The Album: Purple Rain Prince and the Revolution
The Story: "Lilly," my mother called quietly from the living room. "Come in here. You need to watch this." Purple Rain was on one of the movie stations. I was grounded from watching them, but by her husband, not by her. She'd yielded authority to him but thought she could keep the peace by trying to be on my side when he wasn't around. She was wrong, but at the moment, I didn't care. I wanted to see this.
Is Purple Rain a good movie? Probably not. I have no idea. I know the soundtrack is amazing and very significant to my life. I got the album first, then the purple single of Purple Rain. Then during Christmas of my fifth-grade year, I was given a cassette tape of it, which was kind of out of order....they gave me the tape before I was given my big gift, my first boom box.
Prince was DIIIIRRRRTY and sang about dirty things and I loved him for that. He also sang about pain and the frustration of not being able to fix his situations. I loved the complexity of someone who could talk about aching and being unable to control anything but also convincing you the truth about him being a star.
Prince was tiny and had hair like an old lady. Most of his clothes were taken from the same section of the store AS the old lady clothes, and yet he was masculine and sexy all the same. I loved listening to how the music would fade as the tape ended, it was a great way to fall asleep.
Not that I got to do that for very long. Back when I was in 4th grade, I'd informed the mother's husband that he would NOT be hitting me anymore. He didn't, but this meant I was subject to other punishments. Chief among them was removing anything I valued from my possession at the smallest of infractions. Soon after that Christmas, my boombox was taken from me. I couldn't watch tv. I couldn't even just hang out in my room, which complicated things because you could basically see the tv from every public space. Abusive asshats rarely make any sense.
By the time I was in 6th grade, I'd learned to roll with the narcissism. It helped that he'd recently failed utterly out of college and now did not one thing at all of use.
One day while I was in the living room trying to avoid the tv with my eyes while I read, evil mother's husband started in on how all the musicians I liked were gay.
"They're not," I told him. Then told his ugly, pasty, fatass that those men would always have more women than he ever would.
He got up and tried to hit me. I caught his arm and dug in my nails. He was an adult, I was 12, but I would not be harmed by this creature. I kept sinking my nails in, my eyes locked with his, showing him no fear and no respect because those were two of the things he craved.
He pulled his arm away, blood was on my fingers. I thought he was going to the bathroom to deal with his wounds, but instead, he went into my room. He came out with my Rio album and broke it.
Time stopped. I got very calm, like some new level of power was settling in me. I could feel my mouth twisting into a smile, a bigger smile than I ever smiled. It wasn't pleasant kind of smile. He asked me what I thought of what he just did, with that smug 'yeah, I'm still in charge' tone that I would hate from people for the rest of my life.
"Right now, nothing." My eyes moved to the ladder used to access the attic where he and my mother slept. "But you have to go to sleep eventually and the tools are down here."
Okay, admittedly, I probably had no idea how to use tools on a ladder in a way that would either rig it for him to fall or trap him up there forever, but my tone must have convinced him I did. I have no idea if he told my mom or what he may have done to her. For all I know, she could have been watching the whole thing and just cowering in a corner. One of them must have had a moment of clarity though because she soon took my brother and me away from him and ended the marriage.
No one has ever hit me again.
Thank you to: Prince for being Prince
The Lesson Learned: Fortune favors the bold, even the TOO bold.
I'll never presume to know everyone's situation and so I won't say that what works for me would work in every case. However, I know that in my life, when I have told people what I would and would not tolerate, things have been better for me. I will always be the one to grab the arm that is trying to hit me and dig my nails in as deep as I can, to the bone if needed. While I do this, I will look the monster in the eye and show them my immortal, indomitable soul so they understand how impossible this is for them. In the situations where this has been required, the monsters were soon gone.
Also, my mom never forgave me for ruining her marriage and tried to guilt me about this when she felt I was ruining her next horrible marriage.
I am never going to feel guilty about destroying awful things. People think destruction is always bad, but it isn't. Destruction, like creation, is a tool open to all people, one we use to survive. It's powerful and you have to be careful with it, but it is necessary.
Thursday, May 31, 2018
Wednesday, May 30, 2018
Project of Influence Album 9
The Album: She's So Unusual Cyndi Lauper
The Story: Honestly, I bet this is a story told by a lot of weird kids from the '80s. I saw the video to "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" and it altered my personal zeitgeist. There were a lot of videos out at this time, but this one was the first (to me) that really showed a woman as the subject of the video in terms of just being a person. It wasn't a love song, it wasn't a 'lost a love' song, it wasn't a 'I'm trying to be tough and sexy' song. It was a song about wanting to just be yourself and, as the children say these days, be living your whole life.
Of course, there were love songs on the album. "Time After Time" is classic and beautiful. It's also one of those songs that can be applied to all love, not just romantic situations. "He's So Unusual" and the way she covers Prince's "When U Were Mine" both suggest the frustrating pain of being deeply in love with boys who like boys and given my future love life that was probably a good lesson to digest at an early age.
Cyndi has a stunning voice and energy for days. She also had a very exciting style, one that was shocking and unconventional and beautiful all at once. It intrigued me and I knew I was right about this after my mother's husband commented that Cyndi 'could be pretty' if she would 'take care of herself' and 'look like a normal woman.' Yes, bastard, so long as she looks like the thing that doesn't make you uncomfortable, you're good. He truly was the perfect example of everything to avoid in life.
Thank you to: My dad, for loving Cyndi as much as I did and singing the songs with me.
The Lesson Learned: I knew this one anyway, but sometimes it helps to be reminded. Your life is about YOU. Your story is about YOU. Other people may play significant roles in it, but your experiences are the ones that you should emphasize. That doesn't mean be a total self-centered sociopath, but at the same time, live in your moments.
