2017 Faves: Various stuff

So this is just a big hodgepodge of stuff I enjoyed this year. Once you get past episodes, things get broad. Media has changed a lot so that also makes this a stranger list. For instance, when I was younger, I could have probably always told you a favorite album of the year. That's less likely these days, though I did I have a favorite album a few years ago. Two of them, in fact.

Favorite Thing I did with Music: I finally started making playlists on Youtube. At first, I just did some short ones. Then I did a fairly long one for my roommate's Halloween party. Sometime after that, I started one I called Obsessions and started throwing songs that I have adored from time to time on there. Whenever I remember another one, I add it to the list. It's long and meanders all over the place and I really enjoy having it in my life.

Favorite Comic: The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. This was recommended by my roommate and he was quite right to do so. Archie comics don't have a frequent publishing timeline, but when they do, man can they put out some good stuff. This isn't your Melissa Joan Hart Sabrina. These witches are cannibals and into dark magic and pacts with demons. It's glorious.


Favorite movie: The Martian. This actually surprises me because I wasn't that into the idea of this move when it first came out. I loved it though. Even though it focuses mostly on one man stranded by himself, it says a lot about humanity, our ability to unite, and how amazing we can be when we all try. It was very uplifting without being cheesy. I like it when movies can do that.


I think that's enough for now. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. I'll reflect more on the year itself then.

2017 Favs: Episodic Addition

It seems like I spent most of the year complaining about things. I'll be honest; 2017 has not been a good year for me. I lost two cats. I've been in a lot of pain.  I was really scared a couple of times. I cried a lot.

However, there have been a lot of good things too! I thought I would list some of my favorite things of the year, as a way to document them, but also as a way to remind everyone that I wasn't just a sour sassy all year long.

I'm starting with things that come in episodes. I said episodic stuff because I guess some of it can't be called television anymore because I don't watch it on television. This has been a mixed bag for the things I watch. Some shows really sucked and I didn't finish them, like Project Runway, Supergirl, and, worst of all, American Horror Story. Other shows I watched all the way through, but I wasn't that happy with them, like Game of Thrones and FaceOff. I'm hoping with most of these it's just a matter of them having an offseason. Anyway, on to the good things.

BEST OF 2017

Favorite Continuing TV show: RuPaul's Drag Race. I love RPDR so much. People talk about it being the best show on TV and it really is. Rupaul takes all the best elements of reality competitions and adds a kind of variety show element to it. It just makes me so happy. This season had drama and fan songs and one amazing finale. I adore this show.

Favorite New Show: Legion. Legion branched off in a different direction from the comics and became this astoundingly surreal masterpiece. I loved the first season so much. There are scenes from it that I watch over and over again because they're just SO well done.

Favorite Youtube show: Movie Bitches. When you get a sarcastic gay man and a sarcastic straight woman together, get them drunk off wine, and let them talk about movies, drag queens, and various other topics, how could it not be just grand?

Favorite season of a show: Bojack Horseman. I think this is always the case since this show started. Bojack is probably the best show out there where ideas about Depression, failure, making mistakes, figuring out how to live with yourself, and finding reasons to live are concerned. This season also tackled miscarriage and dementia and handled both is very realistic and insightful ways.

Favorite Netflix show: Again, this is Bojack, for all the reasons I listed above. And also for the music.

Biggest Pleasant Surprise Show: Riverdale. I guess this one could be on my guilty pleasure list too, but it's honestly too good for that. Riverdale, which is what happens when you take the Archie Gang and CandyWarp them, is really a great show. The mystery sustains well. The drama is dire. The town is full of secrets and darkness. And, best of all, Betty and Jughead. Betty and Jughead are really, really the best.

Favorite Guilty Pleasure: Hey Qween's sideshow called Hot T. I could technically say all of Hey Qween, but I think the main two shows, Hey Qween and Look at Huh, are actually pretty damned good shows. Hot T, however, is MEANT to be nothing more than tons of gossip. I don't even care about the people they gossip about, I just love the way they do it. After the cats died, I would watch episode after episode of Hot T and laugh my ass off. It helped me to cope and what better use is there for a guilty pleasure?

