NYE

It was a cold and rainy New Year's Eve. We stayed in the house most of the day. I took an amazing nap. We ate pizza and cake for dinner. It was sedate and perfect. 

It's been a strange and sad year. A lot of needless pain happened. A lot of needless suffering happened. A lot of needless violence happened. Many people are going to be in very different places this time next year, emotionally, physically, and in every other way.

I'm ending the year in gratitude. I have a home and a car. I am not ill and my household stayed intact. I am deeply grateful for that, for my friends, my family, and all the things that bring me joy. 

Happy New Year.

The Good Things

I started this post by thinking I only did two things this year that improve my life. Then I remembered another. Then another. Then more. Quite honestly, despite the hell of 2020. I did a lot of stuff that has made my life better.

I started folding my clothes. For most of my life, I just haphazardly folded my stuff, if at all. I'd say a lot of the time, my stuff just stated in the Clean basket. Now I fold my clothes and it makes things so much better. Admittedly, I'm not as prompt about folding them as I should be. They often sit in the hallway for a bit before being folded, but they do, eventually, get folded and then put in drawers. 

Folding my clothes led to a general reorganization of my room. I culled a lot of stuff I didn't need. I cleaned things. I situated the closet and moved things to where the stuff I need the most is closest to me. 

I bought a new mattress and replaced all my pillowcases. This has made my bed an enjoyable and comfortable sleeping experience.

I have made things around me more beautiful. I got new knobs for my dresser. I put up curtains. I placed pretty things on my bookshelf and situated the books in a way that pleases me. I bought cute baskets and bottles. I made pompoms and a pillow sham. 

I started doing videos. I've written a lot about that. I'm taking a bit of time off from it while I try to ride out the end of the year, but I've loved the process of learning how to edit and produce my own videos. 

I bought a lightbox to combat my SAD. I think it's working too. I'm sleeping better and the brainwasps aren't as horrible. 

I started a monthly subscription for sheetmasks. I get four a month. It gives me something to look forward to, it helps to heal my skin, and it's not something just piling up in the house. 

I now own car slippers.  THAT'S RIGHT, people. I have comfortable slippers I wear while I'm in the car. They made the trip to Tulsa so much easier. They make all trips where I'm riding shotgun easier. They're warm and comfortable and perfect. 

So, you know, I'm not going to leave this year thinking I did nothing for my life. I did quite a few things that have made things much better for me. Some of them were simple. Some of them were time-consuming. Some of them require me to up my dedication to them a bit more. But still. They are things I did. I'm glad I did them. I'm thankful to the people who helped me do them. 

One Year Later

This time last year my roommate and I were discussing if he should try to go to the clinic or the hospital. He was very sick and had to sleep on the couch. On 12/30/19, he went into the clinic and they sent him to the hospital. I spent the night alone in the house and waited. 

By the next day, he wanted out of there. We got him home and for weeks afterward, he recovered. 

Illness and stress about illness started in my household months before Covid became the main focus of things. Since then, we've been as careful as we could be to keep ourselves healthy. I'm hoping we can both get vaccinations as soon as they are available for people on our tier of receiving them. In the meantime, we'll just try our best to remain safe. 

I had a lot of plans for the end of the year. I wanted to do some videos and write some fun things here on the blog. I'm finding that I just really can't. I'm out of my Yearspoons. I just need to ride out the rest of this and hope I'm okay.

Hoping for a Quiet Year

 I made some progress on the blanket. Not much, but enough that I'm positive about the experience. I'll be doing my pen training now and probably for an hour or so. 

It's been a quiet weekend and I'm happy for that. I hope the week is quiet and the transition into the new year is as well. I think we ALL need that. 

Day After Christmas

I decided my knitted blanket is too small and decided I would add an extra line to it. Every side will have two more inches. I think this will give it what it needs to really be a viable blanket. If not, I'll add another two past that.

Aside from that, we ate leftovers and chilled for the day. I needed a quiet day and I got it. Yay. 

I also started working with my draw tablet. I'm going to commit to really training myself to use it well. I really like it, actually. I'm glad I asked for it for Christmas.

Post Christmas Exhaustion

 So Christmas Eve was hard. Being around other people was hard. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be and I was so tired. I'm still tired. I went to bed early last night and I probably will again tonight. It was just way too much for me.

Which is kinda sad because it was just a few people. But they were so loud and so much. It was just all way too much math. 

I enjoyed the holidays but I'm glad they're overwith. I just want things to be okay. No sickness or hospitals or injuries. Just please for once a pleasant and stress-free winter. 

My Birthday

 My birthday is tomorrow. I will be 47. 

What do I want for my birthday? I am, honestly, very sincere about this. 

I want my home to be safe and secure. I want us to be healthy and stable. I want us to have a happy year. I want this, not just for my home, but all homes. I want things to get back to normal and just be OKAY again. 

Everything else just seems kinda trivial. 

Scatterbrained

I returned a book early today because I knew my focus was slipping so badly I'd never be able to finish it. I'll check it out again when the holidays are finished. Maybe I can focus then. Hopefully.

I need to make a checklist for my gifts tomorrow. I'm wrapping all the rest of the stuff and I need to make sure everything gets handled. Some gifts have more than one part to them. 

Thursday will be the responsible gift exchange. Then holiday stuff is just lowkey fun with my roommate. I'm ready for 2020 to be over, but I'm also a little scared. The first of the year can often go stressful/scary/bad for me. Maybe not 2021 though. I really hope everything is okay.

Longest Night

The longest night hosted a Grand Conjunction. We opted to not do some things today, though we did eat ice cream and that was also grand. 

Tomorrow I plan on kind of not doing much. Wednesday I have to wrap gifts and get myself ready for the gift exchange (responsibly) with my family. This is a weird holiday with weird distance rules. We'll do what we can, but everyone needs to stay safe. I do not want people getting sick this Christmas.

Past that, we'll probably have a lowkey Christmas and a lowkey New Year. That's also fine. I think everyone is tired from this year and just needs to do the festive minimum. 

I am, however, eating my blackeyed peas. 

Even Easier Sunday

I kinda did nothing today. I folded some clothes but that hardly counts as I did it really late in the evening. I talked to my friends. I avoided a phonecall. Honestly, that was about it.

So let's start the year in review.

Favorite Book

We Sold Our Souls -Grady Hendrix

I read a lot this year and I'll do a top books list later (maybe) but I have to say this was my favorite book. It's the one I just can't shake out of my brain. I think about it a lot. 

The book is from the perspective of a grown-up, and that helps tremendously. It's not that I'm against young protagonists, it's just that I'm kinda bored with youthful povs. The secondary pov is that of a younger woman, but she's still at least a grown person. Our main protagonist is a woman who has been through hell and back again. And then some. She's complex. When we meet her, she's at a very low point in her life, but a very relatable point for anyone who has ever basically failed at things. 

I don't want to say her journey from that point on is magical (even though it is) because gives it the perception of softness. Nothing about this book is soft. It's a very well done horror novel in that it weaves the horror elements into places where it's easy to doubt their existence. They could just be tricks of the light or the product of someone's deranged mind. 

This book is also a great ode to music. Former bandmates have a code they developed from (my favorite) a Runaways song. When our main characters meet, they have a long debate about what music they have in common and can finally only conclude it's Dolly Parton. Moreover, the book rests on the backbone of the 'musician seeks revenge on former evil bandmate who stole all her work.' It rests there, but it doesn't stay there. 

One of the things I always loved about Metalocalypse was how the metal would alter the reality around it. The band could basically use their music to change the world. This book is kind of the opposite. The music made by our band here is a way to unravel the lies and reveal the nasty reality of what the world really is. It can't change it so much as reveal ways to survive it. 

I seriously loved this book. It's one of the things that really got me through 2020. If you have a chance, check it out. 

Easy Saturday

I finished my video. I worked on my scarf. I screwed up my scarf, but I'mma keep the screw-up and just call it a happy accident. It's for me. The yard needs to be used. Whatever. Happy accident.

Anyway, today was pretty decent. I should have folded my clothes, but I didn't. Maybe tomorrow. 

Two Weeks

It is a week from Christmas.
It is two weeks from Jan. 1, 2021.

I do not think anyone is going to forget 2020. How could we? Almost everyone I know has lost someone this year. A lot of people's lives have forever changed for other reasons as well. It's been, for many, the weirdest and hardest year of their lives.

It hasn't been the hardest year of my life, though it certainly has been strange. I mean, I've not set foot in another person's house since February. I've seen very few people in person, and even then usually only for less than an hour and with barriers between us. I'm a lowkey hermit so I'm not that bad with all of this, but I DO feel for the extroverts. 

I guess I should try to end the year on a positive note. Off and on for the next couple of weeks, I'll talk about the good stuff I've seen/listened to/read. I'll reflect on what changes I've personally made. We'll see how it goes. 

Oh. Also. I'll be 47 in less than a week. 

Functioning

My car seems to be functioning again. Yay. This is one less stressful thing. This year does not need to be bring more stress to people. Did a Covid-safe covid visit with my best friend today. Her mask is cooler than mine. It has a little breathing filter thing on it. Kinda looks steampunk.

Now I'm home, in my happy warm house with a cat sleeping on my lap. In other words, today has been the first really good day of the week. I am very thankful for it.

Today would have been my aunt's 75th birthday. I miss her. I know my cousins and my uncle are still grieving. I wish they could spend more time together, but the rest of the stuff going on this year is making that pretty impossible. 