The Story: Honestly, I bet this is a story told by a lot of weird kids from the '80s. I saw the video to "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" and it altered my personal zeitgeist. There were a lot of videos out at this time, but this one was the first (to me) that really showed a woman as the subject of the video in terms of just being a person. It wasn't a love song, it wasn't a 'lost a love' song, it wasn't a 'I'm trying to be tough and sexy' song. It was a song about wanting to just be yourself and, as the children say these days, be living your whole life.
Of course, there were love songs on the album. "Time After Time" is classic and beautiful. It's also one of those songs that can be applied to all love, not just romantic situations. "He's So Unusual" and the way she covers Prince's "When U Were Mine" both suggest the frustrating pain of being deeply in love with boys who like boys and given my future love life that was probably a good lesson to digest at an early age.
Cyndi has a stunning voice and energy for days. She also had a very exciting style, one that was shocking and unconventional and beautiful all at once. It intrigued me and I knew I was right about this after my mother's husband commented that Cyndi 'could be pretty' if she would 'take care of herself' and 'look like a normal woman.' Yes, bastard, so long as she looks like the thing that doesn't make you uncomfortable, you're good. He truly was the perfect example of everything to avoid in life.
Thank you to: My dad, for loving Cyndi as much as I did and singing the songs with me.
The Lesson Learned: I knew this one anyway, but sometimes it helps to be reminded. Your life is about YOU. Your story is about YOU. Other people may play significant roles in it, but your experiences are the ones that you should emphasize. That doesn't mean be a total self-centered sociopath, but at the same time, live in your moments.
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
Project of Influence Album 8
The Album: Rio Duran Duran
The Story: During the summer between my 4th and 5th year of school, we moved to Durant so my mother's bastard husband could fail at going to college. Going to a college town had a lot of advantages for me. First of all, there was a college radio station playing good music. Second, and more importantly to our story, Durant had cable and I got MTV.
The first time I saw Simon LeBon (singing "The Reflex" and looking like a god), I fell in love in that hardcore way you can only fall in love with the projected image of someone instead of that person themselves. I didn't know that at the time, of course.
People knock being a devoted fan of something, but it has its advantages, especially when the situation you're in is pretty horrible. While my mother and her husband fought, mismanaged everything, and he tried his best to destroy us, I could ignore all of it and just be utterly delighted by Duran Duran. I mean, even to this day, if I'm sad, I can summon the memory if the day I found holographic Duran Duran stickers in a gumball machine and be just as thrilled as I was in that moment.
This was my second time to start a new school. I was determined to be more than the 'smart weird poor fat girl' and deal with all the hell that could bring. I acquired the tools I needed (a backpack, makeup, hairspray, boots) and began a quest to reinvention. There were six blocks between my house and the elementary school. I would leave looking one way, by the time I got there, I would be the invention.
Miniskirt, oversized shirts, purple earrings shaped like boomerangs with pink swishes on them, eyeliner, purple eyeshadow, too much foundation, cherry red lipstick, sprayed out hair......this is what would usually arrive at school. And from day one, I'd told them to call me Rio.
We can all pause to laugh here, because yeah, I was a 5th grader doing this. I was probably one hot mess, strutting around like that. Fortunately, everyone else was a kid too, so it somehow worked. Outside of my house, my life was great that year. Friends, invitations, slumber parties, boys (never as good as Simon, but eh), and even a level of social power.
I also had an amazing teacher that year, Ms. Julian. She was that encouraging and outstanding teacher that kids really do need to thrive.
Example: I'd had this one friend I would talk with Duran Duran about but then one weekend she found Jesus and showed up to school on Monday to tell on me for being 'dirty-minded.' When Ms. Julian and I were talking to the principal about it, Ms. Julian's first comment was 'Well, Lilly is very creative' and while she may have been just trying to ease into something else, the fact that she started with a positive was enough for me to be happy about the experience.
Thank you to: every poor adult who had to listen to endless hours of me quoting things from Tiger Beat at them. I promise I will honor your sacrifice and listen to other exited kid talk about the stuff they like.
The Lesson Learned: BOOOOYYYYYZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Also, we ALL invent ourselves. And no, not everyone buys into what we present, but those people are clearly lacking in vision. No one will a lack of vision needed to be part of the RIO SHOW.
The Story: During the summer between my 4th and 5th year of school, we moved to Durant so my mother's bastard husband could fail at going to college. Going to a college town had a lot of advantages for me. First of all, there was a college radio station playing good music. Second, and more importantly to our story, Durant had cable and I got MTV.
The first time I saw Simon LeBon (singing "The Reflex" and looking like a god), I fell in love in that hardcore way you can only fall in love with the projected image of someone instead of that person themselves. I didn't know that at the time, of course.
People knock being a devoted fan of something, but it has its advantages, especially when the situation you're in is pretty horrible. While my mother and her husband fought, mismanaged everything, and he tried his best to destroy us, I could ignore all of it and just be utterly delighted by Duran Duran. I mean, even to this day, if I'm sad, I can summon the memory if the day I found holographic Duran Duran stickers in a gumball machine and be just as thrilled as I was in that moment.
This was my second time to start a new school. I was determined to be more than the 'smart weird poor fat girl' and deal with all the hell that could bring. I acquired the tools I needed (a backpack, makeup, hairspray, boots) and began a quest to reinvention. There were six blocks between my house and the elementary school. I would leave looking one way, by the time I got there, I would be the invention.
Miniskirt, oversized shirts, purple earrings shaped like boomerangs with pink swishes on them, eyeliner, purple eyeshadow, too much foundation, cherry red lipstick, sprayed out hair......this is what would usually arrive at school. And from day one, I'd told them to call me Rio.
We can all pause to laugh here, because yeah, I was a 5th grader doing this. I was probably one hot mess, strutting around like that. Fortunately, everyone else was a kid too, so it somehow worked. Outside of my house, my life was great that year. Friends, invitations, slumber parties, boys (never as good as Simon, but eh), and even a level of social power.
I also had an amazing teacher that year, Ms. Julian. She was that encouraging and outstanding teacher that kids really do need to thrive.