Anyway, those are my fav shows for the year. I'll talk more about other favs tomorrow.

Thank You for Participating

I am so sick of hearing people bitch about participation trophies. Nothing makes you sound like an old codger more than complaining about all of society's ills can be traced back to the decision to give children trophies for participating in things. Mind you, I used to be one of those people. I've stopped though, because I've started to realize the issue was never, and is not now, so black and white.

The game I play has contests about every two weeks. I've entered a couple of time and won minor things. The last two, I didn't enter because I didn't have time and/or wasn't in the mindset to even try and come up with something. A guildmate of mine did enter both of them. He got prizes from one because they decided to reward everyone the same. He got prizes from the second one for participating. He didn't win the major stuff on that one, but he did get a little bit of stuff thrown his way, just for the effort.

And, okay, so the game runners did not do this to help anyone self-esteem. They didn't do it to make anyone feel good. They did it because this is their way of keeping people interested in the game. They also did it to encourage more people to enter their contests. I'm sure this has something to do with being able to so said numbers to backers as proof of the game's popularity.

The truth of the matter is this: participation IS its own form of currency. In certain cases, hell, in a lot of cases, just the fact that you put in the effort to show up makes all the difference.

So I have to wonder, how many of these little t-ball games where kids got participation trophies wouldn't have happened at all if those kids had chosen to stay home? The great ball players may feel unhappy about the other kids getting something too, but how would they feel if there were so few kids interested in the sport that no teams existed at all?

End of the day, it always comes down to supply and demand. If you have 200 people trying out for your team of 10, then yes, you have the advantage. Be selective. Choose the best. Shout out in all glorious self-righteousness that you will not coddle anyone and that you will not lower your standards.

But remember, that only only ONLY works so long as you have the numbers advantage. The minute your team that requires ten only has three people show up, well.....that changes things. Now you're the beggar and the other side can make the demands. You might be surprised what you'll be willing to compromise under those circumstances.

Watching Ghosts

I watched the documentary over Party Monster. It was on Youtube and only about an hour. I'd always wanted to see it because I'm fascinated by the club kids scene, for all its color and glitter and creativity.....and for its desperation. Michael Alig is a rather charming sociopath, but a sociopath nonetheless.

It was sad to watch it. A lot of the people they talked to are dead now. It was strange to look at these sad, tortured people and know things never got better for them. Thankfully, it did for some. James St James has done well for himself and is now basically a gay culture curator.

Michael never really showed remorse. He was upset he got caught and upset he was in prison, but I don't think he's ever been upset that he ended a life.

The End of Christmas

Today started the Recover from Holidays process. We ate our leftover holiday food and were pretty quiet. The roommate is trying to get some business stuff sorted, but couldn't due to companies still taking off for the holidays. That can be very frustrating.

It was pretty fun to see everyone's post-holiday pictures. I oddly like the ones of people asleep on couches wearing whatever festive stuff they received as gifts. It's just nice to see people relaxed and happy after the holiday has ended.

For me, the best part of the holiday was that my roommate and I made up a new, ridiculous Christmas spirit and told jokes about him the whole time. We even made up some songs. My guess is that he'll be part of our holiday tradition from now on.

Christmas Day

As per tradition, the roommate and I went to see a movie for Christmas. We didn't find anywhere to eat, so we got stuff at a convenience store. I wasn't upset about that. Finding places to eat out on Christmas Day is always an adventure. Often the adventure is the best part.

It may be the meds talking, but now that the holiday is completed. I feel more cheerful and festive about it than I did before. I tried to talk to people and make the best of things. I got some really great gifts and had some really good meals. Overall, I would call this birthday/Christmas holiday a success.

