would be better.

It got better though. The drugs kicked in. I gained some strength back. I learned to function and feel like a person again. One of the things I wrote in that post is that I didn't think I could ever feel comfortable in my own skin again, and today, I feel more comfortable in my skin than I have in years.  Having more strength and more flexibility had lead to me going for longer periods of time without pain. That's pretty nice.

I am very lucky. I'm not going to discredit the work I've done to get myself to this point, but I'm also going to acknowledge the universe and the powers that be that helped it to happen. Things can get better, but a lot of hard work on your part and fortune along with it make that happen. They never get better just on their own.

The real lesson here for me is that in those dark hours, maybe, in the moments that I can, I will try to think of plans to get myself out of the situation. I will remember reading the blog about last year (because I can't actually remember last year) and I will understand that there are ways out of the moments of despair. And yes, that is a bit cliche, but let's face it, sometimes it's a cliche we don't buy into. There are minutes that feel like they last eons because they hurt so bad. We know they'll pass, but finding a way through them seems impossible.

You know, after all the PTSD I feel about last year, maybe it's good that some of the details are pretty sketchy or just missing. Feeling hopeless is probably one of the worst things in the world. It breaks parts of you and sometimes you never heal them back. I have blank spaces now.

Even still, I'm stronger than I was.

Book Trolls

I think in the long list of people I just don't understand, anti-authors are certainly some of them. There are groups of people (on Amazon and Good Reads and places that tend to review books) who spend the majority of their time finding ways to rip authors apart. New authors, who write about anything these people find objectionable, are lambasted and demonized. Established authors are also criticized, often with long lists of all the 'sins' the writers commit.

Seriously, what the hell?

No, wait. I know. This is mob mentality trolling.  This is a situation where people are trying to control and harm others by using online bullying techniques.  It's harmful and it's wrong. It's keeping a lot of good writers from telling their stories, or maybe even from being able to let people find their stories.  It's going to limit what we have.

How is this even possible? It usually goes something like this. The book trolls will decide they hate an author. If they are on Good Reads, they will begin to give that author really bad reviews. They will write, often at length, about how horrible the book is. If someone writes a good review, they will rant at that person about how wrong they are. They will do anything they can to discredit the author.

On Amazon, they will do basically the same things, often to a greater level of detriment because this is a place to sell books. They will give bad reviews and horrible ratings. And think about how that can impact the author. Many times if someone is looking for a book in general, they'll narrow the search for 'highest rated.' If the author has been targeted by these people, they will never make the cut for that search.

One of the weird things about the internet is that people have found ways to harm others with little to no risk of anything happening to them. They can destroy people's careers or accuse them of things, all behind a wall of anonymity.  This clearly gives them a sense of power and it's a kind of low risks bullying that they see as fulfilling some kind of sick need inside them.

I think the best advice I can give someone when they are looking at book rating is to really consider what the reviews are saying. Do they seem overly critical? Do  they seem to focus on aspects that have very little do to with the book's merits, such as details about the author's personal life? Does the person reviewing the book have an abnormally large number of books they've reviewed? If so, it's probably best to discard that review when making your decision about the book.

This will not only be more fair to the author, maybe it will help to make a dent in the book trolling. The only true way to fight a troll is to refuse to acknowledge its existence. It's really the only way to fight back at this point.

State Congressional Stupidity

Today it was announced that not one but two congressional people from my state were proposing bills to discriminate against gay people. One bill would allow parents to send their minor gay kids through conversion therapy. Two bills are about limiting gay marriage. The other bill is about allowing business to refuse service to gay people. On one hand, I'm somewhat flabbergasted these are actual bills being proposed in 2015. On the other hand, I'm not.

There was a time when 'religious freedom' meant that we worked to insure that people didn't oppress people with religious convictions. These days, it seems that 'religious freedom' is about being allowed to oppress people who don't share your religious convictions. 'Oh, you don't want me to limit marriage to just the people I approve of, so you're oppressing me.' I just don't think that's how it works.

To be fair, one of the congressional darlings isn't JUST targeting gay people with his bill. It would require anyone who wants to be married to have the approval of a religious leader of the Christian or Jewish faith. You'll notice that takes out quite a few people who really don't want religious folks involved in their matrimony. He didn't seem to care though. Way to represent ALL the people, man.

As scary as the marriage laws are though, they're no where near as bad as the minors being legally forced into conversion therapy by their parents. Considering that conversion therapy is something done by people who are quacks and charlatans (because it doesn't work), at the very least, these families will be tossing money at something that won't intrinsically change.

At the very worse? Well, all kinds of horror stories about conversion have come out over the years. Some people are forced to take drugs that make them physically ill while shown pictures of gay acts. Others are beaten. Some are raped. For a lawmaker in my state to wish for this to be a legal thing to do to kids is disturbing.

I think the one about not doing business with gay people is just stupid. It isn't like bakeries and florists are just up to their armpits in orders most of the time. Anyone who comes in and would like your services should be seen as a good thing. If you don't work with gay couples, not only will you never have their business, but you'll also lose the business of anyone who sees that as a dick move on your part. And a lot of people will.

