Oh And

I got told today that a thing I thought was settled isn't settled.

AND

I have almost no time to settle it.

AND

I can't call anyone about it until TUESDAY.

Fuck this year. 
FUCK 2022.
FUCK IT WITH A JAGGED FORK.

Pod Recs

If you've been thinking about dipping your toes into listening to horror or SciFi podcasts and aren't sure where to start, these are some recommendations. 

The DECA Tapes: Hard SciFi/dystopian future/completed. 

We follow the crew of a slow ship traveling through space to a mining colony. Along the way, we find out some pretty nasty secrets.

DECA Tapes only has 8 episodes, so if you're not sure if you're ready to commit to something for several seasons, this is a good place to start.

The Magnus Archives: Horror/modern day/completed. 

We follow a prim and disgruntled archivist as he tries to organize boxes and boxes full of statements people have given about supernatural events. Things get really complicated as the dark secrets of the universe are revealed. 

TMA is probably one of the better-known podcasts of this kind. You've probably seen tons of memes over it and not even realized it. It's legit amazing.

Old Gods of Appalachia: horror anthology/points of American history/ongoing. 

This is a collection of stories about the people, places, and events in the Appalachia region of the US, a mountain range that is older than bones. It has bargaining tricksters, magical grannies, and monsters rooted deep in the rocks. 

If you love listening to people tell you stories, this is a good podcast for you. If you love cosmic horror stuff (Lovecraft or Machen), you will like this a lot.

The Silt Verses: magical reality horror/alt modern era/ongoing.

This podcast.  THIS PODCAST. This podcast is about a place where gods can be born via intention and belief. And then they want to feed. Corporations and governments are trying to control this, but they really can't. 

This podcast is the best thing I listened to last year. The two seasons they have out are enthralling with some of the most mesmerizing voice actors around. It's SO good.

All of these podcasts have unique storytelling, great world-building, and expansive mythologies (even if one of those mythologies is based on comics). They will give you hours of entertainment and a lot of stuff to think about.

What a Dame

I just finished touching up my nails and thought about how much I, personally, owe to Vivienne Westwood. So many things that I love to the core of my being, so many things that influence and inspire me, and so many things that have, at one point or another kept me alive, were directly or indirectly influenced by this woman. 

She died today and I've watched people I adore pouring out messages of gratitude to her, thanking her for being the foundation of the modern alt-fashion movement. How many people are selling their creations today because Westwood had the courage to open up a shop and call it Sex? How many people found the courage to be their true selves because Westwood showed us how sometimes the best thing to do was to brazenly and beautifully be the freak everyone accused you of being?

I painted my nails and thought about her. The goth in me demanded they be black. The punk in me demanded that I not clean the edges. A black splattered mess on my fingers, sloppy and messy and so very true to who I am. 

Thank you, Vivienne Westwood for daring to let your creations and ideas and questions and demands be seen, be sold, and become art. Thank you for everything.

Answers

There were some questions I needed to be answered before I started my plan. Today I got those answers and I feel optimistic about things. The van's battery is working. My windows will roll down. Looks like the last round of car repair worked. 

It's been a week since Tinkerbell passed. I still think I see her out of the corner of my eye. I still anticipate her weight on my shoulder. The house is lonely without her.

Last Week of the Year

The year is quickly winding down. The holidays are over and things will begin again. Given that 2022 was pretty awful, I would love to say I'm ready for it to begone. The problem is, I've reason to believe this next year will be worse, so, as always, I'm a little bit nervous about it.

What do I want out of the new year? I want my plan to work. I have a plan. I'm not ready to talk about it, but I have one. I want it to work. I want us to be safe. I want us to have good days and better days. I want us to accomplish the rather meager household goals we have. 

I think most of all I just want to live life without trepidation for a while. Things have gotten so scary. We deserve better than scary. I want things to be peaceful and secure and decent. 

Things have been scary for a while now. They need to calm down and let us rest. We, all of us, need rest and restoration. This is all just being too much.

A Good Holiday

My birthday was great! I stayed at home. Friends came to visit me. It was lowkey and wonderful. 

Christmas was also very good. We mostly just talked. We had a very good holiday dinner. It was nice.

There are two factors in all of this that caused issues. The first is that it is SO cold. It was better today, but in the days before, it was so very, very cold. 

The other issue, of course, is Tinkerbell. I miss her so much. It's difficult to adjust to her not being on my shoulder or sitting on my table. It's difficult to eat or drink something and not have her begging for it. I miss her energy. 

I miss her companionship. I miss the constant disagreement we had about where she should be sitting or how she should be digging her claws into me or why she has to block my view of my computer screen. I miss all of her quirks and plans and demands. She was so important to me and it hurts that she's gone. 

SO Cold

It got down to basically 1° last night and WOW it was cold. It was cold this morning too, but it got warmer. I think we hit a balmy 14° and that made such a difference.

BY THE WAY, I just got unlazy enough to Google how to make degree symbols. And now I will do it all the time. You do it by pressing down the Alt key and then typing 0176 on your numeric keyboard. 

Also I'm turning 49 tomorrow. 

Snow Day

Snow Days always sound so much better when you're a kid. 

Anyway, it snowed. We knew there would still be snow on the ground tomorrow so we planned on shopping today. Honestly, we should have gone yesterday, but with the Tink situation, that probably would have been impossible. 

I was so stressed about all of it that even though I DID get to keep my mailbox on the porch at least for another year, I just didn't care.

I mean, I should care. I should have been happy and victorious about it given all the humiliation and annoyance I had to go to to make that happen. And I DO care now that it's later in the day. 

Anyway, tomorrow is supposed to be horribly cold. Next week is supposed to be in the 60s. I'm sure my body will adjust to that just SO well. 

My Angel Tink

Tink has passed. She took her last breath while I was holding her. She knew she was safe and warmed and loved. 

I'm not going to process this for a while. She was very very old, but it still feels wrong that she's gone now. It feels wrong that all of them are gone.

JT and I have lived together for over 20 years. In that time, we sheltered many cats and grieved together when they left us.

Julian
Alice
Salem
Rhiannon
Rowan
Tink

Now, all we have is Millie. 

Millie and a house full of ghost cats.

Still With Us

Tinkerbelle is still with us, though it seems that it's just a matter of time. She's not in pain or scared or anything like that. She's just slowing down. 

We're keeping vigil.

I'm very tired of 2022 taking things from me.

Tink

Tinkerbell isn't doing well. At all. She's not eating much. She's only drinking a little. She's staying on me most of the time, even during the night.

We had The Talk today. We decided that she doesn't seem to be in pain and she clearly still has her own mind and will, so for now, we'll just keep watch over her and see if this is the path to her ending things on her own terms or if she just feels kinda bad because of the weather shift. 

I love this cat. It really sucks that cats don't live as long as humans. 

And Done

Holiday stuff with my family is over. I got some nice things. Most importantly, I got my pillows.

OH! A surprise gift. My brother had my mom's copy of JRRT's Unfinished Tales. It's super old and very awesome. I love it so much and I'm glad it's mine now.

Everyone liked the gifts I got them. So yay.

Holidaze

For the last several days the cat has been on my lap in such a way that I couldn't make blog posts. Don't make me try to explain.

All my gifts are wrapped. My roommate did the wrapping, which is why they look decent. Thank you to him. Tomorrow's shindig is still SO up in the air. My sister-in-law doesn't know when her play will be over now. I'm wondering if I shouldn't drive myself. Oh. And we have no idea what we're eating. Sigh.

Anyway, by this time tomorrow night, all of it will be over.

End of the Year Q&A

 Song of the year? Anoana Heilung It's one of those songs that reset your soul.

Album of the year? All Nerve The Breeders This album actually came out in 2018, but I only found it this year. It's the first album in a while that I've listened to all the way through, many times, and really thought about a lot.

Favorite musical artist / group you started listening to this year. alyona alyona, a Ukranian artist who raps fiercely and sings like a damned angel. 

Movie of the year? I think the one I enjoyed the most was the new Hellraiser. I know a lot of people were against it because of the gender switch, but I usually find genderswaps interesting and I did in this case as well. Better yet, the movie had a clear plot, which is rare in Hellraiser movies. 

TV show of the year? House of the Dragon. Great performances, great costuming. I love that we're learning more about the culture of dragon riders. The showrunners made some odd choices in how they structured the timeline, but I'm applying my 'all adaptations are alternative universes' philosophy and just letting it ride. 

Having said that, the content I enjoyed the most this year was podcasts.  I listened to the totality of The Magnus Archives. I caught up with Old Gods of Appalachia and The Silt Verses. I started The Black Tapes and Hello from the Hallowoods. All this is surpassed anything else media-wise.

Episode of tv or webisode that defined the year for you? It's from Old Gods of Appalachia and involved The Railroad Man and Jack trading barbs over who owed who what now. I'm always here for well-done trickster content. 

Favorite actor of the year? Méabh de Brún, who plays Sister Carpenter in The Silt Verses. If this list had a bit for Best Character Arc it would be Sister's Carpenter's over the first two seasons of the podcast. There is a moment when she accepts a certain something about herself that gave me the chills harder than anything else has in a long while. 

Best month for you this year? August, weirdly. It was hot but nothing screwed up. Basically, every other month was a stressful mess.