Blood and Fire Continued

It's easy to get frustrated when you lose GB two nights in a row, especially when you're used to a switch off every day. If you let it, a lowgrade panic can set in. What if they keep winning? What if their buff just goes up and up? In moments like this, the best thing to do is remember you're playing a game.

I like games because its low-stakes challenges. I can solve problems, but if I don't solve them, no one is going to kill me or turn off my electricity. It isn't important, but at the same time, you can still solve the problems. Right now our problem was that Biggest Jerk in the Basket could stand back up after we killed him.

But not always......

I needed to rally people. They were down. I reminded them that any victory had by the Basket would always be pyrrhic. They'd spent so much money on this game that even winning a battle every day still meant they were losing the greater war. Most of us had only invested time. As for the others, they'd invested no more than a night out at Red Lobster. In any battle, we had far less at stake.

With that in mind, we needed to sort out their new advantage. When someone is on a winning streak, it will be announced in the game's Newsfeed. It's also announced when someone ends that streak. In this case, the person who ended it was me. After we all calmed down from the loss, we started talking about why I was able to kill him when no one else could. Trust me, it isn't because I'm the best player in this game. In the rankings, I'm usually sitting at about #10. My guild sits at #1 though, and that is more important.

The thing is, I had a skill activated that no one else did. Most of them HAD the skill, but they didn't have it turned on. The skill causes sustained bleeding after each round up to three rounds. The thing is, it kicks in AFTER the round starts, so even if he stood back up after being killed, the bleed would kill him again and there was nothing he could do about it.

We had a way around him.

When reset kicked in, everyone used their scrolls to boost their Bleed skill. Even one level higher would help us. That night, as we waited for the battle to start, I reminded everyone to activate the skill. It's so silly because yes this is a game, but I couldn't help but smile as I typed.

"Let's make them bleed tonight."

And did this work? Did we win? Of course we did. It helped that their debuff was really high by now, but even with that, our ability to suss out a way around their advantages made all the difference. This city was ours again.

Blood and Fire

As a rule, I've avoided video games where I had to interact with other humans. I do better with games when I can just be my own self and not deal with people at all. And yet, I now find myself not only involved in a game with people but also leading the Guild. It isn't something I expected to do or even asked to do, but here we are. And you know what? I actually enjoy it.

A lot of that has to do with how narratives play out in my head. Our Guild has an enemy guild that we fight every day for control of the city (which equals a buff on experience and funding gains, starting at 10% and increasing every day that you keep power). As much as I thought I would hate this part of the game, it's actually my favorite part. It's what keeps the game the most interesting because it forces a gameplay evolution.

For a while, things between the rival guild leader and me stayed pretty even. He had the stronger position (he was the first person on the server and got massive bonuses for it to where almost everyone in my guild started a week or so later), but I had the stronger guild. My people were older, more seasoned game players. We know how to pace ourselves and how to work together. He had more money involved. Some people in my guild have forked over some cash, but usually, no more than one would pay for a pizza. He has some people who could have bought a decent used car for the amount of money they've poured into the game. Again, this gives him an advantage because more actual money means better resources. Even still, we were tossing power back and forth almost every night.

When we merged with two other servers, my side did not get even ONE of the advantaged First Players. Not one. I did, however, get some very good players who are sane and easy to deal with. A lot of them joined our guild. Some haven't and sort of float in their own little guilds off to the side. No one is really sure what to make of them. The enemy guild now had a band of high power players who were willing to fork over a lot of money to win. A lot of them are also annoying jerks. They make it easy to enjoy fighting them every day.

Even still, we held our own. The win for Guild Battle was usually going back and forth. However, over the last week or so, they've spent more and more. Winning was getting harder. For the last three days, we lost. I mean, it's a Facebook game, but it was still vexing me. The worst part was the biggest, most annoying of them all now had an ability that was almost impossible to beat. Everyone kept dying in the battle against him.

And why was that happening and what did I do? I'll talk about that tomorrow, including some fangirling over Julius Caesar. To be continued.

