A year ago today, I was doing research about hysterectomies. This was really the first time I did serious research about it and it scared me so much. The idea of being unable to drive or really heal for six weeks seemed so daunting. I remembered hoping there was a way around it. I remember thinking I absolutely could not handle it, or even live through it. Yet somehow, I did.
I guess the lesson I learned was that sometimes the things you think you can't handle are within your capacity to handle. They're not easy. In fact, sometimes they're even more horrible and complicated than you may think. You can handle them though. I can handle them.
As I have said before, last year was full of more dread, pain, violation, and despair than any year I have ever faced. I shut down and pushed through. Did it make me stronger? Maybe. Maybe not. I did, however, make me more confident about things. Well, somewhat. I still clearly have panic attacks when I go to the doctor, but even then, I know I can survive them.
I will survive.
Well, I'll survive until I die, but then I won't know the difference.
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