Keep Breathing

My roommate mentioned in his own blog post that for now, with no appointments for a bit, it's time to breath. He's very right about this and when it comes to having a lot of serious medical issues, this is a very important thing to always remember. It seems pretty simple, and it should be. The problem is, whenever you have a lot of health issues on your mind, even the simple things feel impossible sometimes. It is very easy to get overwhelmed. Hell, it's easy to let medical issues consume you.

I've noticed that a lot of the time lately, they've been consuming me. I think about what has happened to me. I worry about more cancer. I worry about the bills. I worry about making it to appointments. I worry about getting lost in clinics or in hospitals. I worry about meeting all the millions of people it seems like you always have to meet whenever you go to a new medical place. I worry about being judged. I worry about being hurt. I worry that I'll die before this is all over.

There are days when these worries just play over and over in my head. I'll shut one bit of it out only to have another part rise up and rule my brain for a while. I never want to spend my time like this. I'd rather be creative or practical or just plain distracted. And yet, there are times when it feels like I have no choice in  the matter.

So when this stuff starts happening, IF I can remember to do so, I'll just stop everything going on in my head and just breath for a while. Deep breaths in, deep breaths out. I'll focus on the feel and the sound of my breathing, on the process of it. I'll close my eyes and shut out as much of the rest of the world as I can. Breathing is all I have in those moments and for a while, it's all I have to do or be. It can be very helpful.

For now, as I am waiting out the next two weeks before my consult, I'm going to do my best not to worry about all the stuff that can happen. I'm going to do my best to just shut it out of my mind and concentrate on the good stuff that is happening. I'm going to sleep as well as I can, eat as well as I can, and make my body as strong as I can. And I'm going to keep breathing.