As for refusals at other establishments, this one is also just plainly not fair. It's all about appearances and really ONLY appearances. Two very traditionally masculine gay men could walk in and everyone would assume they're just two buddies there to talk about beer and women. Two rather nonmasculine straight men could walk in and get denied. I could walk in with my gay roommate and no one would say anything. They would assume he was straight. And what happens when a large group of people walk in? What if one of them is a choir director? You just really can't tell at face value.

I am hoping none of this nonsense will pass, but with my state, you never know. Maybe they'll surprise me and fire up that collective brain cell. I doubt it, but maybe.

Assertiveness as Theory

A year ago today, I wrote about how I was second guessing myself over the bleeding. This kind of thing is common, of course, especially when doctors and medical professionals aren't taking you seriously. I'd started to believe maybe they were right. Maybe they were handling this with the proper level of attention and I was just overreacting because it was scary, painful, and horrifying.

As we all know, I wasn't wrong. In fact, the situation was even more dire than I thought it was.  I was totally right to trust what was going on with me and I'm somewhat upset that I questioned it. Then again, there are plenty of reasons why that happens.

A lot of the time when it comes to our health and decisions, many people are still treated like children by default. This is both an internal and an external thing. Often we feel we need permission to complain or make changes. We feel we won't be taken seriously unless we have proof and justification. This is one of the reasons why it's always such a relief when they actually diagnose you with something. There is a name for it, a plan to follow. And suddenly, people handle the situation with more gravity.

There is also the tendency to want to believe the medical authorities when they make light of your situation. No one wants to know they're having serious medical issues. I think the best (and most painful) example of this was my grandmother. She went to a doctor for a couple of years, always complaining about the pain in her legs. He told her it was just old age issues. Turns out, she had metastasized cancer in them. She knew something was wrong, but the idea of something being TRULY wrong was so scary, she just ignored it for as long as she could.

If any lesson was learned from this moment of doubt, it was that I am an adult, as scary as that may be, and fully within my rights to be taken seriously. When I deal with medical professionals, I have the right to direct the course of the conversation, to ask the questions I feel should be asked, and to wait until I get answers. I don't have to sit there and just cower and act like they're doing me a favor for even seeing me.

That's always easier in theory than it is in practice. It's so easy to walk into a doctor's office and just meekly accept what they say. That doesn't exactly do me any good though. It really needs to stop.

That Change Thing

My therapist called me today and told me she would no longer be with the counseling center I go to. I was offered a choice. I could either stay with the center and get a new therapist or follow her to the new location. My first impulse was to stay at the center and let her go. This was, I am quite sure, the fear response. Instead, I opted to leave my current place and follow her to the new one.

Why?  Well, it has to do with a New Year's Resolution I made. I resolved to embrace opportunities. I tend to NOT embrace them, usually out of fear. I tend to just look at all the possible negative things that could happen, basically brushing aside the benefits I may gain from the chance to do something new.

Do you know what that has gained me? Precious little, honestly. The years pass by with little to no differences happening day to day. My life doesn't improve, it just stays more or less the same. I'm not being hurt, but I'm not exactly moving forward either.

Last year, as you all well know, I was forced to deal with changes. I had to go places I didn't want to go and have surgeries and fill out forms and talk to people and arrange trips. Did I gain from all of that? Yes. I did. Even though most of it was horrifying, embarrassing, and painful, I most certainly gained from it.

Will I gain anything from moving to this new place? Perhaps not. Perhaps it will be a hassle and I'll hate it and things will be just awful all the time. However, I won't know if I never try. I'm going to try. It may prove to be a great thing for me.

Kinship

It was about this time last year when I began to really look at older women and aging in a new light. Going through what I did last year made me understand the hell that it is to go through menopause and the changes of life. And trust me, it is hellish.

A lot of women feel that when they have the hysterectomy, especially a radical one like mine, it makes them feel weird about their womanhood. It didn't for me. In fact, it was the opposite, I think. I feel more connected to my sense of being a woman than I ever have before.

I think it's because I see this as me finally participating in a womanly rite of passage. Sure, I started my period as a kid, but that was always weirdly touch and go with me. I never experienced pregnancy or birth. In fact, aside from not being taken seriously and having to wear a bra, I've felt like my participation as a woman has been pretty minimal.

I participated in this hellish ending of my fertile years though! I participated in the gory, nasty, terrifying doom of my uterus. I got to lurk on forums and discussion sites about hysterectomies and feel a kinship with the women there. For the first time, I feel like I could relate to the experience. I wasn't that 'weird girl' standing over in the corner with nothing to say! I was the weird girl who also had the scary surgery!

Research, Reflection, and Dread

A year ago today, I was doing research about hysterectomies.  This was really the first time I did serious research about it and it scared me so much. The idea of being unable to drive or really heal for six weeks seemed so daunting. I remembered hoping there was a way around it. I remember thinking I absolutely could not handle it, or even live through it. Yet somehow, I did.

I guess the lesson I learned was that sometimes the things you think you can't handle are within your capacity to handle. They're not easy. In fact, sometimes they're even more horrible and complicated than you may think.  You can handle them though. I can handle them.

