I think it's awesome.
I realize it can be expensive, messy, painful, and sometimes dangerous, but personally, I love divorce. I think the fact that someone can be in your life in such an intimate way and then not be . . . why, that is just beautiful. What a relief that we have this concept!
In fact, one of the main arguments I have for why gay marriage and civil unions are a good idea has to do with the idea of divorce. Because, unless you have a legal definition of what your relationship with someone is, it's kind of hard to disentangle yourself from it. People always need a clear path out of a situation because, in any given relationship, there may come a moment when you understand you need to leave.
Also, situations like Jack and Karen's show that the parting of ways doesn't have to be horrible. It can be a party. Everyone can still be friends. Just . . . not in the same space any more.
A lot of people look at divorce as some kind of failure. I don't see it that way. Even if this other person isn't horrible, sometimes you just grow apart. Sometimes you mature into different people. Sometimes, you've just had ENOUGH. And that isn't to say this person is a bad person, any more than anyone else is a bad person. It's more like saying you just have nothing more to give to them, or to the situation.
If this is the case, and you truly want things to end on a positive note, set some ground rules. I'm sure there are a lot of things that could go into this. I want to cover a few major ones though.
1. Everyone leaves financially stable.
Make sure all the debts you built as a couple are paid off. Make sure everyone has a reasonable way to pay their bills, a place to live, access to transportation. Remember, you're trying to end this on good terms. Don't be greedy. Any money you may lose is worth it for the peace of mind you'll have when the dust settles.
Honestly, this may be the hardest thing to accomplish. Money is tight for just about everyone and planning for a friendly end to a relationship will take time, patience, and discipline. It will be good for you though. Whenever you're faces with money temptations, you can always say to yourself, "I could spend my cash on that coffee I don't need....or I can save it and I'm one step closer to being single again."
2. Become more self-sufficient.
Relationships fall into routines of co-dependence. When deciding if you should walk away, one of the things that keeps people in relationships longer than they should be is their lack of skill in certain areas. "Oh, I would leave, but Sam cooks so well." "I can't stand being here any more, but Taylor always talks to people on the phone so I don't have to." "I'd love to go, but I have no idea what's going on with the bills."
Make a list of all the places where you are dependent on the other person to do things. Be honest about it. Sometimes the things are obvious, like someone cooks for you. Other times, it's more subtle. It may take you quite a while to get a full list going. Somethings are seasonal. You may not remember you've never shopped for holiday gifts until the holiday rolls around.
Once you have your list, sit down with each other and start learning how to become the one responsible for the whatever it is you're not doing. Considering it will probably take you time to get yourself financially ready for an amicable divorce, you should have plenty of time to learn to do all the tasks you're not currently doing.
3. Untangle all the contracts.
These days, it isn't just the legal documents (or lack thereof) that tie us together. There are phone contracts, apartment leases, cosigned loans, Netflix accounts. So many things that are mutually used and suddenly have to be separated.
Again, this is a place where it helps to make lists. And like with the other things, it may take time to remember all the places where things connect. Once you do, start dividing things up and making independent accounts. This may seem stupid for a while....you may still be living together for a few months with two Netflix accounts, but it will make things easier when you finally go your separate ways.
4. Be prepared for lots of emotion.
Walking out of something you've shared with someone else for a long time, even under the best of circumstances, is going to cause a lot of emotion. You may feel guilty. Our whole society tells us that we need to STICK WITH THINGS! You may feel like you are failing. You may feel like you are abandoning this other person.
The best thing to do in times like this is to remember that life decisions can't be made only with emotion. If you have gotten to the point where you know you need to walk away, you have considered all the alternatives and all of the consequences, both good and bad. This is the rational decision you have made. Stick with it.
5. Do a major house cleaning.
This should be cold and brutal. Make three piles. Trash, Donate, Keep. Make the Keep Pile as small as possible. Don't debate things. Go with your first instinct. If you think it should be tossed away, trash it.
Why is this important? Two reasons. The practical reason is that no one wants to move with a bunch of crap. By getting rid of as much of it as possible, the physical part of the divorce will be easier.
The second reason has to do with closure. The physical act of sorting your mutual things and getting rid of the baggage will help you both come to terms with how freeing this will be.
Look, I know the concept of mutual happy divorce is shocking to a lot of people. Even the fact that I like divorce is possibly shocking. But as I have said before, sometimes leaving something is the best thing you can do. Sometimes, the thing you need to leave is another person. And that IS okay.
Just make sure you do it will as little harm or hurt to either of you as possible.
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