Something that made you cry this year? Okay a lot of stuff, but I want to go with one of the uplifting things and say that commercial where the guy makes his grandmother's recipe for the holiday meal and her ghost is watching him. 

Something you want to do again next year? Listen to podcasts. Create stuff.

And in relating back to the last question, just to put it out there, I would like to shed more tears this year over well-written fiction than over bullshit going wrong in the real world. Enough of that. Give us a year of peace and quiet. Give us a year to recover and be okay again. 

Favorite book you read this year? Blindsight by Peter Watts. I usually don't go for hard sci-fi, but this had vampires so I couldn't help myself. It ended up having the kind of nihilistic vision of the future that I assume will probably happen and questioning everything we value about ourselves. 

What’s something you learned this year? I really learned a lot about writing and writing techniques. They've changed a lot over the last decade and I think implementing the newer style has made my writing stronger. 

If you could send a message to yourself back on the first day of the year, what would it be? Shockingly, you will still be writing at the end of the year.

Did you keep any New Year’s Resolutions? I did, actually. My resolution was to spend the year writing fan fiction and I did. I am very proud of myself for that. I plan on having at least one more fic out before the year ends. 

The New Do

..........okay.

So the intentional part of my new hairstyle is that I dyed it black. It's a good black with a blue base and seems to have covered my gray nicely. And it smells good.

The UNintentional part of my new hairstyle is that.......

Okay.

Look.

So I got a set of clip-in bangs. I've not really figured out how to style it yet, but, the thing is.....well.

Sigh.

Okay. It needed to be trimmed. And I trimmed on it while it was on my head.

And I thought all of my hair was out of the way. I purposefully made sure all of my hair was out of the way. 

Hair moves though. Funny that.

I now have some really short, very blunt, need-to-be-fixed pixie bangs. Not on the wig. On my own head. 

Yeah.

So that's the new do. 

Yay?

And a Trickster Goes Down

In the world of The Silt Verses, gods must feed and they must be fed. That second part is always the kicker. Sacrifices have to be made and the humans have to decide which of their own they're going to send to the gods. 

This post contains lots of spoilers for The Silt Verses so only continue if you like to be spoiled. 

"And this is how you make it worse."

We don't meet Dennis in the first season, but his presence is felt. His daughter Paige, our third central character in the story, addresses him during her first episode. She is angry at how the life she has built for herself compromises her morals for the seduction of comfort, something she assumes her con artist father wouldn't view as a problem. 

She talks about how he only calls when he wants something (almost always money) and never really engages with her in a meaningful way. When she needs him to talk to her, he won't pick up the phone.

Through various other stories from Paige's POV, we learn that he used to use her in his cons. He would use anyone else he could as well, and often preyed on the bloated level of faith found within their world and certainly within his marks. It's quite clear that while Dennis is aware that the gods exist, it means little to him. In a world full of faith, he has none. 

How does he get away with this? Well, most of the time anyway? 

It has to do with the nature of Tricksters. Dennis is a con artist with many children and many lovers and a million stories to spin for those around him. He swindles and steals and beguiles. For this, they give him money. It is a small sacrifice on their part, but enough of one to allow him to move outside of the normal roads allowed. The gods don't bother him because they recognize something of themselves in him.

Even though Paige would hate to admit this, she operates in the same way. Paige is smart and very good at tricking people. She makes friends with the people who kidnap her and tricks a whole squadron of police just long enough that her friends can escape their clutches. When everything is said and done, she ends the first season as a cultural hero. 

In the first season, neither of them actively worships a god, but they certainly understand how to wield divine energy to their benefit.

"Who amongst us should be denied a second chance?"

In the second season, Paige decides she will create a god capable of saving everyone from the rest of them. She toys with various ideas, finally deciding on one that ends up making her a prophet.

She takes refuge in her father's home during this time. She doesn't expect him to be there, but he is. As she works on the creation of her god, Dennis criticizes and questions, and argues with all of it. 

And yet, he still participates in every facet of the divine creation. He does every part of the rituals and even helps Paige to find her first worshipper. Even though he has been painted as a grifter who will grift even his own child, he supports said child during this very vital point in her life.

Why?

I think it's because the biggest trick at play is that he's let her think he doesn't love her. He does though. Even though he thinks this is all a very bad idea, he still goes through with it because he has faith in her and what she's capable of. 

All the while, he continues to amplify his Trickster energy. Every interaction with anyone else is a swindle, even to the point of trying to con the person who helped them up to the very last second he can. 

This culminates as this story arc ends for the season. The police are after Paige and Dennis pretends to sell her out, leading the authorities to his house so she can be apprehended. 

The audience doesn't exactly know what is happening at the moment. We know that he arrived back home and told Paige and her friend that the cops were coming. This was right after Paige had stated he would probably sell them out eventually. 

Our next scene has him leading the cops to the basement where he claims he has them hidden. It looks as if Paige's predictions are coming true and he's going to turn them in to save himself.

Instead, Dennis is tricking the cops. And Paige, honestly. For all he argued with her about the god she created, in his last act, he summons that god and sacrifices himself to it, basically killing all of the authorities around him as well. 

This allows Paige to get out of the country safely, but it does something else as well. As her father is dying, Paige falls into a coma, more than likely because of all the power her god now has. All of her father's trickster energy is now part of her religion.

And it should be noted that the god Paige created is a trickster as well, or at least, allows those about to be sacrificed to be tricksters. The god is a god of martyrs. If called upon, it will arrive when someone is being sacrificed to another god and consume that sacrifice before they can. It doesn't save the person who is about to die, but it starves the diety they were intended for and gives them a small measure of power within the situation. 

The sacrifice itself becomes a trick, which is probably something that amused Dennis to no end. He died proud of his kid. He died for his kid. These are two things she never thought the was capable of, which is another trick as well.  

Magic Christmas

 I don't have like a lot of supergreat memories of childhood and the holidays, but when I was 13, I was in this rare place of peace where my mother was between husbands. 

She was in college. My brother and I were doing well in school, and things were, for once, looking up. 

When Christmas break started, she bought a little tree. Think Charlie Brown tree, but maybe with a little more fullness. She brought it home and strung it with lights. 

We made little paper ornaments for it. I don't think it would have held anything heavier than that and we had no idea where the ornaments we used to have had ended up in the series of moves and divorces and flights from bad situations.

Once the tree was decorated, it was nice and festive. Mom decided to take it a step further and strung lights over the whole living room. Suddenly we went from festive to magical.

Most of that winter break was spent with the three of us just hanging in the living room with all the lights off except for the holiday ones. We talked more than we had in a long time. Sometimes it was serious, sometimes just goofy stuff. 

Mom always referred to the year she was 32 as the year of the Magic Christmas. She said she never remembered being happier. As far as my childhood years are concerned, I agree. 

Avatars

I got to finally do my avatar on Facebook. It's far more flattering than it should be, but whatever.  They don't allow them to be fat enough. It isn't like I don't edit my pictures anyway.

Anyway, it was fun. I enjoyed it a lot. I'm glad I finally did it.

And Yet Another Hit

My car window hasn't been interested in rolling down in a while. Now when I roll it down, it doesn't want to roll up either. That's more dangerous. 

So I made an appointment to get it fixed and have my oil changed. That will happen next Friday. I'm really hoping this is an easy fix and the car doesn't screw up in other, special ways and that they don't try to gaslight me about nothing being wrong.

Look. I have PLANS for that week before Christmas. I have things I need to do. I need everything to function and be okay. 

I broke down a little day because this has been a year full of things just not working for me. Apps that work for everyone else just don't work for me. My computer broke. My phone broke. A game I wanted to play just to soothe my brain wouldn't work. The van won't run.  They can't seem to fix it. Everything is just....why can't it work? Please, just let some of it work.

Ugghh. Anyway. *shakes head*

Ugh

I was having a good day until someone posted something about the dean of a private school. The title of the article was clickbait and the article as a whole was pretty full of red flags. The whole thing was very much aligned with this current hellish queer panic thing we're having to endure. 

I hope the poor dean of this school doesn't get shot. I hope his school isn't terrorized.

Anyway, it really brought me down. 

Also the cats are really on my nerves. They keep knocking everything down and clawing me.

Plans and Plans

The family tossed out some tentative dates for when we would have our holiday party thing. I liked one more than the other two and did my best to subtly push for it. I hope it works. 

I bought a game I've not played in years today. It's SO GOOD to have it again. So wonderful. Seriously. Much thanks to my roommate for locating it.

The Conclusion of Krampusgate

 

• My hometown is about 11,000 people.

• It's in the Bible Belt and most in my town reflect this.

• Every year, we have a Christmas parade.

• This year, one of the businesses decided to feature Krampus.

• Chaos.

• Seriously, within hours of people finding out about this, there were chain texts going around, proclaiming that someone was going to be THE DEVIL at the parade.

• The business's Facebook page had over 800 comments.

• Lots of stuff about the Devil.

• Lots of comments about how people should learn to use Google.

• One woman commented that she suspected we were the town that Footloose was based on.

• Of course, because of course, some people started making threats against the business.

• And against the people who work there.

• And against Krampus.

• And probably against the Devil, but I'm not sure about that.

