Not Attractive

Recently, I've come across quite a few articles and comments about the issues surrounding physical attractiveness. It's not like this is a new topic. People discuss this all the time. Ways to become more attractive. How unfair it is that some people are more attractive than others. How attractive people are treated better by society than non-attractive people.

A lot of people get very hung up about the injustice of not being attractive. It's easy to do. When you're not an attractive person, it seems like the beautiful people have everything going for them. It seems like their lives are so easy. Their lives aren't easy, by the way, because 'easy' is relative. Every card you are dealt has consequences, even the pretty cards.

I will admit, I used to burn at the injustice of not being one of the beautiful people. I was the fat girl who 'had a pretty face.' Meaning that, you know, I had a pretty face . . . but that was all. It certainly wasn't enough. Like many young people, this felt so unfair to me. Why couldn't I just be loved for how I looked right at that moment?

What I failed to see was that I WAS loved, looks or not. Now, these were not romantic relationships (most of them); they were friends. These were people who valued me because of what was on the inside. This is pretty amazing, considering my insides tended to be full of acid and venom. I have some of the best friends in the world.

Did I ever develop a long standing romantic relationship? No. And I probably never will. Even once I get down to a healthy weight, I don't think that sort of thing will ever be a priority for me. I'm not sure it ever was.

Because the truth about wanting to have a romantic partner is that, if it IS a priority for you, you do the things needed to BE attractive. You lose the weight. You present yourself as healthy. You get therapy to help you get past your hang ups. You take lessons on how to be a more social person. You keep yourself clean. You get a decent haircut. You learn how to have a conversation. You learn to listen.

If you're not willing to take those steps . . . maybe you should question whether or not you really WANT to be in a romantic relationship. Because, yeah, it takes a lot of work. Once you have one, it takes even more work. If you can't be bothered, then just let go of the concept and move on with your life.

I dislike the phrase "there's someone out there for everyone." I know that quite often, people say this as a kind of comfort to the sad, single people. I also know it gives said people some hope, but I think it's a false hope. I don't think that everyone is born with a soulmate. I don't think everyone is born with this intangible connection to some other person. For one thing, that just isn't realistic.

For another, there are people who seem to use this concept as some kind of entitlement, and as some kind of excuse for blaming their problems on other people. "Oh, I have someone out there, but I've decided it's him and he is ignoring me." "I know that she is the someone I should be with, but she's selfishly wanting to let her career come first." No. There is no special someone out there for you. At best, you will meet someone who wants to be married at about the same time you want to be married and neither of you find the other TOO annoying.

In the meantime, if you're not attractive, don't let it tear you up inside. There are going to be other assholes who try to do that and you're about the best defender you have. If you're not attractive and you dislike that fact,  see if there are ways to change it (I've been told being clean goes a long way). If you don't really dislike that fact, stop forcing yourself to feel guilty about it. There are worst things in  the world.