Lack of Holiday Spoons

Today was long and very tiring. I'm pretty spent from the day and would love to just have an easy rest of the week into the weekend. It's Christmas though, so that won't happen.

I've had some nausea off and on today. I wish that would settle itself down because I really don't need to deal with nausea plus holidays. I know I was just in a festive mood a couple of days ago, but spoons are being spent quickly right now and the sense of the festive is draining. At the moment, I'm just looking forward to next Tuesday. By then, all the obligations of doing stuff I don't want to do will be over.

Dark of the Year

My roommate has been posting some various little cartoons about the holidays. I watched a few of them and you know what? I honestly, actually feel better about things now. I needed that.

Things are hard in December. It's cold. There are a lot of obligations and expectations. Because it's the end of the year, a lot of changes start to hit, things that can often feel overwhelming. Maybe that's why we bring in colors and ribbons and shimmer and songs. It helps and distracts. It brings us comfort. A lot of the stories connected with this time of year are about hope, wonder, and taking care of each other. We need that during the dark of the year. It's what helps us move forward.

Six Days

I'm kind of glad very few people read this blog because it's been so emo and difficult lately. I wish that could be different but barring a birthday/Christmas miracle, it won't be. I used to ask my mom what she wanted for Christmas and she would say shit like 'a better job' or 'to be rich.' Bitch, I can't get you that stuff! Tell me what kind of candy you want!

I get it though. The things I most want right now aren't things someone could give me. If someone asked though, I wouldn't tell them that. I still have a list of actual, buyable stuff that I want. I'll also take the candy.

7 Days

In honor of it being seven days until my birthday, I am going to post about seven things that get on my nerves. I'm not going to suggest anyone should have to stop these things, but just to state facts about how much they annoy me.

1. I hate it when people are gone from social media for months, but when they show back up, all they do is post about political crap. No "Hi, I'm fine." No "Hey, hope you guys have had a good few months." Nothing personal or friendly or warm. Just bullshit about politics.

2. I hate it when people on social media make a big production about how they're going to leave social media. They write these massive posts about it. They hover around their post to see who responds. They respond to everyone by restating all the crap they just said in the op about why they are leaving. Oh, kicker? Nine times out of ten, they never really leave.

3. I hate it when people know others are trying to get stuff done, but keep distracting the situation with their inane babble. Six nights a week, people on the game I play try to accomplish a task.  It takes time, effort, and organization to do this task. Also six nights a week, several assholes show up to destroy the whole process and call attention to themselves. We hate them.

4. I hate it when you tell someone you don't want to talk about a subject and they keep bringing it up. I met someone a few months back who is very politically active. I told him I did not want to waste my time discussing politics. In the most refreshing turn of events, he respected that and we never do. It's nice.

5. I hate it when people try to turn things romantic. I think as a people, we'd do well to err on the side of 'no one finds me attractive' and then learn to be super peaceful about that fact.

6. I hate it when people try to shame others about food. What other people decide to eat is their business. Keep your opinions to yourself. If you don't want to eat it, fine. That's you. What they want to do is THEM.

7. I hate it when people complain about stuff that other people do but then turn around and do that exact same thing. With this in mind, I will try my best not to do all the stuff I just listed above.

With the Best Intentions

I planned to do a countdown to my birthday, but that didn't work out. Night before last a lot of stuff was happening before I needed sleep and then last night the internet died. Again. Yes, again. So I'm doing this now just in case the internet is messed up again.

Anyway, we're nine days out until my birthday. I'm having to start doing busy things sooner than I anticipated. I'm not happy about it, but there we are. I have chill blains on my toes that are cracking and causing me pain. I'm in that place where I hate December.

That's about it.

11 Days

My skin is very dry right now. I'm trying my best to tend to it but it isn't easy. The humidity is down insanely low. Normally humidity is a problem for me because it's too high. That is not the case right now. I feel like I'm drying up to nothing.