• The mayor got involved.

• On Facebook.

• Sigh.

• He said that he would ask them to not do this thing, but he couldn't stop them.

• He assured everyone that the parade was about CHRISTmas and not the Devil.

• Then he used Google and realized what Krampus was.

• His post has been deleted.

• People had had enough.

• Songs were made up.

• “They're bringing Krampus back. And all the fundies don't know how to act.”

• One of my friends invented a minion of Krampus that he named after our home town.

• There is now a backstory and art.

• We plan on making it a holiday.

• When the parade happened, no one did anything violent.

• Krampus was there. Most people just took pictures with him.

• Someone commented that if you ignored the robe and the horns, he basically just looks like any other old dude in our town.

Quiet Saturday

After the week we had, we needed things to be quiet for a bit. Last night the washer screwed up and we had to have someone come fix it. This involved us scrambling to get soaking wet clothes out of it. That was annoying. 

Anyway, it's fixed. I really hope the rest of December is quiet. We need that. This year has been A LOT. I mean, August was okay, but that says a lot doesn't it, given that August is hot as hell. 

Local Evil

It seems my ignorant little town has decided to freak out about the Krampus. A local business wanted to do a Krampus display and instead of using Google to figure out what this means, everyone freaked out because they think it was the Devil.

Bwahahahhahahhhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. HA!

So people started freaking out and sending text messages and calling the mayor and throwing fits about it. Wow. Way to disrespect people's traditions. 

For Nothing

I don't handle pelvic exams well. Sometimes I'm fine. The lucky times. The rest of the time, reactions can include panic attacks, hives, or crying. For hours afterward, I still feel the violation. 

I knew I couldn't avoid having a pelvic exam the next time I went to the doctor. Because of this, I avoided going to the doctor. That isn't rational, I know, but our reactions to fear aren't rational.

Then we got this letter from the post office saying they would remove the mailbox from our porch and put it out by the street. This causes any number of issues. For one thing, it requires us to put up a mailbox. This isn't an easy thing for disabled people. For another, it means we have to get out there TO said mailbox, which increases in difficulty depending on the weather.

We were given a form to fill out if we wanted to continue to receive mail at our door. It requires a medical provider's statement and signature. 

So I KNEW I had to make an appointment. I knew I couldn't avoid the pelvic exam if I went. I also knew that if I just dropped the form by her office, it might take days for her to have the time to fill it out. 

Now understand, as much as I wanted to avoid the pelvic exam, I actually wanted to avoid playing the 'fill out the form' chase even more. That could lead to days and days of stress and annoyance. That sounded like hell, a far longer hell than the alternative. So I made the appointment.

And every single day before that appointment, I was scared. I dreaded it. I dreaded it so much and I would have to talk myself off the edge and force myself NOT to think about it. And when the stress would get too much, I would remind myself that as much as I hated the idea of enduring the exam, at least the whole mailbox ordeal would be overwith and out of my hands. 

So I went to the appointment. I endured what happened there. I got the signature I needed. 

My roommate talked to the mail carrier. She said it was basically useless to fill out the form because they never really let anyone keep their box. He tells me this and then has to run an errand. I sit there and stew in my anger over the fact that I just dealt with this exam and it was useless....but then I soothed myself by realizing that even if it doesn't work, the annoyance of the paperwork is over and at least I didn't have to play chase with my doctor.

Today we took the form to the post office and they tell us it isn't enough. There were supposed to be some other forms with the one they sent. These forms need to be filled out and oh guess what!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

There. Is. Another. Formal. Medical. Statement. That. Needs. To. Be. Given. To. My. Medical. Provider. 

I did not want the pelvic exam. I knew I couldn't avoid it if I went into the office. But I went into the office and lived through that because more than anything more than anything I wanted to avoid playing chase with some fucking form.

But no.

We took the form to the clinic. I have to call back tomorrow to remind them we did this because of course my doctor isn't even IN THE OFFICE today. At the earliest, I can, perhaps, get the form on Friday. 

But probably not. I'll probably have to call again. And again. AND AGAIN. And come off as some nag. And come off as some stupid person who didn't have the proper forms. And the one thing in the world that I wanted LESS than someone's fingers inside me is now the thing I will have to deal with for probably days. 

All for nothing, because they almost never actually grant the thing I'm asking for. 

Post Appointment

I have seen the doctor. I had the poking and prodding and blood-taking done. I'm a bit overwhelmed by all of it. I'm treating myself quite gently right now. I don't want to break out in hives. That happens sometimes when I have certain exams done. 

The van was also taken to the mechanic. They said they fixed it. Hopefully, they did. We're all sick of Van Drama. 

Tomorrow Dread

Ugh. I have to go to the doctor's tomorrow. Ugh, I have to let them do invasive stuff to me. Ugh, I don't want to. 

I want to just sit in the house and work on some writing and hold my needy cat and forget I even have a body. 

I hate going to the doctor. I hate having to feel like I have to justify my existence. I hate having to expose myself and be bled and poked and prodded and all the rest of that. Hate it so much. 

Why yes, I am an adult. Why yes, I am acting like a child. 

The Price

This is one of the many videos more open and love-based religious people have been posting about the current situation with Evangelicals and Trump. I posted this one because I think one of the points he makes is important and very sad.

I said that any time a faith-based organization sells its integrity for worldly power, the cost will always be immense. In this case, because so many church leaders pushed their people toward Trump and right-wing radicalism, the cost was their congregation. In many cases, they will never be able to pull these people back from their current state. They have left Christianity and now belong to a hate cult. 

It's scary to think about. And I have to wonder how many of these church leaders realized how far this would go. In some cases, they will now find that their flock would rather burn down the church than walk away from Trump. 

It's going to take a long time for the church to recover from this. In some cases, they might not.

Dark Saturday

I am not sure there was sun today. It was so dark and dreary. It finally started raining and the rain sounds cold and thick. 

I checked the forecast and thankfully Tuesday won't be wet. I have to deal with going to the doctor and having something rather invasive happen. My plan was to just go back home and hide in my room for a while afterward, but circumstances changed and I have to go out and deal with some other stuff afterward. Sigh.

Anyway, Scribbles and Drabbles dropped today. My stories haven't gotten much traction, but the collection is huge so I'm not too worried yet. I know my work is good.

Thanksgiving

 The meal was very good. I took a nap. The cat has decided she should sit on my lap and be hidden under a blanket. Cats are weird.

I hope your day went well.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving

Am I thankful?

Yes. I have read great things this year. I have listened to excellent podcasts. I have written and written and written. I found some outstanding music and got back into some vampire stuff. Which is fun. So fun.

The world is crumbling around us. People are insane and violent and feel entitled to kill and destroy. I can't change that. I can't stop that. Monsters only change when they want to. The best you can do is keep yourself safe if you can. 

Dust Bunnies

I needed to replace a shelf thing. Okay, honestly, I need a long dresser but given that I can't afford that and have no idea how I would get it in the house, I have cheaper easier-to-handle solutions.  One of them broke and so I replaced it.

I decided to use this to do some room organizing. I cleared out a billion dust bunnies, removed all the outdated hair/beauty stuff, and put all the boxes into one box. 

The storage unit that broke was scavenged for the parts that still work. I turned one of them into storage in my room for something else and the other two shelves now function as storage in the living room. 

Everything looks better. It's not ideal, but it's better. Hopefully it will stay that way for a while. 

Smile

I watched Smile. I really liked it. It had a better kind of version of the plot of It Follows. Say what you want about nepobabies, Sosie Bacon is a phenomenal actor. She really sold this movie. 

I'm also listening to The Silt Verses and it is incredible. It delves into faith and corruption and corporate jadedness so well. I've been consistently blown away by the episodes. 

Cold and Wet Friday

The van still isn't starting well. We're taking it in on Tuesday. Hopefully, it will be fixed this time. The van is old, but hopefully, we have a few more years out of it. Going into the holiday week, I'm looking for a time of peace and quiet. We need that.

I worked on my knitting some today. Mostly I just held the very cold cat. 

Needless Trouble

Okay, I needed to make a doctor's appointment but I really resent that events caused me to HAVE TO do so. So I guess I'm going to the doctor on the 29th to get some stuff handled that probably won't get handled. Ugh. So annoying. 

I posted a chapter. I did zero knitting today because somehow this whole thing is now a THING. 

I just want to be left the hell alone, in peace, to think my own thoughts and make my own stories and art. I don't see why that is too much to ask.

Warmer

I finished one arm warmer today. It's black and purple checkers. I'm going to do the other one in black and tan (I ran out of purple), make it with a tighter stitch, and add a check. Hopefully, I'll have that one finished by Friday.

I took a nap today. I'm staying tired due to the darkness and cold. The cats are as well. One has been camped out on my shoulder most of the day. She's staying as close to me as possible. 

November Snow

It snowed! It was just a light dusting, but still! It snowed in November and that is just so crazy!

I'm making arm warmers because my jacket's arms aren't long enough. This is an annoying thing that often happens to my long-sleeved clothes. Making arm warmers will help deal with that. 

And okay, clearly, as it's snowing before Thanksgiving, it's possible we could have a pretty cold winter.

