Sunday Summeries

I'm sorry about not posting last night. There were storms and this must have scared those who hamsters who run the internet around here. I lost internet completely around midnight and couldn't do anything. That, of course, is my favorite time to blog.  Today I went to my brother's house and has Easter dinner/Dad's birthday with the family. The kids hunted Easter eggs in the front yard. We ate some really great ham. It was a rather fun day.

This week is going to be busy. I have a doctor's appointment in the morning, therapy on Tuesday, Wednesday we have to deal with first of the month bills, Thursday I go to see my BFF, and then we'll be shopping on Friday. This will be plenty of stress for my roommate and me, so I'm really hoping no other stressful things are added to it. We have enough on the plate as it is.

My favorite TV show started tonight, which means I get the next thirteen weeks to read tons of articles about it and obsess happily. That always makes me giddy. It's good to have this show back on, as so many others are coming to the end of their seasons. And really, Game of Thrones coming back is one of the few things I look forward to during Spring. After all, Spring is right before dreaded summer. Stupid season of hot.

I have to make some decisions about some projects I'm working on tomorrow. This will require some very realistic analysis of said projects. I have alternatives for one of them . . . and the other one is mainly just a waiting game if it can't get started now. We'll see.

I'll discuss more on all of that later.

Helicopter Parentagogo

Susan A. Patton, mother of two grown sons, has been writing open letters on their behalf all of their lives. Somehow, this hasn't sent either of them into a psych ward yet. I'm a little bit shocked over that. In her most recent letter, she addressed the women who are going to colleges at Princeton with her younger son. Patton herself went to Princeton back in the day, so I guess she feels she has some stuff to say about it. Gawker's article about it can be found here.

If you don't want to follow the link, the basic idea is that this woman wrote a letter to all the young women at Princeton and lectured them on why they should be trying to date her son. She reminded them that it was difficult for women to find men to marry, especially if said women were smart. She also reminded them that the older women got, the less options they had for finding men to marry, as men always choose women who are younger than they are.

As this woman enjoys writing open letters to people, I thought she might enjoy me writing a letter to her. Everyone likes that, right right?

Dear Susan A. Patton,

Fuck off.

First of all, this may be news to you, but a lot of people . . . even the female people . . . don't go to college to find a spouse. Many people go to college to further their educations, receive the degrees everyone thinks we need in order to get jobs, and to get the hell away from their own overbearing parents. By overbearing parent, I mean people like you. Anyone who already has a set of their own isn't going to want to be saddled with more of them.  You may have not noticed, but more and more people are getting married later in life . . . or just not getting married at all. For many people, it's not a priority. So this business where you try to scare girls into thinking their options are limited is probably falling on deaf ears.

Second of all, in the long list of things that make people unsexy, 'my mom wrote a letter telling people to date me' ranks pretty high up there on the unsexy scale. If you wanted you son to be ostracized and laughed at from now until the day people forget about this, good job. Otherwise, you failed.

Third, and this is maybe the point that many people like you seem to miss the most often, your child is not going to get what is owed to him just because YOU said something about it. If this has worked in the past, I am very annoyed with everyone who let you get away with it, because they shouldn't have. Your kid shouldn't get stuff handed to them just because you decided to whine about it. He shouldn't get a job because you call someone. He shouldn't get a great apartment just because you spoke to the man who owns the building. And he most certainly shouldn't get a girlfriend because you decided to take it upon yourself to write a letter trying to shame girls into dating him.

You may not realize it, but you are doing your son the greatest of disservices when you do stuff like this. You see, what you are communicating to everyone else is that your kid isn't capable of getting things on his own. He can't get a girlfriend unless YOU find a way for him to get one. He can't just be charming or funny or attractive enough on his own. YOU have to hold his hand and point out his merits to others. At the end of the day, you have no faith in him.

I know this is a harsh truth that people probably don't want to tell you, but I'm going to tell you anyway. Most of the girls who read your open letter think you're a crackpot. They think you're insane. They think you're out of touch. They would never date your son, and even if he was a great guy, they probably won't date him now because they never want to be around you ever ever.

You state in your letter that the cornerstone of most women's 'future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry.' You wrote this. In 2013, you wrote this. This is sexist, heteronormative bullshit, and I hope you realize it's bullshit. If it's not, if this is something that you truly believe, I feel very sorry for you. I hope you can find some hobbies or something.

Happiness is something that people work at (or don't work at) every day. It's not an endgame, dependent on making all the right decisions. Happiness is fuel, a state of of mind, that you can have no matter what decisions you make or what type of circumstances you face. In my life, I have found happiness in the most sad of times. I have found happiness in my failures. And I have found all of this happiness without being married to any man.

You're going to face a lot of backlash from your stupid letter, and sadly your son is going to face it as well. Like I said above, if your goal is to make him single for the rest of his life, you're doing a great job. If that isn't your goal . . . you know what? I don't care what your goals for him are. He's an adult. His goals are what are important. I hope he achieves them and I hope he does it without you interfering so that he can feel like HE accomplished something.

So in conclusion, shut up. And fuck off.

Sincerely,

Blackhaired Barbie

Not Attractive

Recently, I've come across quite a few articles and comments about the issues surrounding physical attractiveness. It's not like this is a new topic. People discuss this all the time. Ways to become more attractive. How unfair it is that some people are more attractive than others. How attractive people are treated better by society than non-attractive people.

A lot of people get very hung up about the injustice of not being attractive. It's easy to do. When you're not an attractive person, it seems like the beautiful people have everything going for them. It seems like their lives are so easy. Their lives aren't easy, by the way, because 'easy' is relative. Every card you are dealt has consequences, even the pretty cards.

I will admit, I used to burn at the injustice of not being one of the beautiful people. I was the fat girl who 'had a pretty face.' Meaning that, you know, I had a pretty face . . . but that was all. It certainly wasn't enough. Like many young people, this felt so unfair to me. Why couldn't I just be loved for how I looked right at that moment?

What I failed to see was that I WAS loved, looks or not. Now, these were not romantic relationships (most of them); they were friends. These were people who valued me because of what was on the inside. This is pretty amazing, considering my insides tended to be full of acid and venom. I have some of the best friends in the world.

Did I ever develop a long standing romantic relationship? No. And I probably never will. Even once I get down to a healthy weight, I don't think that sort of thing will ever be a priority for me. I'm not sure it ever was.

Because the truth about wanting to have a romantic partner is that, if it IS a priority for you, you do the things needed to BE attractive. You lose the weight. You present yourself as healthy. You get therapy to help you get past your hang ups. You take lessons on how to be a more social person. You keep yourself clean. You get a decent haircut. You learn how to have a conversation. You learn to listen.

If you're not willing to take those steps . . . maybe you should question whether or not you really WANT to be in a romantic relationship. Because, yeah, it takes a lot of work. Once you have one, it takes even more work. If you can't be bothered, then just let go of the concept and move on with your life.

I dislike the phrase "there's someone out there for everyone." I know that quite often, people say this as a kind of comfort to the sad, single people. I also know it gives said people some hope, but I think it's a false hope. I don't think that everyone is born with a soulmate. I don't think everyone is born with this intangible connection to some other person. For one thing, that just isn't realistic.

For another, there are people who seem to use this concept as some kind of entitlement, and as some kind of excuse for blaming their problems on other people. "Oh, I have someone out there, but I've decided it's him and he is ignoring me." "I know that she is the someone I should be with, but she's selfishly wanting to let her career come first." No. There is no special someone out there for you. At best, you will meet someone who wants to be married at about the same time you want to be married and neither of you find the other TOO annoying.

