Last night, I tried to be somewhat self-aware and questioned if I was overreacting to this whole 'bloodmess' thing. Maybe I was seeing it as too much of a big deal. After all, when I have discussed it with doctors and other medical people, they don't seem that concerned. Could it be that just the mess and unease and unfamiliarity of this level of blood is making me fearful for no reason?
I thought about this for a while and then asked my roommate what he thought. He reminded me that this is leaving stuck in bed for hours at a time, in pain, unable to function like a normal human. It has made it impossible for me to drive to the store or go to therapy. I don't know if I'll be able to visit my best friend until this is all over. This bloodmess, that no one else seems to be willing to take seriously, is destroying the process of my life. It is costing me money (in washing, pads, tampons, etc) and it is causing me pain.
If you will notice, even how I write the blog has changed. Writing the blog used to be the last thing I did before going to bed. It was the way I wrapped up my day. Now I'm usually writing the blog in the middle of the day because I have no way of knowing what shape I'll be in whenever night comes around. I don't know if I'll still be capable of sitting by the computer or if I'll be in bed, writhing in pain. So much of my life has been reduced down to preparing for massive uterine chaos that I feel trapped by it.
So no, I'm not over reacting. I am reacting as I should be. Nothing should be allowed to cause this much havoc in my daily activities. But of course, I questioned it because when it comes to medical issues, women are basically told not to trust themselves and their instincts. Everyone else is basically told not to trust us as well. I get nervous about the idea of calling to see if my doctor has looked at my ER report because I have been trained not to make waves and not to be a nuisance or bother the nice doctors.
Fuck that. I hope I bleed all over her office on Friday.
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