Female Trauma

I spent a great deal of last night freaking out about my appointment. It wasn't because of the cancer test, though I am sure that will begin to freak me out later. It was because I had to get naked and let someone stick their fingers (and objects) inside of me.

I still have major PTSD about this whole ordeal, and a lot of past trauma about people touching my vagina. I hate it. I really, truly hate it. Unless I know the person very, very well and am super comfortable with them, I basically believe in no touching, especially not there!

Yes, I understand that doctors are not doing this for pleasure. Intellectually and rationally, I realize this is part of their job and part of the process needed to insure my continual recovery. Let's face it though, trauma reactions have very little to do with rationality.

Before the exam, I sat in the waiting room and tried my best to just distract myself with television and watching other patients. I tried not to fidget and I did my best not to cry. When I went into the room, even though I knew what was coming, I still felt a little bit of horror when she told me to get undressed. While I was undressed and while he did the exam, I did my best to just disassociate. It's funny how I try so hard NOT to do that anymore, but find there are times when it's the only way I get through the moments.

After the exam, I went to the bathroom and locked the door. I sat on the floor, letting the coldness of the wall try to sooth me. I let myself cry a little, knowing that I needed to get up and go. My brother was waiting for me outside. The rest of getting out of there was a blur.

By the time I was home, I was just in a tizzy. I was exhausted and probably a bit dehydrated (even though I drank water like it was going out of style during lunch). Most of all, I was just in jumpy, horrified reaction mode because of the exam. I kept it together until I went to bed, then I let myself cry some more. By that time, I was so nerved out, my torso was having heatwaves of nausea and stress. I curled into fetal position and just wished this whole thing was over.

In a way, it was almost easier when I was still very much facing the cancer. Cancer was such a looming, scary thing that pelvic exam trauma was just pushed to the back of my mind. Now though, the full force of how much I hate this is slapping me repeatedly in the face. It's probably going to take days for me to calm back down.

These days, there is a lot of discussion about rape and sexual assault. There is a larger conversation about consent and what that means. I think one of the problems that people who have never experienced sexual trauma don't quite understand is that for some people who have experienced it, even giving consent still doesn't make you okay with the situation. As I said, the exam was not sexual and they certainly had my consent to do it, but it didn't stop my body and mind from reacting the way it has. Some of us are damaged and the usual way of doing things just doesn't work so well.