In the meantime, if you're not attractive, don't let it tear you up inside. There are going to be other assholes who try to do that and you're about the best defender you have. If you're not attractive and you dislike that fact,  see if there are ways to change it (I've been told being clean goes a long way). If you don't really dislike that fact, stop forcing yourself to feel guilty about it. There are worst things in  the world.

Progress of Convenience and Emotional Comfort

At least once a year, I have to go through this process of discussing my Disability status with the powers that be. This always involves me giving them information that they a. already have and b. can get themselves just be pressing some buttons. Still, for some reason, one agency never wants to talk to another agency, so I have to be the one gathering all the info for them. I honestly don't mind . . . other than points a and b. Okay, I also mind because it's usually nerve-wrenching and takes forever.

In the last year though, the government has done a lot of stuff to restructure their printable files. One of the things I noticed when I was getting my tax forms was that everything was more or less easy to find and printed off without too much of a hitch. It was a small comfort in the midst of a crisis.

SSA has also made things easier and more available. There are a lot of security checks one has to go through (as there should be with any kind of government database), but once they are sure you are who you say you are, it's not really all that difficult to print off the information you need.

How did this help? Well, any time you're having to send information to one government agency, there is always a deadline. It's usually about a month from when the letter (informing you that you that this process has started) is sent out.  That seems like plenty of time, but if you're having to get information from another agency, said information could take up to two weeks to arrive by the mail. This cuts your time closer, and trust me, when you're dealing with stuff like this, you don't want to get too close to the deadlines.

However, printing out what you need takes almost no time at all . . . depending on the speed of your internet connection and reliability of your printer. Instead of worrying for two weeks or more about all the possible things that could go wrong with your information in the mail, you can sit quietly in your home and watch it as it prints its happy little self out.

Any time you have to deal with paperwork that is sent to the government, it can eat at your soul. Any steps that you can take to make this less painful should be taken. Even if it's not something for the powers that be, it's always best to see if you can cut time out of any tasks by finding faster solutions. It takes things off your To Do list and removes some of the stressors from your brain.

Justin Bieber and Why I Believe in Marriage Equality

I do not like Justin Bieber's music. I have no interest in listening to it. The fact that it is popular annoys me. I feel like music such as the Biebs music is a large part of what is wrong with modern music, that kind of plastic, repeated lyrics, easily mocked fluff that dominates the airwaves. If he comes on a show, I roll my eyes and mute it. I won't buy one of his songs, nor would I go to one of his concerts. And it's not that I hate the kid personally, because I don't hate him. I don't KNOW him. I wish him no ill will, in fact, I hope his future is filled with a strong career of less crappy music.

At the same time, while I choose not to listen to Justin's music, I understand that there are people out there who do. I have to admit, I don't understand WHY they like it. I honestly don't get that at all. However, I know it makes the happy. I know it has a lot of meaning to them. I know they love listening to it for hours on end, singing it, and screaming at his concerts. I don't see the same thing in this music that they see, but I know their passion for it is real. The happiness it brings them is real. They have a right to that happiness.

Now, if two of Justin Bieber's fans decided they wanted to get married and listen to his music forever, I wouldn't care. I wouldn't see it as a threat to society. I wouldn't see it as a threat to the future of the music industry (after all, they already like his music). I certainly wouldn't see it as a threat to me getting married to, say, some guy who happened to really like the music I like. The reason I wouldn't see it as a threat is because it has absolutely nothing to DO with any marriage I might have. In fact, someone else's marriage has nothing to do with me whatsoever.

You might, at this moment, be thinking that your religious beliefs about homosexuality are far more serious than my dislike of Justin Bieber's music. I don't know the depths of your convictions, but I can tell you that my dislike for cheesy pop songs is a pretty serious thing to me. Trust me, it just grinds me teeth. You may think that your convictions are deep and important and all kinds of stuff, but, at the end of the day, it still doesn't change the fact that what other consenting adults do is really none of your business. It also doesn't change the fact that when we start denying people rights, we're going against that whole 'this is a country of freedoms' thing. I'm not really that comfortable with that.

I've seen a lot of people talk about how marriage shouldn't be something the government decides. It shouldn't be something that the government interferes with. It's a nice idea, but it's not that simple. A marriage between two people brings about a lot of legal protections. Your spouse can make medical decisions for you when you're unable to. Your spouse is the person who will take care of your children if something happens to you. It is easier to leave possessions, money, and other things to a spouse after you die. A marriage contract is a way to define what rights people have within a marriage and what rights they don't have. It also gives you an avenue for leaving the relationship if that becomes necessary.

I don't think you have to like someone else or want to do the same things they want to do before you can support the idea that they have the same rights and protections as you. I think we can reasonably say that everyone should get the chance to find someone to annoy the shit out of for the rest of their lives. That kind of thing shouldn't just be limited to straight people.

Private Money Hells

You know, with all of the talk about the government and our bad economy, I sometimes think that we're missing the bigger picture. I hear people worry about the deficit and how much we're spending as a nation. I hear people worry about social programs and military spending and Medicare. I know all of this has problems, but, honestly, I don't think any of that is the biggest issue facing the US. I think our biggest problem is personal debt.

I was talking to a friend about his money problems (said friend confirmed I could use this in the blog, just not to use his name). He has a mortgage on his house that is taking up 35% of his monthly take home income, and that isn't counting his property taxes, house repairs, or insurance. His student loans are another 25% of his monthly income and he has a car loan that takes another 15%.  Like with the house payment, the car payment isn't covering his insurance, tag, or any repairs made on the car. He has quite a few credit cars and pays about another 10% if his income on those.

So . . . before he ever pays his utilities or buys food or gas, he is putting 85% of his income towards debts. My friend makes a good living and his take home income is fairly nice . . . at least by my standards. However, due to all the debt he's in, he feels like he has nothing. Most months, he ends up having to put some food/gas payments on his credit cards, which means even if he's paying on them every month, he's never really lowering his balance.

Now, my friend wanted me to point out that he doesn't feel sorry for himself and he doesn't want anyone else to either. He made stupid decisions when he was young and put himself in this bind. Currently, he's trying to find ways to reduce his debt amounts, but isn't having an easy time of it. He's a smart guy though, so I'm thinking he'll find a way.

My friend's situation may seem extreme, but sadly, it's not.  There are a lot of people in the US who are trying to pay off student loans while keeping their cars running and roof over their heads. I'm not saying anything you don't already know here, nor am I trying to get you to feel about this fact one way or the other.

Well, okay, I am, but just to say this . . . while we live in a society where most people are constantly in debt, we have very little disposable income.  Without this disposable income, we're not buying things the way we could. We're not hiring contractors to fix our back porches and we're not hiring maids to help clean the house once a week. We're not going into the coffee shop for an extra coffee and a cookie. We're not picking up a new book or a new comic book or going to see a movie just because we liked the title.

As long as our money is completely tied up, we're not going to be able to spend the money needed to jump start the economy the way it needs to be. If spending isn't happening, no new jobs will be created. Without new jobs, our unemployment rate is still going to be high.

I will admit, I don't know what the solution is here. I honestly think that when the big bank bailouts happened, we would have been better off just giving every US citizen a million dollars to get out of debt. The banks did nothing with that money except squander it. I think the average citizen would have put it to better use. Once they paid off their debts, most of us would have invested it in sustainable things like houses and cars. We could have had stable neighborhoods instead of vast areas of abandoned houses.

