Goals for the Year

Today wasn't easy. My hips are shifting again and there was a lot of pain. In fact, I woke up in the middle of the night to the pain. I know it's part of the process of my body changing. That deals with the fear factor of it, but not the pain itself. My body is a difficult place sometimes. We have our issues.

I've been thinking about what I want to change in the new year. I talked about the practical goals, like drinking more water and cutting some things out of my eating. I think I'm going to make a couple of more emotional/social goals as well. For one thing, I want to be more embracing of my life. If someone asks me to go do something, I want to be more open to doing it. If someone offers me a chance to do something different or adventurous, I want to be more open to it. Normally when these things happen, I worry so much about them that often decline the chance. This is no way to live one's life.

I guess this one runs hand in hand with that one, and, with everything else really. I'm going to try to be less caustic and angry about my body. I'm going to do my best to process the pain without grinding my teeth about it. I need to do this. I don't hate ME, but I've started hating my body. Not because of the way it looks, but just because of its issues.

I've noticed in the last year that I've developed this resentful attitude about my body. My body causes me pain. My body gets ill and forces me to go see doctors and talk to people. My body won't heal the way I would want it to. My body, basically, just causes me a lot of problems. I feel betrayed by my body. I feel fearful about what it will do next. It makes me panic.

I think it's understandable that I view myself this way. I also know that it's probably not productive. This is just going to lead to more disassociation. I don't need that. I need to really learn to live in this skin without anger and fear. It's hard though. It's really hard.

So I have no idea how I'll do this. I guess I can talk to my therapist and do some online research. I have been doing a thing were I try to understand how my body feels right now, but that's more about accepting the physical than accepting just the......whatever this is. I'll start trying to figure it out though.