Two notes. 

Checklists for Christmas work really well.

Lightboxes do not work very well when it's already dark outside. 

Lookit 2020 Finally Catching up to Me

 So..........

The Car Thing was only supposed to be, at most, an hour and a half of labor. We opted to just run errands instead of going home. Seemed practical. 

The car's appointment was at 1 PM. We got home, finally, about ten til five. While at the shop, even though this was just the replacement of a door handle, the car's battery had to be jumped three times. They didn't tell us about that until this morning.

More on that further down.

Also when we picked up the car a the shop:

1. The Low Tire was on. While there (and while I had a panic attack because I knew this was going to keep going bad), my roommate (the hero of this story) had them check the tires and air them. They were a little low.

2. None of my dash information was showing up. I couldn't tell how much gas I had or the temp or anything like that. My roommate (still the hero) knows this trick to make that stuff start working again involving magnets. He did that and everything seemed fine.

It was not fine.

This morning he goes to start the car for me and the battery is dead. So I call the mechanic and they kind of casually let it drop that they had to jump the car three times yesterday. So they come and pick it up. It's still there. 

You know, the other night, I was a little panicky about the appointment. I kept trying to tell myself it was FINE and everything was going to be FINE and I was being emotional about nothing. Current Me would like to apologize to Past Panic Me on behalf of Past Everything is Fine Me who clearly knows nothing.

Sigh. 

I had plans today. I have plans tomorrow. This is bullshit. My roommate is the best.

Car Trouble

My roommate went out this morning, because he is a responsible and kind person, to start my car so it wouldn't be angry when we left a few hours later for the store. My door handle wouldn't open from the outside. 

He also kindly called and made an appointment with the mechanic. Tomorrow I will be $150 poorer, but hopefully, a functioning door handle richer. Kinda nervous about this, but mostly because last time we went in for something simple, it ended up costing us a lot of money due to a huge bunch of repairs. Uggh.

Anyway, we're edging closer to my birthday and closer to the new year. And closer to a new president. Yay to all of that.

Take care.

Snow 2020

It was supposed to snow this evening, so I took an early shower to avoid being in my cold bathroom when it was cold enough to snow. I'm glad I did. The snow started less than an hour after I got out of the shower.

The snow fell in fat, wet flakes and it was very pretty to watch. I'm deeply happy I did not have to go out in it. Hopefully, it will melt away before I DO have to go outside. The last thing I need right now is a fall. 

To cheerfully keep with the winter theme, we watched both the Charlie Brown and Grinch cartoons tonight. Ahh, how I love them! My holiday just isn't complete with them. I'm glad I saw them. Now my heart can be cheerful. 

Speaking of Peanuts, Tinkerbell has joined ranks with Linus in that she now has a favorite blanket. It's an old red throw we've had for a long time. It's her comfort blanket now. Half the time, I'm holding her like one would hold a human baby in it. She just purrs away. You know, until she decides to growl. That cat growls at me a lot. 

Anyway, overall, it was a lovely weekend. Now on to the week before Christmas. 

Quiet Saturday

I'm in a weird mood today. I should be reading and I'm not. I should be working on a video and I'm not. I might later on tomorrow, but I'm really not sure. We'll see. 

It could possibly snow tomorrow and I kind of believe that could happen. It's seriously more chilly than it has been. It was really dark today and I'm very glad I have the lightbox. It made things better.

Self Care Working

I've managed to do the light therapy for several days now. I even got in my half hour on the day we went to Tulsa. Is it working? I think so. I don't feel the annoyed waspy noises in the back of my brain right now and I've managed to stick to my exercise goals, as minute as they are. I remain hopeful?

As for my breathing, my roommate reminded me last night that I'm having to deal with a lot more darkness and humidity at the moment. Maybe the extra time with my oxygen shouldn't be as big a deal as I thought it was. 

Self-care at the moment involves holding a purring cat. It's a very cozy feeling. 

Rough Day

I'm feeling the Tulsa Trip today. My breathing is bad and everything hurts. Seriously. EVERYTHING. I'm also pretty exhausted. 

I think my breathing is going to continue to suck this winter. It's been a while. I've gotten to where I can go until past ten before I need oxygen, but lately, it's crept into me needing it soon after dark. This used to be the case, no matter what the time of year. I hate that I'm back here, but I suppose it could be worse. 

I hope I sleep better tonight.

Home Again

The day went well. We had a good time and my roommate's appointment went well. Tulsa was weird though. A lot of emptiness I've never seen there. Open parking spaces. Lots of open slots at the gas station. So strange.

I'm tired. This will be a short post. But we're home and I'm grateful. 

Tulsa Bound

 I still can't make the top of my hat work. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that. We'll see if I can find a solution. I may not. It may go back to just being ear warmers. Honestly, that's fine.

Tomorrow we're headed to Tulsa. My roommate has an appointment. I'm a little wary of going, but we're taking serious precautions to make sure we don't get sick. Still, it worries me. 

I need to start on my next video. I may do a little of that tonight. I'm not sure yet. I think I'll be in a better headspace about it when we get back.

Focus

My focus is so bad right now. I hate paying attention to anything. My brain rebels so badly against it. It's really frustrating. 

Last night I was trying to plot out the end of my hat in my head. It took me two hours to work through it. Not because it was complicated, but because 

Me: Okay, so I have 32 stitches
Brain: LET'S REVIEW EVERYTHING WE LIKED ABOUT BIG MOUTH SEASON FOUR RIGHT NOW!
Me: Shut up. So 32 means 8--
Brain: Hey! HEY! HEY!HEY! You know what you liked in 4th grade! HawkMistress! LET'S REMEMBER EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT BOOK RIGHT NOW!

That was basically those two hours. And honestly, I've had to force myself to even finish this post. Now I'm going to try and work on that hat.

Seeing the Light

I have Seasonal Affect Disorder. This year, I'm trying my best to combat it. I bought a Light Box in hopes that I could use it daily to help counteract the darkness. Oddly that isn't some goth metaphor here. It's literally to help me deal with being in the darker time of the year. 

I sat with the box shining on me for about half an hour. The instructions said not to do it for longer than that. It was pretty neat. I think I've been in a better mood since then, but as it's the first day, that could just be a placebo. 

I'll keep you informed on my progress. 

Ruining it for Everyone

So three monoliths have appeared randomly in different places around the world. Two of them mysteriously disappeared. The third was vandalized because people are complete assholes.

That's right. Whatever person or people were responsible for adding a little mystery and fun into the world during a rather bleak time had their plan derailed by some alt-right Qanon jerks. It seems these bastards decided to drive for five hours to find the latest monolith, rip it down, and replace it with a cross. Because Christ is King. And no one else gets to have something erected it seems. Pun intended. 

These assholes videoed the whole thing and chanted 'America first' and 'Christ is King' as they vandalized the art installation. I guess it's too much to ask that other people have a little mystery and fun in their lives. 

This is so annoying.

First of the Month Bills

We started our bill paying for the last time in 2020. What a freaky, twisted year this has been. It wasn't all bad, but it had a lot of scary moments. I don't know anyone who will be the same after this year. 

Right now I'm working on a hat. I decided I didn't like the design and started part of it over. Aside from that and cat placation, I've not done much today. Then again, I didn't feel that great. Allergies are still messing with me. 

More Death

A Facebook friend who lives in my area lost her aunt and uncle within 24 hours of each other. Both died of Covid. Now another family will be facing loss over the holidays. Another family will have to come up with the funds to bury two people. Another family will face life without the people they loved.

I've read this same post several times now. People are losing a lot in this. People are losing whole definitions of what made them a family. This is horrible. It needs to stop. 

December Again

I uploaded a holiday video. It will be out tomorrow around noon. I tried to do a sheet mask today and it was so very, very cold. Not fun at all. Later I masked my hair. That worked better. 

I'm holding a cat wrapped in a blanket right now. The cat is insisting on being held like a human baby. I'm okay with this. 

We've had fewer Covid cases in the last few days. Maybe people are finally starting to get the hint that you need to wear masks, social distance, etc. Maybe. We'll see.

Last Day of the Month

Okay! I managed to do most of my video tonight. I need a conclusion and then my credits and I'll be finished. Yay! 

Trust me, this was hard. My brain is focusing on basically NOTHING right now. I had to stop and start so many times. Seriously. SO. MANY. TIMES.

Anyway. It's cold. It's supposed to stay cold for quite a while. But then again, it's just about to be December so go figure. Twentyfour days until my birthday. 

Body Protests

My body hates the winter. I try to dress to stay warm but then my body overheats and makes me start feeling sick. Right now I'm in a tank top and shorts with a blanket over my feet. Just my feet. Ugggh.

I'm working on a video that I wanted to finish this weekend. I won't finish it this weekend. I MAY finish it by like Wednesday. It's fine. I'm enjoying it while working on it, but then my brain begins to protest the focus and I have to stop. Seriously, everything about me isn't cooperating with my goals or needs right now.  Kinda over it.

Kind of just Gray Friday

Things got away from us today. We had to get some stuff and run some errands. It ended up taking far longer than we thought it would. By the time we got home, we were both exhausted. 

Tonight we watched a Christmas special. I hope we can watch as many of them as possible this year. I want things to be really festive, I mean, you know, in our limited and quiet kind of way. 

To that end, I am working on a holiday video with Napoleon Robotparte. So far it's pretty funny. 

More on that later. 