Alas, we didn't do that and right now, the government is so overdrawn, it CAN'T do that. For the moment, the best we can do is just try to keep our heads above the waves.

Cats, Love, and Broken Faith

The girl cats have an interesting custody agreement about my roommate and me. During the day, Rhiannon sits with my roommate and Rowan is more often found sitting near me. At night, Rhiannon sleeps in my bed and Rowan sleeps with him. This isn't clockwork, nothing ever exactly is with cats, but it is the usual way of things. It makes me happy.

Right now, Rowan is lounging against my foot, facing away from me. Every once in a while, she'll turn in my direction and look at me until I pet her. I indulge her . . . until she bites me. She almost always bites me. It's never hard, but it's certainly not comfortable. It's just one of the little quirks of her being her.  And honestly, it's easier to handle than Rhiannon's kneading. Rowan kneads too, but her claws are smaller and it doesn't hurt as much. Rhi can make it painful. This isn't something you want to experience in the middle of the night.

I watched Moonrise Kingdom and it was beautiful. It was very well acted and wonderfully written. And, of course, the directing was perfection. It was just stunningly well done and one of the best love stories I've seen in a long time. Though, I suppose it wasn't so much a love story as a story about faith. To really love someone, you have to have faith.

You have to have that kind of unwavering faith than you can make it through anything so long as you have this other person. I think the reason why a lot of us accept being single and alone as a blessing is the fact that whatever part of us that had that faith was broken a long time ago. The faith in love just drained away and will never return. It's sad, but then again, not everyone can get a happy ending.

Game of Thrones starts the third season next week. I'm really excited about this, as I'm sure all the fans are. They'll be working on material from my favorite book of the series.  It's the book where a lot of people get married and a lot more people die. I can't wait to see how it all plays out on film. I'm sure it will be great.

See, I still have faith in SOME things.

Same as It Ever Was

I decided to do another look back at the blog posts I'd done in the last two years of blogging on this day, just to get a handle on what I was thinking and interested in during those times. While I don't want to have this project become the focus of my year, I still want to review the posts from time to time, just to see what was happening.

It's interesting that in both posts, I'm discussing aspects of communication in terms of what is being said and what is really meant. In 2011, my post was about how to ask for help without annoying people. I was using Crazypants Philip from Survivor as my example of how NOT to ask for help. He wanted two girls to help around camp and asked in his usual overbearing and obnoxious way. Neither of them helped him and ended up angry at him over the matter. His communication failed.

In one of the private interviews, Boston Rob pointed out a way he could have gotten at least one of them to help had he framed the request as being more to their benefit than to his. Rob understood this, because the key to a good con is always making sure everyone gets something they want . . . or at least, they think they're going to.

The funny thing is, this season of Survivor has the return of Philip, who is just as crazy and overbearing and unable to communicate as he was on his first season. He thinks he's a lot better, but he's also very lacking in the self-awareness department. In fact, he's already antagonized one insane contestant to the point that said contestant had to leave the show. Another contestant compared Philip's level of annoyance to being around a baby on a plane while the baby is not only crying but has diarrhea.

My post from last year was about how politicians were trying to pass law after law about women's reproductive rights. I wrote about how the politicians will claim they are trying to 'save babies' but clearly are not, as the only thing they were usually doing to this affect involved limiting the rights of women's choices over what they did with their bodies. They weren't trying to make pregnancy safer or more financially reasonable. They weren't trying to offer any kind of support system to perspective mothers. . . just do things that would insure they stayed mothers.

I would say that a year later, there hasn't been a whole lot of progress in terms of people not treating women's bodies like they're public domain. We still have politicians trying to legislate this. We even have private companies trying to weigh in on whether or not their female employees have access to birth control. They still claim it's 'for the babies,' and I still see very little proof of this being true. Their communication is revealing things they probably do not wish to have revealed.

So, as these things have not changed, I guess perhaps it is best I end with some basic communication points.

1. Understand what you really want. Be very honest with yourself about this, because whatever you really want is going to show to everyone else.
2. Formulate a plan on how to achieve your communication goal in a logical and rational manner. Many times, this means divorcing not only your emotions from the situation, but also your ego.
3. Find reasons why person you are wishing to convince will actually and truly benefit from what you want them to do. Keep in mind, this may have NOTHING to do with your end goal, but if it gets them on board with something they really want, then what would that matter?
4. If you are not persuasive the first time, it does you no good to dismiss the other person as stupid or degenerate. Consider other avenues of persuasion. Learn from your effort.

Like I said, I'm really enjoying the occasional look back at my posts. It's something I may continue to do from time to time. Have a good rest of the weekend.

Old Sour Immortals

I was reading an article about the possible problems that could happen if we cure aging. Stem cells are offering quite a lot of tantalizing avenues for things we could do to extend the human lifespan. If we learned how to manipulate our bodies properly, we might be able to end death via old age. There might not be an 'old age' anymore.

The problem is, this could possibly lead to an elite elder class who never lets go of their wealth, power, and influence. Okay, granted, that's kind of how the world runs now, but at least the old people who have power now eventually die. What if they didn't? What if the Supreme Court justices we have no were the last ones we would ever have? What if the Pope who was just elected was the last Pope to ever be elected? What if all the old ways of thinking about things just never ended?

I'm 39, so I kind of see both sides to the argument. On one hand, I'm young enough to realize how frustrating it would be if the older generations never went away. It would be so difficult to get anything to change if the same thought processes, the same conventions, and the same ideals continued to prevail. There could be a stagnation of human progress and that is terrifying. The younger generations would be forever held down by the Parents.

On the other hand, I'm old enough to be somewhat offended by the younger generation's resentment of anyone older than them. When many of them discuss older people, they discount their wisdom and experience. They don't honor what they've been through or see them as having any worth at all. A lot of them believe it would be better to just kill all the old people and not even worrying about trying to extend the life span. They'll probably feel that way until the moment they are confronting their own mortality.

I guess on a personal level, I find the idea of ending the aging/death cycle to be quite full of interesting possibilities. It would freak us out.  We're not raised to be immortal or even all that long-lived. We don't have the mindset for it. There are a lot of things we put up with in our lives because we know they won't last forever.  Eventually we'll die or the other person will die and we'll be free. I think if we were able to cure old age and dying, there would be a lot of divorce, a lot of people walking away from their current situations, and a lot of suicides.

I think a lot of people would find themselves alone as well. Some of them would do it because they wanted it that way. After all, many people put up with others simply because they don't wish to grow old and die alone. Other people would be alone because while their personalities are tolerable for a few years, they're too shitty to handle for hundreds. These people would either have to get over their lack of social skills or learn to embrace their new solitude.

After a while, there may not even be any future generations. Immortal people would have very little compulsion to breed and very little drive to actually make the sacrifices needed to raise children. I'm guessing that religions would fade away as well, because immortals have very little need to worry about an afterlife and all the religious people would have denied themselves the longevity treatments (can't go be with God if you're never going to die).

Would I allow myself to stop the aging process? My first instinct is to say no. I wasn't raised to think in those terms and adjustment would be very difficult. Then again, I have to keep in mind that after all while, I would adjust. I would come to accept this new situation and find the beauty in it. So, maybe I would.

Tis Not the Pumpkin Season

Pumpkin? Seriously?