Other than that, the day was pretty good. No nausea and no weird feeling of being drunk. I deboned a couple of chickens and we put the meat in the freezer for later meals. So I feel all awesome about that.

Here's hoping the rest of the week goes well.

12 Days

Today I slept in the car while my roommate was shopping. I slept well because it was the warmest it's been in days. The car was downright snuggly warm and I loved it.

This is my first winter in a long time with no cat who wants to sit with me. We have Tinkerbell, but as you know, she isn't that fond of me. My roommate has a little warming area going on for her on the couch and she mostly stays there. At her age, I'm sure the weather is hard on her.

I know I comment on Tink not liking me often, but I want you to understand that when it comes down to it, I'm okay with this. I love that cat fiercely and I love her personality. Yes, she's standoffish to me, but I don't think a cat has to show someone affection before it can be adored. In this case, that is certainly true.

13 Days

We're 13 days from my birthday. I didn't experience any nausea today and I'm happy about that. Perhaps my body is adjusting to the meds after all. That would certainly be helpful as, again, I wasn't in as much pain as I usually am. I still had some pain, but nothing like the typical levels.

The roommate and I finalized our holiday meal plans today. It will be pretty simple, but honestly, we've found that works best for us. Too much food lurking around after a holiday tends to feel like more of a burden than a treat.

Going to do my best to take this week slowly as it's the last one before the hustle of the holiday. Maybe the meds will continue to make things better.

The Unexpected Issue

I was ready to give up on the new med, but then yesterday I noticed my pain levels were less. I think the new drug is helping me to sleep better, which, of course, is making it easier to wander around and be in less pain. That was pretty unexpected, but it's very, very nice. Needless to say, I'm going to stick with the new med for a while longer.

Today I didn't have any of the nausea issues. I was also able to hold it together through quite a few intense moments and be objective about what people were saying. Maybe this will actually help me to even out.

Side Effects

I scratched off what I thought was a bit of dry skin and it's been bleeding ever since. I have no idea what I did to anger this small part of my body, but it's doing some serious protesting. I put bag balm over it to stop the bleeding but that isn't even working. Hopefully, it will stop on its own soon.

I had some more nausea today. It didn't last as long but it still wasn't fun. If this continues, I will not continue with this medicine. I'm fairly certain it was the reason behind the sickness today and probably yesterday as well. I certainly don't need that during December. Things are hard enough this month as it is.

Anyway, I think I'll try to get some sleep. I'm worn out and I have a lot of things I have to deal with for the rest of the month. Sigh.

Documentation

For a while, I may use the blog to document any side effects/results I'm seeing from the new happy meds. Today I had some nausea, but that might have been due to the light I was trying to focus on so I could read something. So I'm not sure which it was.

Anyway, aside from that, I had a pretty good day. I'd decided last week not to go to therapy and I'm glad I did. I needed the rest and I needed the low-key day.

I Want a New . . .

I started my new meds today. I didn't really expect to see any changes and I didn't. It will probably be closer to the end of the month before I notice anything. I hope this works out well. It's always scary when you start any kind of medication that may affect your brain chemistry functions. I'll do my best to note any changes as I continue to blog.

Tulsa Appointment

When they told me I had a new doctor a few appointments back, I was super nervous about it. I felt relieved when I saw his nurse the first time and relieved when I saw a sub doctor the second time. I'd built up this whole image of some really unpleasant dude in my head. It was seriously wrong.

My new doctor is great. He's funny and personable. He was quite compassionate and listened to me. He seemed proud of my progress in the various areas where I've tried to make progress. It was meant a lot to me.

Anyway, needless to say, the appointment as well as it could, given what I have to endure. My best friend was a great help in not only driving me up there but keeping me distracted and sane. My roommate was great because I know I live in a calm, peaceful home and could come home to that. I'm a lucky woman.

Inklings

Tomorrow is the preparation day for going to the Cancer Doctor. I'm doing my best not to be nervous about it. Honestly, I'm doing my best to just pretend like it isn't happening to me. I'll just go through the motions until it's over with. That's how I've done all of this ordeal with cancer stuff. Just remove me from the situation and let it happen.