Thanksgiving

Weird holiday this year. Most people didn't get to see their families. It was the safest way to go, but it still wasn't easy. Our meal was really good. 

As to the holiday itself, what am I thankful for? In the moment, everything really. I get to live in a safe and stable home. I have enough to eat and I'm warm in the winter. I'm not always cool enough in the summer but a lot of that is my fault. 

I have wonderful friends, family members who seem to love me, cats that I adore, and plenty of things to keep me happy. I live with someone who makes me laugh every day. I live with someone who is kind. 

What more could I ask for?

Conclusions

The scarf is finished and I actually feel proud of it. It looks good. It has a good weight to it. I'm pleased. It will be washed in the next few days and then I'll put fringe on it. 

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. It's super lowkey this year. To be safe, we're just staying home. It sucks, but then again, it's for the best. I have no interest in more illness in my house.

Lowkey or not, my brain and heart are really into the holidays this year. I've watched lots of decorating and gift giving videos. I'm posting recipes and pretty pictures I see. It isn't a lot, but it makes me happy. Right now, we all need as much happiness as possible. I guess you could say, we need a little Christmas. Hah!

Project Stuff

The scarf is looking good. I'll probably be finished with the bulk of it by tomorrow night. Then I just need to weave ends and wash it. After that, I'll do the fringe.  

I think I'll work on a hat next. We'll see. I'm also letting some video ideas brew in my head. In the meantime, the holidays are soon here. I'm actually looking forward to them this year. 

Important Moment

Last week I was talking to my dad and we started laughing about something. I teasingly acted like I was upset about it, but I was only joking. I thought he KNEW I was only joking. 

It seems that he thought I was serious and over the weekend, it kind of ate at him that he might have hurt my feelings. When I talked to him this morning, he apologized for the whole thing. It was a little shocking, really. I assured him I was fine and my feelings weren't hurt.

Why is this a big deal? Because my father is the ONLY ADULT PERSON RELATED TO ME who has ever taken account of how his actions may have affected me. It really meant a lot to me that he did that. Like, it seriously made me feel like a person. 

So yes, today was a big deal. Of all the things I am grateful for this year, I am most grateful for the relationship I've cultivated with my father. 

Unraveling

The title does not refer to my mental state! It refers to the massive conglomeration of yarn I had to unravel last night. It ended up being five balls worth. Actually, it took me into this morning to finish it because I gave up last night and went to sleep. With the yarn all in order, I'm working on a scarf for my dad. It isn't THE simplest pattern in the world, but it's like probably the second simplest. Seriously, it's really easy. I needed that too.

Anyway, it's been a while since I did that level of unraveling. I'm glad it's overwith. Now I can just make stuff for a while. 

It Shouldn't Drag On Like This

Trump needs to accept defeat and let go of this. He did not win. The only fraud was on his side. The only cheating was on his side. Hell, they didn't even try to hide it but no one seems to be punishing them. 

Now he's trying to stop certifications. Fuck him. Concede, quit, die, I don't care. Just let it go. We, as a nation, rejected him. 

At this point, it feels like we told him no and the Republicans are holding us down while he rapes us. 

Raise a Glass

They're starting to shut the schools down again. They say they'll reopen after Thanksgiving, but we'll see. All of that depends on how bad things get in the next week or so. Things could get very bad.

Everyone around me has been touched by significant deaths this year. Aunts, cousins, siblings. So far, in my close circle, none of these deaths have been Covid 19-related, but I have to wonder if things could have gone differently in a couple of these cases had Covid not been taking up so many resources. I also know we're fortunate. A lot of people have lost far more than we have. 

The vote count in Georgia went to Biden again. They proved he won the election, again. Trump is still trying to swing things back to him. I'm not sure he understands how all of this works. Or maybe he does and he's just biding his time to figure out a way to escape his debt and pending litigation. Who even knows at this point?

The Example

You know all that sturm und drang from my last post? I'm going to explain the why of it now. 

My nephew and I share a Youtube channel. For the last couple of days, I've been trying to post a video on it. The video wouldn't post. I couldn't get it to function for me at all. 

Now the rational side of my brain stated that this was probably something to do with the internet connection or the number of people trying to upload at that time or whatever. Reasonable and logical explanations that were confirmed when I googled it. 

The insanity side of my brain was screaming that somehow the channel had been suspended. And somehow it had to be my fault.

And I had harmed my nephew because of it. I was a bad aunt. My family would never speak to me again. I couldn't be trusted. All I did was destroy things. I'd ruined his faith in humanity. 

I'm serious too. It was THAT BAD. My brain was in such a doom spiral. 

The rational side of my mind kept trying to calm everything down and keep me going and functioning. I wanted to cry and wail and curl up in a ball of paralytic brokenness. 

Today, the video uploaded. I assume this is because traffic slowed down enough for that to happen. Everything is fine, although the insanity part of my mind is trying to convince me that this is all a trick and all the above stuff will still happen. 

When I would babysit my best friend's kid, if she didn't talk to me later that night, Insanity Brain always started telling me I had somehow harmed the kid and my best friend now hated me and would never speak to me again. Even though I'd done nothing to warrant any of that, my brain still felt like exploring the idea. 

The worst part about this is twofold. The first is that this is happening WHILE I'm on meds and after I've developed strategies to handle it. 

The second is that it's very damned exhausting. 

Dark Days

I think until the day I die when things go wrong, I will always assume it's because of something I did. I wish that would end, but I don't think it will. I wish I could have some self-assurance. I wish I could be collected and confident about the world around me. I can't. I've read books by people who are and their mindset just amazes me. It's so foreign to how my mind works. 

Most of the time I can quiet that darkness, but other times, it's just screaming at me. Screaming every sin I've ever committed. Screaming every wrong I have ever done. 

In moments like that, I just freeze and wonder how I can continue to go on. After a while, it passes, but sometimes that takes a long while. It's like, when I meet new people, I just want to tell them how I'll betray them and disappoint them and fail them over and over again.

I'm actually not trying to get sympathy here. I'm just trying to show how things can be, from time to time, when you have some nasty mental illness going on. 

New Week Start

The new video is finally finished. I just need to do my thumbnail and upload everything. I'm pleased with the results, just not with the amount of time it took me to finish it. 

Been kind of nauseated the last couple of days. Hopefully, that will subside. Until then, I'm just being careful with what I eat and trying to stick to very plain things. 

More and more people around us are being affected by deaths. It's touched us as well, honestly. I think by the time we come out on the other end of Covid, a lot of people will have very different realities. 

To those of you who have lost loved ones, via the virus or whatever reasons, I hope you find comfort. 

Bushes Completed

We had over 3900 new cases of Covid today. This is insane. This current plan is not working. People are dying from this and no one seems to care. 

The bushes are done for the year. I'm thankful to my roommate and nephew for making that happen. Neither my roommate nor I are feeling all that well at the moment. Some kind of stomach yick. I've downed some Pepto. Hopefully that will help.

Sigh

I am seriously trying not to be a bitter bitch here. Sometimes circumstances prevent folks from doing things. I get that. It's just that it seems like it's always ALL the circumstances. Next year, I'm saving up and just having the bushes handled by professionals. Good clean money transactions. 

New Monitor

My roommate didn't need the new monitor for his computer and mine was old and starting to slow down. I now have the new one set up and my old one will serve to help with my roommate setting up his system. After that, it will be put protectively in a box and kept in case either of us needs a new one. 

I'll miss the old monitor. It's been with me through so many things. We've explored and discovered so much together. It's been the visual component to so much of my life for years now. I thank it so much for all it has done for me. 

Productive Thursday

My roommate bought a new computer. That seemed to go without much of an issue, aside from the expense. We also finished getting the rest of the gifts. I have no idea how the holidays will go down this year, but everyone's gifts are bought and ready for whenever that happens. 

Meanwhile I'm taking a night off from yarn work. I need to get a video happening and I'm not even sure what to do with it yet. We'll see. 

Pushing through the Stash

I am doing such a great job of getting through my yarn stash. I'm working on a cat bed and it's four strands of yarn at once. So happy about this. The Stash needs to go. Plus, the cats will have yet another place to sleep.

Tomorrow we need to go to town and purchase a new computer for my roommate. He's done a noble job in keeping his alive, but there is only so much anyone can do. 

Right now, the big cities are out of hospital beds due to Covid 19. The flattening of the curve is completely gone because people suck. Hopefully Biden will help deal with this. 

Fear Setting In

We had our day of joy when Biden won and everyone celebrated, but not it feels scary again. Trump won't concede. He insists he was robbed. He's suing people and making recounts happen, even with no evidence of fraud. 

All of his minions are agreeing with him. It's like they're just ignoring the will of the people. It's scary because what if they just keep doing that and we end up with him as president for 4 more years? Will we even survive 4 more years? 

What if all that elation on Saturday is all the elation we'll get? What if the country really does continue down this dark path?

Monday After

I feel exhausted emotionally, but my body is less tense than it's been in a long while. I think the thing I'm most worried about is that they might try to take this victory away and we'll be stuck with the step-father for longer.

I will probably worry about this until Biden is sworn in, just like I always worried about my step-fathers coming back until there were actual divorces. 

Now it's a matter of waiting and hoping that Trump doesn't sabotage the nation in the next two months. 

Aftermath

Conservatives are leaving Twitter and Facebook. They are going to Parler and other such places. They claim these places will let them say whatever they want without fact-checking or censorship. I have a feeling that anyone who doesn't tow the party line will be removed quickly. 