Example: I'd had this one friend I would talk with Duran Duran about but then one weekend she found Jesus and showed up to school on Monday to tell on me for being 'dirty-minded.' When Ms. Julian and I were talking to the principal about it, Ms. Julian's first comment was 'Well, Lilly is very creative' and while she may have been just trying to ease into something else, the fact that she started with a positive was enough for me to be happy about the experience.
Thank you to: every poor adult who had to listen to endless hours of me quoting things from Tiger Beat at them. I promise I will honor your sacrifice and listen to other exited kid talk about the stuff they like.
The Lesson Learned: BOOOOYYYYYZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Also, we ALL invent ourselves. And no, not everyone buys into what we present, but those people are clearly lacking in vision. No one will a lack of vision needed to be part of the RIO SHOW.
Monday, May 28, 2018
Project of Influence Album 7
The Album: Van Halen 1984
The Story: When I was in 4th grade, we lived in a small town called Marietta. My mom worked long hours a few towns over and her useless husband was abusive and evil. I spent most of my time avoiding the house and just wandering the town. I'd visit friends, eat at convenient stores, and only come home when I knew Mom was there. This was, honestly, about as free-range as one could get.
Anyway, one of my friends had this cousin living with them. She was 12 or 13 (so, to my mind, a Sophisticated Older Adult) and had a room that smelled like makeup and cigarettes. She also had posters of this guy with smoky eyes, tight clothes, and a slinky body. This was my first introduction to David Lee Roth, a front man with glam rock tendencies. Not that VH was a glam band, but I do believe the appeal Roth had would be my first spark of what would lead me to glam later on.
What I got from this experience, with this album, was safety. This girl would let us sit in her room and she'd talk to us about boys and teach us how to put on mascara, all the while singing to the album. I wasn't a teenager yet, but it taught me the communal security that music could offer.
Thank you to: I really wish I remember this girl's name. I don't. It's been over 30 years. Anyway, where ever you are, thank you.
The Lesson Learned: Music can create a haven for safety when safety is what you most need. To quote another slinky front man, if I don't get some shelter, oh I'm gonna fade away.
The Story: When I was in 4th grade, we lived in a small town called Marietta. My mom worked long hours a few towns over and her useless husband was abusive and evil. I spent most of my time avoiding the house and just wandering the town. I'd visit friends, eat at convenient stores, and only come home when I knew Mom was there. This was, honestly, about as free-range as one could get.
Anyway, one of my friends had this cousin living with them. She was 12 or 13 (so, to my mind, a Sophisticated Older Adult) and had a room that smelled like makeup and cigarettes. She also had posters of this guy with smoky eyes, tight clothes, and a slinky body. This was my first introduction to David Lee Roth, a front man with glam rock tendencies. Not that VH was a glam band, but I do believe the appeal Roth had would be my first spark of what would lead me to glam later on.
What I got from this experience, with this album, was safety. This girl would let us sit in her room and she'd talk to us about boys and teach us how to put on mascara, all the while singing to the album. I wasn't a teenager yet, but it taught me the communal security that music could offer.
Thank you to: I really wish I remember this girl's name. I don't. It's been over 30 years. Anyway, where ever you are, thank you.
The Lesson Learned: Music can create a haven for safety when safety is what you most need. To quote another slinky front man, if I don't get some shelter, oh I'm gonna fade away.
Sunday, May 27, 2018
Project of Influence Album 6
The Album: Dreamboat Annie by Heart
The Story: In my little kid mind, the dream guy I was planning was someone like the guy in 'Magic Man'. Seductively casual, welcoming, someone you could really sink your fangs into. Of course, I knew I would be just as amazing (in my little kid mind), so it seemed like a great match. The Wilson sisters could create rough rock songs and then turn around and make something ethereal and sweet. They were complex and majestic and I adored this album.
Thank you to: The Wilson sisters.
The Lesson Learned: Speak up about the things you want. Talk about your dreams and wishes and desires. Be forward and direct. A lot of people use the word 'forward' in a negative way when it comes to women but who cares what those people think.
I read an article about Ann Wilson recently where she talked about all the compromises she made so Heart could be more pleasing to people. This wasn't an image change SHE wanted. It was one suggested by her record label/people who do that kind of thing. Heart's music went softer, her sister was featured more, she was pushed to the background so people wouldn't notice she was fat now. It ruined them.
I've noticed in my life that any time I ceded control of my image, I've suffered for it. My guess is that is true for everyone.
The Story: In my little kid mind, the dream guy I was planning was someone like the guy in 'Magic Man'. Seductively casual, welcoming, someone you could really sink your fangs into. Of course, I knew I would be just as amazing (in my little kid mind), so it seemed like a great match. The Wilson sisters could create rough rock songs and then turn around and make something ethereal and sweet. They were complex and majestic and I adored this album.
Thank you to: The Wilson sisters.
The Lesson Learned: Speak up about the things you want. Talk about your dreams and wishes and desires. Be forward and direct. A lot of people use the word 'forward' in a negative way when it comes to women but who cares what those people think.
I read an article about Ann Wilson recently where she talked about all the compromises she made so Heart could be more pleasing to people. This wasn't an image change SHE wanted. It was one suggested by her record label/people who do that kind of thing. Heart's music went softer, her sister was featured more, she was pushed to the background so people wouldn't notice she was fat now. It ruined them.
I've noticed in my life that any time I ceded control of my image, I've suffered for it. My guess is that is true for everyone.
Saturday, May 26, 2018
Project of Influence Album 5
The Album: Annie, the soundtrack
The Story: My cousin Amber (of the Colorado Murphies) was really into Annie when we went to stay with them for the summer. I was soon onboard and it was total immersion. My Aunt Val (this woman is super talented) took us to see the musical, made us the red dresses (complete with white tights and black Maryjanes), made us Annie dolls, and at some point, everyone got the album.