As I have said before, last year was full of more dread, pain, violation, and despair than any year I have ever faced. I shut down and pushed through. Did it make me stronger? Maybe. Maybe not. I did, however, make me more confident about things. Well, somewhat. I still clearly have panic attacks when I go to the doctor, but even then, I know I can survive them.

I will survive.

Well, I'll survive until I die, but then I won't know the difference.

Necessary Violations

A year ago yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. I'd been bleeding for so long and so badly that I finally knew I needed to go to the ER. I did as much as I could to insure I was protected and then had my roommate drive me over there.

The trip seemed to take forever. I was very dizzy and weak. I remember telling him that I was thankful for our friendship. I wasn't trying to be dramatic. I was pretty sure I was going to die. Once we were finally there, I spent some time waiting for them to get me a fatsized wheelchair and then I was taken to a room.

I didn't know it at the time, but several firsts were happening for me. The first time in a hospital that year. The first needles being poked into me. The first of a series of having people stick things inside my vagina. The first of a series of times of people looking at my nakedness. At the moment, I didn't care. I just wanted help. I needed help. I didn't exactly get a lot.

I spent quite a few hours at the ER. During my exam, for some insane reason, my body had decided to STOP spurting out gore. An hour or so later, it began again, with a vengeance this time. I really feel sorry for whatever person had to clean up that room. I left blood all over the place.

By the time we got home, it was worse. Horrible clots shot out of my body. My roommate was trying to help me back into bed and he had to witness some of this. He took it in stride though. By the time I was able to lay down, I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the rest of the evening. I just slept, only getting up when I needed to clean myself from the blood spillage.

I felt horrible that day. I was embarrassed. I didn't think I would ever get any real help. I was exhausted from the blood loss. I felt like I would never really be clean again. I felt like I would never be in a clean room again, just.....always a messy one, with things soaked in pools of blood. I just didn't know if things could get better. And even more so than in the car trip over there, I thought I was going to die from this.

It's not a day I want to repeat. I've been trying to look for the good in all of the stuff that happened last year, but ER day is still hard on me. There were good things. My roommate was wonderful. The nurses treated me very well. My brother, who is also a nurse, came and sat with me. He was wonderful and kept me informed of what was going on. Things could have been a lot worse.

Maybe the good of this day is the fact that it was the start of me getting used to being in hospitals and dealing with the myriad of necessary violations that happen there. The last time I'd deal with hospitals had been in my 20s. Last year was the Year of Hospital Stays for me and the trip to the ER was the start of that.

Even as I write this, thinking about that day still fills me with a lot of trauma. I am no where near ready to make peace with it yet. If anything, I'm just glad I'm sitting here in my house, in reasonably clean circumstances, and with a rather strong sense of self. I didn't have to let anyone see me naked today. Yay.

Educational TV Nostalgia

You know what I miss? I miss the shows that used to be on TLC and HGTV where experts would come into your house, get rid of all your junk, and reorganize it into a clean, functioning space. I miss the shows where they taught people how to stage their home. I miss How to Boil Water, where the basics of cooking were discussed. I miss What Not to Wear, a show were you were taught how to dress for your body shape/type.

It seems that TV programs designed to help people live better lives have been replaced by shows of competition and exploitation. Yes, I know a lot of people loves them some Duggars, but loving them doesn't change the fact that it's exploitation. Simple, quiet shows with a level of pedestrian dignity have been replaced by loud voices and, quite often, the most annoying humans one could find.

Why did the beneficial shows end? It wasn't because everyone got organized, learned to cook, and started dressing better. If the exploitation shows have taught us anything, it's THAT. Why did we stop showing people programs about how they could improve their lives? Everyone needs some help with that. Those shows were fun, informative, and most of all, calming. Why did we stop them?

There are still some shining lights on PBS. Every weekend, my roommate and I catch America's Test Kitchen  or its sister show Cook's Country. Both programs (which feature most of the same people) still have the kind of comforting, informative, and fun atmosphere as the ones TLC and HGTV used to show. It's like one of the few bits of sanity left. I'm glad we still have it.

Happiness Revisited

I used to write a lot about happiness. Remember that? It was quite a few years ago. Anyway, I read something today that reminded me about the fact that I used to write about happiness and I thought I'd discuss it again. At least this once.

The article in question was about a woman who had lost 150 lbs. In her case, this was half her body weight. Losing 150 lbs is monumental. It is an amazing thing to accomplish, no matter what method you use. She knows it is monumental, and yet, she feels her life is 10 times harder now than it used to be. She gave a lot of reasons, but I think it comes down to a problem that a lot of people have when it comes to the concept of happiness.

Happiness isn't a destination. It's not some place you arrive at whenever you accomplish a certain set of goals. It's not a prize that falls down on you whenever you achieve the stuff you wanted to achieve. Happiness isn't a conclusion that comes to you when you've succeeded. People think happiness is a reward, but it isn't.