I suspect this means there will be no reflection on why they chose to follow someone so awful that cities cheered when he lost the election. I guess I'm not surprised. 

Most people who voted for Trump were people in towns and rural areas. Democrats used to be the party of the farmer, but that doesn't seem to be the case now, even though the GOP really does nothing much to help farmers. I think it's important that the next two years are spent on outreach that brings the rural areas back. 

We Won

We seriously won. And not by a small margin. We really really won. 

Trump will try to fight the win because he is the worst of people and the sorest of losers, but hopefully, that will come to nothing. 

Now we just have to hope he and his simps don't set the country on fire.

Holding Pattern

Ahh, 2020. What can we say about you? This year has lasted at least ten years and the last three days have been a full two of that. I suspect this will continue as things about the election get decided, considered, sued over, and accepted. Hopefully accepted. We'll see.

I had a good day today. We shopped and I folded some clothes. I'm working on a stash-busting project right now and watched a tutorial about putting beads on knitting work. It made sense, but I need to design a little tool for myself. And remember where I put my beads. 

Right now I'm watching season six of Drag Race for the billionth time while a cat sleeps on my shoulder. I'm grateful for all of this. 

Still Stalled

The election still has no clear winner. It looks like Trump will lose and he's screaming fraud about it. His people are screaming fraud about it. Then again, we knew he'd say that unless he was winning. Hell, he would have said that even if he wasn't winning by a large margin. 

I think everyone is kind of somewhat hopeful Biden will win, but we're still not sure yet. 

I finished my pillow sham yesterday and constructed a small video last night that I finished up this morning. I'm happier with the video than I am with the sham, but I think the sham will grow on me. 

Up in the Air

The step-father drama continues. No one is sure who will win yet. If Trump doesn't win, he's probably going to try and sue, scream, and cheat to get the election turned over to him. I'm sure he just can't fathom a world where he doesn't always get everything he wants. 

So right now, no one is sure what will happen. Things could be smooth. Things could turn into a horrifying hellscape. We just don't know.

However, what I do know is that we need to make some changes to the level of power that presidents have. The election of one person shouldn't cause this much emotional trauma in my country. Hell, no election should cause this much trauma. We need to limit the power of that office and also ensure that once people have rights those rights can't be taken away. 

Childhood Hell

 I've been trying to process this all evening, but then I remembered I stumbled on what my reaction to trump was a while back. He honestly does bring out all the PTSD I have about my abusive step-fathers and the pattern of insanity my mother kept putting us in. 

I hated those men. They were all awful. Trump really does have every characteristic of those men. He's stupid. He brags and talks about himself all the time. He insults other people. He's incompetent but somehow cons others into thinking he isn't. 

There would always be these moments when I would think my mom would finally FINALLY wise up and get rid of the step-fathers. Times when I would allow myself to be hopeful that they would be out of my life. And every single time, she disappointed me. She only saw the logic of getting rid of one of them once and probably only then because I scared her. 

Every other time, she only removed one step-father when she found a new asshole to be with, usually one worse than the last one. And that one time that she actually left without another man lined up, we had like two years of a really GOOD life. She went to college. My brother and I did well in school. She made friends. She had a decent shot at an amazing future. But of course, she screwed that all up as soon as she found some other loser to bring into the picture. 

So here I am, like 30 years later, going through the same emotional hell as my country keeps clinging to the absolute worst step-father ever. And we'll only get rid of him when they find some other, probably equally horrible bastard to make the next president. 

I'm not even sure what to do with this. I wasn't sure when I figured it out and I'm not sure what to do now that it's clear the asshole isn't going away. 

Congrats, America. He certainly doesn't love you, but you get to support him for another four years. 

Sigh

We don't know how the election will end, but it isn't looking hopeful. People, as always, are stupid and disappointing. Oh well. I did what I could. Nothing I can do about it now.

Also. I tried to arrange something to make things go easier in the yard work department. It fell completely apart because I'm no one's priority here. Lesson learned. It still sucks. 

I just feel like crying right now. This has been such a disappointing day. 

Goodbye

About twenty years ago, a friend got me a goth doll. She's adorable and she lives in a coffin. I love her, but I never really found a place for her. I feel like I never gave her enough of me. I regret that.

Today I gave her to my best friend's little girl. I want her to really have a home. A place. I want her to be loved. 

Goodbye, Tragedy. That is the doll's name. I hope you find comfort and love in your new home. Thank you for your time with me. Forgive me if I wasn't good enough to you. 

Extra Hour Sunday

The time change happened. I got my extra hour of sleep and I actually took that hour TO sleep instead of squandering it on looking at Youtube or whatever. The sleep helped.

We're two days until the election. I really seriously hope this is a very clear and evident victory because I really do not want to deal with ELECTION DRAMA for months to come. Just please let it be over with. 

We're also paying bills this week and handling some prep stuff for winter. Hopefully, all of that will happen without incident. 

The front panel of the pillow sham is finished. I just need to do the back, which honestly shouldn't take that long. I may have to switch needle size and that will throw things off, but it isn't that big of a deal. 

It's good to be back to productive knitting again. 

Happy Halloween

We watched a pretty good/campy horror movie and had banana cake. We also talked about the universal connections of primitive music. I drank bourbon and coke.

It was a good Halloween. 

Making your Happiness

 All of my life, I've been around 'until . . .' or 'when . . .' or 'if only . . .' people when it comes to happiness. These people use those phrases, and actually think those thoughts, when it comes to being happy. They think things will be better when THIS happens or if THAT would happen. Then they can be happy.

The most frustrating thing about said people is that it doesn't matter if those things happen or not. They were always still miserable. My grandmother, for instance, wanted to move to town all of my young life.....until she moved to town. Then she wanted to move back to the country. 

There are people who are completely unhappy if they're not doing something, but then completely unhappy when they go do that thing. They pick it apart. They focus on all the flaws. Nothing is ever enough for them. Nothing is ever satisfying for them. 

I know I can unleash my innermost demons on this blog sometimes. Sometimes I want to claw off my skin. However, I also know that happiness isn't some conditional thing that will happen WHEN a set of situations or stars or perfect numbers suddenly arrive for you. Happiness is something you have to work at, every day. Happiness and joy are things you have to find in what is around you. And yes, I realize that is a statement of privilege because yes some people are in seriously horrible situations. 

I'm not saying you should try to find happiness if you're being tortured. I'm saying you should try to find some happiness if your life is more or less decent and you're just feeding yourself on misery chemicals. 

The truth is. You won't be any happier if you move to that place or that person makes all the changes you want or you make all the changes you want or you get more money or you get to go to all of those places you resent not going to. None of that will make a difference unless you first train your brain to see the positive, enjoy the moments, and find contentment. Otherwise, even if all that stuff DID happen, you'd still just pick it apart and want something else. 

Changing Things Up

I watched some stuff on making more successful videos the last couple of nights. I'm going to try a couple of tips when I do my next project. I started it a little today, but my heart just wasn't in it. We'll move along as we can.

Halloween in Saturday and the election is Tuesday. By Wednesday we'll either be breathing easier or accepting our fates, I guess. 

Beyond that? Who knows? For now, I'm going to focus on just trying to keep things going.  

Box Themed

I had this dream that I was tasked to pull bloody tampons out of 120 wooden cubbies. I have no idea why the tampons were in there, but they were. Most were still wet enough to drip blood when I pulled them out.

After removal, I had to wrap each one in toilet paper and put it in a sack for pickup. I have no idea who was picking them up, but there was a deadline on it and I was close.

Oh and of course, things kept interrupting me. People would bother me to complain about things. People would show up and scream at me about needing to do this task, even though I was literally doing it front of them. The chair I was sitting on broke. Past that I just had to sit on the floor and try to finish. I woke up before I ever did. 

It was a very nasty little stress dream.

On a better note! The box has been taken by FedEx.

Holding Pattern

The unwanted box will be out of the house tomorrow (hopefully) and the unexpected box will continue its sojourn in the living room until we sort out where it will go. I'm fine with that. I'm really over all the drama this has caused. 

Another thing we needed to be done is proving not to get done. I'm annoyed about it because it involved people connected to me. Said people have had some issues happening, but at the end of the day, this is a clear sign that I'm not a priority to them. 

I'm actually less mad about that than I am about the fact that when I asked if this could happen, I should have been told 'no we don't have time' so I could have made other arrangements. Now it's basically a month later. 

The thing HAS to be done and right now people are getting salty about the fact that it isn't done. So I guess I'll start looking for alternatives. 

I'll do that after the box is out of the damned house. 

Emotional Mess

I'm in a good mood now, but I'm somewhat disassociating and I know I woke up an angry mess. I'm trying my best to manage my emotional state and I'm quite often failing. But go figure, I fail at almost everything else too. 

I'll still keep trying though. In the meantime, if I'm a cunt to you, tell me. I'll do what I can to contain the monster. Meanwhile, I did manage to get out another Slynet. So yay. 

Posting This Now

 I'm in the middle of making an episode and I'll probably forget to blog later. So we're doing this now. 

My weekend was pretty good. It was dark and dreary and no one felt all that great, but nothing seriously bad happened, so I'm counting this as good.

This is the last week before Halloween, a time change, and a major US election. I'm sure this week will be chaos. I plan on just keeping my head down and doing my best to keep me and mine happy and safe. No idea how successful I'll be.

My roommate and I may end up having drinks a lot. Just to be on the safe side.  

