Finding Me

It was nice and blissfully cool today. For the middle of June, that was so damned nice. Especially for me, given that I'm still in recovery mode. The really hot days have been rough on me and this reprieve of weather has been nice. I did both walks today and took out trash without any problems or the feeling that I was about to die. Yay.

I talked to a woman I know who has been dealing with cancer and recovery for a while now. She asked me how I was doing and I told her the truth . . . which is that I have some good moments and a lot of really NOT good moments. She told me to that it took her a year to feel like herself again. It was best to just be patient.

I know that she meant this in terms of how I feel physically, and in that way, I think she's right. It will probably take me quite a while to feel like I have strength again. It will take a while for my body to feel like it wasn't violated. It will take a while for my body to accept the terms and conditions under which it now functions.

But I am not the same as I was before. My life is altered. There are times when I see myself in the mirror and I don't even look like the same person. I need to start coming to terms with what this means for me, how this is going to impact where I go from now on.

In the traditional sense, the life cycle of a woman was seen in three parts. There was the Maiden, the young, innocent girl. There was the Mother, creative, productive, strong and responsible. And there was the Crone, the later stages of life, wisdom, aging, and preparation for death. Later on, other aspects were added to round this out, as these three seemed to define women only by their state of sexuality. The Warrior, who protected others (and herself), for instance.

The thing is, if I look at just the basic triple archetype, I realize I've basically skipped a step. I never became the Mother. I don't just mean in terms of not having kids. I really wasn't any of it. Even though I'm a highly creative person, the only thing I've managed to produce are some yarn projects and this blog. And now, at 40, I'm becoming the Crone. A young Crone with very little wisdom. It's going to be a strange process.

I think it's time to move away from writing about my recovery. I'll still touch on it, because it's still important to me and there are things left to happen (like radiation). I think I need to start exploring how I define ME now. I need to transition from who I was to who I am. It's time to make a new journey.