Happiness is a mindset. It is a way of viewing the world. It is finding the goodness and the joy in whatever moments offer them.  Happiness isn't something you 'get' when you decide you 'deserve' it. It's not something that comes to you when certain criteria are met. You won't be happy 'when I get out of this town' or 'when I get a girlfriend' or 'when I get married.' Yeah, sure, some of those things may afford you new and different opportunities for happiness,

But if you are used to viewing happiness as a reward, you may not be able to take those opportunities. You may not even see them.

Negative thought patterns become habitual. We get used to our minds focusing in that way and when things aren't as bad as they could be, some people actually start looking for NEW THINGS to be negative about. Our culture encourages this. "Sure you may have everything a person could want, so how about you feel awful about politics?" Suddenly people who have all of their needs met find themselves constantly angry because someone else doesn't share their values.

You have to practice happiness. You have to look for the good in each day. You have to take moments to enjoy what is going on around you. As you work towards your goals, you have to spend time enjoying the process. And you SHOULD enjoy the process, because it's what you are actually living through at the moment.

The truth is, when you reach your goals, a whole other mountain of problems and challenges are going to appear. The goal itself may feel hallow and empty. You may question why you spent all this time working toward it. You may wonder why you bothered. And yes, you may begin to believe that life BEFORE the goal was reached was easier.

If you have Depression, that is another matter. You need some chemicals balanced to let you be happy. If you don't though, start looking at the good around you NOW. Look at the blessings you have NOW. Stop focusing on all the negative things that happen. Stop investing all your faith into a future event that may or may not happen and enjoy what is around you at this moment. You lost weight? Awesome! Celebrate that. Celebrate the hell out of that and don't focus on all the things you thought would come from it that didn't. Look for stuff that will.

And yes, I realize I'm writing this from MASSIVE privilege. I know a lot of people's current situations are horrible and they DO need to leave them. I'm not saying you shouldn't. I'm saying that leaving them won't make you happy. Only you can make you happy.

Safe Mode

A year ago today, I wrote about my fear in losing The Me in the process of menopause, blood loss, and pain.  This was before I knew about the cancer and the prospect of surgeries. It was before I knew I'd have to cope with painkillers twice.  Even this early into the process, I was worried about the idea of being on autopilot. Had I only known how bad it would get!

Last year, I described the low functioning aspect as Default Me, but I think the closer analogy is like putting a computer into Safe Mode. When a computer is in Safe Mode, it can function, but that functionality is severely reduced. The graphics are more simple. You can't access a lot of programs. Things are limited. However, this means you can put all the computer's power and resources into solving whatever is causing the problems.

That's how I was for a lot of last year. Safe Mode. For a while, I had to be in it because I honestly didn't HAVE the resources to be fully operational. When I found out about the cancer and all the surgeries, I had to be there because I needed to allocate all of my resources to just handling those problems. And, honestly, I really couldn't LET myself think about it too much. It was too damned scary.

I've had a lot of people tell me they are amazed at how well I coped with what happened to me. I get told I am brave. Hah! It always reminds me of a GRRM quote. "You can only be brave when you're afraid." And yes, I paraphrased there. Anyway, you get the point. The bravery came from me letting myself be in Safe Mode. It kept me on low function and helped me to handle the dark hours.

When I wrote about this last year, I worried that I would lose myself again. I had reason to worry because I most certainly DID lose myself for a while. Or rather, I had to reboot into Safe Mode. I had to let myself just minimally process because it all I could handle. Even now, I still have a lot of kinks and bad files, but we're working on them.

However, I think when I consider this kind of minimal, default version of me, I no longer feel horrified by it. Safe Mode may be limited, but it's also the mode you work in when you're trying to fix things. The fact that I can do this is pretty damned amazing. I'm glad I have it. It served me well.

Sims 4 and the Hell of Party Animals

Do we detect a smile on the face of Clara Goth? Why yes, we do, and it isn't just because she finds it amusing that I left the walls down in this pic and you can see her toilet. No, it is because she has managed to fall in love. Somewhat by accident. See the blonde man in the picture with her, that is Devante Yoder . . . I did not name him. He is the love of Clara's life.

Devante is one of the sims who happened to be in the household I used to move Clara. Moving just one sim out of a playable house is kind of difficult (at least as far as I have been able to discover) and it involves moving that sim into a new household and then moving it. When I did this, Devante was one of the sims in the moving house. He started playing cards with Clara, next thing I know, they're flirting.

Eventually, she decided she wanted to marry him. Normally when my sims get engaged, I just let them exchange rings without any kind of wedding because I loath Sim parties. HOWEVER, it turns out that Devante's aspiration is Party Animal, which means the little fink wants to have parties all the time. I could change his aspiration, but I'm trying my best to explore all the challenges of the game, so I'm  going to let him keep it.

The problem with this comes from the fact that I suck at Popularity sims. I rarely play them because I find their wants and challenges to be so annoying. This is a mistake though. One of the things I'm trying to do with 4 is to keep pushing myself into the challenges I used to avoid.

It's just that parties in Sims 4 are HARD. You have to do all these different tasks and you have almost no time to accomplish them. You're graded on them as well, and I hate to be graded on things I'm not good at. And while the wedding and one birthday party I managed to have turned out well, the rest of the parties have been pretty crappy. Devante may never reach his life goals because I can't get 3 sims to dance to music at the same time. That's pretty sad.