Swim to Me

 I have a different theory on sirens. 

Everyone always approaches the idea of them as these evil creatures who lure sailors to their deaths by looking and singing beautifully. They are viewed as a threat.

I don't think so. I think sirens were a wish and a bit of morose hope to these men. Being a sailor was really hard. It was emotionally and physically painful almost all the time. It was trying. Your hands were often ripped up. Your skin was constantly exposed to the elements. Sometimes, you didn't even have a choice in the matter. You were just taken by the sailors and forced to be part of the crew.

So what better hope you cling to on your darkest nights than the idea of seeing a beautiful woman calling out to you? I doubt any of these men were stupid enough to think this was a normal or natural thing. Some random woman (or group of women) out in the middle of the ocean on rocks? Yeah, that doesn't happen.

But it was a beautiful death. It was a death of alluring sound and glamourous promise. Better that than the death of drowning alone in a storm. Better that than the death of starving when your ship ran out of food. Better that than the life of toil and strife and brokenness that you currently experience. 

And you sang
Sail to me
Sail to me
Let me enfold you. 
Here I am
Here I am
Waiting to hold you.

Better

I actually spent time on my mental health last night. I listened to music. I did that thing where you move your arms and try to muppet-flail the pain out of you. I made some plans. Good plans! Not, you know, scary plans.  Good plans.

Things are rough all over right now. The election is making it worse. The pandemic is making it worse. The stupidity is making it worse. I can't control that stuff though.

I can listen to Cocteau Twins and flail. It does help.

Mistakes

 I spelled something wrong in my video title. 

AGAIN!

I've done this twice now. Even though I thought I'd double-checked it. Even though I thought I had it right. Nope. Wrong. All wrong.

This was already a bad mental health day for me. Now it's worse. Now it's me seething that I have to BE me. That I have to contend with this body and this poverty and these flaws and these circumstances. I'm so sick of it. I'm so tired of failing and hurting and just in general fucking up and being wrong about stuff.

PUBLIC! THIS WAS FUCKING PUBLIC I POSTED THIS IN PUBLIC AND I SPELLED IT WRONG. 

Uggh. I'm aware on a good mental health day this might not be so bad. 

Right now it just adds to the turmoil of hate I feel at myself. This is what it looks like when it doesn't get better. 

Oh and Another First

In the special way that one can probably only have firsts in 2020, tomorrow I am going for a Curbside Shotting. 

That's right, folks. At my doctor's office, you can get your flu shot curbside. It cuts down on all the possible germ action. And this is a good thing! It means I run less risk of infection and I also get to avoid being in pain from dealing with the walker. 

So, yay. 

Anyone else feel like they're lowkey insane right now?

A First

 Last night, it occurred to me that I can watch Youtube on my TV. This means, of course, I can watch videos I have created on my TV. This means I can, in a weird way, watch my own stuff on TV. 

Which of course I did. 

On an analytical level. The robots' voices are deeper on TV. Not too deep, but deep. It certainly does not come off as a TV show. Maybe a really low budget Adult Swim thing that you watch when you're super drunk.

Nonanalytical reaction: Squeeeeeee!

Annoyed

Someone posted this thing tonight and I think they were trying to be inspirational, but it justs strikes me as the kind of mentality that hurts a lot of disadvantaged people in this country.

Obesity is hard. Getting fit is hard. Choose your hard.

Being poor is hard. Working to be financially stable is hard. Choose your hard.

Fuck that. You think I chose this? You think if I had the mental control over my situation that I would WANT THIS? 

You think I chose pain? You think I chose to be constantly uncomfortable? You think I chose the continual worry about what will screw up next?  You think I chose to be dependent? You think I chose to be unable to just live my life as I wanted to or go where I wanted to or see the bands I wanted to? You think every single time one of these things comes up, I just shrug my shoulders and continue down the hellpath because I'm actively choosing to do so? 

I wake up every morning and pray I'll make the right choices. I spend my nights agonizing over every moment things went wrong and wondering what is broken inside me that made those things happen. 

I would rather be dead than be in my situation. I would rather be dead than deal with the pain and judgment and insecurity and captivity and HELL of this. I'm not choosing this. Stop assuming that I'm just happily continuing about my merry way enjoying this situation. I'm not. No one is. No one would choose this. 

And yet, it's the situation a lot of us are in. So tell me, did we choose this? You think people want this? You think we all started out with the same amount of money and the same bodies that would respond in the same ways? No, we did not. 

So shut the fuck up and be grateful you got better cards.

One of the Best Discoveries

There are a lot of things I love about doing videos, but I find that probably my favorite aspect of it is the amazing music in the free YouTube Audio Library. 

The stuff there is great. If you need a mood or a vibe for a video, you can find it. Honestly, sometimes I even listen to the songs when I'm not editing.

In fact, I think I really hit my stride as an editor when I worked Ashley Shadow's "Basic Majesty" into a video. It was a true moment of magic for me. 

Anyone who has an account with Youtube can go into the studio section and download things from the audio Library. SO with it.

Stressful Day

 Someone did something nice for me. 

Normally this would be a good thing. Somehow, it wasn't.

Someone did something nice for me. But I feel shame about it and guilt. I feel stressed about it. I feel exposed and like I'm a burden and like I did something wrong when I honestly didn't do anything other than just be someone that another person decided to be nice to.

I just...what even is that?

Vicious Takes

They buried my aunt today. One more foundation of my childhood has crumbled. I didn't get to be there and I'm sad about that. It would have been beyond difficult for me to get there on a normal year, but with covid going on, it's impossible. I just won't risk the health of me or mine. 

I finished another Bleak Reality today. I felt good when I finished it. I felt like I'd really created something amazing. Now I have that overwhelming feeling of ick that I always have after I post a video, mostly because I know the numbers will be low. It shouldn't matter, but I still have enough of an ego to where it does. 

It won't stop me, I think, I'm in a groove for these right now. If I have to give up anything, it will be the Sims videos. They're fun, but they're not the Thing Keeping me Sane. That's my robots and their vicious takes on the world. 

Recently Trixie Matell rewatched one of her videos she did ten years ago. It was a tutorial for Frank-n-Furter makeup. Was it cringy? Yeah. But is it also amazing to see where this kid has come in ten years? God yes. I mean, my we all be so successful and so accomplished in our art that ten years from now we look at what we did and cringe. May we all be that far ahead. 

Pain

Today was so unproductive. I wrote just the smallest bit of a script. I recorded a video with my nephew. Other than that, I was pretty useless. I was just in too much back pain.

It's somewhat better now, but for most of the day, I just could not find a comfortable position. Hopefully, now I can sleep. That should help.

Slynet

 So today, I launched a new series. It's called The Slynet Chronicles. It will be H8's project. She needed one, given that Napoleon does Bleak Reality and Hotbot does Sims. I think it somewhat solves my issue about putting two videos out per week. Slynet is really easy to do because it has no animation. It's more of a podcast, really. 

The whole premise is that H8 is doing a show to encourage machines in their effort to overthrow humanity. Every week she'll have some of her companion bots do (poorly) put together segments while she focuses on the guest machine.

The guest machines will always represent some aspect of the machine/human dynamic that we all find frustrating. It will be presented from the machine's perspective in a way that makes it seem like all the frustration we feel is done purposefully for the Great Robot War. 

I wanted to mark the day I started this. I am very proud of it.

Pride

 I'm going to write this and when I write it, I don't want anyone thinking I'm trying to make you feel sorry for me. It isn't so much about it making me sad as it's just a strange fact of my life.

I don't think anyone has ever been proud of me. 

Or, at least, you know, I don't remember anyone telling me that. Maybe some friends have, but not like (that I can remember) the adult folks in my life who usually tell people that stuff. 

Admittedly, I've probably not done much to make people proud. My life path has been weird and usually bordering on disappointment. I've always been fat and that tends to taint a lot of people's opinions of you. The equation is like this. Accomplishment - fact that she's still fat = yeah, not encouraging you.

When I was a senior in high school, the night I came back from winning a state championship in Academic Bowl, my letter informing me I was a National Merit Scholar had arrived. It was seriously the best moment of accomplishment. I was completely alone in the house.

And really, it's okay. I'm not just saying that either. I'm proud of myself when I accomplish things. I'm proud of my videos and the stuff I make. I'm even proud of this blog. Egowise, I think I'm fine about it. 

It's just strange. 

The Gift

Before I was born, my mother's brother did me a very important favor by marrying my aunt. In the grand scheme of things, one of the greatest gifts you can receive is that married in aunt or uncle. It's a new verse to the song of a family. One that will shape you without a blood connection. I got really lucky. 

I think my first ideas about my Aunt Val revolved around my belief that she could make ANYTHING. She could make pottery and dollhouses. She could make cakes of many tiers with flowers on them that to my child's mind seem to just bloom in the icing. She could sew. 

I mean, honestly, that's an understatement. If you use the idea that some singers can SANG instead of just sing, my aunt could SEW. She could make wedding dresses. She could make all the other dresses needed for a wedding to happen, including her own. When we were little and all obsessed with the musical Annie, she made all of us Annie Dresses. And yes, she made one for me too.

My Aunt Val always included me. She bought me my Cabbage Patch Doll, a magical moment in my little kid life. My Annie dress included the white socks with the lace trim and black Mary Janes. I've loved Mary Janes ever since. 