The Weird Song

I may have mentioned this before, but there is a song on my MP3 player from about 10 years ago that doesn't exist. Seriously.

So it was this free download back when I first joined Facebook and they had stuff like that with their music promotion. I loved the song so much. But when my grandmother died, I associated it with her death for some reason and stopped listening to it, then I switched the player I was listening to music on and the GoGear got put away.

A few years ago, I wanted to hear the song again and looked it up. And could not find it. Anywhere. I thought maybe I had the band's name wrong and just brushed it off as my aging memory. 

Recently my current music player died and I pulled the GoGear back out. I also put all of the music I had stored on it onto my computer. And in the files was That Song. I listened to it and realized I wasn't wrong about the band name or the title of the song. 

It's just...I still can't find it anywhere when I Google it. I tried to find the lyrics and I can't find it that way either. I think this song is a Mandela thing. 

Finished Fics

The three fics I did for Scribbles and Drabbles have been submitted. I've been working on them off and on for a while and it's nice to know I completed them.

I did this challenge because I only had to write 100 words, which took some of the pressure off of the situation. One of them is about 1000 and the other one is very close to being 2000. The last one, however . . .

Okay, the last one is 10,000. It is a supremely indulgent gothic romance with vampires. Written as a series of letters. Like I said, SO indulgent. I love it so much though. 

Finished Scarf

I finished my new infinity scarf. I like this one better than the other one. I think it will be the public scarf and the first one will be the one I wear around the house to keep warm. 

Trying to get the final bits ready for my submissions to Scribbles and Drabbles. I have the link to one artist's work but not the other two. Hopefully, I'll have those by tomorrow. If not, I can always add them later, of course. 

Intense Day

Therapy was a lot today. It kind of wrecked me. It hurt. I mean, it needed to, really. It ripped me apart. I'm not sure if I'm okay, honestly. I'm just not sure. 

In any case, it was a step, I think. It just hurt a lot and I'm still reeling from it. 

Ready

I finished my editing about 20 minutes ago. I did my work for therapy this week. I mailed my ballot in several weeks ago. In short, I've done what I can to be prepared if these midterm elections put a bunch of conservatives in power.

I would also like to point out that it pisses me off that I have to take steps like this. If our country was sane and reasonable, I wouldn't have to do any of this. Outside of the president and a couple of key members of congress, I shouldn't HAVE to know the names of these people. I shouldn't have to worry about how they may wreck my life or what stupid crap they may say. 

If things were decent and reasonable, we would not elect people who would dream of wrecking the lives of others or saying horrible, evil things about citizens of their own country. If they wanted to change things and truly believed in those changes, they would take steps to ensure that their changes didn't cause harm. They would do the work, the actual work needed to make sure people didn't suffer. 

Unfortunately, that isn't the country I live in. It should be. It's not unreasonable that it COULD be. But it isn't, and that makes me very tired.

Friday Observations

There was a big storm tonight and I freaked out a little. Again. I'm not sure how often this is going to happen. Probably until I have some kind of assurance that wat happened this summer won't happen again. 

It sucks that I can't even enjoy storms anymore. I used to, you know. But I guess that's gone now.

I need to pay more attention to things. I was thinking about crap I can't control and almost knocked into someone while changing lanes. It was stupid and I'm pretty pissed at myself about it. 

I need to edit stuff tonight. Probably best I get the bulk of my editing finished before Tuesday. I can't control what happens on Tuesday. I can only control my ability to edit until it happens. 

Inspired

The last two stories I wrote for my AU just really changed things around. One of them was just a fun little smut thing for a fan, but I gave some details about characters I'd not considered before. Now I think I want to alter things somewhat. Just a bit. It still works with what had been planned, but it adds some to it. Ties up some loose ends. 

ALSO, I think I'm finished with the side projects. I have a week to edit them. Two will be easy as they're small. The other one is bigger but if I space it out, it shouldn't be too much trouble. So yay on that. No, seriously YAY. I've been working on those for a while now.

I finished TMA. The ending was logical, but two of the characters did something I really hate. Still though, very worth my time. Glad I listened to it. Seriously. Wow. Amazing work.

Quiet Wednesday

Today was quiet and mostly easy. We found out they'll be working on our gas line (which is curious, as they just did that this summer) but hopefully, it won't screw anything up. We just recently got a new heater and I don't want things going wrong with it already.

I'll probably finish The Magnus Archives tonight. I wrote some already and will knit as I listen. 

One of the crochet pattern makers that I follow is putting out a free pattern for a loose hooded tunic thing on Monday. She said it will go up to 5X. That isn't big enough for me but given that I often crochet large anyway, maybe I could make it work with some experimenting. If nothing else, it will be fun just to do the pattern on one of the kid sizes (if I can manage it). That's for later though. Deeper into winter. 

Skating Along

The cheap phone I was using as a non-phone media device died. I didn't have tons on it, just some games and music, a few books. Still, it kept me entertained and allowed me to listen to stuff while I was waiting in the car. 

Not sure how that will get replaced, but in the meantime, I have my ancient of days mp3 player charging. I'm hoping I didn't factory reset it before I stopped using it and all its music is still on there. 

In a strange way, I feel a little excited about this. It's been so long since I used this one and post-Trump life just feels so fraught that something from the Obama Era seems safe and clean and happy. 

Halloween 2022

When we were coming home from shopping, some man was in the middle of the street. I stayed behind him for a bit, but he never would move out of the way. He had unleashed dogs with him. 

Finally, I honked. He turned and started yelling at me, then yelling at his dogs to get out of the way. I wished him a Happy Halloween, but probably with more acid than I should have.

I feel bad. He should have gotten out of the way. He had to have known I was there. I don't know. It got out of hand. I'm not sure what his mental state was. Mine hasn't been good for weeks. It's probably like that for everyone.

The New Device

The van has An Issue with the battery running down when it gets cold. My roommate did some research and purchased a portable jump starter. 

It's pretty adorable. It's compact and not that heavy. It takes about three hours to charge it via USB but then it seems to hold the charge for quite a while. It started the van quickly and only took about a quarter of the power.

Besides jump-starting vehicles, it can also charge phones with USBs and has several high-powered flashlight options. Overall, I believe it to be a very practical device. 

I published a story yesterday and wrote on one tonight. I need to finish some side projects this week. 

Workbook Stuff

 I received my work for therapy. It's only a chapter from the workbook we'll be doing. Two weeks to read through twelve pages and do whatever is required of me seems more than reasonable. 

I liked doing the journal stuff, but we did notice that my mood is very unstable from day to day. Not sure what to make of that yet.

The New Journey

So I define myself as a failure. I wish that wasn't the case, but it is. I always expect myself to fail at everything and usually, that's what happens. I told my therapist that I wanted to work on this as our next project. 

Of course, I do not think this will work. Hah. I guess that's kind of the crux of defining myself as a failure. I assume there is no way to escape it. In my mind, this isn't pessimism as much as it's just me being realistic about the situation. Perhaps I'm wrong.

We'll see.

The Secret House

I dreamed my mother left me a house. In the dream, I was told she had a secret second house that she wanted me to have. The problem was, no one knew its location.

So I searched for the house and all the while, I just felt this intense level of acceptance and recognition. She'd me something. Something that was specifically mine.

When I finally found the house, it was small and cramped, full of rooms that made no sense, just strange angles, more like a collection of poorly thought-out hallways. Every room was full of boxed and trash, all set on 1970s carpet, thick and dirty and dark green.

I needed to use the bathroom and went to look for one. There wasn't a bath'room' so much as another hallway with two stalls against one wall. One stall housed a shower and the other a toilet. The problem was, the toilet was at the bottom of a steep four-foot incline. It was covered in red tiles and slick. I knew if I tried to get down there, it would be impossible for me to get back out.

“This is useless,” I said. “I can't use anything here at all.”

I woke up.

Dust Bunnies and Old Plastic

 I finished folding the towels. I've had some time to get used to the new chair and there are things I really like about it. For now, until this part screws up, it has great back support. It actually makes things like folding laundry a lot easier for me. 

I didn't write anything, but that's fine. I published yesterday. I worked on the scarf, but that was difficult because it was warmer. I vacuumed around my bed because my ancient fan lost its bottom last night and got old decrepit plastic and dust bunnies all over my floor. 

October has been annoying. I'm really hoping the last week of it is calm and drama free. 

All the Wind

 It was dusty and windy today. For some reason, that wore on me. Even though I only did some minimal household chores, the wind seemed to exhaust me and make everything harder.

I also edited and posted a chapter of a story. It felt good to accomplish something, even if I've only gotten one comment on it so far. I still have a lot of other writing to finish and edit. For tonight though, I think I'm going to not let that weigh on me and just knit and listen to a podcast. 

I did spend some time looking out the backdoor. I watched as all the wind pulled on the giant tree in my neighbor's backyard. The limbs were rocking back and forth as the leaves, dried out and preparing to fall, brushed against each other. It made me happy. I really do love that tree.

Yells at Cloud

This is going to be such an Old Lady Rant. Whatever. It's still how I feel. 

Today we were at the tag office and a FedEx truck blocked us in. He parked lengthwise behind us and several other cars.

We were all in designated parking spaces.  

He was parked in the driving area, basically blocking everyone's access. 