Anyway, Clara is pregnant now. That means more birthday parties are on the way. At least I can manage to make those work. That'll put a smile on Devante Yoder's face.

Anniversary

So a year ago today, my plight into major 'female trouble' drama began. Major purging from my uterus that would not stop and scared the hell out of me. By the 18th, I was at the ER. A few days after that, I was pretty sure I was gonna die.  I came close. Had my doctor not put me on the Depo, I probably would have died. But I didn't. In fact, the bleeding saved my life.

Let's face it; I fear doctors. I most certainly fear the gynecologist. If I hadn't had the massive bleeding and went to see one in hopes of having vaginal ablation, I would have never found out I had cancer.  The cancer would have grown and done all the awful things that cancer does. By the time they caught it, it may have been to late to do anything about it.

I could choose to make this date with a sense of horror for what I experienced. And believe me, it certainly was horrible. Instead, I'm going to look at it as something that, while pretty much awful and nightmarish, led to me staying alive. It truly was one of those cases where something nasty and kind of PTSD-inducing really did lead to a positive outcome.

In that case, thank you, scary bleeding uterus, for saving my life. I am grateful for what you did. I do not miss you.

Free College

So Obama has stated he wants to make the first two years of college free for people who are willing to try and get themselves some education. Predictably, the country exploded into little puddles of blue and red over the issue."NO NOES! COMMUNISM!" "Yay, free tuition, but the Republicans will never go for it." You know, same song, different verse.

My guess is that there is no way this will actually pass, but it should. And honestly, I think that if the Republicans really thought about it, they would realize it benefits them more than it hurts them. After all, their headcannon 'lazy welfare person' isn't exactly who would be getting this money. After all, it's just for tuition, not for anything else. You really can't trade tuition to someone for drugs. That isn't how it works.

I think the people who will be using this two year college money are people who have just lost their jobs and need to retrain. It will be people who just got out of school and suddenly realize their degrees are useless and they should get something else. It will be kids who can't qualify for grants or scholarships. In short, it will be people who actually WANT to work and contribute to society.

However, I don't even really think PEOPLE are the ones who most benefit from this. I think this decision has more to do with the interests of big business than it does with people. Specifically, this is about feeding the higher ed/student loan monster that has been ruling this country for so long.

Higher education is getting to the point where it's almost out of everyone's reach again. Even two year institutions cost a lot of money these days. It used to be, you could spend the summer working 40 hour shifts and make enough money to cover the cost of college for the year. Now? That wouldn't even cover a class at some places. So as people needed more money to get to school, bigger and bigger student loans have had to be taken out. It's actually a little insane how much money people will borrow, but they would do it, because they knew the return would be worth it. After all, a college education meant a good job.

Except..............it doesn't. One of the harsh realities of our current economic system is that having an advanced degree doesn't mean squat. It doesn't mean you'll get a good job. You may end up working at McDonald's as you try to pay off those huge monthly loan payments. Or worse, you may not get hired anywhere.

This has been sinking in for a while now, and more and more people are starting to realize that college is a gamble that just isn't worth it. They question if college is something they need to do. They question why certain things require degrees (you should not need a degree for writing or coding or photography, dammit!). As they question, they are beginning to seek out other paths, ones that don't require a commitment of at least four years and potentially thousands of dollars in loans.

The problem is, this isn't good news for the big business of colleges or student lending institutions. They need people to buy into the gamble of college and loans and shiny happy jobs on the other side. If people stop believing, the halls will empty out. They could lose their cash cow. This cannot happen.

The solution?  Whhhhhhy, how about a nice little carrot dangling in front of everyone? Why not give them two years of free tuition? Yes, let's give them the two years of general ed classes that are mostly taught by adjuncts who don't receive benefits. And once they do their two first years, why, they'll be fully well believing in the Power of Higher Ed again, which means they'll take out those loans and continue on!

See, this isn't about helping the small folk. This is about feeding the beast.

Four Years

Hey, you know what? I've been blogging for 4 years now.

Actually, I've been blogging for that long since a few days ago, but I forgot to check to see the exact date. I should have, but as you know, I've been busy with Sims and other things.

Anyway, I've stuck with this four years. That's beyond impressive for me. It'a practically unheard of. Aside from nights when I was too sick, too unfocused, or too out of internet to blog, I have blogged.

I'm glad I've stuck with it. I have a document of so much stuff in my life now. I have a written recording of how it felt to deal with cancer and surgery. I have a lot of writing about things I love and things that have made me happy. This is good, especially considering my memory isn't what it used to be. Even beyond that, days can blur together. It's nice to know that on most of those days, I had at least SOMETHING to say . . . even if that something was 'damn it is hot.'

I think the blog has helped to keep me sane. I think it's helped to curb some of the depression I've felt. Everyone wants to reach out somehow, even antisocial people like me. It's good to know I have a way to do that. Here's to four more years and beyond.

Unfocused

My focus was seriously bad today. I've been trying to watch a movie for hours and can't seem to concentrate on it.  I'll watch about five minutes and stop for a while. Even for me, that's bad. Then again, my roommate says he was having trouble focusing as well. The cold is getting to us.