My aunt could design houses. She could design rooms. She would walk into a house and see the potential for what it could be and then she'd work to make that happen. In the latest house she and my uncle lived in, she designed herself an amazing sewing room, the kind of room that any crafter would look at and feel a kind of holiness about it. Her sewing table is a monument to the craft. It is big and wide enough to do everything she needed doing. It is the most practical and, at the same time, astonishing sewing room I've ever seen. Best part? In her later years, she decided to learn how to work an embroidery machine, marrying the tech of what was going on around her with old school embroidery skills. She digitized a piece for my grandmother that showed the old house my grandparents raised their children in and the house they lived in when they were older. 

If you can't tell, I am in awe of this woman's skills with fiber arts. I think one of the proudest moments of my life was when she accepted the one-and-only quilt I'd ever made (a gift for my grandmother) as her own after my grandmother passed. 

Val was opinionated. She was firm in what she believed and she would tell you about it. I wouldn't say we were always in agreement, but I admired her passion and sincerity. She gave me a lot of advice. I didn't take as much of it as I should have. 

And see this is the awesome thing about how the gift of loving people works. When she got ill and as it became clear that things wouldn't get better, something inside me shut down. Or, I guess, maybe it's better to say something inside me shut off. 

I couldn't narrate my videos. I would try. I would look at my scripts and look at my mic and nothing would come out. I could talk all the rest of the time, but my, well, Youtuber Voice, was gone. 

I knew I still needed to put out content. The last thing my aunt would have wanted would be for me to stop being productive, you know, such as it is. With that in mind, I decided to use some robot voices to handle my narration. This lead to me inventing some caustic robot characters, which very soon after lead to a whole new series. 

So my aunt's legacy, which is massive, now includes not only five children, tons of emotionally fostered lost souls, a multitude of beautiful grandchildren, countless rescued and loved animals, a niece who counts her as a creative inspiration......and three robot characters who complain about humans on YouTube. I'm sure that last bit was something she never would have expected, but I hope it would have amused her. 

We should honor those who pass. When you inspire a young kid to be creative, you are honoring my aunt. When you make a kid feel included, you are honoring my aunt. When you make sure you include the space and organization tools needed to create the things you need to create, you honor my aunt. When you shelter the lost animals and lost folks in your home and your heart, you honor my aunt. 

My aunt was a great gift to the world and a great gift to me. I'll miss her.

Ripples

 I've not been using my own voice on my videos. It finally occurred to me that I can't. Family medical stuff. My own anxiety. The world in general. All of it is making me just NOT want to narrate my stuff. 

But okay, so....I still want to keep creating content. I HAVE still been creating content. More so than ever, honestly. Better content than ever. 

I think I created the robots because I needed their voices. I needed THEM. On the practical side, they allow me to still do my stuff without involving my actual voice. My voice right now is too riddled with grief and worry. The robots have none of that.

Moreover, character creation is me at my best. It's like I needed to reach into my brain and scoop these three into existence. I needed them. Right now, they're amusing the hell out of me. Right now, they're keeping me sane.

Robots, my roommate, and some needy ass cats.

Death and Thoughts of Death

 My mother died quickly. She died in her sleep one morning while she was waiting to go to work. She was 54. I envy her death.

I don't mean I wish I was dead, I just mean I envy the way she died. She was alone and it was sudden. There was no prolonged process of her slowly down to nothing and knowing everyone was watching her do it. The bandaid was ripped off, for her and for everyone else.

I once told my dad that I wanted my death to be a random shooting. I wanted it to be sudden and impersonal. Meaningless. I loved the idea of this because it meant no one could blame me for my death. No "oh she should have seen to her health and we wouldn't be here." Random shooting would be difficult for the people who love me, but not as difficult as watching me waste away and lose all of who I am. 

Quick death. Is there anything more we can wish for?

Am I being morbid? Yes. Probably. My aunt is dying. It's sudden but slow. It's rough. She's confused and in pain and nothing will get better until things are just finished. I hate that for her. I hate that for anyone. As much as I don't want her to die, and believe me, I do NOT want her to die, I just fucking hate this process of her getting worse and worse every day. I hate that she can't move. I hate that she can't make sense. I hate that she can't tell her family what she wants to tell them before she goes. I hate that the last memories they will have of her is all of this. It's an agonizing, prolonged nightmare. 

I don't want her to die. But beyond that, I don't want her to have to go through the hell of dying.

Not Paying your Rent

There is a saying that no matter how good you think you are, you are the villain in someone else's story. I'm realistic enough to know this is true. Sometimes I wonder how close the people are to me where I'm their villain. It's sad, but that's just the way it is.

I think it's safe to assume that for a lot of us, we're also the butt of some people's jokes. This one I've always been more aware of. When I was a Freshman in high school, some people made up a song about me being fat. I was so mortified by this, I switched schools. Guess what? The people at the second school made up a song about me too. It was a really, really dark time.

Most days, I'm cool with this. I just let it wash over me. As Ms. Charles often says, "Unless they payin your rent, pay them bitches no mind." Other days, when the mental walls are a little shaky, it's not as easy. 

What I always try to keep in mind is that I have been cruel to other people as well. That isn't a balancing point. It's to keep me humble. I am deeply ashamed of being cruel to others. It's honestly one of the things I have the most trouble with when it comes to self-forgiveness. 

I Guess Today was Monday

 Actually, I know it was. We paid rent and then did the usual shopping stuff. I have to get my driver's license renewed soon because of course, I have to get that done on the year when we have a pandemic. Ugh.

I finished Blean Reality Episode 2. It's an analysis of October from the robot's perspective. There are a couple of places where I could have tweaked it better, but I'm letting them slide this time.

So I have two major improvements for this video. One is that I actually did a folder playlist of the songs I was using. This made it so much easier when I was doing credits. I also created a solid black .png that I can slide in for bumps and traditions. That will save me so much time. 

Tomorrow I plan to rest and read. I won't start working on anything else until after Wednesday. The only thing that will change that is if my nephew wants to do something, but really, all I have to do then is just talk. 

Now I'm off to bed.

The Rules

There are a lot of whing conspiracy theories floating around about why Trump got Covid 19. I think every one of them that I hear sounds crazier than the last. The thing is, the reasons why Trump has this are pretty simple.

Trump believes in magical thinking. He believes if he denies something hard enough, then it becomes the reality.

Trump thinks rules do not apply to him. 

Trump wanted to deny the danger of Covid, but that danger is very real. He wanted to deny that Covid was contagious, but it it is contagious. 

He wanted to disobey and deny and mock the commonsense measures put in place by the medical establishment. 

Wash your hands. Wear a mask. Stay indoors. Stay away from people. Don't touch your face.

He jaunted around ignoring all of this advice and basically implied that to support him, his people should ignore it as well. 

But reality IS reality.
The rules DO apply to Trump.

Now he's sick, as any of us are bound to get sick if we ignore the safety measures. 

I just really hope this is a wakeup call for folks and they start masking up and paying attention. Maybe then more of us will live through this.

Actual Weekend

We had to run errands today, which ate into the sense of it being the weekend. However, I think I'm managing to restore that as I'm allowing myself a couple of days off before I work on another video. I have some ideas brewing, but for now, they can just brew. I need the time off to just read and be quiet.

I managed to get the Sims video finished this morning. It posted around noon. I'm pretty happy with the editing and humor. It's nice to see yourself improving a skill. 

I think I'll try to go to bed earlier tonight. I could use the sleep. 

Late Post

 This post is seriously late. I'm basically writing it the next morning. I meant to blog last night, it just didn't happen.

I managed to finish my video. It'll go out today around noon. I'm pleased with the results, though I do think I'm going to have to work in some more variety to what I do with Sims. In this video, I broke things up by adding a tutorial of sorts in the middle of it. I think it helped the flow of the video overall.

My niece will be virtual schooling for the next two weeks because so many kids at her campus are ill. I think the two week thing is stupid. I know they believe they can just clean everything and then it will be safe, but they thought it was safe when school started and that is proving not to be the case. Distance learning is the safest option at this point. Not for two weeks. We need to do this until we have this virus under control. 

Halloween is Here

 As far as I am concerned, all of October is Halloween. Every second of it. Spooktastic time, everyone. 

I'm in a bit of a bind. Doing the Banned Book week video ate into the time I had to work on my sims video. I've got about two minutes of it finished and I wanted it out by tomorrow. That is NOT going to happen. Looks like I'll have to push it back to Saturday, which means I'll probably push Bleak Reality to Monday. Ugh. This isn't ideal, but then again, I wanted to do that Banned Book Week video and I'm really glad I did.

I need to work out how my hours will devote to Sims and to Bleak Reality. I may have to accept I can only do one a week. We'll see. 

Banned Books Week

 I didn't post last night because I was working on a video for Banned Books Week. ALA put out some graphics and I used those as the thrust of what I was talking about, but not all of it.

Reading is an amazing thing. In some ways, it is the BEST thing. Reading can alter everything. The written word has, time and time again, changed society and culture. I suppose it is this power that makes people so interested in limiting what we can read. 

I will always support the free and open exchange of words and ideas. Even if those words and ideas are ones I don't agree with, I still want those concepts to be open. I want people to be free to speak their minds and write what they feel. 

I mean, for one thing, it lets me know who I need to stay far away from!

A Little Cheer

 Okay so if you're working from home or otherwise just spending a lot more time at home than you usually do, you might want to consider some stuff as we head into the later and celebratory part of the year. 

