Tonight has been really annoying. Our internet, for some unholy reason, decided to go out at 11. No one wants to be on the phone to the internet company at 11 PM! Anyway, clearly, we got it fixed. For that reason, you're getting to read this. I wrote the other day about resolutions I think everyone should make. Tonight, I'm going to talk about two I plan to make.
I don't like that I have to make these resolutions. I'm not upset that I'm making them. I'm upset that I HAVE to make them, because the fact that I have to make them means that I am things I don't want to be . . . ignorant, judgmental, and petty. I don't LIKE being ignorant, judgmental, and petty. Hopefully committing to these resolutions will do something about that.
Before I get in to the resolutions, I want to point out that making changes in your life only happens if you truly believe that changes are needed. Don't lie to yourself (or other people) and waste your time trying to make changes when you don't think anything is wrong. Even if society, your doctor, your pastor, and the whole universe is telling you that smoking is wrong, until YOU, deep inside the core of everything that is YOU come to the belief that smoking is truly wrong, you're going to keep doing it. You may do it less. You may sneak around and do it . . . but you'll still do it because you don't think it's wrong.
I wish I could add more to that. I can't tell you how to change your belief about it. All I can say is not to waste your time trying to alter behavior you don't see as wrong. . . . because chances are, you won't change anything.
Anyway, on to my resolutions . . .
ONE: I RESOLVE NOT TO FORM OPINIONS ABOUT THINGS AND ACCEPT THEM AS TRUE FACTS UNTIL I KNOW THE WHOLE STORY.
This could also be called the Woman Sues McDonald's over Hot Coffee resolution. You see, for years, I, like most people, believed that some woman (who, in my head, was some yippy middle aged woman) ordered coffee from McDonald's, spilled a little bit of it on her hand while she was driving, and then sued them and won millions of dollars. I believed these to be TRUE FACTS and thought it was an example of how awful our whole court system had become.
I believed these True Facts based on just the small bit of word of mouth I'd heard about this story. I knew it was a true thing that happened and beyond that never bothered to get any more facts about it. Why did I need to, after all?
Why? Well, because the woman was in her 70s. She wasn't driving, she was the passenger in the car. Because the coffee was 180 degrees and had been poured over the safe level of the serving line on the cup. When she set it between her legs to open it up, it poured out all over her pelvis. She had third degree burns on her thighs, genitalia, and butt. Horrible, painful burns that resulted in many days in the hospital and months of recovery.
She only asked McDonald's for enough money to cover her medical expenses, something akin to $10,000. She did have a legitimate case, because company policy allowed for coffee to be served at dangerously hot levels and it was pour improperly. The jury rewarded her millions as a message to McDonald's about their recklessness. The amount was based on coffee sales for two days. She didn't receive this amount, only around $700, 000 from the judge.
For her trouble, to this day, people still talk about this woman like she was some evil con artist who probably sued everyone over everything. She's dead now, but while she was still alive, she received all kinds of hateful letters about what she had done. All because people, like me, didn't know the whole story, but accepted the blurb they'd heard about it as the True Facts.
When I heard this whole story, I was horrified. I felt shame for my own participation in the cycle of ignorance. I knew, right then and there, that I needed to change the way I thought about things. I need to begin to study, seek out information, gather details, understand the fullness of a story, before I begin to form opinions about it.
Will this be more work for me? Yes. It may even make things uncomfortable for me from time to time, because my answer to someone who asks me about a topic may very well be, "you know, I don't know enough about that yet to have a fully knowledgeable opinion." I'll have to sound ignorant to a lot of people . . . but, I'm okay with that because sounding ignorant is better than living ignorantly. I don't want to do THAT any more.
TWO: I RESOLVE NOT TO BODY SHAME.
I'm a fat woman and I should know better. However, I am ashamed to admit that I'm just as bad about this as other people. I think what woke me up about this was when one of my skinny friends made comment about those memes that go around on Facebook that show a heavier girl and a skinny girl and the heavier girl one says, "This is what a real woman looks like."
I know that the intent was to remind people that not every woman is a size 00. The idea was to embrace women who are heavier and accept them as just as worthy as the skinny ideal.
However, the path to acceptance can NOT be one where we say 'my stuff is better than your stuff' or 'my stuff deserves more than your stuff' or, worst of all, 'my stuff is the REAL stuff and yours isn't.' The solution to getting people to accept you as you are isn't open hostility towards people who look the way everyone thinks they should. That isn't helping you. That's just harming other people.
The fact is, people of all sizes are of equal value. Women with curves are women. Women with a mountain for an ass are real women. Women with no curves are women. Women with their breasts removed are women. Women with no more reproductive parts are women. Women who are in men's bodies who self identify as women are women. We are all real women.
Now, as I can recall, I don't think I've ever been, personally, that harsh on the skinny girls. This is probably because I have a punk/goth sensibility and have always found the waifs very beautiful. I can be, however, quite harsh on women who have had a lot of plastic surgery done. That is where my mouth and my mind can make some HARSH judgments.
I have a real issue with women who've had a lot of work done. I make a lot of snap decisions about the kind of people they are and the lives they lead. Most of these decisions are not based in True Facts, but in watching reality TV.
"They don't even look human anymore."
"The surgery never looks good, and if it does, they all look the same. Just carbon copies."
"Clearly having that much work done is a sign of an insecure personality."
"If you've had that much work done, it's really sad. I feel sorry for you. Clearly you aren't and never can be a happy person."
"I bet she was really pretty once."
I have thought these things. I have said these things. And I am angry at myself for being the person who did this. Who the fuck am I to judge what someone else does with their body? Who am I to make comment or think shitty things about how someone else looks? I've spent almost my whole life being overweight. I've faced jokes, mockery, hatred, hostility, and discrimination over this. And yet, it seems that none of that has given me empathy towards others. That's damned sad.
So from now on, I will make it a point to not body shame. I will not do it out loud. I will try not to do it in my head. How they look shouldn't be my measure of their worth. That is petty and shallow and very ignorant.
So there you have it, in very long, verbose, and cringing detail. I don't want to be a shitty person. I'm going to do my best not to be one.
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