The cold isn't going to get any better either. We're expecting rain mixed with possible frozen stuff over the next few days. So far, the weather reports have somewhat oversold the extent of bad falling from the sky. I'm hoping it will be the case again. Honestly, I'd really love a 'no snow' winter. I like my winters to be mild and noncommittal.

Oh man, it is sad how long I've had this compose window open. I keep starting things and wandering off to look at other stuff. Focus is just shot tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

CC Anonymous

I may not stick to this, but I'm going to try my best not to start downloading custom content (cc) for Sims 4. In reflection over what has made the game unfun for me in the past, I think a lot of it can boil down to getting cc. Custom content is great! It can be really amazing.  There are some wonderfully creative people out there who make things that just blow my mind. However, cc has some pitfalls, and I believe the pitfalls outweigh the benefits.

In reality, most custom content is harmless. Yes, some of it will occasionally have a virus or a weird trippy file. I while back, I had this file in Sims 3 that kept turning everyone in to centaurs (badly) and it took me forever to clean it out. However, that is the exception. If you go to legit sites that people trust, then the content you download is most often going to be safe. That was the past though. Now we live in an age of ransomware and it might be best not to take any chances.

No, the problem with cc isn't the cc itself. It's me and my addictive personality. You know, for a long time, people blamed THINGS for addition. "Alcohol is bad because you can become addicted to it." "Drugs are bad because they make you addicted." I think we're finally starting to realize that when someone has an addictive personality, ANYTHING can become an addiction. It isn't the THING, it's how we react to it, as in, how well we control our impulses.

Believe me; custom content can become an addiction. I'm not joking about this either. I can spend hours combing through websites, looking for stuff I want to add to the game. Hairstyles, building items, clothing, furniture. I'm also really bad about getting scenery items. "Oh look, 400 pieces of steampunk clutter!" I like my games to have a certain feel to them, and I'll talk myself into getting more and more cc.

It got to where I spent more time looking for content than I did playing my game. When I did play, it was only to see how the cc looked in the game. Then I would stop and go look for more. It was less about creating a story, and more about just making a scene look a certain way, which isn't really the point of this.......assuming there is one.

After a while, my game began to lag because of all the added stuff. Gameplay was so slow, it became frustrating to try and do anything. I started crashing after just a few generations, meaning I would have to start all over with nothing. Starting over was even more of a nuisance.

So what custom content really got me was some nice looking areas . . . that I couldn't play because they were so slow, that crashed my game due to content levels, that took me away from the game while I searched for them with feverish addiction. In other words, I let this ruin things for me. I really don't want to do that again.

The problem is, I think I knew this when I was playing Sims 2. I think I told myself this when I started playing Sims 3. We know how that ended.

Kindness is Magic

Everyday, it seems like we hear more and more about people who will kill or harm others in the name of their religions. It's a constant sickness in the world. People feel their god is calling them to do violence to others. As much as people will call out the violence, there are always others who will try and justify it. Often, they use the same logic as abusive spouses . . . I was provoked. The sad thing is, often people who aren't part of that (or any) religion see this violence as the loudest comment made by the religion. I think we can all agree, that isn't going to win people to your side.

These aren't the only voices though. There are plenty of people who find their convictions leading them toward activities that are positive and beautiful. My roommate posted this article about a woman in Arkansas who tended to people dying of AIDS during the 80s and 90s.  Where a lot of religious people lashed out and ostracized people with AIDS (and still do), this woman feels she was lead by her faith to befriend them. She would stay by their sides, help them get meds, talk to them, take them to appointments, and sometimes, if no one else was there to help, she would bury them and give them a funeral.

It's easy to hate people. It's not easy ON us, but it's an easy pattern to fall into. It's easy to lash out, to judge, and to shun those who don't live up to your standards. Loving people is harder. Helping people, especially when it takes you out of your comfort zone and away from what you would rather be doing, is harder. However, love is of immeasurable value. Kindness is the greatest and most potent thing we can do.

I'm in awe of this woman. I don't really follow a religion that has saints, but if I did, I would see her as one. There were people in this world who had no one, and she gave them a friend. She gave them someone who loved them without condition. She reminded them of their own value. Even if she couldn't stop them from dying, she helped to give meaning to their last years of life.

Whenever we are presented with choices of how we can affect the lives of others, I don't believe that most of us act violently. Most of us just really don't have that drive. However, most of us WILL act in indifference. We'll move on, assume that whatever this person is going through isn't our problem. Or, even if it could be our problem, it might inconvenience us in some way, so why bother?

This is really sad, because if we would just take that step forward and actually do something KIND for someone else, who knows what could come from it? If we, as a species, have any kind of magic at all, it is our ability to be kind. Our violence is predictable. Our indifference is predicable. Our kindness, however, could change the world. It could change lives. It could change someone's reality.

More Sims Goodness

It's in the black cabinet. 

I mentioned before that I love the fact that you can stack cabinets in Sims 4. What I didn't know at the time is that you also have an option panel to change the size of them. Cabinets can now be standard, but they can also be very long, half sized, or open with glass doors. This gives your kitchen, bathroom, or other storage areas far more diversity where fake storage is concerned.