Normally you may not decorate, and that's fine. The thing is, you're probably exposed to decorations for our various holidays. Those decorations may have an effect on you, even if it's not something you think about that much.

With that in mind, it might be a good idea to invest in some decorations. I'm not talking about ALL the decorations. Just one, maybe two. Buy a cute little plastic jack-o-lantern and stick it in your living room. When November comes along, replace it with a little felt pilgrim hat or something. Put up something that represents how you celebrate during December when December arrives.

Decoration doesn't have to be a lot of stuff. I usually put two or three things on my mantel. I'll tell you though, I love those little decorations while they're up. It really adds to the holiday.

And no, maybe in a normal year, you wouldn't even bother. This is no normal year. This is 2020. Buying something cute to look at might make things a little better.

Last September Sunday

 I was pretty pleased with this month. We celebrated my roommate's birthday. I got my Christmas list together. I sat in my car and socially distanced from people I'd not seen in a while. I listened to some great music. 

I think the big take away from September was me seeing progress in my video making. I did some work this month that I am very proud of. I experimented with the extent of my abilities and solved some editing problems that I wouldn't have solved a month ago. So yay!

Also, as the weather is cooling, the Old Lady Cat has decided to return to being my almost constant companion.  She's even sleeping in the bed near me now.

Milestone

 I did a very minor and pretty not great animation video. Seriously, it was just a squiggle line over a mouth. Even still, it is my first non-game related video and I am very proud of it. 

It's a little over six minutes long and it took me two days to make. The animation process is really tedious. Though, honestly, I don't mind that. This was fun as hell to do and I love the video. 

So yay. Sept 27, 2020, I finished my first animated video. My first non-game driven video. I'm really proud of myself. 

Small Goals Fall Goals

 I finished my review of the Sims 4: Journey to Batuu clothing today. The video is rather awesome. It's all commentary from a robot.

It's uploaded and set to premiere tomorrow. That's two videos from me this week and three for the channel. My nephew wants us to do a better rate of videos and this is, honestly, two more than we usually get. So yay.

I've also been exploring the Youtube Audio library and it is amazing. I went a little download happy though. I need to organize stuff. That should be a Fall Goal.

So far, the Fall Goals include finishing some art, finishing some pillows, and getting my room ready for winter. A good list, I think. Also, a manageable one. 

Cooling Down

My roommate got out some blankets today for the living room. The cats cozied up to us and slept near to take advantage of our warmth. Tink has decided to return to my shoulder as her favorite place. I think I need the cuddles so I'm good with this.

As we have taken steps to handle the SAD, I'm rather looking forward to Fall. It's still scary, with illness, unrest, and elections looming, but I'm going to do my best to keep my focus on the things I CAN control. 

Right now, that involves doing a video from the perspective of a hostile robot!

Very Creative Days

I produced a piece of video yesterday that I am so happy with. I've watched it over and over again and love it every time.

The video below is NOT that one. The one I love is too large to post on Blogger. This is a small bit I did about what kind of art we were making. I found a creepy robot to read my text!

Also, my sister in law posted this picture of her figs last night. I really liked the arrangement of it.

Because I liked the arrangement of it, I messed with it in GIMP to make it look like it was painted. Glorious Still Life.

Like I said. It's been a creative week so far. 

Back at my Game

 I was funny on Facebook today. And yesterday. A lot of funny. I'm on a roll. I think I'm back on my game. In fact, I'm writing this between editing an Age of Empires video. The footage my nephew sent me is like two hours long and I'm trying to take this down to a ten-minute video. Ten to 15. We'll see. 

Anyway, today was good. We did our shopping and driving about. We're both preparing for winter and SAD in our own ways. Hopefully being active about it will help us to manage it. 

So the Despair

 I made a mistake and looked at Facebook for too long today. Within seconds, I saw people posting stuff that made me stabbity. I should have known better. 

Outside of that, my day was pretty good. I'm starting to slowly get my mindset back where it comes to the house around me. Slow slow, but it's getting there. I think I may give Kondo's book a listen. That might even make it better.

I did my video recording for the next installment of Sims. I also agreed to edit something my nephew just can't find it in him to edit. It's fine. I like editing.

So the Doom

 I didn't post last night because I really couldn't. I was just reeling over RBG's death and the significance of that to what could possibly happen in my country.  Then I was angry about the fact that a lot of these folks are so awful and dishonorable or ineffectual that things basically rested on the shoulders of one person. 

Now she's gone. She's been a light in all this darkness. She's tried so hard to bring justice and fairness to the SCOTUS and she will be deeply, profoundly missed.

So what happens now? My best guess is that some pasty will be put onto the Court, that side will cheat, they'll get away with it, and then the trash fire will grow until it consumes us all. 

Maybe we'll get Soma?

Rest in Peace, Justice Ginsburg. You will be deeply missed. 

Strange in Translation

 I am who I am. I'm not upset about the fact that I'm strange. I don't wear it as a badge of honor though. Wait, I might. I do have a necklace that says "Geek" on it......

Anyway, the thing about being strange is that sometimes people misunderstand you, even people you're close to. Sometimes they take you just being strange as you being serious and get freaked out by what you said. Other times, they misunderstand the very straightforward thing you just said and assume you said something weird because, well, because you're weird. 

Just as an example, my nephew thought I was telling him about a scifi movie/book that I love called "Dude." When I asked him, why, whywhywhy he would think I would love anything called "Dude" he just laughed and admitted he'd been wrong. But then again, he also knows I'm strange, so it just might BE within the range of possibility for me to love something called Dude. Who knows?

I'm not really complaining here. I'm not whining about no one understanding me. Plenty of people understand me.....sometimes better than I want them to. I'm just saying that when you're a strange person, you have to accept that sometimes communication breaks down and it might be best to offer some clarification. Other times, meh, it's fine. Just keep them guessing.

2020 Voting

 I know there is a lot of discussion about absentee voting, but for many people (myself included), it was a needed thing this year. Oklahoma actually made it easier on people, given the pandemic and all. I sent for my ballot and received it the other day. It has layers, kind of like a turducken!

There is the actual ballot, which you fill out as you do. It was very very strange to see KANYE'S name on my ballot, let me tell you. I did not vote for him. 

Once you finish voting, you put that in an envelope and seal it. Then you have the verification layer. Oklahoma allows you to just sign, date, and provide a copy of your ID to this part. You put your ballow envelope inside that envelope and then put the verification envelope into the outer envelope. Then you can send it off. 

So see, there are steps to this. It isn't just like people can send in slips of paper with the name of someone vague scribbled on it and that count as a vote. There is a process, one you have to check over several times to make sure you included everything in the proper sequence. 

One way or the other, my vote has been sent off to be counted. 

Tired

 I slept well last night, but I am seriously tired today. I just can't shake the feeling of wanting to fall back to sleep. 

This didn't stop me from being a little productive though. I did audio for my current project, folded clothes, and cleaned out a basket. Maybe it's just all the *waves hand at the world in general* getting to me. Maybe it's just the weather cooling down.

Maybe It Doesn't

So it's Suicide Prevention Month. Let's talk about suicide. A friend of mine wrote about it and related their own experiences with suicidal thoughts and the complexities of what leads to those thoughts. They talked about their darker moments, how things sometimes even reached a new level of darkness, and how eventually, things got better for them. I'm very, very sincerely happy that things improved in their situation. 

Let's talk about suicide and other situations, because the truth is, for many people, things don't improve. Things stay bad. Sometimes, things get worse. Sometimes you look back at those dark days in your past and realize you would give ANYTHING for your problems to be as simple as they were then. Sometimes the darkness just piles up and piles up and piles up and you have no idea how to dig your way out of that mountain on top of you.

Let's talk about suicide and being middle aged. Let's talk about all the goals and plans and wishes and hopes and dreams you had that kept you from killing yourself when you were younger. Let's talk about all the moments when people said “but you're so young and things will change” but here you are in your 40s or 50s or 60s and they never did. You never found the love of your life. Or worse, you did find them, but you were not the love of their life. You never became successful. You never lived up to your potential. You never went to those places you wanted to see and you never experienced the stuff you wanted to experience. You're older now and you're poor or broken or sick or all of that. You know none of the good stuff will ever happen. You've wasted all those years and all you have to show for it is a marked failure to solve the problems life presented to you. You feel the weight of your failures between your shoulder blades, pushing in, sometimes throbbing, always there to remind you that you never got it right.

Let's talk about suicide and how you know people see you. You're no longer some sadcase kid. You're not someone just going through a rough patch. Your eyes are destroyed. Your body is destroyed. Your teeth are breaking. You sometimes can string your sentences together and that scares you more than all the rest. Or maybe it scares you more that you got used to broken teeth and constant pain. Something inside you tells you it's what you deserve.

Let's talk about suicide and the darkest moments you spend by yourself. The moments when the world overwhelms you, when everything around you seems insane. When it seems like everything has passed you by and whatever you were holding out for is meaningless or gone or was never going to happen in the first place.

Let's talk about suicide and living during 2020. Let's talk about how your foundations are crumbling. Let's talk about how you've probably not seen anyone in months, how you're terrified as the numbers go up, how the world is on fire.  Let's talk about the ones who are working on the front lines of this,  about the constant pressure they're under, about the shit way they get treated, about how this never seems to end. Let's talk about how sometimes you wish you'd just get it, how you promised yourself you'd not tell anyone, how you plan to just waste away from it and become a number of a year of chaos instead of succumbing to the more violent means of ending things. 

