The Me

Another one of the rough parts of being so depleted is that the core of your personality shuts down. For about 36 hours, I wasn't ME. I was just Default Me, as in I was on automatic pilot, with just enough awareness to move from Point A to Point B and try to function while I was there. I was alive, but not living as me. 

In a way, this lack of self is the scariest part for me. Being me has always been the biggest perk to being alive. The thought of losing ME is horrifying.

When I was 25, I had a surgery that did not go well. I ended up on morphine for the duration of the hospital stay (at a drip every 15 minutes) and Oxycodome when I came home. For about a year afterward, I was not myself. I just went through the motions of life. It was like trying to filter everything through a layer of cotton. It was hell.

To cope, I developed an alternate personality. I created someone else to be because I couldn't be myself. I didn't know HOW to be myself anymore. I didn't know how to FIND myself. I hated being no one though, so I decided to find a new person. This personality is still used to this day, although only in select situations, and is as real to me as my own.

So now, any time I find myself stuck in automatic, it frightens me. I know how long this can last and the kind of steps needed to get out of it.

Around six last night, I was curled up in fetal position the bed. I managed to take a shower, though this had been a somewhat harrowing experience. As I laid there, all clean and physically drained, it was like a wall lifted and I was suddenly ME again. There are no words for the joy and relief I felt in that moment. I was back. Thank all the gods and everything else, I was back.

Needless to say, a part of what frightens me about this whole menopause thing is the potential of losing ME again. Between the mood swings and the depletion, I've had moments when I was really scared about this. I like being me. It's really my favorite thing about life. I need to make sure I hold onto that.