Best of the Year NYE

I was going to write about music for this one, but music can take a sidestep. The best thing about this year, the absolute best thing is that we're all still alive. In my little household of strays, we all lived through this year. Trust me, it's been touch and go several times.

I am very grateful for the home I have. I am grateful for the cats that live with me and the kind and gentle person that got them to trust him enough so that they would join our household. I am grateful that my home is one of peacefulness. I'm grateful for the strange little society we have built around us. I'm most thankful of all that it will continue into another year.

YAY!

Best of the Year 5

I was going to write about all the good books I read this year, but my mind is elsewhere. Someone I care about very deeply is having a hard time and is in the hospital. I'm worried about him and can't really focus on this post.

So....yeah. I read some really good books this year. I'll try to talk about them later.

Best of the Year 4

I'm probably not going to give this the justice it deserves, because a lot of stuff is going on here and I'm worried about folks. I'll try my best.

So this year I got closer to my nephew. We started playing games online together and talking about them, which, of course, lead us to talking about other things. It's been neat.

A lot of people say the best way to relate to a kid is to find stuff they enjoy and let them tell you about it. I remember this being true when I was younger and it seems to be true now as well. I'm glad I'm getting to have this experience with him. We're about equal on  games, honestly, which is also nice.

Best of This Year 3

You know, I made a list when I was thinking about this whole End of the Year project and actually wrote down "I feel more confident with my craft." I'm not sure that is true. I'm still somewhat unsure of EVERY project I do.

That being said, I did learn some new techniques this year. I think I finally mastered the 'one line to the next line' on crocheted hats and that is seriously a big step for me. I've made some very wonky hats. I think my knitting is better, if only because my stitches are more consistent and I know I'm basically doing everything wrong. Seriously, I've been knitting the wrong direction this whole time.

I think I also have to add my crafting communities here as a 'best of' for the year. These communities are positive and inspiring and great to have. It's so neat to watch other people posting about the beautiful work they're doing.

Best of the Year 2

Note: Okay my roommate is very sick which means it is possible that I will soon also be very sick. This plan of mine to do the end of the year thing may not work out. Hopefully it will, but we'll see.

Anyway:

The second thing that was really good this year is the fact that I've gotten closer to my dad. This started out as a weekly call in the Fall of 2018 because I was worried about his emotional state after his dad died.

Now I call him about twice a week and we talk for around an hour. He's opened up a lot. I've heard stories from him I've never heard before. I now know more about his life and my family than I ever did. I'm very happy about this.

For a long time, it felt like there was a wall between my dad and me. I think my mom built that wall because she was always good at making people think the other person didn't like them. I should have known better, but it's difficult when it's the person that birthed you who is poisoning the well.

That's changing though. My dad and I are close again. I'm so happy about that. It's a  very good thing that has happened to me this year.

The Best of this Year: 1

There was a moment in the earlier part of the year when my household had a crisis. I was alone and I needed help and transport.

On very, very short notice, my best friend and my dad dropped what they were doing and came to my assistance. The whole situation was still difficult on me physically and scary on a lot of levels, but I know I got through it because these two people held me together. They kept me calm and secure and helped me to feel safe.

I am so deeply grateful to both of them for helping me with this situation. I feel blessed and loved because of it. Even though what was happening at that time wasn't easy (and I wasn't even the main one involved in it), it was do-able because people love me. This stands out as the first amazing thing about my year.

The Holiday

Christmas is over. It went well. I am unbelievably tired. I'm in a lot of pain. I'd like to not leave the house for a week or so. Maybe not even then. I need to sleep for a long time.

It's time to start focusing on the end of the year stuff. Even though I spent a good deal of this year depressed and uncomfortable, I made some good decisions and had some wonderful experiences. I'll be writing about those as the year closes. I'm looking forward to that.

The Birthday

Things went well. I didn't get what I expected but what I did get is kinda neat. We stayed for hours. I have new video games I need to download so I can play them with my nephew.

Overall, it was a good birthday.

The er New Hat

So, predictably, while I liked the hat I knitted, when I started trying to fix my mistakes on it, I messed it up and found it unsuitable as a gift. Dad will get a very quickly crocheted hat.

I always do this. Why do I always do this? I'm so glad I never have children as I am always so displeased with my creations.

Tomorrow starts Christmas week. Here's hoping no one gets injured.

Birthdaymas Has Begun

Today we celebrated my birthday in the special way that people of little income and few spoons would do. We got take out, a small cake, and watched some Netflix. It was awesome!

I wore the Hat I Fixed today and felt a nice level of satisfaction from it. I need to spend the weekend fixing my dad's hat. On Monday we need to drive the van to make sure its tires are okay. Not looking forward to that, but it's needful. Tuesday is my official birthday, then Wednesday is Christmas and, may the gods have mercy on my soul, Cats.

Hat and Beyond

I had to take a break from the hat so I could just process for a bit. I did some fix work on it tonight, but I need to do more. A lot more. It has issues. I think it's too big. Maybe it will be better after it gets washed.

Now one thing I did enjoy out of this process was the yarn. It was a wool sock-weight yarn and it knitted very well. It crocheted well too. I know this because I just put it on another hat. The colors, even though they are not favorite colors of mine, were lovely in their projects. I am certainly pleased with the yarn.

We paid a bill and took out trash today. I also made my birthday plans, which will happen this Friday. It's a few days early,but that's okay.

I'm not happy with how Survivor ended, but honestly I don't think it could have ended in a way to please me this season. It was obvious people would be idiots and they certainly were. Oh well, perhaps next time.

I'll have a Blue Christmas

I called my sister-in-law today about the holiday stuff. I felt guilty doing this because what my side of the family does shouldn't be her emotional labor to figure out. And yet, it has been. It's the last thing she needs as she's going through some stuff with her own family. The problem being, in some ways it's almost more practical that she decides, as she is the person with the most stuff going on. She made a kind of desperate request for what we would eat and I agreed to it. It isn't what I want, not really, but I bet it's the only request she's made all holiday season.

A lot of people are feeling down about the holidays this year. I can understand why. It seems like every year people have more and more demands put on them. I mean, NOT ME, certainly, but the people with kids and other family members and stuff. I actually feel like I'm part of the problem because I have mobility issues and have to rely on others to help with my medical equipment. I'm grateful for the help, but I'm sure they'd rather I could fend for myself in this situation. So that sucks some energy out of their Christmas.

This year some people started posting "I will not" lists about things they will no longer do during the holidays. It isn't that they're being selfish. They just are too pressed and too stressed out about this whole thing. They will not buy a special outfit for the holiday. They will not stay sober just so other people can get drunk around them. They will not be the one who worries about if their partner's family gets Christmas cards.

It's easy to say "oh people just need to simplify the holiday and not worry about all that stuff." Easy to say, but not easy to do. My family was having trouble scheduling one evening to get together and open gifts. What is that like for people who have to schedule several of those events around Christmas programs and work events and work and after school activities and just trying to sit down and spend some time with your family? What is it like for people who are trying to do all of this while dealing with sick family members or being sick themselves? What is it like to do this while struggling through depression or SAD?

I'm actually shocked more people don't run away during December.

After a Productive Weekend

I actually managed to achieve my weekend goal as far as hat progress was concerned. I'm where I needed to be by today to hopefully finish this thing on time. YAY!

The weather is gray and wet. It made everyone in the house tired and nesty. Once we got home from shopping, we basically curled up under various blankets and tried to stay warm. Looks like we're in for a voorish Christmas.

The Middle of Hats

Okay so we're in the middle of the creative process where I'm actually working on the hat. I'm in the body of it now and I'm not, as of yet, hating it.

Read an interesting book earlier this week. I didn't like the end, but I did like the author's note because it reminded me of the existence of an old horror writer. In fact, everything I enjoyed about this book was the parts inspired by him and now I want to give him another shot.

My weekend will probably be mostly knitting and holding a cat....thus is my fate. HAH!

Yarn Santa

Yarn Santa came today and left yarn on my porch! Thanks, Ahna! I will eventually put all of it into something questionably useful. I also did holiday stuff with my best friend. We had fondue and then cheesecake. It was a cheese Christmas for us. Now I have the cat back on my shoulder and I'm to the next phase of my dad's hat. Next week is holiday stuff with the family and then the week after is my birthday and Christmas. I'm hoping all goes well.

The Ten Year Struggle

A while back, I posted about the decade. I was in a bad headspace about it, I think. I mean, let's face it. I've been in a bad headspace for a while.  My feelings of failure and lack of worth have been pretty intense.  This is depression and bad brain chemistry and just me forgetting some fundamental stuff.

Over the weekend, two Youtubers I started following this last year posted videos about struggles people have faced in the last decade. One was about a ten-year odyssey to get her novel published. This ended in triumph, although she points out that getting the book published does not mean it will do well, so that's still ongoing.

The other story was an interview with a woman who has been trying to recreate a famous dress. She's been working on this for years and facing various struggles with it. She admitted she's almost given up several times, but couldn't because this is the great passion of her life. The woman interviewing her reminded her that the setbacks with the dress were also learning experiences that led her to other things. It's a journey, and for these two women, who are both dress historians, the journey IS the most important part.

The video ended with footage of this woman watching this dress in the museum. Her awe in the craftsmanship was so clear, so beautiful. It was truly inspiring.

I'm trying to work on a hat for my dad. He requested it.  As I was messing with it last night, I ruthfully thought about my Process when it comes to making things. It's usually some variation of the following.

