Facing Reality

It stopped raining last night. I wasn't able to walk this morning, but I walked later in the day. Hopefully tomorrow will be good enough weather for me to get back on routine. I still don't enjoy the walking, but I'm enjoying the benefits. I wish I could just get to the point where I enjoy the whole process, but that may not ever happen. If it doesn't, that's okay. It really is.

You know, I'm not that good at reality. Most of the time, I try my best to avoid it. I like to bury my head in books or games or my own imagination. I often try to stay as detached from the physical as possible. One of the hardest things about this year has been the way that I've been forced to deal with reality. I've not been happy about it at all.

See, ever since I was given the cancer diagnosis, I thought it was a mistake. All along the way, I really, truly believed someone would sit down with me and say, "Oh no. It really wasn't that. It was just a mess up in the lab. You're fine." Seriously, that's how delusional I am about this. There is no cancer. It's just a mistake. All of this is just some big mess up. You're fine.

I never was fine though. The more people I saw, the more experts who looked at what was going on, the more the reality of the situation became the truth of cancer. Even when I went for my check up, I didn't even for a second believe I would have to do radiation. I thought I would be told I was clear and that I could just go home and heal and never have to deal with any of this again. That wasn't the case though. I was told that I needed to get treatment. The cancer was real. It was real.

I do not want this to be my reality, but it is. It is the reality of many people and there is no reason I should be different. I shouldn't be exempt because I'm so tired and so poor and so scared. Everyone else is as well. This is just how things go. This is life and the harsh, nasty truth of it. Sometimes our bodies turn against us and there is nothing we can do about it. We can't charm our way out of it. This is just life.

I hate this though. I hate the scars. I hate the lingering pain. I hate being tired all the time. I hate the drainage. I hate going to the appointments. I hate the fear. I hate the fact that now I'm wondering if it will ever end.

Most of all, I probably hate the reality of it. I am so good at being detached from my physical form that dealing with it so much is driving me bonkers. I hate the reality of sexual function and now it's come around to bite me in the ass. All of this reality and the fact that I had to face it has altered some of who I am. Again, I'm not sure in all the ways, but is part of why I am now different.