As I've mentioned before, we put out food and water for the neighborhood outdoor cats. Honestly, I would love it if all of said cats were indoor cats, but they can't be for us. We have three cats inside (we had four with Alice, of course) and one of them is old, crotchety, and kind of in that place where he makes a lot of biological messes. 

Bringing another cat inside would drive us insane. Beyond that, most of the outdoor cats are a bit to wild to be inside and probably wouldn't adapt. At least,  that's what we thought. It turns out, we were mistaken.

I've talked about Ruffian many times in the blog. He's been with us since we moved over here, living in the barn and eating from the front porch. He coaches us when we do steps. The inside cats do not like him, even though he tries to participate with the family by hanging out in the window while we're inside. When he was injured last year, we used what spare funds we had to get him to the vet. While he was there, we had him fixed as to help control the cat population. As far as we were concerned, he was our cat . . . our outside cat, but still ours.

Only, he's not.

My roommate had to go over to the green house down the street and discuss some things. As he was talking to the woman, he noticed that Ruffian was sitting inside the house. She saw him watching the cat and confirmed his suspicions. It turns out that Ruffian is their cat. Oh, and his name is Pumpkin.

Pumpkin.

Pumpkin.

You know, there are many strange and nonobjective truths about life . . . and one of those truths is that what you name a pet is always far better than what someone else names them. Now, I'm sure that Green House Woman thinks that Pumpkin is a more suitable name for him than Ruffian. She's perfectly well allowed to think that, even though she's wrong.

I'm not saying Pumpkin isn't a good name for certain cats. There are plenty of cats who quite pumpkiny.  Ruffian, however, is not one of them. Not even now that he's gained a lot of weight and kind of LOOKS like a pumpkin. It doesn't suit him at all. It doesn't do him justice. It lends him no charm and I will not call him  that.

My roommate assures me that Pumpkin was probably a fine name when he was a kitten. He is, after all, quite orange. He was probably wee and round and squishy and adorably a cute little Pumpkin when he was a baby. We met him when he was almost an adult . . . a teenager, if you will, when his personality and behavior more closely resembled a ruffian. And he does, after all, answer to it.

Earlier today, my roomie was on the porch. "Come here, Ruffian," I heard him say. "I have some fresh food for you."

This was followed by, "Come here, Pumpkin."

I have no idea if the cat responded, but I certainly did. "We're NOT calling him that," I called out. My roommate laughed, but I hope he agrees with me.

Pumpkin.

Stepping Back

For a while now, I've been thinking about how I could write a blog post about the Steubenville rape case without it being completely stabbity on my part. The culture of rape we live in is a very emotional and frustrating issue for me. It's difficult for me to discuss it without being loud and angry. With that in mind, I will just let you read this article. Henry Rollins said everything that perhaps needed to be said.

This case is sickening and sad, and it seems to get worse as time passes. As horrifying as it is that the situation happened in the first place, now we have people lamenting the fact that these rapists have had their futures ruined. We also found out that the victim had people who were threatening her life. It sometimes stuns me the lengths people will go to in order to champion the "emotional fragility" of rapists.

That, however, is the last I will personally say about this case. I'm going to step back and just let others discuss it.

Sim Blog Success Stories, Plus Envy

Sims finally decided to get with the times and switched the sim mobile phone to a smart phone. For the most part, it's just like the mobile phone, except, now it has its own set of skills. I didn't even realize this until I had my sim send an insulting text to the cop who'd just arrested her. Suddenly, a skill bar appeared above her . . . all because she sent a text.

A few more times with this and I unlocked the option for her to start a blog. And, well, obviously I had to make THAT happen. It seemed amusing for my sim to have a blog (that I am now blogging about). At first, all she could do was just write about her daily life and take some pictures.

The sad thing is, my sim's blog is more successful than mine. She gains followers almost every day. At first she only had three or four, but after about the tenth or 11th post, she had over 150. That's not the best part though, the best part is that her blog followers will send her donations to keep writing. You know how many people have sent me donations to keep writing? None.

Then again, I have to admit that sims are a rather generous lot. I've had sims play guitar in the park for six hours and walk away with over 3000 simoleans. The sim had full guitar skills and I think most of the people strolling through the park were drunk, but still. That's a lot of money for just six hours. If they ever put out Sims: Stripper Addition, my sim will be able to retire in a week.

Anyway, so yes, a smart phone that you have to skill up and blogging abilities that far outreach my own. This gives me some ideas for a new kind of cruel challenge for the sim. I'll take away all the money and just make her live off blog donations. Bet she won't complain about having to write them after THAT.

Postcards from the Grinch

It's getting to the time of year when fans will be on almost constantly. I'm really not looking forward to that. The constant vibration annoys me, especially as I grow older. With age, I'm finding that what I savor more than anything else is quiet. I like the silence and the peace of it. I like just being alone with my thoughts. It's one of the reasons I am so happy I do not have children. It's also why, although I would hate to lose music, I'm not really all that fearful at the thought of going deaf. Yeah, sure it would be somewhat dangerous, but at least it would be quiet!

I like quiet so much I've decided that if I ever come into some wealth, I'm going to make sure to sound proof my home. Much like the Grinch, I do not like the noise noise noise. The neighborhood is very lour. Lots of motorcycles and weird loud equipment. Oh, and of course the children. I have this theory that one of them doesn't even have an inside voice. I think all the kid can do is scream.

I try to tune a lot of it out. I try to tune out the screamy children and the loud neighbors and the bitchy cats and the sourness of others. I do my best, but of course, you can't filter out all of it. That's just impossible. Instead, I just try to savor the moments like this one I'm having right now, when everyone is asleep, I'm alone, and it's all quiet.

Sometimes, it really is the simple pleasures that keep you going.

Are You Not Entertained?

I watched The Hunger Games for the first time today and liked it more than I thought I would. Actually, it's not that I thought I would DISLIKE the movie, it's just that I didn't realize how emotionally involved I would be with it. When I was younger, teenagers killing each other just seemed like a good way to get rid of annoying teenagers. In this case, I actually felt a lot of emotional loss when those kids would die.

As much as I hated Rue's death, and that one was certainly difficult, the one that got to me the most was Cato's. It's so easy to hate Cato through most of it. He's a vast dick who seems to get off on harming others, but in the end, when he has the emotional breakdown and begs Katniss to kill him because he was supposed to die anyway (as he'd been edited to be a villain), you can't help but feel sorry for him.

People have a lot of strong theories about The Hunger Games. From what I understand, many conservatives love the movie because they feel like it's about how horrible the world would be if liberals were in charge and allowed to suck 'real, ordinary hardworking Americans' dry of all their resources and freedoms. A lot of liberals like the movie because they think it shows what society would be like if a soulless, totalitarian corporation was in charge of making decisions. Human life would mean nothing if a profit could be made.

If anything, I think the story is a critique on our current obsession with reality television. Yes, I do remember that I watch a lot of reality tv, but I also realize that it can have a huge negative impact on people. Just this week, I watched as someone had a complete emotional breakdown on Survivor. We tune in to shows to watch the plotting and tactics. We watch people display their skills and work through challenges. On some reality shows, we get to watch amazing things being made.

At the same time, every reality show has its own element of freak show about it. A reality show season is considered boring by many if there are no fights or meltdowns or buckets of tears. In fact, some shows understand this so much, they make extra episodes just to show you the drama (lookin at YOU, RuPaul, even though I know that Untucked is my favorite part of Drag Race).