We would sit in the backyard or climb on the swing set and sing the songs. We favored the songs the orphans would sing, like 'Hardknock Life' and 'You're Never Truly Dressed without a Smile.' I learned the beautiful sisterhood of co-fandom and the glory of being able to obsess with someone else for hours on end. It's honestly how I've picked my friends ever since.
As I can remember, this is my first exposure to Tim Curry. It won't be my last.
On some level, Ms. Hannigan is one of my role models. Stumbling, indulgent, lazily terrifying, and sarcastic to children.
Thank you to: Amber for introduction and Val for making it happen. Seriously, getting that red Annie dress was one of the highlights of my young life.
The Lesson Learned: People who love what you love are the BEST people. As an adult, the most important thing you can do for a child is to validate and cultivate their interests in things. Also maybe something about finding a sugar-daddy?
The Story: My cousin Amber (of the Colorado Murphies) was really into Annie when we went to stay with them for the summer. I was soon onboard and it was total immersion. My Aunt Val (this woman is super talented) took us to see the musical, made us the red dresses (complete with white tights and black Maryjanes), made us Annie dolls, and at some point, everyone got the album.
We would sit in the backyard or climb on the swing set and sing the songs. We favored the songs the orphans would sing, like 'Hardknock Life' and 'You're Never Truly Dressed without a Smile.' I learned the beautiful sisterhood of co-fandom and the glory of being able to obsess with someone else for hours on end. It's honestly how I've picked my friends ever since.
As I can remember, this is my first exposure to Tim Curry. It won't be my last.
On some level, Ms. Hannigan is one of my role models. Stumbling, indulgent, lazily terrifying, and sarcastic to children.
Thank you to: Amber for introduction and Val for making it happen. Seriously, getting that red Annie dress was one of the highlights of my young life.
The Lesson Learned: People who love what you love are the BEST people. As an adult, the most important thing you can do for a child is to validate and cultivate their interests in things. Also maybe something about finding a sugar-daddy?
Friday, May 25, 2018
Project of Influence Album 4
The Album: Rickie Lee Jones, self-titled
The Story: I'm pretty sure that as a 5-yr-old, I believed the woman I wanted to be when I grew up resided somewhere in the midst of Rickie Lee Jones' voice. To me, she was everything cool. I saw her songs as this journey to great night spots and wonderful adventures. People loved her and she was part of a group she called Coolsville. What could be better? Of course, as an adult, I realized there were darker aspects to all the things she sang, but when I was little, it didn't matter. This album reinforced my love for people with smoky voices, good bass lines, and lyrics that ambled where they needed to go.
Thank you to: Mom, for tolerating a 5 yr old trying to sing "Danny's All-Star Joint" In retrospect, this probably consisted of a lot of mumbles/keening noises until 'shoop coupe'.
The Lesson Learned: From this day forward, I was drawn to (what I saw as) the coolest of women in music. I loved their swagger and when in doubt, would emulate it to get through social situations. Also: If he tells you he's in love, he means he's in love with you.
The Story: I'm pretty sure that as a 5-yr-old, I believed the woman I wanted to be when I grew up resided somewhere in the midst of Rickie Lee Jones' voice. To me, she was everything cool. I saw her songs as this journey to great night spots and wonderful adventures. People loved her and she was part of a group she called Coolsville. What could be better? Of course, as an adult, I realized there were darker aspects to all the things she sang, but when I was little, it didn't matter. This album reinforced my love for people with smoky voices, good bass lines, and lyrics that ambled where they needed to go.
Thank you to: Mom, for tolerating a 5 yr old trying to sing "Danny's All-Star Joint" In retrospect, this probably consisted of a lot of mumbles/keening noises until 'shoop coupe'.
The Lesson Learned: From this day forward, I was drawn to (what I saw as) the coolest of women in music. I loved their swagger and when in doubt, would emulate it to get through social situations. Also: If he tells you he's in love, he means he's in love with you.
Thursday, May 24, 2018
Project of Influence: Album 3
The Album: Fleetwood Mac Rumors
The Story: My mom was one of those people who loved to drive around and play music. Some nights we'd do this for hours. She would drink and smoke and sing. Yes, I know that's not the most responsible setup for parenting in the world, but it was the '70s.
Anyway, Rumors was one of those albums played quite often. I still remember the thrill of the sound of kaTHUNK of the cassette tape being pushed into the player (jimmied into the car because it didn't come with one) and the sound of white noise before this album would begin. Songs about breaking up, hurting, anger, and other aspects of relationships followed. Stevie's songs were (and still are) my favorite because they talked about dreams and kingdoms and seemed to be telling some deep truth I needed (as a future grownup woman) to understand.
Side note: As a small child, I thought when they sang "Chains keep us together" they were singing "Heeey here comes the devil" and I would hide my face because it scared me.
Thank you to: Mom
The Lesson Learned: Pain, like every other part of life, is a gift. It can be used for creation and even though that pain is felt in a personal way, it can be understood universally.
The Story: My mom was one of those people who loved to drive around and play music. Some nights we'd do this for hours. She would drink and smoke and sing. Yes, I know that's not the most responsible setup for parenting in the world, but it was the '70s.
Anyway, Rumors was one of those albums played quite often. I still remember the thrill of the sound of kaTHUNK of the cassette tape being pushed into the player (jimmied into the car because it didn't come with one) and the sound of white noise before this album would begin. Songs about breaking up, hurting, anger, and other aspects of relationships followed. Stevie's songs were (and still are) my favorite because they talked about dreams and kingdoms and seemed to be telling some deep truth I needed (as a future grownup woman) to understand.
Side note: As a small child, I thought when they sang "Chains keep us together" they were singing "Heeey here comes the devil" and I would hide my face because it scared me.
Thank you to: Mom
The Lesson Learned: Pain, like every other part of life, is a gift. It can be used for creation and even though that pain is felt in a personal way, it can be understood universally.