There were many free places where his truck would have fit and it honestly wouldn't have been that many more steps for him. 

Oh and also, my roommate was behind the car, putting the new little tag sticker on the licence. He saw him there and could deduce that we were about to leave. 

So he goes in and I assume he's just picking up packages and will be out in a minute. He comes back out with no packages and gets in his truck only to get out of it again, with a package and go back inside. Then he stays and stays and stays. 

He comes back out and gets in his truck again. I think he's going to leave this time (finally) but instead he gets out to stroll back into the office. 

I look at him as he's walking by and offer out a cheerful yet firm, "Dude! I have groceries in the back." 

He looks at me and acts like it JUST OCCURRED TO HIM that people might want to leave and his big ass truck is in the way. He nodded to me and smiled and moved out of the way. 

Here's the rant part. That is the second time a delivery truck has done that to me. In both cases, they had plenty of other spaces to park, ones they could have gotten in and out of with no problems, even if their trucks were larger. In both cases, they blocked the driving area and stayed inside the buildings for quite a while. 

It's just so very inconsiderate. Don't do this. Don't block other people like that. It's rude and you have no idea what kind of time restraints that other person might be under. 

New Chair

The chair is together! It's sitting in the laundry room and will now serve several functions for me. It has a metal base. The wheels are plastic but they can always be replaced. In fact, though they are more expensive, I'll probably eventually invest in some heavy-duty chair wheels. Most of the people my size recommend them.

For the most part, the day was quiet. We needed that. Tomorrow we have to go out and pay bills, get flu shots, and other stuff. 

It's supposed to get very cold tonight. Many of the fans have been put away. I guess the seasonal change thing may actually finally happen.

Hopeful Progress

 We have an appointment on Thursday to have the yard handled. The man came by today and discussed terms with us. I really deeply hope that this works. Yard Drama needs to conclude. 

The person I helped with their knitting project sent me a pic of their work and thanked me for my help. That felt nice, even though I basically only told them what to look for on Youtube. 

The anxiety was pretty bad today, but I took a nap and that helped quite a lot. We watched Charlie Brown Halloween tonight, as is our ritual during October. It always makes me very happy. 

I didn't write anything today, but I did some planning. I knitted quite a lot. 

On Reflection

 Last night was bad. After the mircoburst, I'm still very fearful about storms. There was a lot of wind and some monstrous cracks of thunder. It woke me up several times. I hate being fearful. I want to be brave about this stuff but it seems impossible sometimes.

I wrote some and worked on the scarf. It's supposed to get cold this week so I need to adjust some stuff around in my room. I need to build the chair that will sit in my room now. It's cool enough to do that and it needs to happen.

The bush trimming guy is supposed to be by in the morning. I hope that works out well and we get the yard work happening and over with. On reflection, I think I started trying to get this settled too late in the year. Next year I'm going to try to sort out the October bushes during the summer. I won't have the actual deed done until October, but I want it lined up at least by July.

Hot Saturday

 It was annoyingly hot today. I have a deep, bitter resentment against the hot days past the start of October. I wasn't in a good mood. My mind was trying to swing me into anxiety and I did my best to fight it. This primarily involved knitting, reading, and listening to a horror podcast. 

On the subject of knitting, I was able to give someone advice. They had a problem with a vague pattern and its instructions. I was able to figure out what the pattern's author was trying to get at. Between the two of us, we found some Youtube tutorials for her. Youtube basically teaches us everything now.

I made some progress on the infinity scarf. I wrote nothing besides this entry, but with my nerves on edge, writing is almost impossible anyway.

First Fall Project

 After I wrote last night, I started on my first knitting project for the season. As I still need to stash bust, I'm taking some yarn and making an infinity scarf. I need a new one because the old ones are never quite big enough and never quite wide enough. This one will be. I'll make it as big as needed in order to suit my purposes. 

I also wrote a mock review of Rings of Power, using a character related to the work as my focus. It was the best way for me to handle my vast disappointment with the show. 

Another Week

The weather was glorious today. I wish it would have been less stressful. I spent the morning trying to contact the man who was supposed to handle the yard work. He finally confessed that he wouldn't have time. Had he said this on Monday, I would have just moved on to the next option. Basically, this is another week wasted.

Presumably, someone will be by on Monday to look over the yard and give us an estimate. I can't even begin to tell you how nervous this makes me. I have an upper end in my mind where I will feel fine about the whole thing. Past that....well, we'll still have to pay for it anyway so what does it even matter. Hopefully, it won't be more than what my mind views as acceptable. 

To console myself, I did research on the results of heavier people who have top surgery to remove their breasts. It's unlikely I'll ever be able to do this, but it's nice to dream. 

In both cases, with the plants in the yard and with my breasts, these are situations where I have to deal with things I never would have wanted or asked for. If I had my way, both would be simplified and flat. Flat chest. Flat yard. Both would be clean, organized,  and free of potential problems.  

Half Out of Purgatory

Today was beautiful. I was able to get out and go to the park. The sun shimmered on the water like diamonds. The birds were basking in its light and so was I. I might be so immobile I have to experience Nature from inside my car, but it's still worth it.

When I got home, the handyman had installed the heater. It's bigger than the last one and I feel it has a better personality. I didn't get to say goodbye to the last one and I regret that. 

Thank you, last heater, for your service. 

As I said, the new one has a lot of personality. While he is a Mr. Heater, I think his name is Barnabas. Welcome, Barnabas, to our home.

Home Repair Purgatory

We had two people who were supposed to come and do things to the house today. They were supposed to arrive during the morning hours. One came at 4:30 in the afternoon. The other one wouldn't even answer phonecalls. 

Look, I get it. Things get in the way. That's fine. Please let me know. Let me know that you will be three, five, all of the hours late. Please let me know when you just can't do the thing. It's fine. Please tell me so I can make other arrangements. 

Anyway, we need to replace the heater. Now we have to wait for someone to come over and do that.

Busy Week

This week has a lot of uncertainty to it. We have two handymen on call, one for the yard, and one for the heating stove. I hope things get handled. I hope it doesn't cost a lot of money. I really hope they don't show up at the same time and do some kind of battle.

The stove not working was basically the last straw on my already fraying nerves. I had a nasty little panic attack about the whole thing, finally calming myself down enough to focus on plans. I'm so bad at this.

On the plus side, House of the Dragon was magnificent. 

Sigh

Been trying to take care of some things that need to happen on a timely schedule and they're not working. It's annoying. I'm not annoyed that it has to happen. Well, I'm a little annoyed because it isn't something I ever wanted to begin with and now I have to deal with it, but aside from just having all of it removed, what can I do? 

It's going to cost money and that's fine, so long as it isn't TOO much money. There's no way I can control that part though. I just want it over with. Fuck the yard. If I ever get to move and I have any say on what kind of yard I have, it's all concrete paths and raised beds for plants. And there probably won't be plants.

Swinging Reality

One of my favorite aspects of Hellraiser is how swiftly reality alters when the puzzle box is activated. Walls will just swing open, revealing horrors behind them. Chains shoot out. Things happen very quickly.

I love this so much because it shows how, in this version of reality, OUR ideas about reality are very limited. They are also simply a veneer, one easily ripped away to reveal the dark truths underneath.

It's possible that the veneer only exists in our minds. It could just be a way for our brains to cope with all the weird nastiness going on around us. When you start messing with the Lament Configuration, it could be that your brain just stops being able to shield you from what's really happening all around you all the time. 

In Clive Barker's worlds, knowledge is a very grave thing.

I Spoke Too Soon

After I wrote my post last night, the sinks in the bathroom and kitchen clogged. So at midnight plumbing panic was happening. I guess I spoke too soon.

Today was lowkey. I got some writing done.I tried not to be too down. 

A Good Day

Despite stomach issues, I managed to accomplish the things I needed to do today. I needed some witnesses and signatures for things. Everything is signed. Rent is paid. I even found out some information about a phone company and made a decent suggestion to a friend.

Oh. I also sent my gift list to my stepmom. 

Beyond that, I may have figured out a reasonable docking station for the stuff I need charged that won't fall on the floor. SO yay. 

Productive Tuesday

I finished a fic today. It's edited and posted. I'm pleased. I worked on another fic as well. If I'm so inclined, I might do some more writing in a bit.

Tinkerbell needed a lot of attention today. She's mostly been on my shoulder. Right now she's sleeping against my chest. She made it through another summer and I'm so happy about that.

Loretta Lynn died. I loved that woman. I can't remember a time when she wasn't part of the cultural landscape. She came from nothing and did very, very well for herself. The world is a lonelier place with her gone. 

Really Now

Today sucked. 

Everything went wrong. Every public machine I needed to use was screwed up. Everything took three times longer than it should have. Every plan I had for the week blew up.

I think I've made alternative plans to get some stuff handled. I need some things to happen this week. Hopefully the alternative plans will work out. 

IwtV First Impressions

Thoughts on AMC's Interview with the Vampire Episode 1

Old Daniel is giving Anthony Bourdain vibes.

I'm okay with the framing of the earlier version being some kind of drug-induced fever dream/no one wanted to talk about the truth. As my roommate pointed out, I usually hate that kind of thing, but it usually comes at the end and usually as a way to handwave not having any kind of strong ending/way to fix things.