Really, the most sickening part about the Hunger Games isn't the fact that 23 children are going to die. That part is bad, yes, but even worse than that is the fact that millions of people are going to watch them die and comment on how entertaining it was. Oh, that kid had a great death. Oh look, that one burned part of her leg off. That was great television.

In Gladiator, Maximus finds himself at one of the lower ranking arenas. He kills everyone quickly, like a good soldier would.  The crowd felt it was TOO quick, however, and began to boo him. He gets angry and begins to shout at them, "Are you not entertained?" His anger is understandable. People died. What more could the crowd possibly want?

The problem is, death is never enough. We always want more. We want it to be dramatic and climatic. We want everyone to die in a glorious way and for our protagonists to just narrowly escape with their lives. To us, to the crowd, we're just watching something play out. We're just here for the ride and we want it to be as dramatic as possible.

The fact that people's lives are at stake is completely beside the point.

Start of the Weekend Blah Blah

I'm at that place in my baby blanket project where I'm attaching the pieces together. This is going to take me some time because I absolutely suck at this part and I'm trying to keep from sucking so much. I made some plans about how to prevent that, but it isn't working out as well as I had hoped it would. Still, I'm doing the best I can.  My roommate suggested that I pin everything, which helped a lot. I'm also trying to not rush the whole process, because that's honestly where I usually screw up. The problem is, it's difficult for me to try and go slow with it.

This week saw the beginnings of Spring. I'm prancing around in shorts again and the yard is full of purple headed clover. It's lovely to behold (the clover, not me in shorts), and I'm glad the bees and buggies have something to munch on. By buggies I mean everything but the fleas and the ants. I want those little bastards to starve.

Two weeks before Game of Thrones starts its third season. I'm crazy excited for this because I'm really interested to see how they swing what will be the climax of the season. It's going to shocking to anyone who hasn't read the book, far more, perhaps, than Ned's death.

There are also appointments in my future. I'm seeing the doctor on April 1, and need to schedule some kind of eye appointment as soon as possible. Admittedly, I'd love to put off the eye exam because they always freak me out. My headache levels tell me differently though.

All of this happens later though. For now, I have my weekend. I'll be catching up on some movies, hanging out with my roommate, talking to friends, and finishing (hopefully) the baby blanket. And I do want it to be finished soon. I'm very excited to see the final product . . . assuming it doesn't suck.

The Hulk Theory

So, the Incredible Hulk . . . we all know the story. Dr. Banner does an experiment and ends up turning himself into the Hulk.  Every time he gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. He breaks a bunch of stuff, maybe kills some people, and suddenly the authorities are hunting him. Past that point, his life becomes about the goal of finding a way to cure himself.  He has some adventures, he meets some people, but at the end of the day, he always has to go back to trying to find this cure.

In the meantime, a lot of stuff happens to him. He learns to more or less control the Hulk side of him. He becomes a superhero. He saves a lot of people's lives and in most continuums, makes some friends. And yet, in the midst of all of that, he still looks for a cure.

What happens if he finds one though?

Okay, yes, he never has to worry about turning into the Hulk again. At the same time, he is also no longer able to jump for miles and punch aliens in the head. He loses his ability to be a superhero. More over, because he's been out of the job market for many years, he's going to have trouble finding a decent job as a scientist. Sure, he could go work for some of his rich scientist friends, but it would just never really be the same.

Am I over analyzing a narrative here? Yes, I am.

At the same time, I think a lot of us waste a great deal of our lives trying to fix things instead of just adapting to them. I know I've written a lot about the power of changing your situation, but there are times when you honestly just can't, or if you can, it's going to take a lot of effort and waste a lot of energy, quite often resulting in something that wasn't worth the cost.

There is a lot of practicality in learning to work with what you have, in learning to adapt and function within the current circumstances. I'm not saying to give up on your goals. I'm only suggesting that you examine what goals you have. Ask yourself if the reaching the goal will really improve your life enough to justify the price you will pay for it.

It may also help to make you happy in the moment. When things are stressful, it's very easy to wish for a better future. "If only ___ would happen." "Why do I have to deal with _____?" People can fixate on all the things that are wrong, sometimes to the extent that even when the most tiny, minor thing happens, they will allow this to escalate into some overwhelming emotional funk. Instead of actively CHOOSING to not allow the situation to get them down, they opt for wishing for changes that are beyond their control. Kind of like if you turned into the Hulk and started allowing yourself to get upset every time you even saw the color green.

Acceptance of your circumstances can be very difficult. Sometimes accepting your reality can feel like a massive defeat. However, that sense of defeat is an opinion, it's not a fact. "I have no job and I am out of money" are facts. "This makes me a loser," is just an opinion. You can alter how you choose to view the facts of your life, quite often alter them enough to find ways to use them to your advantage.

Life has ways of messing with us. Life can lead us down these roads where our little experiments do end up turning us into be angry green ragemachines. However, even though this is what happened to us, it doesn't dictate what happens next. We can choose to spend years looking for a want to alter our circumstances, we can live in fear of getting angry, we can destroy everything around us, or sometimes, if we set our minds to it, we can be the one who saves the world from aliens.

That part, of course, is up to us.

Cuddles and Idiots

It's one of those nights where it's not cold enough to leave any heaters on, but it's still chilly enough for the cats to want to cuddle. I love nights like this. I have a kitty nestled against my feet and one just staring at me because she wants me to go to bed. Once I'm in bed, she will sleep on my arm. There will be blankets between  us, of course, because she hates the feel of human flesh. That should offend me but it really doesn't because I probably hate the feel of human flesh too.

I hear the taste of it is nice though.

As much as I would love to be in a totally positive mood tonight, I can't, due to the overwhelming dumbassery of certain people. Namely, the man in this video, as presented by Gawker. He is speaking at the Minnesota debate about marriage equality and has some very deeply stupid things to say about it.

His idea of his argument is that gay marriage shouldn't happen because of AIDS. He believes that vaginae have a special magical barrier that keeps women from ever getting AIDS and anuses do not have this barrier. Therefore, in his world where people ONLY have sex after they marry and the only kind of gay people are the men kind who have anal sex and they are the ONLY people who have anal sex then . . . yeah, okay, absolutely none of this makes sense.

Mr. Idiot, let's break this down into simple sentences.

1. Women can be gay too, therefore any argument that you give about gay marriage that has to do with men having anal sex is kind of pointless as it only addresses one gender.

2. People have sex before marriage, therefore any argument that you have about what happens during sex has nothing to do with marriage being legal or illegal.

3. Vaginae do not have special barriers that prevent HIV.

4. Your argument of 'gay marriage should be illegal because of anal sex' is stupid because straight people do it that way too.

5. Like so many other ignorant people who have spoken recently about sex, you are, if nothing else, proof of why we need extensive and strong sex education in schools.

You know, on reality shows, they have people who screen potential contestants before they ever go in front of the judges. If you are too boring or just way to psychotic, they ever even let you see Simon. I really wish we had the same kind of process before we let people speak at congressional debates. Can we please just hire some folks who listen to what these 'speakers' have to say and screen out the ones who are just so damned crazy/ignorant/stupid that all they will achieve is a video on Youtube where everyone makes fun of them?

I bet it would save us a lot of time.

Yarn and Kinship and Stuff

My roommate has always been a very talented crocheter, but developed a sensitivity to the yarn and can't do it that often. However, recently he started working with a type of hook he didn't know that well and has started to do some crocheting again. I'm quite pleased about this. It means we get to work on our projects together and for some reason, that is a very bonding kind of experience for me. To me, it's one of the things that defines our household as a home.

