I felt really disconnected today. Things were fine during therapy, but afterwards, I just felt really disenchanted with life in general. The portion of the knit project I was working on just wasn't working for me. I ended up having to redo about seven inches of it due to a mistake I made. It was disheartening, but honestly, as bad as I felt today, I probably shouldn't have been working on something that required this much of my concentration anyway. I just didn't have the resources.
Today was one of those days when I really only had the spoons to be an old cat lady. Sitting here, with a cat against my leg . . . yeah, that's about as much as I really had the resources to manage. I wasn't good with conversations. I wasn't handling my knitting. I was only somewhat even paying attention to tv shows. I just wasn't with it today.
Why? Honestly, I'm not sure. I think maybe the pain and loss of winter has just finally exhausted my reserves. I need some still days, some quiet days. I need some time when nothing happens, even the predictable annoyances don't happen. I need some peace. The question is, how to go about it.
Seriously, what do you do when life is making your brain into one jagged little nerve?
Whenever you have those times when you feel very strung out, stressed out, or just disconnected from what's going on, I think it's important to recognize the situation and do what you can to alter it. Life is pretty complex for most people, so there may not be a lot you can do to make things different. However, even if you just change one or two little things, it will feel huge. Even if all you can do is pick something and just NOT do it for a while. Even taking a break from one minor thing can make everything feel better.
You have to keep in mind though that any kind of change you make during a time like this needs to be a change that YOU make. You can't wait for someone else to change something. You can't expect someone else to act in the way you think they should or stop doing something just because you know it would make life easier on everyone. In fact, if you start thinking about how OTHER people should change to make the situation better, you're honestly just making the situation worse for you because you're exhausting your emotional energy on something futile.
With that in mind, I know there are a lot of things that I can't change about tomorrow. I've already made plans to see my sister-in-law so I can give her a birthday gift. I need to take out the trash, do some physical activity, and deal with some chores. And, of course, there is the knitting.
So . . . .while I do plan to go see my SIL tomorrow , I don't plan to stay very long. I have no problem with most of the rest of the list. Exercise will probably calm me down, and I feel much the same way my roommate does about taking out the trash. Honestly, anytime we can remove stuff from the house, it's cause to celebrate.
I don't think I'll knit tomorrow. I know this needs to get finished, but I think I need a day away from it. I need a bit of distance from the project, just some time to calibrate my mind. I'm not going to feel bad about that either. The only timeline here is one I placed on myself. I can alter that as need be. I can just take this day and be free of the stress of it.
It's actually making me feel better already.
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