I'm not sure how I feel about them setting it in 2022 though. In some ways, that's intriguing, but does that mean that everything happening before this in the timeline won't have happened? No Lestat waking up, reading Louis's book, and deciding to become a rockstar? 

Has he been sleeping this whole time then? Will he wake up now and decide to become? What? Still a musician? That won't feel very modern for him. Will he go on Tiktok? Youtube beauty influencer? 

Okay, that could mean we get some kind of big vampire battle between Lestat and Jeffree Star...lots of hissing and ten-inch pink fingernails. 

The winner gets the branding.

Anyway.

The dynamic between Daniel and Louis is very, very good. Daniel is clearly terrified, but he's also old and bitter, and sarcastic now. He's also amazingly good at it. 

The lighting on the show is very good. The camera work is very good. A lot of shows recently and I won't name them here, have been really bad about jarring their sets (and your ability to be drawn into them) with pretty shoddy lighting choices. The showrunners know what they're doing.

I like that we see Louis's family. That adds a nice level of depth to the story, as does his complicated relationship with his faith. Complicated relationships with faith have always been a Rice theme, so we should be seeing it already. 

Everything line of Lestat's dialogue is ridiculous. But don't blame that on bad script writing. Lestat talking that way is canon. 'Overwrought and dramatic' is his default state.

Ohh mentions of Nicki made my heart twinge. I caught at least three. One was outright, the other two more subtle. It always seemed to me that a lot of Lestat's last hold on humanity was tied to his love/mourning for Nicki. Establishing that early on is a good idea.

In every direction, even before Lestat shows up, Louis's situation is impossible. He's miserable. He won't be less miserable with Lestat in his life, but at least the focus of why he's miserable mostly narrows to 'has to be around Lestat' and that will make everything else seem easier.

They did the trope of 'happiest of days and we watched the sunrise before tragedy' but they did it well. It pulled all the right heartstrings, even if you can feel the moves as they happen.

Lestat intruding into someone's funeral march to bitch because he's being ignored is absolutely something Lestat would do.  See, that's the key to this character. The only thing you can do to characterize him improperly is to make him act well-adjusted and reasonable. This is someone who thinks about HIMSELF and maybe a few other people, but only the in context of how they should be thinking about him/watching him/reacting to him. “Ohhh! I hope my beloved mother is well! She needs to continue existence so she can witness all of my adventures!” 

“Gabrielle! Maman! Did you see my review of the new Smashbox lip glosses? I got so many views. Did you comment? Did you watch it? Watch it again. No, no. Turn on your camera so I can watch you watch it. But pretend as if it is the first time you are watching it!!”

The last act of the show was a bit clunky. They need to work on getting their vampirism to look seamless and right now it just really doesn't. The eroticism level wasn't quite there. Close. It's almost, but not QUITE. 

Having said that, the look on Lestat's face right before he bit him was PERFECT.

In conclusion, for the most part, I was pleased. 

Keep in mind that my bar for vampire content is very very low and I enjoy dramatic trashy things in general. 

But for what I wanted out of the show, and by that I mean I wanted a beautiful dramatic sexy vampire romp, the show delivered. I wasn't bored. I wasn't baffled at why everything was so bad. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next.

October

Ahh, my favorite month of the year is here. Thanks to Hulu, I can basically watch scary stuff every day and I plan on watching/seeing as much as I can. I want my October to be festive af this year.

We've already put up our decorations, all six of them. I'm very pleased to see them back on display. Some things are sitting in new positions this year and I like that as well.

The weather is lovely. I'm sleeping well at night. It was a good start to the month.

The Net Stuff Continues

The internet outages have somehow screwed with other aspects of our system. This is getting old and annoying very quickly. It isn't too much to ask that things work.

Anyway, I have writing to do and memes to chuckle at. I mean, assuming I get to see the memes given that the internet might die again.

Internet Issues

The internet has gone out three times this week. The customer service people were rude. We're not happy with the new owners of the company at all, and yet I'm not really sure if any of the other options available to us will be any better.

I'm really tired of the basic services not working. I get that the world is awful now and nothing really works all that well, but still. Ugh. Something needs to get better.

Cooler Days

It was cooler today. As in, it was actually pleasant. It was very nice. I'm pleased with the weather. This is something that should always be commented on so it's not just all the complaining.

I started on a story I promised someone today. I also worked on one of my side projects. That will probably be what happens writing-wise for the rest of the week. 

This is the last week of September. I'm really hoping that Fall really begins to happen. I'd like a nice, fun Fall. It's been a while. 

Controlling

For a long time, conventional wisdom held that the more you tried to deny someone of a thing, the more they wanted the thing. This is especially true for children and teens. Even if they don't like a certain kind of cookie, if you tell them they can't have it, they'll want it more than ever before.

Actually, I'm pretty sure this is still true. People just keep forgetting it.

Case in point, there is a new trend with parents for them to COMMIT to deprive their children/teens of phone time. No phone at night or no phone on the weekends or no phone during one day. 

This will backfire. 

This is just going to make those kids/teens want their phones more. It's just going to make them prioritize the phone as SO IMPORTANT. It's stupid and it's controlling and it's bad parenting. 

If you don't want your kids talking to pedos or scammers, teach your kids about pedos and scammers. Teach them how these people operate and the ways they try to draw people in. 

It's more work, and yes it means really taking a hard look at the religious and political influencers in your own life who might be using those same techniques, but that is a good idea as well.

Whenever I see stuff like this, I think about how many kids out there are only getting through their day because they have some bright points online. They have a place to really shine and be who they really are.

Oh but wait. They want to snuff out that too, don't they?

The Second Fairy Tale

I wrote another fairy tale as told by Feanor. It received some good feedback. I was happy with that and may need to just work on lighter stuff for a bit. It would help me recover from summer/ease into the darker part of the year. 

I'm going to do all I can to manage my SAD this year. 

We started the second video of another Brit mystery series. I'm enjoying it quite a lot. The characters are a bit annoying but there is something about the show that comforts me. Could be the way that my roommate and I snark about everything that happens.

The Week is Over

The internet managed to stay on all day. This is a good thing. We're tentatively looking at better phone plans so that when the internet goes out we can still function like normal people. It's annoying but probably needed.

I have several projects I need to finish and instead of doing that I started a new one. It's almost finished though so after that, I plan on spending the rest of the weekend working on the WIPS.

Annoying Start

The internet was out for several hours. Nothing was accomplished. It's on now (obviously) but it still put a damper in the evening.

Summer's End

Summer is ending. Well, it's officially ending. It's still hot because summer is a clingy thing that never wants to leave. Summer and winter are both clingy, unlike the GOOD seasons that never stay long enough.

For me, summer was marked with two events. The first was the fanfic project I did with an artist. I had a lot of fun with it and it challenged me to look at the characters in a very different way. 

The second was the microburst that knocked the power out for almost two days. That was stressful and scary. We made it through. We stayed in a hotel which almost felt like a vacation. I never want to go through that again. 

For autumn, I want to disengage with drama as much as possible. I want my household to be safe, quiet, and hale. I just want us to have fun and for things to be easy for a while. I don't think that's too much to ask.

LIke Your Blood Knows the Way

I was watching Mason Alexander Park perform "The Origin of Love" from the Hedwig soundtrack and they talked about how when they first heard this song, it really fundamentally helped them to understand the path they needed to take to pursue life and art. 

The performance was powerful, one of those performances where you understood the singer really FELT every moment of the song. The songs from Hedwig lend themselves to that. 

After I watched them, I put "Midnight Radio" on loop and just let it wash over me, which is, of course, what the song is about. Music connects us to something deeper, deeper within ourselves and deeper within the scope of everything. It is powerful and sometimes I think we forget how powerful it can be. 

Whenever I meet people who have really lost the plot to life, not the ones who are depressed or sad, but the ones who are hateful and devoid of joy, almost in every case, they've walked away from what music can give them. They've divorced themselves from its power. And usually they've given themselves over to something really destructive. 

I'm probably only alive because of music. In my darker moments of the courtship with suicide, it's always been music that pulled me away. I think we'd all be better off if we sang more often. It doesn't matter if you sing well. Sing anyway.

Wring and Whatnot

I rewrote a fairytale this weekend and posted it. It did okay. Everyone is still trying to get through the Summer Collection and I think they're overwhelmed. I need to finish some stuff this week and then just start editing for a bit.

As predicted, September is going to stay hot until the bitter end. Even into the start of October, it's still going to be hot. And that's really annoying. I'm tired of fans and being uncomfortable and damp. I'm tired of bitching about it. And I'm also just tired in general because I'm having to stay up so late in order for it to be comfortable enough to sleep. 

State of the Cats as Summer Ends

It's hot today and will be hot for the next several days, but I think it's pretty certain that Tinkerbell will make it through another summer. I am so profoundly grateful for this. 

Right now she's sleeping peacefully on my desk, one paw resting against my leg. This is her favorite form of contact. Touching, but just a small amount. Touching, but in a way where she can pretend she's just doing it to keep her balance. It means a great deal to me.

Because of my roommate's hack on how to feed the cats during the summer, neither of them got overly thin. Their fur looks good and both seem happy. Millie is aggressive with the outdoor cats. She's aggressive with Tink as well and I wish that would stop. Aside from these behavior issues, she's also thriving.