Start project.
Work for three hours.
Unravel everything and start over.
Work for three hours.
Unravel everything and change tool size.
Work for three hours and go to bed.
Wake up, unravel everything and change technique.
Work for three hours.
Unravel everything and change yarn.
Work for three hours.
Hate all of it but push forward.
Get halfway finished.
Unravel everything and start over.
Almost finish it.
Decide I hate it and put it aside.

So the process frustrates me. The stop/start. The redos. The indecision. You know, part of that is just me being a creative who struggles with her products. But more importantly, I think the biggest issue is that I stop being in the moment about everything. I stop remembering that THE PROCESS is what I'm doing. I stop enjoying the process because I focus too much on the outcome. That isn't the point of a hobby.

So I think my goal for the next decade is to embrace the processes of my life. Whatever is going on, I want to just find contentment in the fact that they are MY experiences and part of my story, even if they are frustrating me at the moment. I want to spend more time being in awe of things. I want to spend more time enjoying the people in my life. And I do want to make progress, but I want to keep in mind that even if you don't achieve the end of a goal, that doesn't negate the progress you did make.

The Vow

I've been talking to a lot of people lately who are going through things where either they or the people around them are in a position of being very vulnerable. Someone was telling me tonight about how they're having to come to terms with the idea of the mortality of a loved one and it's hurting them. It isn't just the idea that this person may die soon, but that death won't come in a graceful way. Already dignity is being stripped away. To me, that has always been the hardest thing about dying.

I guess I noticed this first when I was in high school and I watched my grandfather's decline. When I was little, I think I defined him by his strength and ability to handle things. I know it's how he defined himself. No matter what, he could find a way survive. But as his health declined, he lost his strength. Disease stripped away who he saw himself as. I think that was harder than his death for me.

I believe when we choose the Forever People in our lives, we should do so with a vow that we will see them through the darkest days. We should choose them with the idea that we trust this person enough to see us on our darkest days. Even though it isn't easy to look perfect or act perfect, I think even that is easier than exposing our weakness and humanity. 

"This is me. This is the nastiness that comes from my body. This is how I look crumpled on the floor. These are my tears. I trust you with all of this."

It's a lot.

I write this as I hold an old, scared cat against my chest. I guess she's decided she trusts me with her vulnerabilities too. Occasionally she claws me to remind me of this.

Quiet Day

We had an easy day today and caught up on some laundry. This was basically our only day to just hang at the house this week and we really needed it. Things have been busy and the end of the year is always kind of full.

My computer did a weird thing today. Everything got really slow and eventually turned off. Hopefully this is not a new habit it wants to have. I don't need death throws computer.

Emotional Zigzag

I was in a good mood for the last few days, but depression is trying to set in. I'm trying my best to fight it. Actually, depression isn't even the right word. It's more than that. I've been highly emotional.  I cried over a holiday episode of a show. I must have some weird hormone spike going on. Yuck.

Anyway, it's looking like I get a day to just chill tomorrow. I'm happy about that. I need it.

The Year of Magic Christmas

When my mom was 32, we experienced what she called "Magic Christmas." She was between husbands, both of her kids were in gifted, she had a 4.0 in her program at the junior college, and for once, things seemed to be going up.

She dug up a tree and put it in a planter. This was our Christmas tree. We had lights on the tree, handmade ornaments, and lights strung up all over the living room. I remember the house was warm that year. We watched a lot of movies together. Hell, we actually spent a lot of time together. Mom had friends who were sane and good. We spent time hanging with them and everyone got a little nice something for the holiday.

Until she died, Mom always talked about Magic Christmas like it was some kind of fluke in her life. She seemed to believe this one year was a point of joy and happiness based on, I guess, Random Number Generation. And, you know, sometimes that's how things are. A million things can go wrong on the holidays and it is quite sweet and noteworthy when everything is just smooth.

Of course, this isn't the case with Magic Christmas. The one overwhelming factor that made Magic Christmas the best holiday we ever had is that my mom HAD. NO. HUSBAND. She had no husband for the year before either, but at that point, she was still trying to get her footing after walking away from Marriage #3. By the year of Magic Christmas, she was finally healed enough to be happy. We were finally healed enough to feel safe. It wasn't a matter of chance that holiday was good. It was a matter of the main factor that usually made our holidays awful being gone.

I have trouble thinking about Magic Christmas and focusing on the beauty of it. For me, the whole thing is tragic because by the next year, my mom had destroyed everything good about that experience by getting married, yet again. In the space of one year, we were back to everything being chaotic and dangerous and awful. We would never live under the same roof again. Our live stories as people in the same household ended. We would see each other at Christmas in the years to come, but it would never be the same.

I try not to fall into the dark space left in the wake of Magic Christmas. Sometimes I can't help myself though. If only she would have accepted that it wasn't a fluke. If only she would have realized that we were happy because she was, at that point, not inviting Unhappiness into our lives. If only she had noticed that without her stupid, awful, abusive, lazy, useless, messy husbands, the three of us could thrive and accomplish and grow.

Ahh, oh well. My mother was 32 a lifetime ago. Hell, I was 32 a lifetime ago. I should let the bitterness go and just try to focus on what was good about that time. The thing is, even after all these years, I can't.

Post Thanksgiving Meal Analysis

One of the tasks my roommate and I have to navigate is how to handle holiday meals with just the two of us. We tend to get tired of the same stuff after several meals, so the whole 'let's cook big and just eat leftovers for a while' thing starts to go grow burdensome after about three dinners. Over the last several years, we've tried to find ways to make this work out better for us.

Smaller Portions

Okay, this seems obvious, but with Thanksgiving, it isn't always easy. In our area, it's difficult to find JUST a small turkey breast without it being expensive or questionable.  For a few years, we just tried doing chicken with stuffing, but even that got too big after a while. This year, we found a turkey breast small enough to suit our needs, but it still ended up being questionable.  It was pre-herbed with herbs we still can't identify. It wasn't BAD, just unexpected. I'm still not sure what they were going for with that herb blend.

Two Sides Only

This is a rule we HAD to do. Any more sides than two would cause more days of leftovers and we'd be sick of all of it. By deciding we would only have two small sides, we would be able to get through everything in a reasonable manner and not be tired of it in the process.

Now we've changed this up over the last several years. It's always 'sweet potatoes and something' though because we both love those at Thanksgiving. Now cranberry sauce doesn't count. It is an extra you get anyway. Same with rolls.

And here's a tip about this rule. If you find that you miss one of the other side dishes, have it earlier. I love that stupid green bean casserole and my roommate made it for me two weeks ago. I still had it in November, we did not have to dread it with all the other sides.

One Pie

This is a new rule, implemented this year. Before we always had two pies because our holiday pie tastes differ. The thing is, we're both eating less and certainly trying to eat less sweet stuff. We have been cutting back long enough to where this decision wasn't a hardship. We both knew it had to happen because neither of us wanted to face that much sweets. 

We picked a pie we both like and bought one on the smaller side. It was good and just enough to make the celebration nice and not so much that it made it a problem.  I've had issues in the past with really overdoing the sweets on the holidays. Admittedly, I'll probably still do that this holiday at one point or another, but at least for Thanksgiving, I didn't. Any reasonable handling of food is always better than my past history of awful handling of it.

I think holiday meals are a lot like sex in the fact that when it's best for everyone, it's due to there being a discussion about what everyone desires and what everyone can reasonably handle. At the end of the discussion, you create a plan that people consent to and go from there. It requires a little more honesty and connection, but in the end, it's worth it.

It Shall be December Again

The month is almost over. Normally I dread December, but this year The Witcher starts, so I'm cool. Ol Boy looks really good in that white wig so I think I'll just let myself ride on that. He does a bath scene. Hee!

The cat was very cuddly today. The other one was cuddly with my roommate and that was fun to watch. We're going to be cutting some things out of our eating and I'm actually kind of excited about it. We've been slowly culling things we don't need for a while now and it's time to take the next step.

Anyway, I'm ending tonight on a good note. Really looking forward to that hot witcher dude.

Thanksgiving 2019

Yesterday we had Thanksgiving with friends. Today it was just us, the cats, and a horror movie. To my mind, this was perfect.

Keep in mind, last year I woke up on Thanksgiving morning with the nasty start to a several day stomach virus. My roommate caught it a couple of days after. Most of the week was spent eating things like string cheese because it was covered in a wrapper and we couldn't reinfect each other. It was seriously one of the worst viruses I've had in a long time.

So this year, as far as I am concerned, everything was blissful. I didn't have to go anywhere and stress out my body. I did not have to talk to a bunch of people I don't know and stress out my mind. I was around the people I want to be around and I got to feel safe and warm. That is a perfect holiday to me.

What She Did

So I have a FB friend who is a prepper. He isn't crazy so much as just concerned about the world and what might happen if things go sideways. Over the years, he's posted a lot about various skills he's taught himself so if something dire happens, he'll be able to survive.

Last night he posted someone's Tweet about how preppers need to either include people in their groups who know how to sew, weave, and do yarn crafts, or they need to learn to do it themselves. He admitted it wasn't even something he'd considered.

I'm not surprised by this. These skills tended to be mostly done by women and people tended to discount women's roles in keeping everyone alive. I tossed him some 'how to' links over this stuff and refrained from making snide comments. At least he admitted his error.

Still, it gets frustrating. A lot of men like to talk about how they constructed our society, all the while forgetting that women weren't, in most cases, even allowed to do the same kind of jobs they could do. Not only that, they forget about the women (and other men) who were doing all the rest of the work that kept those men with the free time to do all that writing and creating and building.

