Undeserving

Yesterday, my dad drove me to Tulsa so I could have my pre-op appointment. The trip up there was easy and my directions were more or less functional. We didn't end up exactly the part of the hospital I wanted, but close enough. I had to do more stuff for this pre-op than I did the last one. Then again, I guess more tests are needed when you're having a hysterectomy. I had to sign a consent form acknowledging the fact that I knew I would soon be sterile.

As we were driving home, I felt this kind of gnawing chaos growing in my mind. I couldn't really pin down why because everything had gone so well. By the time we were home and Dad had gone on his way, I felt like one big raw nerve. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hide in my room. I felt vulnerable and exposed and kind of broken. Most of all, I just feel nervous and undeserving. It was the sense of being undeserving that has stayed with me sense.

It is such a NICE hospital. And my doctor is such a NICE doctor. And having my hysterectomy and no more cancer is such a NICE thought. It is just more nice than I believe I deserve. It's more nice than I expect I will be allowed to have. I believe it will slip through my fingers.

They'll call on Monday and tell me that my insurance has decided not to cover it. They'll call me on Monday and saw my pre-op tests revealed stuff that make me unfit for surgery. I'll be told my heart is too screwed up for me to have surgery, so that has to be fixed first. Or I'll be told I have some other form of cancer that is far advanced and there is no point in having the surgery because I'm just going to die soon anyway.

Everything will get canceled and I'll be left with my Cancer Uterus. And even if I can manage to fix whatever problem happens to arise that will keep me from letting this happen, I will have exhausted my resources and my loved ones to the point where even if people wanted to help me, they just can't anymore.

Deep down, I don't believe I deserve this. I don't believe I can be helped. I don't believe I will get better or that things could possibly go smoothly or work out in my favor. And so my mind just reels with all the possibilities. My brain just tosses the problems around and whispers to me about my failings and my issues and how nothing will happen in a way that is beneficial for me. I had this chance for things to get better, but it will slip through my fingers as I fall into a pit of something worse.

Part of me thinks this is what I deserve. I really hope that part of me gets cut out with all the other cancerous bits.