Father's Day

I told my roommate I needed a card when he went to the store.  Now, in my head, what I understood this to mean was "My brother's birthday is in a couple of days and I need a birthday card." What he understood was "Father's Day is coming up and she needs a card."

So tonight he makes the comment that of all the cards he picks up for me during the year, this is the one he has the most problem with. And I'm like, "Why do you have a problem with my brother's birthday?" He looks at me for a long moment and then says, "Father's Day. I got you a Father's Day card. And I have a problem with it because your father sucks at fathering."*

And . . . this is true.  My father is pretty useless when it comes to fathering. He seems to be pretty good at being a grandfather, but that really isn't helping ME any.

So, I thought I'd write some possible ditties that actually do apply to my relationship with Dad. Hell, these may even be cards someplace.

Dear Dad,

• Thanks for not wearing a condom the night I was conceived . . . I guess. 
• Thanks for fathering me after you watched an Andy Warhol movie with Mom. That's actually one of my favorite things about you.
• Thanks for taking me to see Star Wars when I was very young.
• Thanks for only having werewolf books in your apartment when I would stay with you.
• Thanks for never talking to me about drugs being bad, considering you used to smoke joints in front of me while you'd drive me places. That would have been annoying.
• Despite the driving while high, or maybe because of it, thanks for being like one of the few people in this world with whom I feel totally safe when they drive.
• Thanks for talking to me at awkward family functions.  I know (being my father and given that you probably haven't talked to me in months prior) you probably feel like you're obligated, but it's still nice.
• Thanks for not being the asshole your dad is.  
• Thanks for actually finding a nice woman to marry after you divorced my mom.
• Thanks for giving me cash to help me out now and again, even if you are kind of a dick about it. 
• Thanks for not giving me shit about my strange life style and general failure at being a socially acceptable person . . . even though I know you're probably thinking just this when I see you.

Hmm, come to think of it, I guess that type of honesty, while somewhat of a relief, would be kind of hard to swallow. It would make for a nifty set of cards though!

*Not the direct quote, but close enough. You get the idea.