Freak Show

I watched the latest episode of American Horror Story: Freak Show today and found myself a little disquieted about it. Spoilers ahead, so don't read if you don't want to be spoiled.

Kathy Bates's character was killed, leaving the freak show short one bearded lady and one fat lady. Bearded ladies are a bit hard to come by, but fat women are always around. Elsa Mars goes to one of those upscale women's 'reducing' clinics and finds a very fat woman to sign up for her freak show. This woman, whom Elsa gives the stage name Ima Wiggles, is brought into the fold and told to eat as much as she wishes. After all, her weight is now her asset.

How can I put this? As I was watching these scenes, something inside me just kind of began to unravel and then ravel back, twisting into this knot of discomfort. I didn't feel disgusted, just, unnerved on a very visceral level. I felt naked and weird, strangely violated somehow. People talk about trigger warnings a lot, and while I've read some  things that disturbed me or even messed with me for hours later, nothing has hit me quite like this.

This woman was about my size. Or maybe a bit bigger. She is a size I have been in the past. And this very fact of her size made her a freak. As I am at that (or close to), I am also a freak.

And YES I KNOW THIS. I've always known this. I've even kind of maybe enjoyed the fact, the offputting nature of how people react to me. But at the same time, it is so, so very different to face this fact being pushed into your face on television. Freak. Freak. Freak. People are fascinated and revolted by how you look. Freak. Freak. Freak.

I thought I was okay with this. I suppose in the way that I accepted it internally, I was okay with it. But when you are hit in the mouth with the external reality of it, it's shocking. It's a little more difficult to process. It's one thing to be a freak because you choose to be so. It's another thing to be a freak because society assigns that to you. "You can't have agency about your status because we put you there even before you considered it."

I suppose this is one of those moments when the Tyrion Lannister quote truly comes in handy. "Let me give you some advice, bastard: Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you."

Bold words, Tyrion, but sometimes what we are still can hurt us. Maybe not for long, but at least for a few hours of the day.

Edit: My roommate showed me this. Rock on. Aye!