Hopefully that will change.

Porch Cats

In the last few months, we've acquired some porch cats again. As you know, I get really antsy about outdoor kitties. It's so dangerous for them. However, when they've been raised outside and don't trust humans, you can't just waltz them into the house. It's a process. Besides, we have a problem. We have Millie.

Millie is our most recent addition to the house. She was an abandoned kitty that my roommate got to trust him enough so that he could rescue her into the house. You would think this would give her a sense of sympathy for the outdoor cats we have now.

NOPE!

She hates them so much. She growls and hisses whenever she sees them. She's even shot out the door a couple of times to chase them off. She is really angry about the idea of other cats. I think this reflects poorly on her character, but.....cat.

Anyway, to tease her, we have made up a story that all the outdoor cats are her children. We even gave them variations of her name. The two gray ones are Milton and Millison. The two black ones are Milhouse and Millsberry.

I think she hates them even more now.

Ten Years

People keep posting these decade difference photos. I'm not going to do it. I think it's a great thing for people who had a glow up or have some peace with themselves, but that SO isn't me right now.

I think there are things about the past decade that have changed for the better. Or at least, changed in profound ways. I am now a cancer survivor. I got to experience being around a baby. I've met some cool people and some amazing animals. I've done this blog. I've grown closer to my father.

This decade has also been the first I've experienced without my mother and grandmother. That's been strange. Our relationships were complicated. I miss them, but I am so happy I did not have to deal with the emotional labor of what they would have been like while I was going through the cancer stuff.

The world is a weirder, darker place now. Everything seems more disjointed and unforgiving. Everything seems more demanding and critical. People around me seem to be growing more conservative and angry. It seems like folks are less interested in finding common ground.

There are things I have let go of and made peace with. It used to sting that I would never be in a relationship with someone, but now I find deep comfort in the simplicity and quiet of my solo life. Other people's chaos is the last thing I want. The more chaos someone brings, the less I want to deal with them. That probably sounds like an old lady statement, but I'm okay with that.

Do I have goals for the next ten years? I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be around negativity. I realize both of these things require active work on my part so I want to be willing to remember daily that I have these goals. I want to read more books and discuss these books. I don't want to gossip about people I know and I certainly don't want to gossip about people I don't know. I want to focus on what I can actually change and accomplish and not dwell on bullshit out of my control. I want to take my meds and I want those meds to keep my brain chemicals in the right balance. I want to make things.

If I can achieve that, it could be a good ten years to live through.

Friday in Gray

Today was gray and dreary.  We went shopping and then spent the rest of the day just trying to stay warm. I'm in shorts now, but my oxygen is on and the cat has been occupying my shoulder for a while. This amplifies the heat around me.

The SAD is still really trying to get to me. I'm going to have to stay away from anything political and things of that nature. It just draws me down into a nasty place where my mind and emotions start looping. I don't need that right now. I need to keep this managed.

Tis the Season

Today we had to be up early and go into the city. Things went well. We even had fun. And yet, at the end of the day, I'm emotionally shaky and troubled. Thankfully, I know why. This is my first day of the year to really feel the Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD).

My roommate noticed he was going through this a few years ago and did some research. It's actually quite common when the seasons get darker. We try our best to stay aware of it, especially when we know there is no actual cause for whatever whacky emotions happen to be going on.

I think SAD is especially frustrating for people who already take meds for depression. It makes you feel like your meds aren't working when really the SAD has more to do with light levels than the usual chemicals.

So if you find yourself sad for no reason you can determine right now, do some research on SAD. That might be the issue.

Today

Today was fine until it got frustrating. Frustration was caused by buildings being worked on, roads being worked on, humans being outside of their homes, and me driving around after dark.

Damn I sound like such an old lady. Sigh.

Thankful Stuff

Today was quiet and mellow. The cat sat on me as much as she possibly could. I think she even sacrificed Sun Time for me.  She's on my shoulder as I type. I think she's sleeping.

I complain about the constant cat attention, but I still feel very grateful for it. She's amazingly loving to me now and I cherish that. I'm glad I have this bond with her.

My Favorite Ship

A lot of writers rail against the fun and interests of fandom. I get that. I also get why you should never allow fandom to dictate what you do with your story.

However, I also think there is strength in analyzing what fans respond to and utilize the best aspects of it to your advantage. A good example of this is how She-Ra is able to establish an emotional investment in Hordak via his relationship with Entrapta.

When we first meet Hordak, he is a typical evil bossman. He's impatient, awful to everyone, seemingly mindless in his pursuit of evil for the sake of evil, and a total bastard. He's easy to dislike and dismiss. This is typical of cartoon villains and it's also, at this point, tropy and lazy writing.

Then Entrapta defects to the Horde (because they have better tech and she thinks the other princesses abandoned her) and wanders into Hordak's lab. At this point, the writers did something very cool. They used the principles of Fandom Shipping to build their relationship.

In a way, the show had to do this. Having already established a canon where people aren't treated differently based on gender, the typical and traditional aspects we see in romance would have been out of place. Instead, we see a relationship build that is far more like what one tends to see in the dynamic and energy usually reserved for homosexual characters in fandoms (which tend to be far more based on equality and mutual esteem). Hordak and Entrapta are nothing alike in personality. He's very serious and she is full of wonder and vivaciousness. He is fearful where she meets all challenges with enthusiasm as a problem to solve. What they do have in common is a love for science and discovery. They find ways to use their personalities to balance each other and with that balance, they are able to accomplish what neither could do on their own.

In the meantime, Hordak begins to trust her. He opens up to her about who he really is. As he builds his relationship with Entrapta, we, as the audience, build a relationship with him. He stops being this typical and meaningless cartoon villain and becomes a real character, one I found myself invested in.

In the fourth season, Hordak is alone again. Catra has sent Entrapta off to Beast Island (presumably to die a horrible death). Hordak doesn't know this. Catra lied to him and told him that Entrapta rejoined the Rebellion and was lying to him the whole time. Hordak is heartbroken. He mopes and won't leave his lab. It's beautiful. When he finally does emerge, it is with full plan to finally conquer everything. He begins to succeed with this, driven now by his hurt over what he thought Entrapta did. Again, it's just deeply romantic. I mean, you still don't want him to do it, but damn. He even tells Catra at one point that he's staying at the front of the war because he wants to face Entrapta in battle. And as the audience, we know that it isn't anger that is driving him. It's the knowledge that he thinks war is the only dance they have left.

Ohhhhh but the real payoff is when he finds out the truth. Hordak is so broken by the fact that Catra probably sent the girl he loves off to die that he begins to destroy his whole castle in an effort to kill her. It's an epic fight and you can just feel his grief as his whole kingdom is falling around him.

In the end, when his brother finds him and erases his memory, I was the one who was heartbroken. And that is important because if the memory wipe had been done to Season One Hordak, I wouldn't have cared at all. He was just a meaningless villain to me. But when it happened now, I knew Hordak as a person. An evil person, sure, but one with depth and beauty to him. Horde Prime took away one of my favorite characters and it made me ache. One of my main wishes for the next season is that Hordak is able to remember the man he has become and help the Rebels fight against his brother. I hope he and Entrapta find each other again. And for me to go from just rolling my eyes at this 'bad guy' to being this invested is some very good writing.

Gimme Shelter

The cat spent as much time on me today as she could. The only time she's not on me is during her morning sunning. It can be annoying, but today, for the most part, I tried to just roll with it. If I can give her comfort, this is a good thing.

She was abandoned when she was little. So was our other cat. It has taken a long time for her to build trust with me so even if it means I have to deal with cat claws and cat ick on occasion, that's fine. She needs me now. She loves me now. I'll be her person. I'm glad she has someone.

Oddities

Tinkerbell is being weirder than usual. Actually, I'm not sure there is a 'usual' with her anymore. It's just new kinds of weird every day. She actually sat on me in the living room for a while this evening, but then she uttered a strange little noise and ran off. I'm worried we're winding down to the end of her life and it makes me deeply sad. I don't even want to think about it, really.

Other than her oddities, today was fine. It was cold and we stayed inside. I tried to make plans with a friend but she's pretty busy so that's still up in the air. Hopefully we'll get it sorted.

So Many Directions

I know a lot of people my age and older loathe the idea of going wireless on everything. I get the motive behind it. It's a matter of not trusting all the tech and not trusting that people won't mess with you.

However, I also see the appeal. Right now I have a heating pad behind me, plugged in. My keyboard and mouse are plugged in. My headphones are wired and I have oxygen tubes in my nose. I'm trailing wires in every direction and it's annoying. I'm guessing it's also rather disquieting to see, but that's another matter. For me, the biggest issue is just all the possible slips and twists and tangling.

I get that some of this will never be wireless. I also accept that going unwired would cause other problems for me. I do tend to drop things a lot and that isn't going to change. At least with a wire attached to whatever fell, I have a reasonably good idea of where it is. All the tangling really gets on my last nerve though.

The Quick Turn

The weather is so crazy right now. Up until today, it's not really looked like Fall. Most trees haven't turned. I was even wondering if we might have to have the grass mowed again.

Then this morning I opened the back door and it was Autumn. All the trees had turned. Leaves were falling everywhere. And the thing is, it's not really a good idea for Autumn to happen so quickly because some streets were under a blanket of leaves by midmorning.

Oh but this is the kicker. It could snow tonight.

So....we get one day of Fall. Just the one day. Wow.