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
Project of Influence: Album 2
The Album: The Jungle Book Soundtrack
The Story: I had this little portable record player and a collection of albums of various Disney things. I have no idea who got them for me. I loved the Alice in Wonderland one a lot, but The Jungle Book was my favorite. I guess in both cases, you have a little kid going on an adventure where they encounter various people who try to influence them, but Jungle Book always seemed like more of a metaphor for the types of adults you meet. Some raise you, some try to guide you, some try to destroy you, some would like to pick over your bones. Others might have lazy intentions, but good hearts. To this day, I can (and sometimes do) sing these songs.
Thank you to: Thanks to whatever person bought those for me and my grandparents for listening to them on repeat.
The Lesson Learned: Life should be a balance between being Baloo and Bagheera. I'm far more a Baloo.
The Story: I had this little portable record player and a collection of albums of various Disney things. I have no idea who got them for me. I loved the Alice in Wonderland one a lot, but The Jungle Book was my favorite. I guess in both cases, you have a little kid going on an adventure where they encounter various people who try to influence them, but Jungle Book always seemed like more of a metaphor for the types of adults you meet. Some raise you, some try to guide you, some try to destroy you, some would like to pick over your bones. Others might have lazy intentions, but good hearts. To this day, I can (and sometimes do) sing these songs.
Thank you to: Thanks to whatever person bought those for me and my grandparents for listening to them on repeat.
The Lesson Learned: Life should be a balance between being Baloo and Bagheera. I'm far more a Baloo.
Tuesday, May 22, 2018
Project of Influence:Album One
So there is this FB thing going around where you list ten albums that influence you and don't say anything about them. That didn't really work for me so I'm doing my own version where I DO say things. Influence should be discussed.
Oh and I would like to note that memory is a strange thing and if you're involved in this memory and don't remember it the way I remember it, that's fine. Details of such things are often different.
The Album: Steely Dan Can't Buy a Thrill
The Story: My dad is a musician. When I was little, he would sing to me all the time. One of the first bands I really connected to the songs he was singing was Steely Dan. "Do It Again" fascinated me as a 3 yr old and I would beg to hear it over and over. It was my first connection with tricksters and the concept of tricking one's self. For the rest of my life, I would always love songs about luck and self-destruction.
Thank you to: Mike Dunn, my father
The Lesson Learned: Adults were flawed but that is what made the best stories. Also, singing to your kids (exposing them to music) is just as important as reading to them.
Oh and I would like to note that memory is a strange thing and if you're involved in this memory and don't remember it the way I remember it, that's fine. Details of such things are often different.
The Album: Steely Dan Can't Buy a Thrill
The Story: My dad is a musician. When I was little, he would sing to me all the time. One of the first bands I really connected to the songs he was singing was Steely Dan. "Do It Again" fascinated me as a 3 yr old and I would beg to hear it over and over. It was my first connection with tricksters and the concept of tricking one's self. For the rest of my life, I would always love songs about luck and self-destruction.
Thank you to: Mike Dunn, my father
The Lesson Learned: Adults were flawed but that is what made the best stories. Also, singing to your kids (exposing them to music) is just as important as reading to them.
Monday, May 21, 2018
Various Options
Read about how some jackwagon on Twitter was so disappointed that his current girlfriend didn't pass his 'girlfriend test.' The deal was, he invited her over to his house after he had purposefully made his kitchen as big a mess as he could. If she cleaned it for him without him even asking her to, then she would be 'wife material.' Of course, she didn't because she wasn't OCD or something like that. He was really upset because he liked her a lot, but ya know, she didn't live down to his sexist expectations.
The thing is, olboy would have saved himself a lot of time if he just, from the get, told women 'look I expect you to cook, clean, and do all the traditional stuff if we get married.' Was he risking a lot of women just rolling their eyes and walking away? Yes, but also, he would have saved himself a lot of time. No sneaky tests. No bitter disappointment. If there is someone out there who wanted this kind of arrangement, being upfront and honest is the best way to get it.
My roommate has blogged a lot about how he likes the fact that dating sites allow you to say everything you do and do not want. Does this mean people will get excluded? Yes. However, it also means that if you are on their exclusion list, you can just move on to the next person.
I mean, I'm fat as hell and mean as hell and I'm not capable of doing much. I enjoy my company more than most everyone else and will always, until someone really shows me otherwise, assume I'm the smartest person in the room. I will lie to you for my own amusement and poke at anything you might find sacred. Given all that, am I shocked I'm single? NO! Basically, no one would want to put up with my ass and I am fine with that. If someone ever does come along who sees me as the best option ever, I'll be so damned shocked I'll have to marry them. Until that day, I'm not going to shed a tear that some ass wants a woman who will clean his kitchen and he shouldn't shed a tear that most women won't want to do that.
The thing is, olboy would have saved himself a lot of time if he just, from the get, told women 'look I expect you to cook, clean, and do all the traditional stuff if we get married.' Was he risking a lot of women just rolling their eyes and walking away? Yes, but also, he would have saved himself a lot of time. No sneaky tests. No bitter disappointment. If there is someone out there who wanted this kind of arrangement, being upfront and honest is the best way to get it.
My roommate has blogged a lot about how he likes the fact that dating sites allow you to say everything you do and do not want. Does this mean people will get excluded? Yes. However, it also means that if you are on their exclusion list, you can just move on to the next person.
I mean, I'm fat as hell and mean as hell and I'm not capable of doing much. I enjoy my company more than most everyone else and will always, until someone really shows me otherwise, assume I'm the smartest person in the room. I will lie to you for my own amusement and poke at anything you might find sacred. Given all that, am I shocked I'm single? NO! Basically, no one would want to put up with my ass and I am fine with that. If someone ever does come along who sees me as the best option ever, I'll be so damned shocked I'll have to marry them. Until that day, I'm not going to shed a tear that some ass wants a woman who will clean his kitchen and he shouldn't shed a tear that most women won't want to do that.