In the background of this picture, you'll see a wall hanging with some sweaters and boxes. This is one of several bits of wall clutter the game has given. They also included some shoe storage clutter. I found this interesting, but even more interesting when I was looking through the rooms people have created online and discovered a lot of people have been doing elaborate walk-in closets.

At first, I found it odd that people were creating them. Walk in closets basically serve NO purpose in Sims. Then I realized that I always put a lot of things that serve no purpose in my houses as well, just because I like the look of them. For a lot of people, getting to build houses in Sims is about the fantasy of creating the house of your dreams. For many people, having a giant, well organized closet is part of that dream. I don't blame them either.

There is a lot of peace and calm that comes from construction of this nature. I think it's helping a lot of people stay sane.

More Thoughts on the Small Victories

I redid my bedding today. I had planned to put it off until tomorrow, but it's supposed to be very cold. When I considered what that would be like for me, I opted to just do it today. I'm writing about that because for me, this totally ambitious and practical, like way more so than I usually am. Ever. I'm kind of not sure I put the right sheet on there. This one tends to slip around a lot. It's really warm though, so maybe it will be worth it. If not, I'll just put another one on.

I'm going to give some advice here and fully well realize that as I give it, it's certainly something I don't always follow myself.  I should though, because I think it's really vital in terms of the long term weight loss process. Anyway, the advice......as you lose weight and gain strength, be brave sometimes and try to do stuff that used to be hard/basically impossible for you.

Now, it is possible that you may still not be able to do it or that it may still be really rough on you physically, however, there is also the chance that it won't be as bad as it used to be. It may not be EASY, but 30% difficult is still better than 70% difficult. Hell, 69% is better. Even a small little bit of improvement is worth it.

Why is it good to know this? Because losing a lot of weight is HARD. It takes years of your life and tons of choices and lots of doubt and millions of moments when you may just think the whole thing is impossible. Discouragement is with you a lot.

However, it is a very amazing feeling when you attempt to do one of those things that was basically impossible for you before and you find that you have an easier time with it. It is a moment of power. And let's face it, a lot of people who have been heavy for years don't really have a lot of moments of power. I think seeing these improvement is vital to the long term weight loss process.

I felt this today when I worked on my bed. Changing my sheets has always been a monumental task of agita for me. It was awkward and rough. It always left me breathless and tired for hours. Today though, I did it and, yeah, I was a little out of breath, but it didn't destroy me for the rest of the day. The DREAD that I feel at the prospect of handling my bed is gone. And that is damned nice.

Losing weight is like being happy. If you focus on only finding enjoyment and benefit from it when you reach a certain goal, it's always going to feel like a mountain you have to climb. Enjoy the small victories. Celebrate the little changes. No, you may not be a size 2 yet, but you're closer than you were.....and you are having an easier time living in your body. That is a beautiful thing to experience. Let yourself experience it.

Building in Sims 4: Completing the Exterior and some Interior Improvements

 This is my completed modern home. It was build with the highest ceilings and has a flat roof like the other desert homes. Oh, notice the landscape in the background? I would like to say that I find the landscaping in 4 to be very beautiful. I think the use of colors and shaping is quite nice. Anyway, while I didn't put a roof on the house, I did add a flat 'room' so I could include trim. Trim is a new feature of 4, one that I enjoy quite a lot. Now, as I mentioned before, doors and windows are a bit lacking right now. This should improve with later additions though.

Moving on to the interior, things function basically as they did in the earlier versions, with some exceptions. The most improved item has to be the fireplace. Instead of taking up tons of room and causing a nightmare about location, these just hang out and do their jobs. This is so nice. Like with 3, you can move paintings up and down on walls, adjusting them to where multiple paintings can cover one area. In 4, you can also do this with sconces. I like that, because it means you don't have to make the Sophie's Choice of either sconce or painting on the wall.

And AND AND!!!! You can now make several layers of cabinets! When I first noticed this, I squeed in happiness for like five minutes. My roommate is still mocking me about it. I make no apologies. This is just so awesome. Okay, truthfully, it doesn't really ADD anything to the gameplay. It isn't like you get more storage from it (even though you should), but it looks really great. It does grand things to those high ceilings. They don't have dishwashers or garbage disposals yet. I miss those because they add to the Handiness upgrade possibilities. Again though, they may show up later.

I think that somehow Sims 4 did itself a bad disservice in how it was promoting the game. A lot of the things they were showing about Build Mode were making me pretty unhappy about it. And even when I got the game, you'll notice it took me quite a while to even explore Build, because I was so certain I would hate it. And yet, I have found myself really enjoying Build. I know I will do a lot more projects with it. Build is one area where I am really happy with Sims 4,

Quick Post

The internet is being quite difficult. I am going to just write a quite post and get back to my Sims tomorrow night. I have pics ready for it, but I just don't think that I can trust this working well enough to upload them. In a way, maybe this is good. It will give me more time to organize my thoughts on  the matter.

Until then, I hope everyone is well.

