Dear Horny Politicians,
You know what? I get it. I understand that you have an inch you want to scratch. I realize you come in contact with a lot of people, some of them turn you on, and you want to act on that. I also suspect this is just part of human nature. For centuries, the people in charge had the most access and often, even the most legal right, to having lots of sex with whomever they wanted. Beyond that, it's lonely at the top.
However, no one really likes their political leaders to embarrass themselves. Doing weird shit to people, like sticking cigars in their hoohas or texting pictures of your whatevers or killing strippers or whatever thing you happened to be caught doing . . .it's creepy. And it doesn't inspire confidence in your ability to do anything. And not because you're human and weak. I think most of us will understand that.
It's because you're pathetic about it. You're like the dude at the laundry mat who is there washing his tiger print manthongs and smirking about it and saying, a bit too loudly, "Oh look, my leopard print sheets gots STAINS on em. Heh heh!" As much as you want to ignore this guy, he won't shut up. He hits on everyone, especially women who might be single mothers because he assumes a. they're DTF and b. the make poor life decisions. And after he's given everyone the skeeves and spent half an hour picking stuff out of his teeth, he has the nerve to try and bum people money so he can use the dryers.
And, I'm sure as your respectful politician self, you're thinking, "No, no....sleaze fest dude from the laundry is NOT how I am perceived! I'm a good politician and I do great things for my country and my hair is not in a mullet!" OH, but how wrong you are! You do come off as Master Skankspanksit.
Wait . . . no, actually you don't.
Because, even though Laundry Matt Dude is annoying and bothersome and you certainly don't want to sit in a chair after he has (because his cut off shorts are cut way too short and you've had to spend the last hour convincing yourself that it is NOT his ballsack you're seeing, it's just some trick of the light), he is more honest than you.
See, Horny Politicians, Laundry McBallsack doesn't pretend to be anything than what he is. He knows he's sleazy. He knows he's useless. He knows he's a grifter who plays on the ignorance and emotions of others to get by in life. You're all of these things too, of course . . . by the Laundry Matt Dude owns his nasty. He fesses up to it. He doesn't pretend to be anything except that, especially when he's been caught red handed.
So how about you try and learn from his example.
Instead of saying, "No, that isn't my penis I texted . . . I don't think" say "Yeah, totes my junk. You jelly or what, dude?"
Instead of saying, "I think someone is trying to frame me," say "Wow, so I was stupid and this fell into the hands of people who HATE me."
Instead of saying, "We're working very hard to try and do the best for the American people," say, "I have no idea what is going on here. Why is all this crap written so long? Where are the cliff notes at?"
Instead of saying, "I did not mean to embarrass my family, my wife, myself, and my country," say "Crap, I SO got busted. This sucks. I'm still charming, right? You'll forgive me?"
Now, will this get you elected again? Probably not. Will this help you to get laid? Maybe, but then again, probably not. Will this help you sleep at night because you're not having to remember all the lies and cover ups and sound bites? Certainly.
And honestly, a good night's rest might do you jackaninnies some good.
Sincerely,
BHB
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