Food for Thought
Before the start of the weekend, my roommate and I had a discussion about how difficult it can be for us to have an appetite during the summer. The hotter things get, the less interest we have in meals. This hasn't always been the case, but over the last few years, it's gotten worse.
With this in mind, we talked about what we can manage to eat and what tends to sound appetizing. We have kind of a running list of what will work and variations we can make so we don't get sick of the same things. Cool, uncomplicated food is the basic theme. The food shopping on Friday happened around this idea.
I would say for our first weekend, things were successful. The meals always sounded good and left us feeling sated. I don't think either of us had to dread a meal and that is very good. While I do need to watch the kind and amount of food I eat, skipping meals is never a good idea.
Anyway, I'm feeling positive about this assessment of our situation and the actions we've taken to help us. The weekend was great in a lot of ways, but I would say this is the biggest triumph.
With this in mind, we talked about what we can manage to eat and what tends to sound appetizing. We have kind of a running list of what will work and variations we can make so we don't get sick of the same things. Cool, uncomplicated food is the basic theme. The food shopping on Friday happened around this idea.
I would say for our first weekend, things were successful. The meals always sounded good and left us feeling sated. I don't think either of us had to dread a meal and that is very good. While I do need to watch the kind and amount of food I eat, skipping meals is never a good idea.
Anyway, I'm feeling positive about this assessment of our situation and the actions we've taken to help us. The weekend was great in a lot of ways, but I would say this is the biggest triumph.
Saturday, May 19, 2018
Reboot Overdo
I watched an episode of the reboot of Trading Spaces tonight after my roommate and I had a discussion about the weird reboot of Thunder Cats. Later, I watched the commercial for the reboot of Murphy Brown and then the one for Charmed. While I was on YouTube watching these, I noticed there were a lot of videos for other reboots. A LOT of them.
Some of these things are fine, really. Trading Spaces is such a simple formula, it really had no reason to even go off the air. Murphy Brown is coming back with most of the same cast on the idea that it's time to revive FYI because this presidency needed them to be reporting on it.
However, I am more than a little bothered by the idea of so many shows coming back. It means a lot of new ideas and newer shows are probably getting rejected or lost in the shuffle because no one wants to take a chance on them. It means our collective pop culture is just looping back instead of going forward. I'm not happy about that part.
We need more stories, not less. We need new characters, not just the old ones. We need to explore and discover other people's imaginations, not just stay in the same sandboxes.
Some of these things are fine, really. Trading Spaces is such a simple formula, it really had no reason to even go off the air. Murphy Brown is coming back with most of the same cast on the idea that it's time to revive FYI because this presidency needed them to be reporting on it.
However, I am more than a little bothered by the idea of so many shows coming back. It means a lot of new ideas and newer shows are probably getting rejected or lost in the shuffle because no one wants to take a chance on them. It means our collective pop culture is just looping back instead of going forward. I'm not happy about that part.
We need more stories, not less. We need new characters, not just the old ones. We need to explore and discover other people's imaginations, not just stay in the same sandboxes.
Friday, May 18, 2018
Bit by Bit
I think one of the most glorious things in life is falling in love all over again with an album. It's why I believe when it comes to your favorite albums, you develop a relationship with them as much as you would with a person. Music can provide companionship in times when people just can't. I've used music to help me mourn the passing of loved ones, help me awaken new aspects of myself, and, you know, sometimes just to chill out.
Recently, a song on an album that I have loved since high school has been playing through my head. It was never my favorite song, though I knew it was a genius song. It was part of a sequence of my favorite part of the album, so I would always listen to it, but it was never a treasure the way other tracks were. It seems that now that song is demanding my love and attention. It won't leave my brain. To that end, I've been listening to it a lot and letting it do what it needs to do.
I have no idea why this is happening, but I'm glad it is.
Recently, a song on an album that I have loved since high school has been playing through my head. It was never my favorite song, though I knew it was a genius song. It was part of a sequence of my favorite part of the album, so I would always listen to it, but it was never a treasure the way other tracks were. It seems that now that song is demanding my love and attention. It won't leave my brain. To that end, I've been listening to it a lot and letting it do what it needs to do.
I have no idea why this is happening, but I'm glad it is.
Thursday, May 17, 2018
The Ghost Cats
My roommate blogged about how it had been a year since we lost our Rowancat. I felt really horrible when I read it because I didn't remember it was a year today. It slipped my mind, just like how I can't remember the exact date the other cats died either, or the date my mother died, or the date my grandmother died. Or anyone, for that matter.
It isn't like I don't think about them. I most certainly do. In fact, I've been dreaming about my grandmother a lot. I'm bad with dates, though. They don't stick in my mind.
One of the ways my roommate and I have processed the loss of the cats is to talk about them (and all the other cats we've lost) as The Ghost Cats. We don't really see ghosts of them, we just pretend we do. We come up with stories about what the ghost cats are thinking, things they would say. We discuss how they feel about the new cat Millie and how they continue to roll their eyes at the most unsociable Tinkerbelle.
We never discussed that we would begin to talk about The Ghost Cats. One day it just started. It's helped to ease the loss. It helps to fill the house. We're not just two people with a pissed off old cat and a goofus kitten. We're two people with a wide array of ghostly cats that lounge about the house making commentary in all the goings on . . . plus a pissed off old cat and a goofus kitten.
It isn't like I don't think about them. I most certainly do. In fact, I've been dreaming about my grandmother a lot. I'm bad with dates, though. They don't stick in my mind.
One of the ways my roommate and I have processed the loss of the cats is to talk about them (and all the other cats we've lost) as The Ghost Cats. We don't really see ghosts of them, we just pretend we do. We come up with stories about what the ghost cats are thinking, things they would say. We discuss how they feel about the new cat Millie and how they continue to roll their eyes at the most unsociable Tinkerbelle.
