On the Verge

A year ago this week, I was still blissfully unaware I had cancer. It was Easter weekend (which came later last year) and my roommate had plans for dinner and candy. I'd been to the gynecologist (and hated it), but I'd not yet had the results from my tests. The chain of events that changed my life was just about to start, but it had not started.

That's a weird concept. It's one thing when you know you're on the verge of your life changing. It's quite another when you're just ignorantly going along with things, completely out of the loop in terms of how different everything will soon be. I would soon be terrified and in pain. I would soon be considering my own death. And yes, I know that all sounds dramatic, but it's how it was.

This is the crazy thing though. Even though I didn't know how bad things were about to be, I was still a nervous wreck. I was worried that at any moment the massive hellbleeding would start again. I was worried that my ER trip would cost a lot of money that I didn't have. With all of this fear, I never imagined it would soon pale in comparison. It did though. It was like the universe just breathed a cold, menacing breath over me and whispered, "Oh girl, you think you understand fear NOW. Just wait."

What makes me a bit anxious is that even now, after all I went through, I still don't know fear in the way that many people do. I've been told I'm strong to have handled what I did, but am I? Would I be strong enough to handle more? Could I face some of the things that others face? Honestly, I really do not want to know the answer to that.