I think after all the drama that has happened the last two days, part of me just shut down. All day today, I was on the verge of tears. I've been sad and just genuinely down about everything. At this point, I just kind of feel like the holiday season isn't going to get much better. I'm not even sure how it can. I'll muddle through it the best as possible, and if turns out to be good I'll be happy. I just won't expect things to go well.
The thing is, I don't want to feel this way. I know that emotional states can become habit, so I'm trying my best to push the sad, anxious, and nervous thoughts away. While I realize the value of that technique, after a while it just get tiring. I'm not sure I have the strength to make myself positive again. The hell of it is, I'm taking my meds. This is a bigger, deeper kind of sadness. I just need to dig in my heels and hope it passes.
I'm going to be 41 soon, and while I am very happy I lived to see this birthday, I'm not seeing it as the same person I was this time last year. A lot of my passion is gone. A lot of my creativity is gone. Basically all the fucks I have to give about anything are gone. That may return to me, but it is possible that it won't. The longer this goes on, the more I have to prepare for that possibility.
I didn't have a lot of resources left to handle this week. At first, I assumed that was just a matter of not having the money. But as the days have continued, I'm starting to realize I just didn't have the emotional resources for it either. "Look, this year kicked you in the teeth! Let's kick you in the teeth just one more time!" Not sure I even had any teeth left for the kicking.
And I'm not sure when they'll grow back.
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