The Good Child

Once I was a teenager, I lived with my grandparents. My mom had kicked me out due to my noncompliance of buying into her at-the-moment husband's bullshit. My grandparents were beside themselves with stress, anger, and grief due to my mother's destructive behavior. They really didn't know what to do about any of her madness. They took me in and I was suddenly safer . . . in one way. In another way, I was entering a different kind of hell.

The hell I refer to is the hell of the Good Child. The Good Child is usually the sibling of the Bad Child, though in my case, I was the actual child of the Bad Child. Then again, my mother and I were only 19 years apart, so I very well could have been her sibling.  At any rate, the dynamic was the same. While I lived as a dependent with my grandparents, I would carry the emotional load of my mother's sins.

The Good Child should never be mistaken for the Favorite Child. In fact, if anything, the Bad Child is shown more favor. The Good Child usually has to spend many hours listening to the parents talk about the Bad Child. They watch as money and time are sacrificed for the Bad Child. And in the end, when everyone realizes the Bad Child probably won't be fixed, the parents are so emotionally damaged, they can't help but damage anyone else in the situation.

The Good Child has many rules they must follow.

• They must do well in school. Anything below As is an insult to the pain already suffered by the parents.
• They must be polite to the parents because the parents are already stressed out about the Bad Child. 
• They must be agreeable to the suggestions of the parents. The parents are wise and their advice has been spurned by the Bad Child. This cannot happen again.
• They must do all they can to minimize their own problems, emotions, and issues. The parents have already been taxed enough by the Bad Child.
• They must make as little noise as possible. 
• They must do nothing, absolutely nothing, to embarrass the parents. The parents have been embarrassed enough.
  

These rules are outright stated (most of the time), but you very quickly begin to understand them. One time I freaked out while we were in the cellar. It was possible there would be a tornado and I'd spent basically the month before getting all my prom stuff together. It was very upsetting. I was looked at like I was a crazy dramamonster and told in very strict terms to calm down. By both of them. They took turns bitching at me for showing emotions when they didn't think it was proper to show them, even if my reasons were justified. Even if I did my best to not show emotions.

Besides all of these rules, there is the one horrible Truth that lurks in the depths of being the Good Child. The Good Child will never be good enough. The Good Child cannot be good enough.

The Good Child will ALWAYS fail.

It's not like you will fail more than any other kid would. It's just that you're human and people make mistakes. People are selfish and unthinking. And Good Children are, of course, children. People under 18 who are just trying to find their way, usually people who have also been damaged by the Bad Child.  Absolutely any transgression will be met with no tolerance. Any transgression will be combated with emotional devastation.

So you will fail. You will be unset after a band trip and fail to speak enough to one of the parents when they pick you up . . . and the next morning you will be spoken to by both of them about how horrible this was. You will make a long distance call to a friend on a day when you were just at the end of your sanity . . . and even though you have the money to pay for the call, you will be chewed out because, wow, I'm still not even sure about that one. I had the damned money to pay.

Anyway, you get the idea. The Bad Child has already caused problems and now the Good Child must try to do everything they can to be perfect, support the parents, and apologize for the Bad Child. It's a role that is truly unfair. It really sucks. Even to this day, I have a lot of emotional issues from my years as the Good Child.

I know it's not easy to have a kid who is causing problems and basically destroying the family. I know this is hard on parents. It's probably one of the most painful things they can go through. But if this happens to you, you have to remember that your other children, or your grandchildren, did not cause these problems are are just trying to do their best to survive. Don't force them into the role of the Good Child. It won't help you and it certainly won't help them.