There is something very wonderful for me about having someone else work on a fiber arts project while I do. It's very contenting to watch someone else create with yarn while I'm doing the same. I like looking at their progress. I like listening to them tell me about their experience. It just makes me seriously happy.

To a lesser extent, I feel the same kind of happy when I watch YouTube videos on how to knit stuff. On one hand, yes, I'm learning things. But on the other, I feel this connection to the instructors, because I know that to some extent, they feel the same way about knitcraft as I do. I love the kinship of yarn. I love that the internet has brought knitters even closer together, given us communities, Pinterest boards, and even theme songs.

As much as I love that cyberspace yarn family though, I am so happy and excited that I'm getting to experience my roommate doing projects again. It's an elation I've missed. I can't wait to see what he creates.

Daylight Saving's Time, My Old Friend

I seriously dislike Daylight Saving's Time, but in the interest of trying not to be such a dour old bitty, I'm going to write a positive post about it and really try not be be sarcastic. This isn't going to be easy, because I'm tired and grumpy because I had to wake up an hour earlier, but here goes.

This winter has been very dreary. We've had so many dark days, so many gray days. While we had only small amounts of snow, we've had long extended periods of wet, cold, and damp. All of this dreariness has just intensified the sense of loss, hurt, and fear that has clung to me all winter.

I think I need the sunlight for a while. I need to have evenings with light and warmth. I need to have mornings where I wake to the sound of birds chirping and a sky full of blue and brightness. I need to see flowers poking their little heads up towards the sky. I need the buzz of bees and the elegance of butterflies. I need to feel the excitement of renewal, the joy of Spring, and the lengthening of days.

 Spring is a beautiful time of year. It's an important time of year. Of course we would do everything we could to spend as much time with it as we could. Of course we would want kids to have more hours to play outside. Yes, we want people to have endless sunlight so they can work in their years and grill out and enjoy nature.

I want to enjoy it as well. I want to sit on my porch and pet the outdoor cats and knit. I want to talk to my roommate about the flowers that are blooming and enjoy listening to the birds and watching them dance in the Springtime puddles.

OH WOW this sounds sarcastic and cheesy, but I really do mean it. This non-dour thing is harder than I thought.

The Adventure of Ruffian

Yesterday we had to have the plumbers come by and fix some stuff. They were like four hours late, but they weren't that expensive, so I was cool with it.  Even though having workers in the house is usually the major drama happening, in this case, it wasn't.

While the plumbers were at the hardware store, my roommate went into his bedroom and suddenly I hear, "Now how did YOU get into the house?" He asked me to come into his room and when I did, I found Mr. Ruffian Cat lounging in the middle of his bed.

Ever since having The Chop, Mr. Ruffian has packed on quite a lot of weight. It's actually a little bit difficult to pick him up these days. Needless to say, he took up quite a lot of the bed. We were both bemused and charmed by this. I picked him up and carried him into the living room.  Ruffian likes to be nuzzled, cuddled, and kissed, which is a nice change from the usual indoor cats.

Eventually, after some drama, he was taken back outside. I hate that. I don't like keeping cats outdoors, because I feel like I can't protect them enough. However, Ruffian has been around longer than we've been in this house, and it's unlikely he'll ever be comfortable inside for long periods at a time. We would probably always have a battle to keep him from shooting out the door whenever we'd open it.

I like to imagine that he bragged to the other cats about his adventure into the foreign land. He talked about climbing the great Mountain of Blankets and being held by the snuggle monster. He told a long tale of his harrowing attempt to evade capture and his eventual return to the 'civilized' world of Outside. He probably expects this story to get him a rather high standing with the other cats, but it probably won't work.

After all, they've heard me talking to him in babytalk.

700 Posts

The break I took from knitting helped me a lot. When I started back tonight, I did so with a positive spirit about the project. Whatever mental fuzzies I had going on have decided to leave. Quite happy about that. Anything can start to feel like a burden if you're burned out, even things you love. Taking a small break from it, just allowing yourself to have the time to NOT have to worry about it, can make all the difference in the world. It's why I skip days sometimes on the blog.

However, despite the skippage of days, Blogger lists this as my 700th blog post. I know I said this at 500 and 200 and probably even at post 5, but I am shocked and pleased it's been going on for so long.

The blog has seen me through pain and suffering and fear and moments of being broken. The blog has seen me muse about projects and movies and anime and music. This blog has been with me as worlds died and babies were born. This blog was here as I won the first writing contest I've entered in over 20 years.  The blog has been part of my process of restructuring my life, reorganizing my world, and reclaiming my health.

We've been through a lot together.

Where do we go from here?

The blog is rather free form and I like it that way. It you come here to read it, I'm assuming you like it that way too. With that in mind, I'm not going to list projects that I'm considering for the blog. I think I'm just going to do them without giving them titles or anything. I will say that I would like to have more focus in a positive and proactive direction. I'm not saying I won't rant and complain on the blog, but I do want to try and concentrate on the more positive aspects of my life and thoughts. The negs are getting me no where.

I'd also like to do more documentation of my life. I've been talking about this knitting project, but haven't gotten around to taking any pics of it. I should really do that. It's good to keep a physical record of my accomplishments. Past that, it will continue to be more of the random stuff that pops into my head and wants to be written about. Trust me, there is always lots of that stuff floating around in my head.

Then again, I'm guessing you already knew that.

Disrespect vs Disregard

I am Facebook friends with a lot of people I went to high school with, many of whom are very devote towards one religion or another. Most of the time, I'm cool with them. The ones who go crazy over whatever topic (be it religion or politics or whatever) get hidden so I don't have to see the crazy. I'm not saying all religion or politics or whatever is crazy . . . but if you post about it all the time, you may be headed in that direction.

For the most part though, it's live and let live for me. In fact, quite often when people post positive things about their faith, I find it lovely, even if I don't share their faith. I also find it interesting to see religion from the perspective of the person involved in it as opposed to how society presents it.

A few night ago, a man I'm FB friends with was talking about how a show had offended him because someone on it said, "Goddamn." He complained about how people should be more respectful to his faith and not say things like that. Soon it was one big moanfest about how no one respects them. I didn't post into the discussion (because I try not to argue with people on Facebook), but I knew I disagreed with them. I didn't disagree with their right to be offended, because they could be offended if they wished. I did, however, disagree about disrespect.

Do I respect your right to practice a religion. I sure do. As long as your religion is not harming people, I'm cool with it. I will not try to make you stop practicing your  religion, nor will I get in your face and tell you that your religion is stupid.

That is as far as I will go. As far as I am concerned, that is far as I have to go. If I do not personally believe in your religion or do anything that your religion dictates . . . that is not disrespectful to it, and certainly not to you. That is ME expressing my personal choices.

Here's an example. In many religion, people are forbidden from eating pork. If you happen to be someone who isn't allowed to eat pork, then I would never try to make you eat some. I would never trick you into eating some. I would never try to pass a law that required you to eat any. I would never walk up to you and talk about how stupid you are for not eating pork.

At the same time, I won't stop eating it. I'm not going to support any law that would make it illegal, just because you don't like it. If I had a restaurant, I would serve pork. If I owned a grocery store, I would sell it. I wouldn't be doing any of these things to offend you or your religion, I would do them because they are what I want to do and you and your religion don't factor into my decisions.

