One Week Until

A week from today, as I am writing this blog (assuming I am in any shape to write), I will have many answers that I do not have now. I will know if the cancer has spread outside of my uterus. I will know if I can walk away the next day with very little consequence, or if I will have to spend six weeks recovering from a cut in my stomach. I will know what it means to sleep in yet another hospital. I will know what it means to be vulnerable in front of yet even more people. Most of all, I will know how much more of this I have to handle.

I have my HOPES about how that will go. I'll get there in the morning, be taken to the pre-op area, get an IV started with no problems, have my surgery with no problems, and then sleep in the hospital as I recover from what was a pretty simple procedure.  HOWEVER, it has been my experience that surgeries and I do not often go as planned. They usually take many hours longer than they should. They usually have weird, unforeseen complications.  They usually just don't work the way I wanted them to work. I need to be realistic and assume this one will happen that way as well. I'm just hoping it doesn't go tragically wrong.

Tomorrow, my father is driving me to Tulsa for the pre-op appointment. I'm not looking forward to this. Logically, it shouldn't be that big of a deal. I'm just stressing because it's an unknown place and I'll have to meet a lot of new people. I'll feel like I'm being judged and found lacking, even though I am pretty sure I'm no more than just one more face to them. They see so many people. One more fat woman won't make that much of an impression.

I'm coming to this point in the process where I just need to move from moment to moment. I need to let my ego go and just drift through the next week, doing the things I have been instructed and advised to do, and let my mind just go. I think it will be the best way to get through all of this. At least, I hope it will.

If you are out there reading this, keep me in your thoughts, please. I'll probably need that.