I made a doctor's appointment for next Friday. It was the soonest I could get in that didn't clash with other appointments. I'm honestly fine with that though. If I'm still having the problems I'm having now by next Friday, then they probably do need a doctor's attention. I can function until then, I think. If I can't, then you'll know because the blog will stop updating. Yes, I know that wasn't very funny.
I've had to face the possibility of my own mortality quite a lot. That's been quite frightening and, really, quite often the only way to get past the fear was just to find a kind of morbid peace in the idea. "I may die from this, but then again, if I do, I don't have to go see that awful doctor anymore." There have been things I've had to deal with in the last few months that seemed far worse than death. Being suck with needles 18 times is up there. Having a pickline put in is up there. Pain. There are levels of pain I have experienced that would be worse than just dying.
I'm not sure if facing mortality and accepting it is a good thing. I'd like to think it is. Maybe that's one last thing to keep me up at night. Maybe it's something to focus on when bad news arrives. There is a comforting peace to it though. Of course, I say that after the fact, knowing the cancer is gone and death has gone down to just the normal odds.
I have to admit though, even though I'm maybe past being scared of death, I can still be pretty frightened at the prospect of living. Living means growing old. Living means becoming more vulnerable. Living means facing illnesses that may not be so easily handled . . . if you can call what I've been through 'easy.' Living means watching people I love die, watching my cats die. I try not to think about it too much, because even though there maybe days of things being okay and days of things even being good, I know I will still face everything I've just listed.
However, I will continue to carry on and try to keep my mind calm. I can't stop the advancement of vulnerability and the death of others. It's out of my control.
I think facing and accepting mortality is a great thing. It gives you a deeper appreciation for life, knowing how fragile and tenuous it is. I've dealt with mortality up close and personal lately too....nothing gives you a sense of how easy it could all end like burying a car accident victim while standing on the space where your own grave will be. I feel so much more appreciative and want to be present and enjoy life more now. I've found that the little, stupid stuff I used to stress over has just kind of fallen away.
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