Susan A. Patton, mother of two grown sons, has been writing open letters on their behalf all of their lives. Somehow, this hasn't sent either of them into a psych ward yet. I'm a little bit shocked over that. In her most recent letter, she addressed the women who are going to colleges at Princeton with her younger son. Patton herself went to Princeton back in the day, so I guess she feels she has some stuff to say about it. Gawker's article about it can be found here.
If you don't want to follow the link, the basic idea is that this woman wrote a letter to all the young women at Princeton and lectured them on why they should be trying to date her son. She reminded them that it was difficult for women to find men to marry, especially if said women were smart. She also reminded them that the older women got, the less options they had for finding men to marry, as men always choose women who are younger than they are.
As this woman enjoys writing open letters to people, I thought she might enjoy me writing a letter to her. Everyone likes that, right right?
Dear Susan A. Patton,
Fuck off.
First of all, this may be news to you, but a lot of people . . . even the female people . . . don't go to college to find a spouse. Many people go to college to further their educations, receive the degrees everyone thinks we need in order to get jobs, and to get the hell away from their own overbearing parents. By overbearing parent, I mean people like you. Anyone who already has a set of their own isn't going to want to be saddled with more of them. You may have not noticed, but more and more people are getting married later in life . . . or just not getting married at all. For many people, it's not a priority. So this business where you try to scare girls into thinking their options are limited is probably falling on deaf ears.
Second of all, in the long list of things that make people unsexy, 'my mom wrote a letter telling people to date me' ranks pretty high up there on the unsexy scale. If you wanted you son to be ostracized and laughed at from now until the day people forget about this, good job. Otherwise, you failed.
Third, and this is maybe the point that many people like you seem to miss the most often, your child is not going to get what is owed to him just because YOU said something about it. If this has worked in the past, I am very annoyed with everyone who let you get away with it, because they shouldn't have. Your kid shouldn't get stuff handed to them just because you decided to whine about it. He shouldn't get a job because you call someone. He shouldn't get a great apartment just because you spoke to the man who owns the building. And he most certainly shouldn't get a girlfriend because you decided to take it upon yourself to write a letter trying to shame girls into dating him.
You may not realize it, but you are doing your son the greatest of disservices when you do stuff like this. You see, what you are communicating to everyone else is that your kid isn't capable of getting things on his own. He can't get a girlfriend unless YOU find a way for him to get one. He can't just be charming or funny or attractive enough on his own. YOU have to hold his hand and point out his merits to others. At the end of the day, you have no faith in him.
I know this is a harsh truth that people probably don't want to tell you, but I'm going to tell you anyway. Most of the girls who read your open letter think you're a crackpot. They think you're insane. They think you're out of touch. They would never date your son, and even if he was a great guy, they probably won't date him now because they never want to be around you ever ever.
You state in your letter that the cornerstone of most women's 'future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry.' You wrote this. In 2013, you wrote this. This is sexist, heteronormative bullshit, and I hope you realize it's bullshit. If it's not, if this is something that you truly believe, I feel very sorry for you. I hope you can find some hobbies or something.
Happiness is something that people work at (or don't work at) every day. It's not an endgame, dependent on making all the right decisions. Happiness is fuel, a state of of mind, that you can have no matter what decisions you make or what type of circumstances you face. In my life, I have found happiness in the most sad of times. I have found happiness in my failures. And I have found all of this happiness without being married to any man.
You're going to face a lot of backlash from your stupid letter, and sadly your son is going to face it as well. Like I said above, if your goal is to make him single for the rest of his life, you're doing a great job. If that isn't your goal . . . you know what? I don't care what your goals for him are. He's an adult. His goals are what are important. I hope he achieves them and I hope he does it without you interfering so that he can feel like HE accomplished something.
So in conclusion, shut up. And fuck off.
Sincerely,
Blackhaired Barbie
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