I also put off starting the new Happy Meds until after this trip. I don't see the point in rolling the dice about side effects when I'm nowhere near home to even deal with them. Beyond that and showing up on time, there isn't much I can do.

December

The last month of the year has arrived again. Soon it will be my birthday again. Before that, I have to deal with a doctor's appointment and various social engagements. I'm going to try to make the best of it.

As for my household, our major holiday activity has already started. My roommate and I have a tradition of watching holiday cartoons together. It's something we both dearly love. If we don't see the ones we want, perhaps we can find them online and watch them over the Roku.

The holiday specials mean a lot to us. It reminds us of being kids, but comforts us to know the chaos of childhood has passed. I mean, the chaos of adulthood is here, but that's a whole other story.

Anyway, hello December. Please be kind to everyone.

The Good Company

After another night of craptastic internet, it was a little annoying today to be over at my best friend's house and watch commercials for her internet company. Her company has, in the time she's had it, gone out once. Once, in like 12 years. It's faster than ours, cheaper than ours, and now it's going to upgrade itself to be even better.

Sigh. My town is one of the very few towns that doesn't have the good company. We have the awful company and because they have a contract with our town, we will probably continue to have the awful company. It's so frustrating because if we lived in literally any other town around us, we'd have the good company.

It really sucks to be a prisoner of location.

Bad Net

The internet is messing up. I'm not sure why. It's blipping on and off. I can't get FB to do much of anything and I'm worried Blogger might mess up too. So, with that in mind, I hope you have a good day.

Quick Post

This is just going to be a quick post. I have to be up early in the morning to go to the doctor. I'm oddly not that nervous about it. Mostly because I need meds. Once I'm finished with that, I may or may not have therapy. We'll see. I'm hoping I do. I'll write more tomorrow.

November Box: Hair and Contemplation

I was talking to my roommate about the Sephora box thing and it's possible that I may stop the deliveries after the first of the year. I'm not sure yet. It isn't that I don't enjoy them, but samples last longer than one might expect. I'm getting rather overwhelmed with makeup. Beyond that, I think the box experiment has served its purpose. I know more about modern makeup now. I was distracted for a while. I enjoyed it.

I know I'll certainly keep it through December and possible until February because I would like to see what you get in the month of love. By that point, I'll make the decision about keeping or letting go. Now on to the box.

I was very happy when I got the Amika Perk Up Dry Shampoo as one of my samples. I've tried other dry shampoos before and never really found one I liked that much. I wanted to see what something more high end could offer. Perk Up is 22$ for 5.3 oz. It's certainly more expensive than the ones I've used before.

Was I impressed? Oh yes. Perk Up used a natural rice starch for oil absorption. It's lighter than some of the starches used by other dry shampoos so it isn't adding a thick weighty look to your hair. Even better, it isn't leaving a white residue that you have to brush forever to get rid of. I felt like it had a lot of staying power. My hair looked good for quite a long while. The scent is subtle. Your hair smells clean and fresh, not overwhelming like it's trying to hide something.

A lot of people are icked out at the idea of dry shampoos and feel people should just wash their hair more often. I'm sure for some people that is perhaps the way to go, but for others, it just really isn't. Sometimes daily hair washing isn't practical or even possible. In my case, my hair gets oily only hours after washing it. Having a dry shampoo to help things out is beneficial to me.

Would I buy this product? Oh yes.  I would say this is one of the products I was hoping to get samples of and I'm quite pleased with what I received. I'm hoping to keep this sample for as long as possible because I really love this stuff.

Spoilers

Okay, so I have no problem with spoilers. I know some people do, but it's never been a problem for me. People get really weird about spoilers too. They'll freak out if an article states something they believe to be a spoiler, even if it's an already established and known fact.