This is not me disrespecting you. This is me disregarding you. It's not that I am spiteful about what you believe . . . it's just that I don't care. Your beliefs are very special to you and that is awesome for you. They're not special to me, nor are you any more special in my eyes for having them. You're not going to get special consideration from my actions just because you happen to believe some stuff.

This isn't JUST a religious thing for me either. No matter what someone's personal choices are, for whatever reasons, the same policy applies. As I have mentioned before, my father is a vegetarian and has been for many years. I would never serve him a dish with meat. When we have holiday celebrations, we make sure he food that is not only meatfree, but also tasty and holiday special-feeling. I would never tell him to stop doing this, because I know it's what he wants to do.

As he's eating his special vegan stuffing and savory holiday carrots, be sure I'll be eating turkey and ham. Yes, in front of him. Yes, while I talk to him. I won't try to make him eat meat, but I'm certainly not going to let his personal decisions affect my personal decisions. If this offends him (which it never has), that's his problem. Not mine.

The thing about personal beliefs and personal choices is that they are exactly that . . . personal. They are things you make for you. If you choose to live by restrictions, do so. If you choose not to cuss, don't. If you want to wear something that covers your hair, more power to you.

But do not insist that the same has to go for others. Everyone else is making their own personal decisions as well, and as long as those decisions aren't harming you (real harming, not made up harming), then it's none of your business. And if their decisions and actions don't follow your personal code, that is more than likely not meant as them disrespecting you. It usually means they just really don't care what you think, and as much as you may not want to, you have to accept that.

Stepping Away

I felt really disconnected today. Things were fine during therapy, but afterwards, I just felt really disenchanted with life in general. The portion of the knit project I was working on just wasn't working for me. I ended up having to redo about seven inches of it due to a mistake I made. It was disheartening, but honestly, as bad as I felt today, I probably shouldn't have been working on something that required this much of my concentration anyway. I just didn't have the resources.

Today was one of those days when I really only had the spoons to be an old cat lady. Sitting here, with a cat against my leg . . . yeah, that's about as much as I really had the resources to manage. I wasn't good with conversations. I wasn't handling my knitting. I was only somewhat even paying attention to tv shows. I just wasn't with it today.

Why? Honestly, I'm not sure. I think maybe the pain and loss of winter has just finally exhausted my reserves. I need some still days, some quiet days. I need some time when nothing happens, even the predictable annoyances don't happen. I need some peace. The question is, how to go about it.

Seriously, what do you do when life is making your brain into one jagged little nerve?

Whenever you have those times when you feel very strung out, stressed out, or just disconnected from what's going on, I think it's important to recognize the situation and do what you can to alter it. Life is pretty complex for most people, so there may not be a lot you can do to make things different. However, even if you just change one or two little things, it will feel huge. Even if all you can do is pick something and just NOT do it for a while. Even taking a break from one minor thing can make everything feel better.

You have to keep in mind though that any kind of change you make during a time like this needs to be a change that YOU make. You can't wait for someone else to change something. You can't expect someone else to act in the way you think they should or stop doing something just because you know it would make life easier on everyone. In fact, if you start thinking about how OTHER people should change to make the situation better, you're honestly just making the situation worse for you because you're exhausting your emotional energy on something futile.

With that in mind, I know there are a lot of things that I can't change about tomorrow. I've already made plans to see my sister-in-law so I can give her a birthday gift. I need to take out the trash, do some physical activity, and deal with some chores.  And, of course, there is the knitting.

So . . . .while I do plan to go see my SIL tomorrow , I don't plan to stay very long. I have no problem with most of the rest of the list. Exercise will probably calm me down, and I feel much the same way my roommate does about taking out the trash. Honestly, anytime we can remove stuff from the house, it's cause to celebrate.

I don't think I'll knit tomorrow. I know this needs to get finished, but I think I need a day away from it. I need a bit of distance from the project, just some time to calibrate my mind. I'm not going to feel bad about that either. The only timeline here is one I placed on myself. I can alter that as need be. I can just take this day and be free of the stress of it.

It's actually making me feel better already.

Documenting the Change

Because I blog almost every day and probably because my memory and sense of reality are usually wonky, I tend to forget that I've only been blogging for about two years now.  I was thinking it had to at least be three, but that's only my emotional perception. The blog has changed so much about my life. It has helped to add order and structure to my days. It's also giving me a nice documentation of how I'm doing.

Two years ago, I posted about words I find to be funny. It's a cute post, but it's very clearly an 'early blog' post. It's the kind of thing you would say during a second or third date with someone. It wouldn't be something you said off the cuff either. It would be this kind of semi-rehearsed bit of conversation designed to make you look quirky, smart, and just a little strange. "Hey, so . . . I'm really weird. I'm funny too though. If you run right now, my feelings won't be hurt."

At first I didn't think this post said much about me, but I have to keep in mind that during these early months of blogging, I was still getting my feet wet. Every blog post I did was kind of scary. I felt so vulnerable when I would hit 'publish.' I almost always felt very happy too, because hitting that button meant one more day that I didn't stop blogging.

Last year, I wrote about how stem cells in a woman's body altered her DNA to accept a new kidney. I was really excited about this. To me, the idea of the body altering itself, changing its very foundation, in order to stay alive is amazing. This kind of mutation and alteration in order to continue displays the truth depth of our evolutionary prowess. 

This post was written during a time when my ideas about health, healing, and the body were beginning to do a dramatic shift. It was about this time that I began to focus on and truly believe in the idea of healing via strength. It's an idea that I've carried with me since then. It's the idea behind my plan for weight loss.

When I did the second post, I was less self-conscious about the ME aspect of the blog. Well over a year into this, I knew my voice and how to express it. I knew how to let the inspiration for the post be the center of my attention. This kind of divorce from my ego has allowed me to become a better writer. In a lot of ways, it's helped me to become a stronger person.

Weekend Over

I knitted to 20 inches today, meaning only ten left on this phase of the project. Then the hard part starts, though, honestly, even that won't be TOO hard. I've been experimenting with some crochet techniques that I've never used before. They won't come into play on this blanket, but they may happen on a scarf I plan to do after this. I plan on using up all of the yarn I currently have for various things. No more keeping orphaned yarn in the house. It get used and sent out to others . . . kind of like orphans in Victorian novels!

I've been in kind of a dark place emotionally, just dour and pessimistic and caustic about life. Yes, I know I'm often that way, but it's been a bit more intense than usual. Though even in the midst of it, there are still a lot of things I'm thankful for. I'm even thankful for being pessimistic and dark. It keeps me out of a lot of trouble.

Laundry happened today. I threw in some of the more wintery pieces and plan to go a head and put them back  into storage once they're folded. We may still have some cold days, but nothing I can't handle. I'm tired of the jackets and long sleeved shirts. I'm even starting to get tired of my knitted stuff, though I know I'll miss it by Fall.

The goal for tomorrow is to not be so harsh in my thinking. I need a day of gentle, happy, relaxing thoughts. I need some good mental space and a bit of renewal. Yes, I think more than anything else, I need renewal.

A Quiet Saturday

I started part three of my knitting project and made fairly good progress on it. It was the ideal amount of inches that I wanted, but it was a couple over what I should have realistically expected. Given that and the fact that I made some decisions about attachments and boarders, I feel like I am in a good place yarnwise.

Even though it's March, it's still rather cold so we're not putting away the winter blankets for a while. I'm hoping that by midMarch this coldness will be over and we can begin our spring cleaning.The house seriously needs it.

