Safe Mode

A year ago today, I wrote about my fear in losing The Me in the process of menopause, blood loss, and pain.  This was before I knew about the cancer and the prospect of surgeries. It was before I knew I'd have to cope with painkillers twice.  Even this early into the process, I was worried about the idea of being on autopilot. Had I only known how bad it would get!

Last year, I described the low functioning aspect as Default Me, but I think the closer analogy is like putting a computer into Safe Mode. When a computer is in Safe Mode, it can function, but that functionality is severely reduced. The graphics are more simple. You can't access a lot of programs. Things are limited. However, this means you can put all the computer's power and resources into solving whatever is causing the problems.

That's how I was for a lot of last year. Safe Mode. For a while, I had to be in it because I honestly didn't HAVE the resources to be fully operational. When I found out about the cancer and all the surgeries, I had to be there because I needed to allocate all of my resources to just handling those problems. And, honestly, I really couldn't LET myself think about it too much. It was too damned scary.

I've had a lot of people tell me they are amazed at how well I coped with what happened to me. I get told I am brave. Hah! It always reminds me of a GRRM quote. "You can only be brave when you're afraid." And yes, I paraphrased there. Anyway, you get the point. The bravery came from me letting myself be in Safe Mode. It kept me on low function and helped me to handle the dark hours.

When I wrote about this last year, I worried that I would lose myself again. I had reason to worry because I most certainly DID lose myself for a while. Or rather, I had to reboot into Safe Mode. I had to let myself just minimally process because it all I could handle. Even now, I still have a lot of kinks and bad files, but we're working on them.

However, I think when I consider this kind of minimal, default version of me, I no longer feel horrified by it. Safe Mode may be limited, but it's also the mode you work in when you're trying to fix things. The fact that I can do this is pretty damned amazing. I'm glad I have it. It served me well.