Look, if a movie/book/episode of a show is out already and people very much know about it and want to discuss it, they are not going to start to do so just to keep your sweet little ears from hearing spoilers. Watch it in a timely manner like everyone else or accept that people are going to talk.

Drowning

Sometimes I have this dream that I have to swim through deep, deep water while holding my breath to get to something. I never make it. I either drown or freak out and come back up for air. In the dream last night, I came up for air. Even though I knew there was something I needed, I just couldn't bring myself to sink into that cold, black water.

I must have drowned in a past life because I can never shake this fear. Even if I'm just playing a video game, it stays with me. The sections of Mario where you have to be underwater would always terrify part of me. I hate thinking about them even now. It didn't keep me from playing the game, but I did find those sections to be just horrific.

Despite all this, I do love swimming.

Black Friday

We went shopping today, but not for Black Friday stuff. It was just for normal groceries. There really wasn't much of a crowd. I easily found a parking place and my roommate said he had an easy time in the store. It's possible, at least in our area, that the concept of Black Friday is fading.

We had leftovers for lunch and will do so again tomorrow. I think we did a fairly good job of only making enough for a few meals. Good on us for that.

It's nice to know we still have a whole weekend ahead of us. I have two doctor's appointments in the next two weeks and need to space out my time so I don't get exhausted. I really hope I can manage that.

Thanksgiving 2017

I've had a nasty sinus headache for hours now. It didn't put much of a damper on the holiday, but it did on my ability to focus and concentrate. The holiday itself was good. I mainly say that because my roommate and I spent it cooking. Making Thanksgiving dinner in my grandmother's kitchen always makes me think about her and my mom. They didn't get alone and Thanksgiving dinner was always a mess because they would snipe at each other, but it somehow all worked out. It's odd, the things you miss about people.

Anyway, I guess this Thanksgiving is about me being thankful for the brief lives that touched mine. My grandparents, my mother, my cats and dogs I've lost over the years. They're gone, but they're still with me. My roommate and I talk fondly about our ghost cats. I love that because it keeps the spirit of them alive.

I'm also thankful that I didn't have to go anywhere today because I am tired and in pain. Sometimes staying still is the best.

Don't Tell me It's Raining

Again, I've been gone for a couple of days. This was due to the internet screwing up. Suddenlink has been a thorn in our side ever since it started and it never gets any better. And really, the worst part of it is that it takes them so long to admit it's something screwing up on their end. Really, honestly truly, that makes me the angriest.

Seriously. As much as it annoys me that the internet goes off all the time, that is nowhere as irritating as the fact that they make you go through the song and dance of unplugging everything several times before just admitting what is going on. Please people! When someone calls, just say 'yeah, we know we knocked out your area. We'll fix it as soon as we can. Sorry.'

Is that really so hard?

Definition of Home

One of the most remarkable things I've been given the chance to experience in my adult life is the way my roommate brings cats into our home. He has such a sweet ability to foster trust in cats and the patience to let that evolve at the pace it needs to evolve.

The relationship begins with just him talking to the cat, usually from a distance. After a while, he starts leaving them food and water. They become infrequent porch cats, who come and go as they please, but know they can find food and shelter on the porch when they need it. Sometimes things never get past this point, but quite often, the cat soon finds comfort in getting petted and played with.

Twice past this point, the cats have joined our household. In the case of both Alice and Tinkerbell, I watched a very beautiful transformation. With both of them, there was a long period of adjustment where they would only stay in one room. They would be frightened of the idea of the 'whole house' and felt uncomfortable about joining us in the living room. However, over time, this changed. Soon they went from being IN the house to being part of the home. In both cases,  they learned to hang out with us, interact with us, and be part of the family.

It is a very beautiful thing to see a little outdoor cat go from being all on its own to being part of your family. You watch the very way this cat defines itself alter. The world is no longer this massive place full of challenges so immense that no consideration can be given to who the cat wishes to be. Once safe inside the house, and secure in the idea of the home, both of these cats began to shine. As I said before, this has been one of the great joys of my life. I am grateful to have experienced it.