Overall, I'm happy where the cats are concerned.

Blocking the Paths

I wonder why it is that when people find a path out of their own discomfort, others always want to do everything they can to stop them. 

When someone finds a way to make peace with their poverty by enjoying the art produced by people who will sell it at a price they can afford, others disparage the art (entertainment, enjoyment) as less that or, if they decide they like it as well, try to find ways to raise the price of it to where it's out of reach of the poor.

Why is it that now that people are finding ways to pull themselves free of the social and biological chains connected to sex (which, mind you, none of us asked for or chose or had any say in), others are so quick, in some cases violently so, to try and stop them? 

If your path in life is basically okay if your body is to your liking and the expectations of it to your liking, why are you so angry when others just don't want that?  Why are you angry when other people choose to be childfree or marriagefree or genderfree? Why are you so angry when someone just wants to find a path to happiness? 

Let people be. Honestly, in most cases all you have to do is nothing.

Morning Panic

I woke up around 6:30 this morning having a panic attack. I did my best to calm myself, but I never really shook it. It's thrown me off all day. 

I hate waking up like that and never really managing to get back to sleep. I dozed some, but only a bit. It was rather torturous. We have to be up early tomorrow because my roommate has an appointment in the city. Hopefully nothing goes wrong.

Oddness

Blogger has been weird. Things aren't showing up well. People on my reading list are listed days behind. Some of them said the last post was from Wednesday of last week when I knew they had more recent posts than that.

It was another nice day. The weather is shifting toward a cooler, more reasonable temp. As this is September, it'll get hot again before it gets better. That's just the way of things.

Cooler Finally

It was actually cooler today! I am so happy. I wasn't sweaty or uncomfortable at all. It's just a marvelous feeling. 

And look, I know it will snow here in a few months and I'll be A Complainer about that, but at least, for now, it's nice. Lovely even. It feels just wonderful right now. 

Not Christian

The most upsetting and ironic thing about Texas' suit against the ACA & PrEP is that they base their claims on the basis of being Christian, but are acting in the most unChristlike manner I can imagine. Christ believed in healing the sick. Christ believed in giving comfort. Christ believed in being humble. He believed in helping your enemies by showing them kindness and generosity. 

Denying people medical coverage that could prevent HIV is hateful. Christ was not hateful. Denying people medical coverage that could prevent HIV is spiteful. Christ was not spiteful. Christians are supposed to draw people to their beliefs by living in a way that makes goodness and kindness radiate from them. Nothing about this is good or kind. 

Look, if you want to say you deeply and sincerely believe in this, okay more power to you. But stop saying it's about being a Christian. There is nothing Christian about this kind of behavior. 

A New Thing Happened

Someone actually requested a fic! This is the first time it's happened. 

I have a few projects I need to finish first, but after that, I'm certainly going to make the request happen. 

This made me feel very good.

State of the Writing

I posted another chapter tonight. It's the third chapter in what was supposed to just BE three chapters but will now be four. It needed the extra chapter. I find my writing is always better when I pull back.

OGoA released the third version of their theme song on Youtube and I've been listening to it on a loop. I loved the other two versions of the song as well, but so far this one is my favorite. I think it will prove to be very inspiring for me going forward.

Dancing on the Edge

I'm really tired of people getting angry about something pushing an agenda when it's the same themes and ideas the story/series/movie has always had. I don't like it when people get pissed off that Star Trek has people of color on it or women in significant roles when that has been the case the whole time. I don't like it when they are upset when Star Trek (or other shows) slides that line just a little more to the left because that has always been what it did. That was one of the points of the show.

Don't be angry when the show/book/movie that pushed the envelope of acceptable society 10/20/30/40 years ago is still going to keep pushing now. If one of the points of the work was to dance on the line of what people would find acceptable, it's going to continue to do that, even if that line has moved beyond what you're comfortable with. In fact, that makes it better, as now you get to face what makes you uncomfortable and explore it. 

Push your filling against that piece of aluminum foil. 

Honestly, people need to stop this. It's like if the strip club has been a strip club for the last 40 years and you're suddenly screaming because someone put glitter on their tit and that must mean they're shoving their nipple agenda in your face. 

The titties have been here the whole time. 

Pleased

I finished Blindsight last night and enjoyed it quite a lot. It brought up a lot of very interesting philosophical questions. I'll be thinking about the book for a while. I may read it again in a few months.

House of the Dragon was good this week as well. The story is moving along well. I need to finish a chapter. I wrote some of it this morning. Not sure if I'll work on it more tonight or not. 

September Being September

I have no idea why I always let myself get excited about the end of August. September is always a hell month too. It's either stormy and dark or muggy. It's doing that already and I should have just accepted that it would. 

August spoiled me this year. August was actually pretty decent. Maybe that was because I had a lot of projects to finish and didn't pay as much attention to the weather, but still. 

Anyway, fans are still on. I'm still sweaty. 

Holiday Planning

I'm starting to get my holiday stuff together. My brother's gift is here. Others are ordered. Most everything is settled for who gets what. I'm hoping everything is arrived and ready by the end of the month.

It's raining again. It rained last night. I had a little panic attack because I could see the trees really bending to the wind like they did the day we had the microburst. Nope, still not over that. Not sure when I will be. 

Accomplished

My side project is finished. It is just a little over 18,000 words. YAY!

It was so fun to do. It is very different than the way I usually write. I'm happy I finished it, not just on time, but ahead of time. YAY!

I feel so proud right now.

Annoying

I've been trying to work on some stuff all day and it's not quite working the way I want it to. It may be because I think I have a fever. It's not that hot, but I feel hot. I have cooling towels on me though and that's helping. Maybe sleep will help as well.

Our plans were altered because of an appointment being canceled.  It makes things easier in some ways, but changes in schedule are always really annoying. 

I have some stuff I need to work on tonight, even though I don't quite feel up to it. Hopefully I can manage.

Monday Off-Schedule

The therapy off-schedule went well. Though as always with therapy, I needed to nap afterward. I'm not sure if that's because I have to be ON and PRESENT or what. The nap helped though.

I wrote some this evening. I need to give my side project one more go over in editing, then I can submit it. Other side projects are going well. 

Got some Christmas shopping lined up and my new computer chair came in. So yay on all of that. 

Good Weekend

I wrote some. I edited some. I read quite a lot. I'm watching a weird movie about the events that happened before the events in Turn of the Screw. Marlon Brando is in it. He plays Quint and he's creepy. The children are creepy. Marvelous.

We have a lot of stuff planned for this week. I had to rework my therapy for tomorrow instead of Wednesday. There are appointments later in the week and my roommate's birthday. 

Looks like our reprieve from the heat last week has ended. It's going to be in the 90s most of this week. Hopefully, September's arrival will calm things down.

Sharing

I've had some situations this weekend with people, strangers really, telling me things about their lives that they shouldn't. In both cases, I wasn't sure how to respond. I wanted to lean in and help, to listen, but in one situation I was in a drive-thru line. On the other, it was someone else's Facebook post where I left a comment.

I thought about PMing the person on Facebook and talking, but I wasn't sure if that would be creepy. I don't know. I'm just not sure how to respond.

Hot End of the Month

Looks like we'll have some 90s over the next few days and then the weather will slip back toward the high 80s. Maybe it won't go back into the 90s during September. It was touch and go there for a while, but unless something dire happens (and it could), we'll probably, all four of us, make it through the summer.

Nothing about the neighborhood is exactly the same. We still drive by houses with massive tree debris or giant circles of dirt and tree roots. We still haven't completely restocked all of the food we lost. Given prices right now and the shortages, it's possible we won't restock for a while. 

Emotionally, everyone is still a little damaged. The panic never completely left us. When a storm like that hits, it's hard to feel secure. I think that's going to take a while.

Goodbye My Useful Friend

There is a utility chair in my laundry room. It's been in there for years. It was just this cheap office chair, but very very important for my wellbeing. It's the chair I sit on when I clean out the litter box. It's the chair I sit on when I put on or take off my shoes. It's the chair I sit on when I come into the house or before I go out of it.

All of those things are vital to my mobility. I need a place to rest after being outside. I need a place to sit when I do the other tasks. It's so important I have that. I wish it wasn't, but here we are.

Anyway, as I said, the chair is old. It was cheap. It broke in a way that I can't really fix and I can't use it anymore. 

I'm very sad. I loved this chair. It helped me live my life. It was a daily, very needed part of how I lived my life. Losing the chair makes my heart hurt. I'm just really sad right now.

Oh, and ashamed. I was fat-shamed so much as a kid that even though it's a reasonable assumption that anyone could have broken this chair after this many years of use, I still internalize it as my fatass fault. Now I get to spend hours trying to unravel that. So yeah.

A Good Night

Soon August will be over and things will begin to slide into Fall. I'm happy about this, even though we've already had to start turning on more lights in the living room to keep things balanced. 

The deadline for my side project is Friday after next. The story is edited (though I'll probably give it another once over before submission) and I've got the chapters outlined and named. It's in good shape. I beat a deadline.