The kitty who sleeps with me has developed a cute habit of coming to sit on my feet and sleep while I sit at the computer. I love this so much. I hope she keeps it up, though I have my doubts. She tends to go insane during the summers and act like she doesn't know who we are.

I still miss Alice. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her.  Every time I look over at the couch, I think about my roommate playfully laying his head by her. She brought so much joy to our lives. The thing about grief is that it isn't constant. It doesn't break you into pieces. You keep on with your life. It's just, especially in this case, someone who was important to you is now gone. Whenever you think about that, it hurts all over again.

I'm hoping to get at least as much knitting done tomorrow as I did today. That will possibly have me finished with this part by Tusday, meaning I can work on attaching and boarders and all that jazz for the rest of the week. Once that is finished, my cousin will have a new baby blanket to wrap around her new baby. It's such a lovely thought.

Stepfather Transference and Imaginary Group Assassination

About twelve years ago, I was involved in an anime fan community.  This was back during the days when places like Homestead offered fairly good website building stuff for free. People would build sites dedicated to characters from various anime series and most often, the sites would be fan parodies of the characters. There was always a lot of creativity to this. People would do artwork based on how they saw the characters. They would write poems, fanfiction, and all kinds of slash. Needless to say, it was the kind of thing I was completely drawn to.

Usually people who hosted these sites would link up to some kind of message board. And while these message boards started out as just general discussion about the site or the anime, it eventually became a place for roleplay. People who liked the fansites would create their own characters who worked within  the context of the universe the web designer had built. Whole communities rose out of this. You'd find 20 or 30 people all working together to create cyber towns, worlds, and dramas.

The message board I was connected to was created by a girl with a subversive sense of humor and great drawing skills. She would roleplay both as herself and as the anime character for whom she's created the site. If it seems strange that she would roleplay her own self, keep in mind that there are always differences. In the world created by our collective imagination, she became the keeper of her anime character, his jailer, if you will. Pretty much the only person his evil self feared.

For a couple of years, it was a lot of fun. Our imaginary town grew into a kingdom. There were wars and invaders. We had enemies (usually asshats who'd been banned from the message board for being asshats). When I think about this imaginary land, I can tell you about it street by street. In my head, I can see the hill above the city where the Devil lived. I know where the smurf refugees stayed. I can even remember which island you had to avoid because its where we banished all the zombies (and later where we banished all the necrophiliacs who wanted to 'liberate' the zombies). I know where all of my characters lived. And I can even tell you where they were when things started to fall apart.

In the real life of the creator of the website, she met a guy. He was several  years older than her, into Star Wars, and cosplay. She loved the fact that he was into that stuff, because she was as well. She saw them as equals. He fancied himself far more creative than she was, although to this day I call bullshit on that.

The rest of us, every single one of us, hated him.

Well, we didn't at first.  At first, he really didn't interfere with anything at all. He was just this guy she was dating. She'd mention him every once in a while and we were all happy for her. The rest of us had lives outside of the message board too (well, most of us) and it was great that she'd met someone.

But then one day, she let him join our group. Suddenly he wanted to be a part of everything. He had some lame characters (one of them was a ninja, the other one was based off of a movie icon he liked) who really didn't mesh with the rest of us. At first, we tried to find ways for everyone to mesh, but he just didn't seem to understand the hodgepodge of what we were. In this imaginary world, pretty much anyone could wander into town. It was an accepted rule of the game and this asshole would try to argue with us about context.

He also wanted to be part of all the major plot lines. If someone was causing problems or if slavers were trying to capture all the catgirls (again), he would feel he had the right to private message everyone about how his characters should be the ones to solve the problems.  He would complain about the high levels of perversion. He would get jealous when other people would flirt with his girlfriend's characters.

In private party chats, where six or seven of us would gather away from the main group, we began to deal with our hatred of this man by pretending to assassinate his characters. One of us would pretend to be one or the other of his characters (usually the ninja. We really hated that damned ninja.) and we'd give this character exaggerated (though only slightly, because damn he was annoying) characteristics of how he usually acted. He would say things that would piss us off. And then, our usually peaceful little gathering of Pokemon, catgirls, fairies, and vampires would roleplay out ripping this bastard to shreds.

The pretends deaths would never be simple. Every time we killed him, we'd find new and inventive ways to do it. Usually his body parts would get tossed to the necrophiliacs when we were finished. Well, one time we baked him into a cake and pretended that his other character ate it. Then we killed that one because we worried he'd become doubly annoying.

I have rarely laughed as much as I did when we would pretend to kill this man's characters. There was so much glee in a community uniting to rid themselves of the damned ninja who kept trying to interfere with us. I was always amazed that even the sweetest and most adorable of our group would take delight in making this happen. Seriously, we all hated him.

This many years past the point, I think I know what this made us so happy. A lot of us had stepparents that had caused us a lot of pain when we were younger. When she brought him into our happy little imaginary world, it felt the same. We knew the signs. And he did all the stuff that bad stepparents do to make the situation worse. Instead of just accepting the situation, the family, for what it was, he felt he had the right to question it, fix it, and change it for the better. He did not.

See it wasn't just the mere fact of his existence that made us so angry. Had he just roleplayed in as some character who said hi from time to time and kissed the character of the webmistress, none of us would have cared. Over time, he probably would have been accepted and even welcomed. Instead, he tried to take over and make it all about him. When that didn't work, he made sure it all fell to pieces.

The lesson here? Ohh, there are a lot. But let's start with some advice for stepparents. When you become part of someone else's family, lay low for a while. Let them be themselves. Let them get used to you. Don't question everything that goes on, because you're going to come off as judgmental. Don't assume that just because this person you love has welcomed you that everyone else has as well, or even that they have to.

Most of all, never ever think that the best way for you to fit in is to start picking things apart and changing them to suit you. You're the person coming into an already established situation. You need to learn to flow with it, not the other way around. If that just isn't in your personality, then perhaps it's best that you stay away from this.

I think it's also important to think long and hard before you ask someone to give up something for you. If you read the blog, then you know that I believe this is almost always wrong to do anyway. However, it seems to be pretty common in relationships, so clearly I'm in the minority here. So, if you are asking someone to give up something for you, if you really love this person, then you need to give this a lot of thought. Sure, you think you know what you'll gain if they give it up, but what are they losing? How happy did this make them? How much of what attracted you to them is tied to this thing? What are you really asking them to sacrifice?

You see, our frustrations and fears about this guy had merit. Only a few months after the asshole boyfriend joined the group, the webmistress announced that she needed to concentrate on other things and would be shutting down the website. I really don't think anyone ever told her about our secret pretend killings, but I'm fairly sure both she and her boyfriend got the hint that we hated him. In a private chat during the last days, she told me that he didn't feel comfortable with the message board and it was becoming a source of a lot of fighting for them. She opted for him instead of staying with her creation. I'm sure many people would see that as the practical thing to do. I, of course, do not.

The rest of us tried to keep in contact. For a while we did, but without our collective imaginary land to hold us together, we eventually parted ways. I'm still in contact with some of them and we really don't talk about the old board. I think the way it ended still leaves a bitter taste in our mouths.

In my mind, I sometimes allow myself to walk down those imaginary streets. The world is mostly empty now, a ghost world of a once thriving culture. In the far distance, you can hear the groan of a zombie. Maybe some stray music from bands who were so bad that the fact that no one is in the audience is no different for them than it ever was.

A lost world. A fragmented culture. All destroyed because someone allowed themselves to be manipulated by someone who felt threatened that worlds could exist without him.