When I left off, I was talking about how completely devastating it is to reach this age and realize things not only suck, but probably won't get better. It's pretty horrifying. I thought The Big Nothing that I faced in my 20s was bad, but this is so much worse. After all, in my 20s, there was still the hope that I might have the power to change things. That hope is pretty much gone by the time you reach middle age.
So why don't people just kill themselves? That's where the midlife crisis part comes in. See, I think our souls or the bacteria that lives in our gut or the microbes that live in our skin keep an eye on what we're thinking and feeling. If we suddenly hit some wave of emotional devastation, a system kicks in to help sooth our broken . . . everythings.
This crisis system knows it has to repair some damage and rebuild some stuff. It has to restore our sense of hope. It has to restore our sense of safety. It has to help us to get interested in things again, excited about life. In short, it has to help us have reasons to continue to live.
When folks see the middle aged people walking around in their gold chains, tight pants, and shiny cougar tops, they tend to laugh this off as a desperate attempt to recapture youth. I think recapturing youth is only the surface aspect of it, and really in no way the most important part. It isn't so much about feeling younger as it is trying to recapture how we felt when we were young.
Pretty much everyone has a memory of when they felt the most powerful in their own skin and the most excited about life. It was a time when everything seemed to be in the palm of your hand. You felt strong and creative and just truly, truly excited about the world. Midlife crisis switches your focus off of whatever boring, mundane crap you were halfassed paying attention to and finds a way to shove stuff at you that will bring up those old feelings of wonder, power, and potential.
And so yes, for a lot of people, this means fast cars and tight clothes and relationships with people half their age. It means hitting dance clubs and buying really high heels and dating people who are young enough to be your children. Other people cope by actually having more children, trying to see if that will give them the excitement to go on. Some people pragmatically go back to school, hungry less for knowledge than they are for how learning made them feel.
How do I know all this? Because it has happened to me. For several weeks now, my mind has been shifting and reorienting my tastes. It's put me in situations whee, with just a couple of mouse clicks, I can get the fix I need to cope with my sad and rapidly disappearing life.
And what is this object of my midlife crisis desire?
Kpop.
KPOP. I am a 40 yr old woman who now listens to pop music from South Korea.
I mean...........really? REALLY? I get this? Kpop? I have deep, dark, and weird tastes in music. I like stuff that is heartbreaking or mysterious or maybe even kind of evil. Still, you know, most everyone wears black and eyeliner and..........KPOP?
Of course, when I really thought about it, it made sense. The time I felt the most powerful in my own skin was when I was in 5th grade. I walked basically everywhere in town, which kept me with a high sense of independence and freedom. I had great boobs. I was in love. I knew I was beautiful. I knew what I wanted to do with my life.
Most importantly, during fifth grade, I lived in a college town during the early 80s. I listened to the uni's radio station, which kept me at a constant exposure to new and different things. I may not have liked all of it, but I loved the NEW of it. I loved that it was all things I hadn't heard before. This music, strange, quirky, sometimes plastic, sometimes sublime, became my best friend. It was what helped to get me through any rough times. It comforted me, excited me, and helped me through my days.
So, in that way, yes, it makes sense that I'm loving music from a new culture, even if it is very much pop bubblegummy type music. A lot of it may be shallower waters than what I'm used to, but it is very well crafted shallow water. I love the bright colors of the videos and the mix of Korean and English. I love how everyone is insanely beautiful and orchestrated. Even the inorganic nature of it makes me happy.
Look, I know that to the outside world, people in midlife crisis look pretty silly. I know it's easy to laugh at them. I've even done that myself. Now that I'm there, I understand that people in this situation didn't really ask to be here. I'm betting for most people in midlife crisis, they just go into automatic mode and do whatever it is they feel they should be doing. If they find some joy in that, let's all be grateful.
Now, I'm off to watch some more videos.
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