We never discussed that we would begin to talk about The Ghost Cats. One day it just started. It's helped to ease the loss. It helps to fill the house. We're not just two people with a pissed off old cat and a goofus kitten. We're two people with a wide array of ghostly cats that lounge about the house making commentary in all the goings on . . . plus a pissed off old cat and a goofus kitten.
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
Productive Tuesday
Heeey, for once in my life, I actually did the thing I said I was going to do. I put away my laundry, vacuumed my floor, and got my bed situation handled. It exhausted me and I will probably take a couple of days to recover, but it happened.
A while back I saw someone complaining about people who highlighted the fact that they did what are 'simple tasks' like getting out of bed and showering. At the time, I felt a bit of shame at his comments. Now, I realize he was speaking from the perspective of someone who does get to view that kind of thing as simple. For people who are ill (physically, emotionally, mentally) and disabled, getting out of bed every morning CAN be an ordeal. Showering can be impossible.
In fact, while I did accomplish the stuff in my room, I still had help. My roommate very kindly moved a chair in there so I could work. He also did part of my bed stuff and handed me a couple of things. Without that help, I would be even more exhausted than I am now.
So yes, I will celebrate that I did the thing (simple to some people) that I set out to do. I will celebrate the help I was given. I will celebrate a clean room.
A while back I saw someone complaining about people who highlighted the fact that they did what are 'simple tasks' like getting out of bed and showering. At the time, I felt a bit of shame at his comments. Now, I realize he was speaking from the perspective of someone who does get to view that kind of thing as simple. For people who are ill (physically, emotionally, mentally) and disabled, getting out of bed every morning CAN be an ordeal. Showering can be impossible.
In fact, while I did accomplish the stuff in my room, I still had help. My roommate very kindly moved a chair in there so I could work. He also did part of my bed stuff and handed me a couple of things. Without that help, I would be even more exhausted than I am now.
So yes, I will celebrate that I did the thing (simple to some people) that I set out to do. I will celebrate the help I was given. I will celebrate a clean room.
Monday, May 14, 2018
Unfocused Monday
I was kind of out of it today. It didn't feel like Monday. It didn't feel like anything, really. I wasn't in a bad mood. I guess I was just somewhat numb. There is this layer of stuff on my fingernails I can't quite remove. The uglier the polish, the harder it clings to your nails.
I have got to try and put some order into my room tomorrow. I have clean clothes piled up in baskets everywhere, and yet somehow it took me forever to find a shirt this morning. Things need to be organized, mostly so they'll be less hot and I can have some easier access to things.
So yeah, I need brain organization and room organization. I hope it happens.
I have got to try and put some order into my room tomorrow. I have clean clothes piled up in baskets everywhere, and yet somehow it took me forever to find a shirt this morning. Things need to be organized, mostly so they'll be less hot and I can have some easier access to things.
So yeah, I need brain organization and room organization. I hope it happens.
Sunday, May 13, 2018
Mother's Day
I'm usually weird about this day, due to growing up with complicated mother/grandmother relationships. This year, I'm not weird. I'm okay with today. Mothers are human and complicated. They helped to shape me, but they don't define me.
I did dream about my grandmother last night. I dreamed a neighbor invited herself into the house. Grandma was still alive and kept side-eying me about how this woman wouldn't leave. It was really funny.
The people on my game who are usually assholes were even more assholish today. I'm guessing Mother's Day makes them lash out. I wonder if they realize that's showing.
I did dream about my grandmother last night. I dreamed a neighbor invited herself into the house. Grandma was still alive and kept side-eying me about how this woman wouldn't leave. It was really funny.
The people on my game who are usually assholes were even more assholish today. I'm guessing Mother's Day makes them lash out. I wonder if they realize that's showing.
Saturday, May 12, 2018
Observations
Even though it's been a while, I still have skin peeling off of the cut on my elbow. It's a strange area of my body now. I have no idea what's going to happen with it. The weather is making me swollen and it isn't comfortable. Things will level out in a bit mostly when it's a lot hotter and I'm sweating more. Until then, it's just awful.
Meanwhile, I'm having a pretty good weekend. My roommate put one of the new fans in the window today. It's tall and fancy. I hope it serves us well.
Meanwhile, I'm having a pretty good weekend. My roommate put one of the new fans in the window today. It's tall and fancy. I hope it serves us well.
Friday, May 11, 2018
Return of the Mellow
Today was beautiful and I was in a good mood. I saw my best friend and then hung out in the van while my roommate bought us some stuff to help get through the summer. It was hot, but by the time we got home, it was starting to cool down a little and the rest of the evening was great.
Since I decided to opt out of therapy, I've felt the sense of mellow returning. I think maybe having that one extra task every week was part of what was stressing me out. I've been happy and confident the last several days. It's a nice place to be.
Since I decided to opt out of therapy, I've felt the sense of mellow returning. I think maybe having that one extra task every week was part of what was stressing me out. I've been happy and confident the last several days. It's a nice place to be.
Thursday, May 10, 2018
Talk of Spoons
I had a really good time with one of my best friends today. We ate ice cream and talked about the state of the world, of ourselves, and of reality in general. It was very nice to get to see her. It's been too long. I thought about getting my haircut afterward, but it was getting kind of late (also I needed to pee), and I'm thinking I'll try to make that happen next Wednesday.
I'm still having some aftershocks from the last fall. My elbow still aches quite a lot and I suspect things aren't fully healed on the inside. I'm also still very, very exhausted when I have to do more than the usual routine of physical things. It's possible this last fall killed one of the spoons I had remaining.
Overall, it's another nice evening. I just painted my nails a kind of ugly brown color and now I'm watching Camilla sleep on the chair. She's beautiful and I love her. I'm so glad I have her and Tinkerbell in my life.
I'm still having some aftershocks from the last fall. My elbow still aches quite a lot and I suspect things aren't fully healed on the inside. I'm also still very, very exhausted when I have to do more than the usual routine of physical things. It's possible this last fall killed one of the spoons I had remaining.