Best Laid Plans

So I had this idea that maybe we could just order our Thanksgiving dinner from one of the local places. NOPE! Not going to work. For one thing, it seems that you have to order enough food for at least six people. For another thing, it is way way WAY out of our price range. I mean, I was shocked. We weren't even looking at the high-end places either. Just the little ones. Whatever we end up doing, it's certainly NOT going to be this. Oh well, at least now I know.

The Misfits and the Losers

In the last few weeks, I've heard variations on the following statements several times.

Creating art is stated as the reason the person is still alive.  Or that the art of someone else is the reason someone is still alive.

The funny thing is, the art in question in almost every case, was art most people would consider frivolous. Pop music. Fashion.  Floorshow performances. That kind of thing. However, to the people talking about the art, they viewed it with a kind of awe, a sense of knowing this art form was the reason they could keep living.

I think we often dismiss how important art is as a source of comfort. We think about how it can entertain or make a statement about the world. We think about how it can help us keep food on the table or help us make sense of what is happening in our lives ... but on a very fundamental level, those elements boil down to helping us to be comforted.

One of the reasons we don't often think of this aspect of art is because we focus so much on art taking us OUT of our comfort zones. We encourage the exploration of the disconcerting areas. We want to push the limits. And that IS important.

However, there are a lot of people in the world who don't have to come out of a comfort zone because they've never had one. They don't have to be pushed to their limits because they live on that edge every day.  What people like that need from art is a place to FIND comfort to FIND community to FIND escape. They need solace and often art is the only place they find it.

I'm not done thinking about this. More later.

Duh

Oh wait. I don't think it's Blogger doing the emoji thing. I think it's Grammarly. They're doing it on my Facebook page too. Cool.

I was just told I am being 'informative.' I mean, that's the point, right?

Shoulders

Spent most of the day with the heating pad on my upper back/shoulders. My shoulders have never really completely recovered from last Christmas. I did some weird damage to them while I was using my walker at the theater. Later that night, they'd hurt so bad I couldn't sleep. I'd had to just sit up in my bed and every once in awhile, one of them would make a weird sudden clicking sound and give a weird, sudden jerky movement. It was bad.

The emoji is looking all sad at me. I guess maybe they're finetuning it. Anyway, the heat is helping. Between that and my massager, I managed to get some good pops out of my shoulder last night. Maybe we're finally improving? 

Smilies

So Blogger has this new little emoji thing that analyzes your posts and tells you how you were feeling that day. It skews on the positive side. I mean, right now it's giving me full on heart eyes. Sign.

I'm not sure what you have to post to get it to not be so Pollyanna. I guess I'll have to experiment with that. Maybe I'll do some posts of angst poetry.

Emojis don't understand my pain.

Fall Back

I love FALL BACK SO MUCH! I know other people do not and the dark gets to them, but man I love it. I mean, I get the sunlight is good for me. I do. But I also love the protective sense of darkness covering me. I also like blankets. I like my bed feeling cooshy and comfortable. I like the instant relief of sliding gloves on my cold hands.

If the power goes out during the winter, it still sucks, but at least I'm not hot. I just truly hate being hot so much. Mostly because there is only so much I can do about it.

Anyway, I'm happy at the moment. I get to sleep in an hour later. Yay.

Wicked Overseer

I added some mods to my Sims game. Normally I don't do that because it messes with things too much, but I just had to see what these did.

One of them creates random tragedies for your sims (disease, kidnapping, running over by a car) and the other creates situations of personal violence. You can kill other sims in a variety of ways or just fight with them in newer and more amusing ways. I probably won't keep these installed forever because it's making things deeply chaotic, but for a few days, it should be fun.

And the Trees are Stripped Bare

So October is over and tonight is Halloween. It's sad. This used to be my favorite holiday and now I do nothing for it. Seriously, not one thing. That needs to change at some point. Though, not this year.

Anyway, October was a hard month. We had some nasty little stressors and the weather went in every direction it could. But hey, at least it's ended and I can now just move on toward the rest of the holidays.

Fin

Spoilers for Dragula
Season 3 has ended and what a season it was! I really enjoyed the romp of horror, filth, and glamour this year. I loved the floorshows and even loved the drama, most of it anyway.

I'm glad Landon won. Landon has been positive and consistent all season. Admittedly, I think I would have been happy with any of the three of them winning. Priscilla was charming as hell and Dollya's work was amazing. I think the flesh dress on this finale is one of the best looks I've ever seen. She really did House of Black justice with that.

At any rate, amazing season. Well worth the wait.

Some Calm

Okay for a minute here, I'm okay. The roof people came this morning and did stuff. I'm assuming that stuff fixed the problem. I guess we won't know until it rains again, but for the moment, I'm going to just assume it will work so I can sleep tonight. I need that.

So yay.

Quiet Weekend

Despite the stress waiting tomorrow of trying to get the roof fixed, the weekend wasn't that bad. It was mostly lowkey and quiet.

The cat's insistence of sitting on my shoulder and my solution to this of forcing her to at least sit on a towel to keep her claws out of my skin seems to be working. We're having fewer fights about the situation. I think, more than anything else, just fixing this one thing has helped matters.

Roof Update

So ol boy showed up to look at the leak. It seems it might be beyond his ability to fix. We have another person called to help, but they have 13 roofs to look at before getting to ours. Thankfully it stopped raining for now. Hopefully, this will be fixed before it rains again. This is a mess.

Predictable

Of course, the repairman didn't show up. Of course, the second repairman I called also didn't show up. Of course, the cat was annoying the whole time I was trying to make stuff happen here. Of course, I'm not doing much, other than making a couple of phone calls, because there isn't jack I can do beyond that. Of course, this is getting on my very very last little frayed nerve. Of course, my roommate is right there with me.

I mean, rationally I know this will happen. The roof will get repaired, eventually. I know people can't just jump right to help me because suddenly MY stuff needs repaired. I understand there is a line of people ahead of me who also need their roofs fixed and also have leaks and also have frayed nerves and also probably waited hours and hours to get this to happen.

Doesn't make it any easier though.

Broken

The house continues to be a bitch. Now the roof is leaking. And it's raining for days. Uggh.

I keep this list of all the stuff wrong with the house. It never really gets smaller. It just gets added to. I think about this list a lot, like quite a few times a day. I also know there is not one thing at all I can really do to afford to fix all of it.

Oh well. Here's hoping it doesn't fall around us.

Rested

I had such a good nap this afternoon. I mean, seriously, it was the best sleep I've had in months. I felt almost high when I woke up because I slept so well. And that's just kind of sad.

I mean, I guess it's not. I needed the sleep. I seriously need probably weeks of catch up sleep at this point. Maybe I'll start to get it.

Passing

Where did this month go? It's almost over and I think I just tranced out of most of it. Normally I like October but last month was so hot and annoying that I'm not sure I was even quite well enough to notice what was going on. I know that sounds concerning, but mostly it's due to me not getting enough sleep. Having said that, I read some good books this month.

What else? Oh yes. A friend sent me a link to joyn. It's a fat positive wellness app. You have to pay to join, but it's no more expensive than the box I was doing there for a while and you pay month by month so there really isn't any commitment. I'll think about it. You can do a seven day free trial in any case.

The cat is on my shoulder and growls when I try to move her. That is my life now.

Weirdness

The cat ripped up my leg in four places today. Only one of them bled badly, but all of them stung. Having the affection of a cat is a complicated thing. You want them around, but you run the risk of them harming you. Actually, I guess that applies to people as well.

Even though the days keep passing, things feel like they're in some kind of limbo haze. I don't quite understand why, but then again, I think maybe I believe that Higgs-Boson theory.....

Heat Therapy

Either back in July or August, we'd forgotten to put the sungaurd in the window. When I got in, the seats were very hot, but against my back and shoulders, the heat felt really good.

So it's taken me all this time to actually start using the heating pad, even though I knew we had one. Anyway, I started earlier this week. For a couple of hours every night, I'm trying to do my best to keep the heat against my back and my evil shoulder blades. Relaxing that whole Pit of Chaos has possibly made it easier to sleep. I've certainly been sleeping deeper and having all kinds of weird dreams.

Anyway, I'm going to keep this up for a while and see if it makes a real difference. Well, one difference is that it's moved the cat more onto my boobs than on my shoulder. Then again, she was making my shoulder ache, so this is probably a good thing.

Beyond My Control

As I wrote about last night, things got difficult. I was having some issues with my body, the van needed fixing, I got some news about my insurance that I did not like, oh AND then later that night, the internet went out and there were some surprise issues with that as well.

Today involved phone calls and trips to the mechanic and in one case, my roommate going to actually talk with the pharmacy. In the wake of all of it, this is what I realized.

So . . . the internet issue was with billing. They stopped accepting automated payment but failed to inform their customers. Turns out that basically everyone owes them two months' worth of payment right now and everyone is freaking out. They did not say anything. They are at fault. I did what I could about the situation. Nothing else I can do.

The van's issue was just one of those things that happen with older vehicles. I did what I could. Nothing else I can do.

The pharmacy thing was muddled. When I called my insurance company, they told me the pharmacy was shutting down. I was NOT happy about this. Later when we talked to them, they said they were NOT shutting down and that the insurance company was giving them issues and to wait for a bit and see if it could be resolved. So, okay. Cool. I did what I could. Nothing else I can do, but wait.

As for my stomach issues....there were some things I ate and drank that could have contributed to that, things that I normally do not have. I think it's best to take that into consideration and avoid those items or at least avoid them during the time when I had them. We shall see if that will make a difference. So, in this case, I CAN do more and will.