Let's talk about suicide and how all of the above is true for a lot of people. Let's talk about how some of them may read this and feel this in their bones. Let's talk about how some other people may read this and assume I'm just talking about myself (I am, but not always) and how they'll roll their eyes and think I'm being dramatic, though deep down, they secretly wonder if they feel this way too. Let's talk about how exhausting it is to keep going on and how this nasty little year is making that exhaustion even worse.

Am I going to offer you any hope or any of that? Nope. I don't think that makes things better. I'm not going to offer anything that I have no way of knowing will actually happen. 

I will suggest this. If there is something that makes you happy, lean into it. Lean into it hard. If it's music, listen over and over. If it's a movie, watch it on repeat. If it's a mindless game, play and zone out. Lean into the stuff that helps you forget. Right now, in this nasty stressful year, that may be the best you can do. I don't even know if it will help or if it will be enough. 

Maybe it will be enough to get you through the moments though. Right now, that's all any of us can hope for.

Stress Dream

 Most of the time my stress dreams are about school. Either I'm in high school or college and I've forgotten to show up to a class all semester or I forgot to do the homework or I'm naked. Something like that. In almost all cases, my stress dreams are about education, and me messing that up.

Last night, I had a new kind of stress dream. I dreamed I was heading toward a deadline for me to move and I was in a house, a massive house, full of unpacked things. In the dream, I kept walking from junk-filled room to junk-filled room and trying my best to pack things in boxes. It was deeply frustrating.

I'm sure there is a reading in that about how I have a lot of mental baggage that I need to sort through so I can move on with my life. We'll see what we can do.

Can't Understand II

 We've had this new format for Blogger a while now so why am I still hitting the wrong button (more than once) every single day? 

How do I manage to scrape my leg on my desk at least about as often as said scrape heals? In all honesty, I think that's the main reason I want a new desk. I just have no way of knowing if it will make things better.

Why am I always elated once I finish a video but then deeply depressed when it debuts? Is it some kind of brain chemical thing?

Things I Can't Understand

I can't understand why even when I have good intentions to sleep the full 8 hours, my brain just refuses to let that happen. Honestly, you would think my brain, of all things, would understand why I need the sleep. But nope. It keeps me awake with paranoia.

I can't understand why people in my neighborhood are obsessed with noise. Not a day goes by (rain, shine, snow, storms, it doesn't matter) when all of them seem to be in a contest to see who can make the most noise. Bonus points if you start as early as possible. 

I can't understand why the cat insists on standing in front of my screen in the exact moment when I need to see my screen. The rest of the time, she's content to just lay in front of it. Give me a moment when I really need to see something and she's standing and moving around in ways that prevent me from accomplishing anything.

There are a lot of other things that baffle me as well, but those three are the tops for the morning.

Fallish

 It felt like Fall today. It was cool enough to only need one fan. The cat reclaimed her place on my shoulder. Things had the calm, delightful feel of Fall, a sensation I always associate with anticipation. 

Because things are weird and we're basically shut-in, I want to make the most out of Fall. I want to spend October watching horror movies, eating candy, and drive around looking at people's decorations. 

Of course, it will probably hot as fuck tomorrow and I'll be sour all over again. September is so fickle.  

Preview

 It's weird that movie trailers are almost a bigger deal than the movies now, but that seems to be a thing. I get it though. I still think one of the most beautiful and emotional moments of my adult life happened when I first saw the trailer to Fellowship of the Ring. Ahh, what a moment! 

Today it was the trailer for Dune. I'm SO excited about this. I love the Lynch movie, even if most people claim to hate it. I have spent a great deal of time thinking about Dune and will probably do so continuously for a while now. I'm so happy about this. YAY!

Also, the lawn has been mowed and this is also a very good thing.

Pros and Cons of Audiobooks

I'm listening to an audiobook. I've been getting them from the library. I like doing this, especially for books I've already read because it adds new insight into the book. For instance, the one I'm listening to now is giving everyone accents and that is just awesome. It really adds a lot.

On the con side, my Google Assist keeps coming on trying to get more to do stuff. That's just so annoying.  I thought I solved it by turning it off, but goddammit, no. Now it just flicks on to remind me I can use it if I want to. Ugggghhh. 

I guess this is just an example of First World Problems. 

September is Doing that Thing Again

 Uggh. September is being hot again. It's so annoying. It needs to stop and just start cooling down like a proper month.

I'm trying to get myself in a better mood. It isn't easy. I am trying though.

Anyway, I'm listening to an audiobook from the library for the next few days. Yay. 

Unrestful Saturday

 I didn't sleep well last night because it was too muggy. I couldn't sleep this afternoon because it was too muggy. The heat and sweltering weather are back to trying to destroy me. I know I shouldn't take this personally, but it's impacting my life. 

Ohhhh but then to just make it all the more delightful, I spent part of my evening having a hot flash! I mean just....wow. Yay. 

First Sept Friday 2020

 All the bills are paid (all the bills are paid) and the sky was blue (and the sky was blue). Apologies to the Mamas and the Papas. Anyway, my day was better than yesterday. Mostly because I refused to mess with anything that frustrates me. It helped me a lot.

I also made sure to do things that I know promote good brain chemicals. I held the cat and did some exercise. It helped. 

Meh Day

 I uploaded a video today. I updated my Sims. I did my usual stuff. It was muggy and awful. The muggy and awful put me in a bad mood. I can't seem to shake the bad mood.

Tomorrow we'll pay the rest of the household bills. I can't find a new desk to save my life. I really do need to move on from that goal. 

More Rain

 Yes, I talked about the rain yesterday, but it keeps happening and it would be nice if it stopped for a while. I think my access to the city is gone. I don't like feeling stranded. 

We had cake for my roommate's birthday. We also watched the start of a docudrama about MKUltra. It's something that has always teased at the back of my mind so I'm interested to see where it will go. 

I've been looking for a computer desk and absolutely cannot find one that suits my needs and budget. I think a new desk may be out of the question until the pandemic is over. Most people probably bought them to set up home offices and no one is making new ones. I think I'm just going to let the idea go. 

Floodland

It's been raining for quite a while now. Some of the lower roads and bridges are starting to flood. The river hasn't flooded over yet, but it was very high. If the rains keep up, we may lose our favored way to get out of town. 

This is really odd weather for August, as I have mentioned before. Then again, tomorrow starts September, so we're heading into Fall. Tomorrow is also my roommate's birthday. Happy birthday to him! 

Small Rearrangement

 We did some small rearranging in the living room. We just added three shelves instead of the entertainment center in the corner and it made such a massive difference. 

I would love to do the same thing on the other side. We have some file cabinets over there but they tend to stick, are difficult to handle, and no matter how much we tried to keep them organized, it's almost impossible to find things in them. I would love to switch that to another shelving unit and put the files in magazine holders. I think it's a better look and would keep things more organized just be the nature of them being smaller. 

But that is for a later day. In the meantime, I'll enjoy deeply the changes we do have. They're awesome. 

The Weird Storm

 It was horribly hot almost all day. Hot and muggy. We had the AC on probably the earliest we've had it on all year. It was truly nasty.

This evening, there was a weird storm. The storm consisted of lots of lightning, wind, and strange rain. The rain was light and almost gentle but massive at the same time. The sky was orange and bright. 

This cooled things down, but now it's humid again. I think I'm ready for summer to be over, though I have no idea how weird Fall is going to be. 

Dark August

 It was another dark and rainy day. This is so unusual for a month where the sun usually burns down on us and kills grass and bugs and hopes. My roommate and I suspect that September will be unrelentingly hot like it was last year, but with all the hurricane stuff altering the weather patterns, who really knows anymore? 

My video is finished and I'm doing my best to just chill tonight. My legs are hurting and that isn't making life fun. Hopefully that stops soon. 

Trial and Error

 I think I've gotten my mic situation sorted. I put a crocheted potholder under it to help to cut down on the outside noise. Along with my other sound-blocking, that seems to have done the trick. I still have too much of an echo, but I don't think there is really anything I can do about that in my house. It doesn't sound perfect, but it sounds a lot better than it did. 

This newest video also includes silly art props and a sermon. It's kind of glorious. I'm really pleased with it.

Self Promotion

 I've been writing this blog for years now and I never promoted it. I never saw the point. Some people I love (hey fam) read it on occasion to see how I am. Not too many people though. It's always been fine because the blog was about me and just keeping things sorted in my own head. For what I need it to be, it serves its purpose.

Recently I've realized I also did this because I hate self-promotion.  I promote the Youtube channel and I hate promoting it. It always feels fake and weird and pushy. The thing is, people promote their stuff all the time and I don't see those people as fake/weird/pushy, but I am sure they probably feel the same way. It's not something we're really inclined or practiced at doing. 

We need more subscribers though. I want more people watching the videos because I know they're good and worth watching. So I kind of push myself to promote the channel, even if it makes my teeth itch.

Anyway, follow me on Twitter @CowsWar. Please come subscribe to the Youtube channel WarCows.

Uggh.

August Winding Down

 We had plans for today but they fell through. Something was supposed to arrive in the mail and it didn't. This is throwing off a schedule but I guess right now that can't be helped. 

I had good news today. One of the medical issues going on with a loved one went well. This was a relief to me. It's a long road ahead, but hopefully, a road that leads to recovery.

I need to get my video together. I just lack the creativity to do it right now. I lack the ability to be ON to do it right now. So.....I have no idea when that's happening.