Headspaces

I felt a lot of relief in actually opening up about the cancer. It's been difficult to do so. It's somewhat overwhelming to live with the idea of it, knowing that a part of you is trying its best to destroy everything else. There are a lot of 'at leasts' in my case. At least they caught it early. At least it's not advanced. At least it is contained. At least it can be removed with surgery. There is all of this and I am grateful for all of this.

There are also a lot of unknowns. The unknowns are probably the roughest part of any situation like this. Until the surgery happens, I don't know how well it will go. Even afterwards, I won't know how well things were achieved. There are the unknowns of travel and the unknowns of meeting new people. There are the unkowns of being in strange places and having to do things I've never done before. I try my best not to think about these things, other than as much as I can arrange them to try and make them happen. The unknowns could drive me insane.

As I've mentioned before, all of this makes sleeping a rough prospect sometimes. I have to force myself to think about other things, things that in no way connect back to my situation. It's the best way to try and get to sleep. Sometimes it doesn't work that well, but I try my best to make it happen. When sleep doesn't happen, I try not to think too much about it. Sleep will probably happen the next night or perhaps the night after. Eventually I get exhausted enough to where I'm too tired to worry.

In the meantime, I'm hoping that things calm down with my arm. The stitch splitting continues and it's worrying. I'm doing my best to keep things calm and healthy on the scar, but my body seems to be working against me. You'd think that as much as it hates these foreign stitches and wants to reject them, it would hate the foreign cancer and try to get rid of it. Then again, I've never thought my body was working in my best interests.

Even though I've tried to work on NOT disassociating from my body, since this cancer thing happened, I've actually been trying to revive my old skills. Disassociation is quite useful when you're basically naked on a table or someone is sticking needles into your body. It helps you to move through those moments. It helps a lot, really.

Anyway, I would assume that for a while, the blog will be about this issue. It's somewhat consuming my headspace. Maybe I can find more of a way around that, but right now, I'm not sure how to do that. One way or the other, hopefully it will all be over by June 20th.