Overall, I somewhat feel better about the situaton.

Stress

I've been trying to write this blog post for five minutes. My fingers keep slipping keys or the Caps Lock will get switched on. I'm almost to the point of just giving up.

It doesn't help that the cat is on me. I tried to move her earlier and received a whole new set of cuts for my effort. I know she just wants comfort but sometimes it's just too much. Pro Tip: Even though everyone says pets help with your mental state, that is only if your mental state is good at the time. When you're depressed, pets can feel very oppressive. Because your chemistry is off, you don't feel the happy chemicals they usually give you. You just feel trapped and hot. You focus on the mess they're causing. You get impatient. Try to keep in mind that it's the depression making you feel this way. That's not always so easy.

Some new stressors entered my life today. All of it is manageable (I hope), but I could have done without them. One will end up costing money and time. The other will alter something I've been doing for the majority of my life.

Oh and also, my stomach decided to be evil. So there's that.

Serenity

We did the shopping thing today. Normally I call people but I didn't this morning. I just wanted to be left alone with my thoughts. It was a nice place to be.

My roommate got me some new lotion and my skin seems to really like it. We talked about how the older lotions don't get promoted as much because they tend to be cheaper, even if they do still work.

I also watched this weird long video on Barbie doll hacks. Some of them were really, really tacky. The others looked very involved. About three of them were reasonable enough to really be a viable hack.

Yeah, that was basically my day.

Satisfied

I was kind of in a fugue all weekend. I was riding that delicious high of having read a very good book and still having a lot of it to process. Is there any joy out there like reading a book that truly is a delight to read?

Anyway, it continues to be cooler. This is that weird time of year when I have a fan on in my room but I still turn flick the switch to the bathroom heater when I'm in there. It won't last. Soon the fans will be cleaned for the season and put away. Thankfully I have a white noise machine to help me sleep.

This week is going to be busy for me. I have to do Things. Maybe that's for the best. Otherwise, I'd just pine for the book. I can read it soon, but I need a bit of a break before I try.

Also, for now, I'm in a rather okay mood. YAY.

Selfish

My nephew told me a story about my brother tonight that I did not know. It happened during the time when I was living with my grandparents and he was living with my mother. It hurt my heart to hear it and it made me feel very guilty. It made me feel selfish for abandoning him to the safety of my grandparents. It's hard to wash away that guilt.

The thing is, rationally, I know it's not my guilt to bear. My mother set up this situation and poisoned my brother against his own grandparents so he didn't even know when to call them for rescue. It is her fault, but I doubt she ever felt a moment's remorse for her actions.

She's dead now. My brother tries very hard to be a good father to his kids. I didn't have children I could harm. The cycle will be broken.

Ship

So I just finished a very good book and find myself loving some of the relationship/potential relationships in it. They filled me with the happies.

On the other side of the coin, I just do not GET why people in real life are in relationships. I'm not judging people who are. If that works for you, great. I know people seem to enjoy being in couples, but the enjoyment factor escapes me. It seems like too much of a timesuck drama.

Also, I can't fathom someone out there being for me. Or to be apt, I can't imagine ME being for someone else. Not that I think I'm a bad person. I guess I just think I'm for me. I like my headspace and resent anyone who tries to invade it. But, you know, I dislike most people.

Skin

Recently I reactivated my skincare routine. It's something I tend to neglect when my mental state is bad, but I'm trying my best to pull out of the bad side of things. Deciding on a skincare ritual was part of that.

The interesting thing about taking care of your skin is that most products don't want you to just slather the stuff on and be done with it. They want you to massage the product into your skin, which creates a whole other level to the ritual, especially for people who aren't routinely touched by others. I now spend several minutes touching my own face, running my fingers over the planes of it, feeling where the bones alter its shape. I'm trying my best to be present during this so that I really experience what it is like to touch me and what it is like to be touched. And no, I'm not trying to be porny about that.

Anyway, maybe the routine will keep my skin from getting so dry this winter and the massage/meditative aspect of it will help boost my happy chemicals. We'll see.

Short

I did not blog yesterday.
Power was out for seven hours.
It was deeply frustrating.
At least it has cooled down.
My breathing is wrecked because of candle smoke.
Fall is off to a rocky start.

Stuff

Sorry about not posting for a few days. I watched the first episode of RuPaul UK. That was kind of trippy. I've been watching the latest season of Dragula as well. I think I'm enjoying it more than last season, although it has had a LOT of drama.

Yesterday was cool and nice. Today was hot and awful again, but hopefully, it's the last day of that for a while. If things would just stay cooler for a while, maybe everything could be better. I need that.

The Vicious Cycle

The dryer is fixed. It cost over 100$, but at least it was fixable. This means less drama about the whole situation. It was just one of a billion things that need to be fixed in this house. I literally fantasize about the house being fixed. The problem is, no money and no energy are available for these fixes so things just continue to decay until they break. That is the hell of being poor and disabled.

I mean, you basically just hope you die before anything major happens. It's kind of like how a lot of poor people hope they die before they reach an age where they're too messed up to work anymore. People want to know why we have an opioid crisis? This. People are despairing. The drugs make them forget the pain. A lot of people also hope the drugs kill them before anything else awful happens. It's a nasty cycle of despair.

Wow, I'm depressing tonight. I shouldn't be. The dryer is working. I had the money to pay the bill for it. I can have dry clothes again. I'm thankful for all of that.

NOPE

AND......the dryer broke. Yes, folks, that is our first day of October. It's still hot. It's still ragweedy. It's still muggy and nasty and all that, but on top of it all, the dryer broke. SIGH.

Oh and the cat ripped the hell out of my arm last night.

Finally

This is the last day of the month. This month has been hot and annoying and felt like it was 30 years long. Seriously. What was up with this month?

Anyway, here's hoping October will be better. I honestly don't have much planned and I'm really okay with that. What I would really like is for it to cool down enough so that we can sleep well at night and not be miserable during the day.

Having said that and despite my complaining, today was pretty good. I figured out theory I want to run with in the Grant Experiment. We'll see how it goes.

Tink

As I'm writing this, Tinkerbell is on my shoulder. She's been on me for most of the day, making it difficult to type or stay cool. Still, I'm okay with it. Well, most of the time. I've never had a cat love on me this much. It's kind of neat.

When it's not annoying.

Hotumn

It's hot. It's been hot all day. It will be hot tonight. Tomorrow it is supposed to be hot, thankfully, it will be hot enough to justify turning on the AC. In fact, several days this week, it is supposed to reach 90. This is too much.

Less Nasty

Things were better for me today. It was cooler and that helped me to sleep. I'm still so lacking in sleep that my body is crashing into this deep, almost violent level of sleep when I can manage. It's helpful, but I wake up really stiff and achy.

We still have some bright days and that's good. I know the drear will arrive soon enough. Hopefully by the time it does, I'll be better rested.

Gabye

It's supposed to be only 82 tomorrow, but depending on the humidity, that could still be unpleasant. Today was awful. We hit 90 and the heat index was making it feel even worse.

The heat continues.
The bugs won't go back to Hell.
The grass continues to grow.

Summer is over. Officially. Someone needs to tell Mother Nature.

Perspective

Been watching Rupaul's DR season 5 for the first time since it aired. This has been kind of trippy. Quite a few of the queens on this season are very famous and it's been interesting to revisit them from when they looked so young. Especially Jinkx. Jinkx looks so little.

But you know, the person who stood out for me the most on the rewatch was Roxxxy Andrews. The first time through, Roxxxy just seemed like a bully. I did not like her because I was so firmly on Jinkx's side. It felt like a replay of the pageant queen versus comedy queen war of season 4.

But knowing ahead of time that Jinkx will win, I was able to watch Roxxxy with open eyes. I was able to see her beauty and charm. I was able to more understand her frustration. Honestly, Roxxxy probably could have won had she gotten out of her own way. She was right about a lot of things. She tried very hard in challenges, even when it was deeply out of her comfort zone. And of the final three, she did the best at all the challenges in that last competitive episode.

So, again, this is a case of someone self-sabotaging because the focused more on another contestant than they did on just trying to do their best. Instead of making their reality TV narrative about their own struggle, they became a villain to be defeated in someone else's narrative. I really think if Roxxy would have carved a storyline that revolved around her pushing herself no matter what, she would have won that season.

So yeah, do not focus on other people when it comes to achieving your goals. Focus on you.  Paying attention to other people in your field, fretting about what they're accomplishing, worried about if you measure up......all of that is just energy taken away from the work toward your own achievements. Ignore them. Focus on you.

Still Sticky

It's in the 70s tonight, but we have like 98% humidity and it's making everything sticky and awful. I can't even think right now. I should be working on a project, but the idea of scratchy yarn touching me is just all kinds of awful. I don't even want to pet the cat . . . even though I will pet the cat.

This has to let up. This HAS to let up. Please.

Weekend Stuff

I didn't blog all weekend. I kind of needed a break to collect my thoughts and regroup my brain. Summer is dragging its feet about exiting. People are sick of me bitching about it (and everything else). That's fair.

I watched Derry Girls this weekend and really enjoyed it. Shout out to my roommate for telling me about the show. I also watched part of an older season of Rupaul, one I'd not seen since it aired. Oh, plus I read a bunch of Clark Ashton Scott stories. All of this has given me odd dreams, but a lot of fun things to think about.

Also, just to note, that Area 51 thing just turned into a small alien festival for the most part. This is probably for the best.