Tinkerbell is sleeping on my desk and petting me with her tail. As it gets cooler, she'll probably move to my shoulder again. I love this kitty.

Writer Questions

Of the fanfic you’ve written, which is your favorite and why?

About Ten Minutes in the Afternoon of Our Discontent, a fic staring Caranthir, Haleth, and a hapless Mablung. It's my favorite because it's one of the first times I let myself write something lighthearted.

What’s your favorite fanfic trope? Have you written it?

Enemies to Friends to Lovers. I love every little path this trope can take. I love it when enemies take out threats to their enemies to keep them alive so they can keep being enemies. I love it when enemies are forced to work together and find mutual respect for one another. I love it when enemies go out of their way to ruin everything their enemy has just to watch them fall apart and despite this they still end up together.

I dance around it a lot in my writing.

Any fic ideas brewing that you’d care to share?

In the Damage Done AU, I have some scenes for Battle of the Lammoth that I've taken extensive notes on because it will be the first time we see the future Lords of Gondolin in action. And also because I guess I enjoy hurting Fingolfin.

Outside of the AU, I have a file called fangyFëanor.

Is there a pairing you would like to write, but haven’t tried yet.

Even though I have alluded to Angbang, I've yet to actually write it. That needs to happen at some point.

The Day Before

The new GRRM series starts tomorrow. Am I excited? Eh. Not really. I want to be, but eh. I hope it will be good. I still plan to watch it. We'll see. 

Writing is going well. I wrote quite a lot on the vampire thing and will spend part of tomorrow editing.

Warmer

We had to turn on the AC today for the first time in a while. It was nice to have some August days without the AC. After all the hot madness during July (except for those days when the power was off) needed some kind of balance.

My self-indulgent vampire AU is coming along nicely. I'm having a blast with it, honestly. I also wrote the band story. The servant one will be the last one, I think. Well, clearly as I'm already working on the other two. 

Productive Thursday

I started working on one of the Scribbles today. It's mostly finished. I'll do some more editing on the other side project tonight and then start on the second Scribble. 

I slept well. I slept until almost 11 and I very seriously needed it. I've been trying to be more brave and social lately. Not sure how well it's working, but I'm trying.

Writing Progress

I finished edits on the side project. I also posted my latest chapter on the AU. The side project still needs another going-over. It was written in pieces and I need to make sure the tone is consistent. I can do that over the weekend. 

After that, I think it will be ready.

Week Projects

Regarding writing, I need to finish a chapter on my main AU and then edit the side project. The side project is in a first finished draft. We'll get it to the next stage, hopefully, this week, possibly next week.

Some of the keys on my keyboard were sticking. I cleaned them out and...wow. Just...remember to clean out your keyboard, folks. Seriously.

The Price

Having to watch kids weeping because their religious families won't accept them for being gay or trans or nonbi or asexual or anything else that deviates from 'standard' will never get easier. It shouldn't get easier. It kills me to see this. These kids just want to be accepted for who they are. 

These are the same people who will scream that children are a gift. These are the same people who will scream about family first. 

I guess it doesn't count when it's your family or your children. I guess it doesn't count unless they follow your little narrow script.

I Should Point Out

I complain a lot during the summer and I know it's annoying. I'm not going to stop, but I am trying to make it a point to talk about the good stuff too. 

For instance, I have slept beautifully the last few nights. It's been comfortable and lovely. I wasn't hot or sweaty or unable to sleep due to the heat. Given that it is August, I really am thankful for some nights where sleep was decent and fully as long as it needed to be. That made some vast improvements in my overall general well-being.

Right now it's very nice. I have some cooling towels on me and three fans, but that, at least, is enough to keep me comfortable, despite the fact that my concentrator is on. 

And along with the good sleep and decent evenings (and mostly pleasant mornings), I've also had a lot of fun during Silvergifting Week. I put out a story every day and gained some new followers.  

School Starting

The school year is starting and like a worried old bitty, I think my nephew is taking on too much. I know at his age people feel like they can do that, but I know he stays tired. I don't want him burning out or messing up his AP or his tech school just because he felt like he HAD to work 20 hours a week too. 

I really do sound like an old lady when I write that out. Hah.

Things I Love

You know what I love? I love storerooms full of abandoned, but still usable furniture. I love the idea of decorating your home with things available to you by chance instead of it being things you pick out. 

No moral judgment against buying stuff at all. I just really love to see what people can do when they have to get creative with free pieces they never would have selected. Some of the coolest design comes out of that.

Been a Few Days

The blog has been neglected. I've been writing like a mad person. Three stories are finished and the rest are mostly finished ish. I know where they're going in any case.

School starts for my brother's kids tomorrow. This feels so very early for the start of school. And it's so nasty hot. I would have hated this. Especially band practice in the morning. Nightmare.

Anyway, several more days of Silvergifting. Tomorrow things get painful. 

Awful Cooldown

Sometimes during the summer, it will cool down, but it won't really help things. It will cool down enough to stress the AC so we have to turn it off. This will seem okay because the temp will be within a tolerable range. Except, it really won't be because the humidity will be insanely high and it will just feel horrible. 

It doesn't help that my stomach has been wrecked for hours now. The bathroom is the worst place in the house. It's a humid little hellhole. During the summer I try to avoid it as much as possible, yet my stomach keeps me there. Joy.

Busy Week

Okay.

So I have a friend and her child coming on Friday.

I also have my projects for Scribbles and Drabbles to get ready.

I also have Silvergifting Week, but that's fine. I've been working on that a bit anyway. I'm kind of theming it around Purple Rain because the album reminds me a lot of Celebrimbor and Annatar's relationship.

So yeah. Lots of stuff.

State of Me in August

It's hot but not as horribly hot as it has been. So long as I can keep my core temp down, I'm okay. If not, things go bad fairly fast. I put a microfiber pillowcase on the cushion for my ottoman. It doesn't completely help, but it helps a lot. Cooling towels help as well. I also have three fans on me.

The weather is supposed to go down at least a little over the next week. Being in the lower 90s during the day means lower 70s at night. It's possible we could be in the upper 60s on some nights and that would be amazing.

I continue to write and be sad. The usual.

Start of August

We paid some bills and ran some errands. It was really hot out there, but we lived. Hopefully, the electricity will function for the month. Published a story last night and I'm on the last legs of my collab project. 

I had therapy today and it went well. I'm a little exhausted though. I think I need a lot of sleep tonight.

Harsh

I've been really judgy lately and very harsh in my opinions. This has mostly been on my opinions of myself, but it always spills out to other people as well. I try to keep it from getting too bad, but sometimes it does. 

I think I'm going to try to stop being so judgemental this month. I need to just let things slide, not let them get weighed down with my opinions and assigned values. The world doesn't need more negativity. 

Slight Reprieve

The humidity was lower today. It's gone up this evening, but it was low during the daylight and that made such a difference in my life. I was able to sleep well. I was able to actually take a nap. It was really nice.

It's higher now and nasty in here again. I'm not sweating but I can certainly feel the dampness and the pressure. It's so nasty.

Anyway, I hope this week is decent. I hope August is decent. I need good things.

Purgatory

I hate it when the temp is in the 80/upper 70s. We really can't justify turning on the AC, but at the same time, it's still hot ENOUGH and usually humid as hell.

Really it's the humidity that's the problem. I can handle it being 95 so long as there's no humidity. But on days like this, when the air just stays wet, it's miserable. And the only way I can handle it is with cooling towels, which are wet, so I'm even wetter. 

Tomorrow is the last evil day of evil July so maybe it will just be a hot, dry August and things might be marginally better. Probably not, but I can hope.

Another Outage

The power went out again last night. It was only from about ten until 1:30 or so, but it sucked, and after last week's 36-hour outage, it was scary. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with going into panic mode every time it starts thundering again.

Look, I understand that sometimes these things happen, but if they have to, they should be doing this in the Fall or Spring or some time when it's not insanely hot. The power going out when it's cooler is inconvenient and hard on my breathing, but it isn't life-threatening the way it is when the power goes out during the summer. I could die from that. A lot of people could die.

The utility companies need to get their shit together and make sure the power stays on during the more extreme months. It's literally their job.

New Storms

It started storming again tonight. I freaked out about it a little, worried the whole hellscape of last week would happen again. No power, damage, ruined food, expensive bullshit. All of it.

Clearly, at least so far, none of that happened. We're safe for the moment. Hopefully it stays that way.  

Microburst

They're saying what we experienced last Thursday was a microburst with sixty mph winds landing on us. That would explain a lot, actually. It was terrifying.

Anyway, the adrenaline has started to wear off. Now I'm just exhausted and depressed. Writing is like pulling teeth. I'm kind of paranoid. I need this summer to be over.

A Bit Better

I finally started writing again today. I wrote a few pages and got things settled in my head. Mostly. 

We went shopping to replace some of the stuff we lost from the fridge/freezer. It was super expensive. This is becoming that Joe Exotic moment when he said, "I will never financially recover from this." And I really hate to be Joe Exotic. 

Anyway, still good to be back in my bed. Still good to be back in my house. Thankful for that. 

Still Tired

I slept well last night but I am still so very tired. This whole ordeal wore me out and I kind of need another long bout of sleep. Hopefully I'll get that tonight.

I would write more but I just literally can't.