Building in Sims 4, Foundations and Up

As much as people have derided Sims 4 about a lot of its various options, I am starting to see a lot of real improvements in this new addition. Many of those seemed to have been overlooked in the anger over toddlers and cars. And while some of the Build features are a little confusing at first, once you understand them, they honestly make the whole house creation process a lot less annoying. And I say 'annoying' as someone who could spend hours happily working on houses. Now I may do that even more. I talked about basic room construction last night. Tonight, I'm going to discuss some of the things that come after the room.

In Sims 4, the room DOES come first. You have to build a room, a flat surface, or a deck before you can really do anything else. In 2 and 3, you could start with foundations, and I thought this was what you would do here as well. But you don't. And while that seemed a little strange at first, once I understood the logic of it, it was awesome.

 Now, you will notice in my picture, I have a porch that has rounded sides. ROUND! We've never had round before! I love this so much! Now, like I said, before this, the closes you could get to round would be hexagons. But now, you can do real circles. It really opens up the possibilities.

In the previous versions of the games, foundations could be tricky. They came in one standard size, unless your lot was crooked. They could only be made in straight lines or diagonals. The diagonals were always tricky. Half the time, they refused to even work. In 4, foundations are very simple. You click on the button for them. There is a slide that allows you to choose the height of foundation you want. When you push the slide, EVERYTHING you have already done goes to that level. All at once. That is so much easier.

At this point, you can select the style of foundation you want. The styles are fairly limited, but I'm sure that will change in time. In a way, it was great to have unlimited choices about what to do with your foundation, but on the other hand, I usually just selected 4 or 5 different styles anyway. For everything.

The other thing you see in the picture are windows and doors. Both of these are pretty limited right now as well, but again, I believe that will change in time. One interesting thing about windows and doors is that you can get some of them to come in three sizes, which helps if you have the level 3 size walls and want a door that matches.

As you can tell, I'm really enjoying the house creation of this game. It was one of the things I was really worried about, and it's turning into one of my favorite parts. Thank you, Sims, for getting this right.

Building in 4, the Basic Room

I've been sticking to gameplay with Sims 4 and not letting myself get caught up in the addiction of building new houses. I've done minor remodeling on the Goth house,but not enough to really dip into the features of Build Mode. I think I've mostly been waiting because I wanted to understand other facets of the game before I lost myself in the building process for a while. Believe me, I can totally do that.

Anyway, Sims 4 has made a lot of changes to Build Mode. I didn't have Sims 1, but I know that the changes between 1 and 2 were significant. The changes between 2 and 3 were fairly minor, really. I have been used to that system. Sims 4, however, introduces a lot of new features. At first, I was pretty resistant to the changes, but some of them are becoming my favorite things.

To begin with, creating rooms is very simple now. Honestly, if you really don't even WANT to bother with building a room, you can just purchase one of the 'ready made' ones and slam it down into your lot. I get that some people probably enjoy this because it saves time and the effort of decorating. I really don't though. Mind you, the rooms can be altered as you see fit, but to me, it's still taking a lot of the joy of the Sims experience out of it.

If you want to build traditionally, you can. In fact, you can even do walls the old way, by 'drawing' them where you want them and letting them snap into place. You can also select shapes for your rooms, which, honestly, does make things easier. It's not that doing octagonal rooms was hard, but it would get fussy sometimes because you have to keep moving the camera.

The best feature about room construction is that Sims 4 includes options once the room is made. A box appears, letting you turn the room or alter its location. You can also choose ceiling height, meaning you can have houses will high ceilings without having to sacrifice two floors to do so. There are also options that appear around the room itself, allowing you to alter its size. You can see these on the picture I posted.

I think of all the changes in the game, this one is the most helpful. I can't tell you how many times I have tried to make a room where I could put a door evenly in  the middle and found that I was one grid row too short. In previous games, this meant I would have to erase one side, add the extra grid panel, and then rebuild the side. Now? I just push the arrow one space and I have my desired size. YAY!!!!!!

So this is the room building. Tomorrow, I'll talk some about other changes. Some I have liked, others.....not so much.

Freaky Discovery

Just for fun, I went back to my post for Jan. 1, 2014 to see what I'd written. As you know, at that point, I had no idea what my year would bring. I wanted to see if I left any indications without realizing it.

HOH BOY DID I!!!

Look at this. "I love the idea of spending the year in actions that result in me removing things I don't need. Purging is a beautiful thing."

.................................

..................................!!!!!!

Yes! I actually wrote that! I actually, ignorantly, wrote that! I wrote that I LOVED THE IDEA of spending my year removing things I don't need and that purging is a beautiful thing.

Okay, so, Ignorant Me from this time Last Year, purging is NOT a beautiful thing when what you are purging is huge clumps of blood clots from your vagina! That is not beautiful. That is scary, horrible, and dangerous.  And while it was nice to get rid of things I don't need (like cancer and probably my reproductive organs because I don't use them), it is also terrifying, expensive, and painful.

With this in mind, I hope that 2015 is boring and free of conflict and that I spend my time wondering why I'm so content.

I'm pretty sure the irony of the universe will fuck that one up too.