Honesty and Other Hardships

I increased my walking today. It was not fun.  It was rough and my ankles and calves are protesting. I did it though. Twice, even! In the heat. Again, I will repeat, it was not fun. I guess the main point of being an adult is that you do all this stuff that isn't fun, just to keep yourself going. I keep telling myself that I'm getting stronger, but sometimes that's a difficult sell.

I've been fighting depression all day. I'm taking my meds regularly, which makes me somewhat horrified at what the depression would be like were I not taking them. It helps that I recognize the patterns in my thinking and know when I'm spiraling down. I tried some techniques I've learned in therapy to help with that today and it did take the edge off.

This is one of the things you have to understand about depression, and I'm not trying to sound like an infomercial here, talking about it, acknowledging that it is happening, does actually make it easier. There can be a lot of blowback from  this. Some people think that you're just trying to get attention. Some people will accuse you of just feeling sorry for yourself. All of these people can go fuck the right off. Saying that you are depressed is one of the best ways to start pulling yourself out of it.

I think sometimes honesty is the hardest part of being a person. I'm not talking about lying to other people, though that can be a problem. I'm talking about the lies we allow ourselves to tell about ourselves just so we seem normal and okay. It's okay to say that stuff is hard. It's okay to say that you're having a difficult time. It's okay to admit you're frustrated or confused or scared as hell. It's okay to admit you have no clue about what to do next.

I know this stuff mostly because I've had to humble myself and be honest about this stuff for a while now. I have had to ask for things and admit to problems on subject matters that I never wanted to share with others. Things just got so dire that I had no choice in the matter. I could have died otherwise. Even now, even after all of the layers of stuff have been shed away, there are still things that are difficult to talk about.

However, I think we've proven that difficulty is something I am getting used to. Damn that walk!