Little Madnesses

I've still not had any more major bleeding issues, though the trauma from the episode continues. I'm still very tired, though my strength is returning a little. I managed to put away three laundry baskets of clothes today, even though I was completely exhausted by the time I was finished. I'm working on a commissioned crochet project and that is very nice to be doing again. It's challenging because it's a type of yarn I'm not used to and it's turning out differently than I anticipated. I started the hat part of it over today and, while it is more even than it was, it's still not to my liking. I'll keep working on it tonight and see how I feel about it in the morning.

I'm finding that I'm not comfortable in my room anymore. After spending so much time in it and being beyond miserable, completely out of control of things, and in messy, messy pain, I just really hate being in there. Whenever I go in there, I find myself trying to do other stuff. I'll watch Netflix or something. Anything to not focus on being in that bed and knowing everything that has happened there. I know this isn't a rational response, but then again, I was fairly convinced I was going to bleed to death. I would sometimes lay there, listening to my faint heartbeat, and wonder how much blood I had to lose before I would pass out and just never wake up. It was that bad.

This is one of the many little bits of madness that are now part of my life. Another one is that I constantly feel like the bleeding is going to return because I got cocky and too comfortable with the idea that my life had returned to normal. Last night, I stayed up until almost two, did what was mostly the normal routine of how my life used to be, and went to bed terrified that the blood would start again . . . as a punishment for having a good day, as a punishment for having something close to a normal day.

Maybe in a while, I'll get past this. Maybe, hopefully, I can go back to just being ME, with only the usual level of madness. Maybe all of these new worries and terrors will calm down and fade into the background. I really hope so. I really do.