Experiment

I tried the new veggie burger from Burger King today. I did this mostly for my dad. He's been a vegetarian for years and I know he sometimes has trouble finding things to eat at various establishments.  He'd mentioned he wanted to the burger, but hadn't had a chance.

The taste was fine. It didn't blow me away, but I certainly wasn't offended. The problem was the price. Over five dollars felt about two dollars too much for the burger. If I'd paid somewhere in the three dollar range, I would have been happy with this, but anything over that felt excessive. I don't think that price is going to make people excited about the burger. I think it's going to make them feel used.

Sweltering

Today was not comfortable. It was supposed to cool down, but really it just cooled down enough for us to not really justify turning on the AC, but it still being miserable and buggy and awful. I was uncomfortable and irritated all day. It wasn't fun.

September has really dragged me down this year. It's just been awful where the weather is concerned. It needs to end.

On a side note. tomorrow is supposed to be when everyone storms Area 51. I wonder if anything will actually happen.

Satisfied

I don't want to jinx this, but I'm in a good mood tonight. For one thing, the weather isn't completely awful. It's still in the 70s, but the heat index isn't reading any higher than the temp, so it isn't awful.

Second of all, I finished my little tunic for the cousin. It's cute. I did it in a lighter weight yarn so it feels lighter. I debated about putting sleaves on it, but when I took pics of it, I realized it worked better the way it is.

Third, some experiments I've been doing are starting to pay off. The lip balm experiment is going well. My lips aren't as jacked up as they usually are. I'm really hoping this works in the dead of winter as well. I have another, more grand scale experiment happening that I'm not ready to discuss just yet, but it's going well too.

So for, once, in so many ways, I'm ending my evening satisfied with life. Yay.

Sticky

It's too late in the year for it to be this sticky, and yet, it is. Checked out the forecast and we're in the 90s for several days this week and then in the high 80s. In fact, we're not out of the 80s for the rest of the month. This is insane.

I mean, if we were talking about the low 80s or 80s without high humidity, that would be one thing. But no. I could honestly cry about this. We're not okay.

Sigh

I didn't blog last night because I was just too damned hot and uncomfortable to do so. My mental state is shot. Everything is shot. This lingering heat is killing us. I'm paranoid from the lack of sleep and just worn down.

Anyway, surely as the weeks move closer to October we'll get something close to cooler weather. Maybe? Please?

Not the End

This heat keeps dragging on and it's sucking the life out of everyone and everything. My roommate is flat out sick because of the heat and the ragweed combined. The cats look ready to fall over. I'm shocked I haven't fallen over.....though some dead mint tried really hard to make that happen yesterday.

The head NEEDS to end. The AC has been on more during September than it was during July. No one has gotten a decent night's sleep in weeks. No one has been dry for weeks. This just has to stop.

Not on Tonight

Two things were happening at once to me tonight that were taking my mind and heart in different directions. One was a kind of nasty truth about my physical situation. The other was an article about how the key to self-love is accepting even your most nasty truths and choosing to love yourself anyway. And yes, that is how unconditional love works. To be honest, probably the healthiest way to love yourself is unconditional. It's just hard.

Because in my case, that is a LOT of self-acceptance. That's saying 'well, okay' to a LOT of stuff. But what choice is there really? It's either accept your lot or spend all your days miserable and then die mad.

There is this rumor that once you really love yourself, you actually start to fix a lot of the issues you were struggling to love yourself about in the first place. That's the theory anyway. Any truth to it? Does anyone really know?

I guess I can give it a shot. I'm tired of this constant state of self-loathing I've been in. It's doing me no good and it's keeping me frightened, broken, and hopeless. I've made other changes in my life. Maybe I can make this one. 

Not in the Cards

There is this pattern going around in my crochet group for a very cute tunic. You have to buy the pattern, but the price is reasonable. And, honestly, that's only for the adult sizes. All of the kid sizes are offered for free.

Even if I bought it, I was going to have to make adjustments and do math before I could make it for myself. One of my cousins is expecting a baby and as the little patterns are free, I thought I'd test the infant one out to see if I could even do this. That way she gets a gift, I get to try the pattern out.

I watched the video over making it a couple of nights ago. It seemed straight forward enough. Last night I practiced on some old yarn to see how it would go. I thought I had the concept down. Today we put my test tunic on the cat (she was not amused) and I thought I knew what I was doing. I pulled out some of the 'good yarn' and thought to myself how great it would be to have this little tunic ready in a couple of days.

Ha.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Okay, first of all, the 'good yarn' turned into a knotted up mess that took me the better part of the evening to unravel. After that, I was kind of over the whole process for a while, so I played Sims until 10.

I thought things were going great until I realized my second row in that I'd somehow twisted the chain and my work was folding in on itself. I just.....I CHECKED THAT CHAIN THREE TIMES. But no.

So I'm kind of over it again. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. Or maybe not. Right now I'm just annoyed and think the 'good yarn' is ugly and kind of hate everything.

Not on the Pulse

I was watching some analysis of season 7 of RPDR today, a season often criticized for being boring and rigged. Most of this is due to the confirmed theory that the producers wanted to appeal to a younger demographic, as the last several winners had been older, seasoned queens and there was worry the show would fade into cancelation.

During season 7, it was decided ahead of time the winner would be a younger, more fashionable queen who connected with the younger population. Various rules and outcomes were bent to achieve this outcome. And in a way, it worked. If you ask most young people who their favorite queens are, two that will always be mentioned DID come from that season. These two queens have an extremely popular Youtube show. One has a podcast that has been nominated for several awards. The other has best selling albums, a documentary, and a makeup line. Both have soldout one-woman shows.

And in another more profound way, the plan of the producers did NOT work, because I am not talking about the queen who won the season or the young queen who was standing next to her when she was crowned. I'm talking about Trixie and Katya, neither of whom even placed in the top 4.

The problem is, when you're older, you look at things from your perspective and can only make educated guesses about what will appeal to younger people. You've not lived their lives or grown up in their culture. As much as you want to put yourself in their shows, you really can't.

I will never deny the skills of the 'beautiful young queens' on season 7. Some of them are aesthetically the best in the business. But that isn't what struck a chord with people. Turns out, what younger people (and even a lot of us older people) took away from that season and loved about it was Katya's dark humor, intelligence, and crushing self-doubt. We also loved how Trixie wore outlandish makeup, an illusion of awful skills done with superb skills, quick wit, and unwillingness to accept loserdom. Most of all, we love their honesty and weirdness.

Do I have a point here? Actually, yes. It's good to have an outcome in mind. Goals are nice. However, you do everyone, including yourself, a disservice if you stick so strictly to what you think you want that you miss the amazing things you have right in front of you. Oh and of course, never assume you know what someone else will love about a situation. That whole 'making an ass of you and me' thing is always true.

The House

I would give anything to move out of this house. I'm sad about that. I used to love it. This house was my safety and security as a teenager. Everything here was good and clean and better than my mother's home.

But it seems that I lack my grandparents' ability to maintain things. The house is a mess now. It's broken. More things go wrong every day. The floors have wonky spots I don't trust. Almost all of the windows are a struggle. Very few of the doors function properly. It's hot. It's muggy. Or it's cold. I never feel like everything is going to be alright here, not anymore. I just worry what will go wrong next.

I planned on being out of here in five years. I failed. One more thing in the long list of things (basically, everything) that I have failed to do. Now I don't even know how to manage to get out of here. I'm not even sure the steps I need to take to make the house the best it can be. It just overwhelms me.

Maybe I should just drag in a trash can and start tossing away stuff I've not even messed with in years. At least if the house was more empty, it would be less overwhelming. Or maybe it will help once it's less humid outside.

The Update

Sims 4 updated with some free content. I was cool with most of it, but one thing just made me SO happy. We can now use made different types of STAIRS!

I mean, I'm a fat woman so, in my real life, I HATE stairs, but as a house designer, I love them. Before we could only do straight up and down stairs. But now look at what I can do! Look!

The Lingering

I don't know why I always get excited about September. The heat never goes away. Sure, it cools down (somewhat) earlier in the evening, but it's still hot. We're still running the AC and it's still miserable when it's not on.

So yeah, this month is basically the lingering of summer. I feel sorry for the kids who had to start school already and endure this. I'm sure it isn't fun for them.

The Big Show

I was weirdly emotional for no reason last night and then someone posted this article. After that, I was at least emotional about something. In fact, I felt a lot of ways about this.

If you don't want to read the article (though it is good), it's a letter to a fellow fat woman the author saw while on vacation. The woman she's writing to was vibrant and amazing and having a very good time. Then the staff of the place did something to humiliate her in front of a whole crowd of people. It's devastating.

Okay, first of all, I guess on the positive side, I am happy the author wrote this and showed such empathy toward the woman. All too often, fat people are pressured to hate each other. My grandmother was really bad about this. She would talk about other fat people with such disgust and then encourage me to view them the same way. I guess the logic is that if you come to hate the fat on others, you'll not want it on yourself? Not exactly how that works.

Anyway, I'm glad the author was supportive and I'm glad she marveled at the beauty of this woman instead of being spiteful or shaming about it. That's refreshing and maybe a sign that in some ways, our ideas about bodies are changing.

On the other hand, we have the staff of the vacation place who pig partied this fat woman. Fuck them. Fat people are not your free entertainment. On one hand, I hope she sued. On the other, if she did, there would be a barrage of articles about how people are too sensitive and snowflakes and all that cliched crap. That is not the case here. If you are paying for an expensive vacation, part of that is the idea that you will be treated with common decency.

