Today, all of the interwebz got into a tizzy about the rude letter a rude future mother-in-law wrote to her rude future daughter-in-law. The letter is pretty horrible and kind of stereotypical upper crust snobby Brit stuff. I suspect some romcom will come out of this.
To be nice to any possible future mother-in-laws, I am saving them some time and writing their future bitchy email to me about my rudeness for them.
"Dear" Blackhaired Barbie,
When my son told us that he was in love, we were a little shocked, especially about the part where the person he loves is a woman.
Nothing, however, could prepare us for the shock of seeing you. To begin with, who has a tattoo on their hand? Yes, I heard your "clever" little story about how it was the "90s and you wanted something permanent in your life." Let me tell you something! It is no longer the 90s and your sardonic Gen X jaded comments just aren't that funny. Get that thing removed.
Also, I do not find your sense of the ridiculous to be amusing. When I told you face to face to have the tattoo removed, you asked, and I quote, "Why? Do you think it might get passed down to some grandkid of yours?" No! No of course I know that would not happen. You took my silence for bafflement at your wit. It was not! I was silently killing you with my thoughts.
On the subject of children, you also display much rudeness. When I inquired about grandchildren, as any mother might, you replied that your eggs "were well past the 'best used by' date." This is not funny! Why my darling son is marrying someone of your advanced years is beyond me.
Of course, you claim that there will be no marriage. You made comments insulting the sacred institution of marriage, claiming it was archaic and pointless. I am married, Ms Blackhaired Barbie. Everyone else is married. Stop trying to be so different. My son wishes to marry you. Someone of your age and ungainly appearance should be so lucky.
Stop thinking you are some kind of catch! You are a fat, bitter, poor woman who should be thanking her lucky stars that she gets to find a man willing to marry her! And yet, you toss this back in his face?
What kind of woman are you?
Sincerely,
Bitter Old Bitchatron, your future mother-in-law
Of course, I would have to reply back. I'm thinking it would go like this.
Dear Ma,
Come to think of it, I will marry him. That way I get to make life decisions for you when you're older. Enclosed you will find brochures for the four nastiest, most horrible rest homes in the area. Pick which ever one you like!
Love,
BHB
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