Today, for the first time in a long time, I thought about my Farmville farm. Ahh, my farm . . . fully expanded as far as it could be, landscaped over and over, changing as I found things I liked more, altered when new things came out. Full of pathways and hedges and ponds and animals . . . and crops neglected for over a year.
I can become quite obsessive about things, deeply into them, very dedicated to them . . . only to simply walk away when I decide they're annoying me or boring.
For instance, when games start offering tons of premium stuff but very little free stuff, I get annoyed and walk away. Look, I wouldn't care if I paid for the game, but if it claims to be a free game, it should be a free game. They have other ways of making money.
At the same time, if the game becomes stale and just repeats the same thing over and over, again, I walk away. After all, what is the point?
In some aspects of my life, this can cause problems, such as, you know, the whole job and fat thing. In other ways, I feel being this way is great. One of those ways is in relating to other people. I've found quite a few truths where that is concerned.
1. Unless you've actually made a commitment to do so (parent/therapist, etc.), you are in no way obligated to pay attention to people.
Which isn't to say you shouldn't pay attention to people, if you want to maintain a certain level of social interaction, you should. But you aren't obligated to do so.
For instance, if someone comes up to you talk about religion, if you're not interested, you don't have to listen. You can tell them to go away. You don't have to mean about it, but you certainly don't have to stand there while they natter on and on.
While this is a very simple concept, I think we have a lot of trouble applying it. Think about how many times you've been at a party or other social gathering and found yourself stuck listening to some crazy person talk about things you do not care about at all? I bet you felt totally trapped . . . and had no way of getting out of it.
The thing is, you do have a way of getting out of it. Simply walk away. If they follow, be polite and tell them you have other things you need to do. If they insist, you might have to get firm. They may act put out about it, but don't let that stop you. You're in the right.
2. With the first truth in mind, if you want someone to pay attention to you, it is up to you to be charming and entertaining.
I think this is a lesson I learned as a very young child. I was the only kid for a long time and almost always around self-absorbed adults. And while some of them, at least two of them, were responsible for me, they didn't much care. So it was up to me to be fun enough to keep them interested. I could have been mad at them all I wanted and whined about how unfair it was that I was being ignored . . . or I could become more interesting.
And, okay, I realize a little kid doing this is kind of sad and fucked up, but as adults, we should certainly realize this is the case with other adults.
We see this kind of thing on TV all the time. Someone will bitch because their spouse like some program or sporting event or shopping or being with their friends more than they like them. Instead of bitching, find a way to be more interesting . . . or realize this person just isn't that into you and leave.
3. If you bore people, you aren't the victim, you're the perp.
Do you find people glancing away or checking the time a lot when you talk to them? Do you find them unable to pay attention to what you're saying? Does this make you feel all hurt inside?
Stop it.
If people aren't paying attention to you, it's because you're boring them. Instead of being angry at them about it and feeling bad for yourself, realize that you're the only person who can change this.
Ask yourself some questions.
Is what I'm saying in any way of interest to this person?
Have I said this to them more than once in the last week/day/hour/minute?
Do I dominate conversations, speaking about what topics I wish, for as long as I wish, without any consideration for others?
Have I been talking for more than five minutes straight?
If you can answer yes to any or all of these, go take some classes on how to carry on conversations with others.
4. Even the most dedicated person can only pay attention for so long.
And that "for so long," is probably becoming less and less as time goes on. We live in a very fast society. People communicate in tweets and status updates. Honestly, even my long ass blogs are getting outmoded.
So you may be charming and entertaining, the person you're talking to may be really into the topic at hand, but if you continue too long on the same topic, they're probably still going to stop paying attention, simply because their attention span can only allow for so much at once.
And, again, you can get mad at this. You can be all annoyed and upset about it . . . or you can accept the fact.
For example, I see my best friend about every two weeks. During our visit, we watch movies, eat lunch, often drink, and talk about everything under the sun. But the conversation comes in waves. We'll talk for a while, then just let the music play. Or we'll catch up on our week and then watch part of a tv show.
Sometimes these breaks only last 15-20 minutes or so, but it gives us time to let our brains not have to be listening to someone else. Because of this, we rarely get that frustrated with each other on a communication level. However, this pattern is something we had to develop and it did take time.
When my grandmother was alive, I'd go over to see her for a couple of hours and walk away exhausted. I loved the woman and I miss her, but she would dominate the conversation and not stop talking. Or rather, when she did stop talking, it was only to ask you questions to see if you were paying attention. It was draining.
You know, people always say that the main reason why couples divorce is because of sex and money. I'm willing to bet that these two play a large role in it, but there is probably a larger portion of divorces that stem from communication issues. One person wanting attention all the time or wanting to dominate every discussion. One person who feels drained by the constant noise, but doesn't think they have the right to ask for quiet time.
I think having trouble in conversation probably leads to the resentment and bitterness that causes both sexual and money issues. I think people probably throw caution to the wind and just things fall where they may, hoping that maybe at least they get silence in exchange.
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