On a personal note, I was never this vibrant beautiful fat woman who shined with goddess glory. I know women like this, but it was never me. That's okay. On one hand, I blame the Grandmother stuff. On the other, it's just not my personality. I guess I ranged from "just don't look at me and let me go about my business in peace kthanx" to "yeah I'm fat so what fuck you!" I never did anything to be inspiring, but on the other hand, that's not my job.

I would say I hope this woman recovered and had a good vacation, but after living in this kind of body for most of my life, the truth is, this situation probably marred it for her. The staff of this place did the opposite of their job here. They should seriously be fired.

The Quality

My roommate and I went out today for his birthday dinner. We'd both been to the chain before, but not this specific restaurant. I don't think either of us was expecting the best meal of our lives here, but certainly better than what we got.

On the way home, we discussed how it's possible both of us have our tastes set at a certain level of quality for certain foods and the local places seem to not be delivering that quality. And look, I'm not even saying it's HIGH quality we're expecting, just....something reasonably decent that's been properly seasoned. I don't think that is too much to ask.

The Disconnect

I think one of the primary problems with suicide prevention is that the people trying to do the professional side of the preventing don't really grasp the issue. Psychologists, therapists, doctors, and the like are all, by the very nature of being in their profession, successful people capable of changing their circumstances. Even if they have some mental or emotional issues going on, even if they've personally suffered from addiction, they have, at least enough to achieve their degree, managed their obstacles.

But for a lot of suicidal people, that isn't the case. We tend to treat the suicidal like they're having a moment of emotional crisis. If you look at the majority of suicide prevention websites, they will emphasize that the want to kill yourself is only temporary. And yes, the crisis level of wanting it may be temporary, but the desire to end your life is very rarely just about emotions.

Because the people who try to prevent suicide are successful, they don't grasp the fundamental hell of being a failure. They don't understand the constant gnawing tension of poverty. They don't feel the day to day dread of wondering when the next thing will go wrong.

One of the most unhelpful pieces of suicide prevention advice I ever read was 'think about things to look forward to.' A lot of people who want to kill themselves do not 'look forward' to anything in a positive way. They just exist from moment to moment, praying nothing will screw up or break. Even when they have to go to an event where most people would 'look forward to it,' they are too consumed with worry to enjoy themselves. And while sometimes this may just be paranoia, other times it's PTSD after bad stuff has happened to them at events like this.

When you are successful and you try to get people who are not successful to be positive, you don't grasp their darkness. I used to wonder why people past 40 were still screwing up in the same ways they did when they were younger. In some cases, yeah, it's patterns. In other cases, hell, maybe they just feel like they've failed for too many years to justify the supreme effort it would take to make their lives better when it will only be better for maybe a decade at the most before old age starts ripping it all away again?

Oh and it's so much worse if you've consistently failed in life and you're also smart. Now you not only have the dread of when something goes wrong and the sense of failure, but you're also ashamed. You probably had the tools to fix things, but you didn't. Now everything sucks and you're old and in pain and have nothing to look forward to and it's embarrassing.  And no, that isn't a temporary feeling that will go away. That is the circumstances of your life.

Okay, my point being, I think people who are trying to keep the suicidal from becoming the dead need to reevaluate their tactics. If you really want them to live, you need to look beyond the temporary chemical issues and tackle the real hell they face.

Quick Post

Happy birthday to my roommate. I hope his year is full of joy and peace.

As for me, I'm not comfortable tonight and really don't feel like blogging. Sleep well.

The System

One of the things you have to do when you have mobility issues is to plan things when you know you're going to have to deal with a lot of walking. It's important to have a system in place.

One vital element is to know as much about your route as you can. This isn't always possible, of course. For instance, today I went to the movies. I knew my route plans and when/where I could sit while in the lobby, but I did not know what theater bay I'd be in. Now in some cases, it's possible to call ahead and find out. Admittedly, I could have tried that. It used to be the theater only played a recording of what was playing, but I haven't checked in a while. Maybe now they have people who will talk to you.

It's good to know your limitations. I know about how far I can comfortably walk before I need to sit down. As long as I can break trips up to keep within those limits, I'm usually okay. However, this also means I need to plan extra time to make this happen and still get to the theater before the movie starts. My roommate and I always plan extra time to ensure we don't miss anything.

Speaking of my roommate, when you have mobility issues, it also helps if you have someone in your corner. My roommate is really my hero here. He gets my chair/walker out of vehicles for me and puts them back in. Today he was kind enough to check some alternate routes for me so I would know the best exit to take out of the building. This meant a lot to me. It saved me tons of mental and physical stress.

Finally, turn your ego off. Walking with equipment is unusual and people will stare. Sometimes they even make comments, whisper, or laugh at you. Should they do this? No, but you can't control what others do. Just focus on your own tasks and don't let their words or actions touch you. There are a lot of people out there who need mobility help but won't use it because they're worried about what people will say. The opinions of others should never outweigh your comfort, health, or safety.

I'm in pain now that I'm home, but not as much as I could be. I managed things well today thanks to planning, staying calm, and having someone willing to help me. I'm grateful for all of that.

The Bad Morning

As you know, in weather like this, I go to bed really late to try and ride out the high humidity/heat so I can sleep better. Normally this method works pretty well, but last night, the electricity snapped off close to 7AM. I'd fallen asleep around three.

Needless to say, I've been useless. I'm dizzy and my balance is off. I'm having to take everything very slowly. I have to shower tonight and I hope I can manage to do that without killing myself or breaking anything. I can really do without that kind of disruption to my life. 

The Good Dreams

I had some stuff in my dreams last night that made me very happy. It wasn't one of those things that made a lot of sense when I woke up, but the happiness lingered. That was nice.

I'm starting to look for Christmas gifts. I mean, for myself, not for other people. Well, I have some ideas for that too. My brother likes hot sauce a lot. He gets hot sauce this year.

Anyway, overall it was a good day. Sometimes the dreams really can set the tone.

All Ragweed

Ragweed season is here, along with 'too hot to keep the windows shut but not so hot you can justify turning on the AC" season. This means exposure to the nasty weed and all the ways my body reacts to it.

However, it has also cooled down enough that the cats are getting their appetites back. That is always a good sign.

We're heading out of summer and while I won't miss the heat, I will miss the light. We've had some overcast days but for the most part, the sunlight has been glorious.

All Rotten

On the way to my appointment yesterday, my best friend asked me to name something in media I suspected had darkness to it but I really didn't want to confirmation on. Before I could answer, she realized that had already happened to me, as I found out a few years ago that my favorite childhood author was a pedophile.

And yes, that was the worst one. I honestly still think about it more often than you would suspect and it still makes me feel a lot of type of ways. The irony is, when I got home, I read an article about a documentary that is coming out about Dungeons and Dragons and how a lot of stuff was stolen from people to make that happen.

I mean, I wasn't surprised, I guess. But it still sucks. The phrase 'nothing's sacred' used to mean that people didn't respect the sacred nature of things. These days? It just means everything is, at its core, really pretty rotten.

Which is fine, I guess. It's the human condition. We're all full of contradictions, goodness, evilness, greed, selflessness, the whole mess. No one is just ONE thing in either direction. I just wish people would be more open and honest about it when they teach us stuff.

Yeah, this woman wrote these books and they're really good. She nurtured a lot of other authors and really opened the field for women fantasy writers. She also married a pedophile and raped/gaslighted her own daughter.

This guy wrote up the start of what would become a fantasy roleplaying game that has, in many ways, been a part of most of the significant relationships in your life. He also stole the majority of his ideas from other people and manipulated a practically homeless kid into working for him.

It's rotten, yeah.....but then again, the good stuff grows from the rot, right?

Sigh.

The Conclusion

I passed my five year mark. I have been released from cancer purgatory. I am, as far as they know, free and clear. I could cry. I did cry, actually. It's such a relief.

It's also a little anticlimactic, but that's fine. This whole process has been way too climatic as it was. Too much blood. Too much mess. Too much fear. Too much cutting and recovery and meeting people and talking to people and appointments.

This chapter is over for now. I'm going to try and make the most of it. Maybe I'll ask for that podcast starter kit for Christmas. We'll see.

The Waiting

I survived my day of waiting. I've been lowkey nervous. There were things I should have been doing but I didn't. I just couldn't focus on them.

If all goes well tomorrow, I will be free of Tulsa Cancer Center. I need to be free of it, honestly. I need to put this part of my life behind me.

The Appointment

I have my (hopefully) last appointment in Tulsa on Monday. I wish I wasn't scared about it, but I think I will always be scared of any kind of appointment where I have to have a vaginal exam. It led to one of the scariest points of my adult life. I mean, also one of the luckiest because my cancer was found super early, but still.

Anyway, tomorrow won't be easy on me emotionally. I'll just try my best to not be panicky. I'll do what I have to do, prep stuff, get clean. The goal is to show up to my appointment and be told I have my five years of clean cancerfreeness and then move on with my life. I really hope this happens.

The Cat

Tinkerbell has now decided her new lounge of choice is my shoulder. This is fine for a while, but then it gets hot or my shoulder gets sore.

Once I start trying to move her, things get dicey. She growls at me, then howls, refusing to move. Sometimes she goes at me with claws and gums. She's so old, she doesn't have teeth anymore, so I get gummed. It's a little scary though because if she did have teeth, I'd be sporting some nasty bites right now.