Overall, it's another nice evening. I just painted my nails a kind of ugly brown color and now I'm watching Camilla sleep on the chair. She's beautiful and I love her. I'm so glad I have her and Tinkerbell in my life.
Wednesday, May 9, 2018
Lovely Night
In the coming weeks and months, I will no doubt complain bitterly about the weather. As you know, I dislike hot weather. I don't like sweating. I don't like humidity, and I don't like trying to sleep in a warm room. All of this causes me a lot of pain and annoyance.
However, we're not there yet. Tonight and last night, things have been lovely. It's around 70 and the humidity isn't making it feel hotter than that. The windows are open, which is leveling out the pressure in the house. There are fans on, but only the smaller ones that don't make a lot of noise. It's calm, mild, and just rather nice.
So tonight, it is a rare occasion where I am just happy with what the weather is doing. It's pleasant and that is just great. Thank you, nature, for being nice to me for once.
However, we're not there yet. Tonight and last night, things have been lovely. It's around 70 and the humidity isn't making it feel hotter than that. The windows are open, which is leveling out the pressure in the house. There are fans on, but only the smaller ones that don't make a lot of noise. It's calm, mild, and just rather nice.
So tonight, it is a rare occasion where I am just happy with what the weather is doing. It's pleasant and that is just great. Thank you, nature, for being nice to me for once.
It's Me
So I broke up with my therapist. Hmm. Not even sure if she counts as 'my therapist' as I only saw her that one time. Anyway, I guess you could say I broke up with therapy, or rather, phased out of therapy. It wasn't therapy; it was me. And I'm okay with that.
Do I believe therapy worked for me? Oh goodness gracious yes. I learned a lot. I processed a lot. I grieved with therapy. I got through the scariest time of my life with therapy. I learned to cope with menopause with therapy. And this year, I'm learning to live without it. It was time.
So we'll see how this goes.
Do I believe therapy worked for me? Oh goodness gracious yes. I learned a lot. I processed a lot. I grieved with therapy. I got through the scariest time of my life with therapy. I learned to cope with menopause with therapy. And this year, I'm learning to live without it. It was time.
So we'll see how this goes.
Sunday, May 6, 2018
Final Decisions
As I said I would, I've taken this weekend to think about where I'm going to go from here in terms of therapy . . .or rather, where I won't be going. I've decided I'm going to quit for a while. I think I've gone as far as I can with mental health. This isn't to say I'm completely sane and normal, however, the things I still need to unpack emotionally just can't be done with some new therapist. I think I've hit a plateau of where I can be helped. I need to use what I've learned and see how well I can do now.
Anyway, this may not work out. I may find in a month or so I need to go back. But for now, I feel positive about it. This is a major change in my life.
Anyway, this may not work out. I may find in a month or so I need to go back. But for now, I feel positive about it. This is a major change in my life.
Saturday, May 5, 2018
Decisions
After some reflection, I've decided the new therapist isn't going to work for me. I'm going to think about what that means over the weekend and where to go from here. Honestly, I'm considering just dropping therapy completely. I think, for the moment, I have learned what I can. I'm not sure I'm at a place where someone else can help me move to the next level of things.
A few years ago, I'd discussed working my way out of therapy. This never happened because, quite honestly, my therapist at the time had to miss a lot of days. She would miss or I would miss. It got to where we were only meeting about once a month. During the rest of the time, I was having to sort through my own stuff. Usually, by the time I saw her, I was just kind of giving a summary of what I'd done.
That isn't to say I'm completely better. I still have a lot of issues. I also have tools to deal with them now. I have ways to work through problems and tactics for handling the things that come into my life.
Anyway, I'll weigh the pros and cons of it over the weekend. On Monday I'll call down there and inform them I'm not going to see her anymore. No matter what else happens, that is certainly decided.
A few years ago, I'd discussed working my way out of therapy. This never happened because, quite honestly, my therapist at the time had to miss a lot of days. She would miss or I would miss. It got to where we were only meeting about once a month. During the rest of the time, I was having to sort through my own stuff. Usually, by the time I saw her, I was just kind of giving a summary of what I'd done.
That isn't to say I'm completely better. I still have a lot of issues. I also have tools to deal with them now. I have ways to work through problems and tactics for handling the things that come into my life.
Anyway, I'll weigh the pros and cons of it over the weekend. On Monday I'll call down there and inform them I'm not going to see her anymore. No matter what else happens, that is certainly decided.
Wednesday, May 2, 2018
New Therapist
Well, I met her. I'm not sure how I feel. I wasn't sure that I liked the focus of the appointment. I'll give it a shot and see how things go. Maybe it's what I need. I'll keep an open mind about this because I need to, but my first impressions weren't super great.
I would like to add I am not happy with this change. I didn't want it to happen. I did not choose for it to happen. I feel like I'm having to adjust a lot of things when none of it was really caused by me. I guess my anxiety about this whole thing has moved to anger. That isn't the best way to begin a relationship with a therapist, but here we are.
I would like to add I am not happy with this change. I didn't want it to happen. I did not choose for it to happen. I feel like I'm having to adjust a lot of things when none of it was really caused by me. I guess my anxiety about this whole thing has moved to anger. That isn't the best way to begin a relationship with a therapist, but here we are.
Tuesday, May 1, 2018
Meeting Anxiety
Tomorrow I meet with my new therapist for the first time. I wasn't really that anxious about this until tonight. Now it's really starting to mess with me. It's been years since I had a new therapist and I really have no idea how to start this again. What does one even say?
Anyway, I'll do my best to try and make this work. I know she'll be as nervous as I am. It's difficult to walk into a situation where someone's been getting treatment from another therapist and take over. I guess this will sort itself in time, but right now there is just so much up in the air.
Anyway, I'll do my best to try and make this work. I know she'll be as nervous as I am. It's difficult to walk into a situation where someone's been getting treatment from another therapist and take over. I guess this will sort itself in time, but right now there is just so much up in the air.
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