Once I get her to move, she tries to wiggle her way back as soon as possible. If it's long enough to where my shoulder isn't hurting and my body has cooled down, I'm fine. Otherwise, more howling and gumming.

The Farce

There were several headlines I read today that I assumed HAD TO BE jokes. Just honestly, seriously jokes. Nothing could be this ridiculous.

Ohh but how wrong I was. Every single one of those stories turned out to be true. This is seriously a lot of stupid for one day. Also, the Rain Forest is on fire so we're probably all going to die. Which....okay. *shrug*

The Positive Side

Guys. Last night was SO BAD. It was hellish in the house. No one got any sleep. Everyone is tired today and just kind of dragging around. Tonight may or may not be any better. I hope it is because last night was horrible.

The humidity isn't going away. It just lingers and weighs us down. It's awful here.

ON THE POSITIVE SIDE, when my roommate and I were driving back into town this afternoon, the sky was so beautiful. We had some clouds overhead with the sun shining through them, creating all kinds of depth in the way the clouds appeared. It was stunning. I can get really focused on the misery of summer, but I will never deny how magnificently gorgeous it can be.

The Experiment

I was on this braindead loop of watching beauty hacks last night. Honestly, I think I saw the same one three or four times. Most of it was either stuff I'd seen before or things that were not practical for my life.

Then I saw this woman putting on lip balm for her tattered lips. She rubbed it on for like two full minutes, staying in each zone for quite a while. I watched her and couldn't help but wonder if I'd been putting on chapstick wrong this whole time. I just ran it over my lips. Is this something I need to change?

I tried her method. Admittedly, I didn't stay in each zone as long, but it was still more attention to the whole process than I usually grant. When I woke up this morning, my lips still felt hydrated. I mean, even after sleeping with a CPAP on and that never happens.

So I'm going to do an experiment for the rest of the month. I'll continue to do the whole longer rubbing of balm on my lips and see if it makes some kind of difference. At the very least, maybe I can finally get rid of this caramel apple stuff I'm using. It's kind of nasty, which seems unfair for something caramel apple flavored. I'll report back later.

The Cuts

Tinkerbell is old. She's very old. She's clumsy and grumpy and wants to sit beside or on me most of the time. Due to all of these factors, I am now cut on both legs, both arms, and both hands. It's a mess.

I never like situations like this. I know she's not doing well. I know she wants comfort. I also know that I would like to extend the same kindness to old cats that I would hope someone extends to me if by some miracle I actually manage to live long enough to get old.

On the other hands, I don't have claws to dig into people.

The Edge

I'm mostly complaining again. You can skip this post if you want. I completely understand.

Misery continues as we endured another hot day. The AC was on early (and I am SO THANKFUL FOR IT, I am), but when we'd turn it off for a while to make sure it didn't screw up, the heat would just surge back. Tonight it's going to take it forever to cool down. I'll probably be up until at least three. I tried to go to bed at two last night and I regret it. It was still too muggy. I ended up sleeping horribly. I plan on this being the last year for that though. I'm doing research on ways to make my bed cooler and plan to try to make as many of them happen as possible.

At least we're halfway through August.

The Anger

I was angry today. Angry at the heat and at the world and at the people in it and at my situation and at being stuck and at bugs and at the cats. You know, basically angry at everything. It was not a good day. I wanted to just hide in my room, zone out, speak and see no one. 

Anyway, I'm sure it's just exhaustion from summer/lack of sleep/hell life. Tomorrow I may wake up all sunshine.....well, sunshine for me, anyway. But for now, no. Grrr.

The Door

Ol Boy came and fixed the door today. I'm impressed. He showed up on time, did his work, didn't stretch the whole process out, was upfront about costs. That was a nice change.

Also a nice change? I slept well. I'm possibly going to sleep well again tonight. This is blissful news.

The Bond

Tinkerbell will now sit on my lap. I thought this might have been a fluke the first time she did it, but she's done it quite a few times since, so I'm guessing this is part of her acceptable behavior now. It's neat that we've come to this level of acceptance.

It's also made me realize that I've been very blessed in my life. For a long time, I focused on the people who didn't love me, the ones I wanted to love me, the ones I felt should have. At the end of the day though, none of that matters. People (and animals) either love you or they don't.

Where the beauty comes in is that the people (and animals) I have shared the closest bonds with are the ones who really love me for just being me. They don't want anything beyond my ability to play with them and just talk to them. It's beautiful and enriching. I'm grateful for it.

Complaining in Advance

Normally I wait until the weather is at least in the lowish 70s (assuming it will get there) before going to bed. Tonight I have no choice.  I have to be up by 5 AM, which means in bed by ten. At ten, it's supposed to still be 90. Sigh. This is insane.

This is skinny people weather. It isn't for people like me. I'm just barely hanging on as it is and tonight is going to be torturous. I hate summer. 

Impostor Syndrome

I helped my nephew with a paper today. I did some editing and made some suggestions about how he should structure things. Even though I know what I did was all proper and correct, I still feel nervous. Another English teacher will see my work.

The part of me that suffers from Imposter Syndrome wonders if what I suggested was good. What if all of my input makes me look stupid? I wish I didn't feel this way. I know I'm good at what I do. It sucks that I'm such a fraud about confidence when it comes to my actual skills. I know I have them. What even is this?

Oh well.

Bad RNG

Today was hard. A lot of the house's annoyances all went wrong at once. Plus it was hot and sticky. Plus some stuff that normally doesn't go wrong also went wrong. It was bad.

I think August is the hardest month. My roommate hates the growing gloom of Fall, but to me, the end of summer is awful. We've already endured two difficult months of heat. Now most of the internal resources we possessed are depleted. We're both uncomfortable and edgy. The normal number of spoons is gone.

The stuff that normally doesn't screw up got handled. My stomach has been in a mess ever since. Now I'm worried what else might go wrong or break.  We're tired. We hurt. We both have health issues going on. It's a lot.

Anyway, hopefully things will be better tomorrow. Or at least, hopefully things won't test us.

Curious

When I got home, my roommate asked me if I'd noticed the little box's cover was broken. I had not. I looked at it and realized there is no way I wouldn't have noticed. It's cracked pretty badly.

And so.....we have no idea how this happened. Yesterday when I cleaned the box, there was no crack. Last night he was back there several times and there was no crack. It's seriously too large for him to miss it. I was out of the house by five this morning and admittedly, I was kind of out of it, but I still think I would have noted this big crack.

I guess it happened at some point between me leaving and him waking up to feed the cats? We guess one of them jumped on the box and caused the crack. Or maybe it was cracked a little beforehand and a jump made it worse. We really have no idea.

I'm not mad about it. We've had this same box for over ten years. I'm just baffled.

Analogies

It seems that people are getting rather upset that mass shootings are being blamed on men (you know, the people who do them) and have decided that the rest of us need to be kinder. In fact, someone on Facebook posted that in the same way it is emotional abuse to keep pointing at a kid and telling them everything is their fault, it is abusive to men as a group for them to be blamed for doing the thing that some of them did. Uggh.

Okay, three things.

First thing. No one is blaming ALL the men. We all know they all haven't gone and shot up people. However, enough of them have done this to where it is clearly a problem that needs to be addressed.

Second thing, to expand on the analogy, no you should not blame your kid for all the social ills in the world or even all the things going wrong in your life or household. However, if your kid is consistently breaking the toys of other children because those children won't play with them or play in a way they don't like or are playing with toys they think only THEY should be allowed to have, then YES, you should say something to your kid about their behavior.

Third, and this is the one that sets my teeth on edge, where in the fuck was this 'let's be kind and not place blame' attitude when the people being blamed were women or POCs or the poor or LGBT+ or any other group besides men? And let's be clear here, the person who posted this was not thinking about men of color or gay men or men who weren't Christians. She was thinking about her cis straight white middle-class sons and worried people weren't being nice to them.

You know, I revise my opinion here. Somewhat. The adult men who decide to kill people are to blame for their actions, but the parents who set them down this path of entitlement and spoiled behavior share some of the blame.

Seeing

And so on top of having glasses, I now also have readers. I guess this makes sense. My last eye appointment was traumatic and unhelpful. The glasses I got from it sucked. They work at distances when I'm driving. Well, most of the time. They suck at me trying to see anything up close.

So now I have readers. My roommate got me the second weakest ones. They make me slightly woozy when I try to look up or if I try to look at the computer. Honestly, I can mostly just use them to read. Still, that's helpful in reading the smaller print stuff.

Do I feel old about it? I mean, no more than any of the other stuff. No more than the gray hair or the stiff joints or the saggy tits. I'm in my 40s. People get readers.

The important thing is I can read the little squiggles again.

Do Not Argue on Facebook

This is one of my basic rules in my life. I do not argue with people on Facebook. It works with my philosophy of trying to set up good habits for myself by doing nothing. I excel at doing nothing.

There are days when it is HARD to do nothing though. Today was one of those days. People are posting all kinds of idiotic stuff about the shootings. It's because of no prayer in school. It's because of homosexuality. It's because of feminism.

NO BITCHES! NO!

These were adults. These were adult men who decided to kill people. They made the choice to do this. They pulled the triggers. They wrote the manifestos. They planned out their killing. They did it. It is their fault. You cannot blame society on the actions of people who just so happen to be discontented with how that society is going. It's working for most everyone else. Just because you're not getting every little bitty thing you think you're entitled to get doesn't mean you can slide your blame to someone else.

I did not say this on Facebook. I did not argue with people. I focused on other posts and talked about glitter instead. I managed to do nothing, even though it was difficult.