A While

I skipped writing for a few days. I had to be up early on one day so I went to bed early the night before. The next day, I was just too tired. It seems I skipped another one too and I'm not sure why. Or perhaps I'm miscounting. In any case, I'm back. I have holiday dinner with the family tomorrow. I'm not exactly thrilled about it, but I'm sure it will be okay.

In a way, I want the holidays to be over. In another way, I'm just fine with the new year not starting yet. New years are always kind of scary for me. Who knows, though? Maybe I'll be more positive about it by then.

SAD

I think the Seasonal Affective Disorder is really getting to me this year. The lack of light in the evenings is usually something I enjoy, but this year the setting sun is making me just full of sadness. I'm having a lot of thoughts about my childhood and replaying things from my past that have gone wrong. I'm doing things to break these mental cycles, but sometimes they catch me unaware. Once I realize what is going on, I try to backtrack from it.

If you're a frequent reader of the blog, you know I've not been the happiest of campers anyway. This is honestly making things worse. I think over the next few days I'm going to try and think of ways to get myself past this. If I can rehab my shoulders, I can rehab my mind.

Winter Prep

One of the ways that my roommate and I connect is in that we were both raised with the principles of Depression Babies.  I don't mean people who depressed. I mean our grandparents, who lived through the Great Depression. Some of their ways of living really impacted us and as people who live on a very limited budget, it's helpful.

Today we got to really channel those ideas. My roommate is a genius when it comes to finding food sales. He found a lot of stuff for a very good price. When we got home, we portioned it out and put it in the freezer. It sets us for quite a while and helped to decide the menu for holidays.

It felt good to get the winter food stock in order. It felt good to bag things up and put it away. I know that one of the reasons it feels that way is because of how my grandparents would have reacted to the situation. My roommate did well today.

Tink

Tinkerbell, the cat who remains, still doesn't like me very much. I like her. I think she's very beautiful and funny. I like how she interacts with my roommate. I like that she has finally accepted our home as her home, even if she hasn't accepted me as her person. She's a good cat and I'm glad we are able to provide her with a comfortable life.

Tink is one of those cats with a body that changes with the seasons. During the summer, she is thin and her undercoat is very smooth. As it gets colder, she puts on some weight and her fur gets a lot thicker. Right now, she has a certain gravity about her. It doesn't always work with the rest of the gravity, but it's all hers anyway.

I've decided that Tink will be my comfort this winter. Even if she doesn't sit by me or let me pet her or even like me, I am going to find comfort in her adorable bushiness. I'm glad she's with us and I am happy she is part of my life.

Unwanted Awareness

I have a busy week ahead of me. I have to go to therapy, a doctor's appointment, shopping, Fort Smith for most of a day, and then do Thanksgiving on Saturday. I am not looking forward to any of it. Maybe I will when it gets closer to time, but right now it just all seems overwhelming and painful. A lot of physical effort and pain. I've been in so much pain lately.

I've been rehabbing my arms, but they still hurt. It's going to take time and maybe they're hurting a little less than they were before. I am still aware of them, though, and that is the biggest annoyance. I suppose the main reason I will never completely be able to honestly believe in body positivity is that I know I hate my body.

I don't think it's ugly and unworthy. It isn't like that. Those issues are meaningless. I hate my body because it is the major source of my pain, discomfort, and embarrassment. Seriously, most of the mortifying moments of my life have been caused by my physical form. Because of the size of my body, I am almost always in situations where I have to manage discomfort. I don't fit into things. Nothing can hold me. Things aren't wide enough.

The pain drama is always the worst part though. Aching here. Hurting there. Pain so intense I can't sleep. Pain so profound and prolonged I can't think. Shoulders today. Hips tomorrow. Feet. Hands, Butt. Sinus hell. It's like my body is just in this constant state of agitation and anger. It can't just be quiet, be stable, and be nice. If I could have a week where this or that wasn't hurting, where I didn't have sinus issues, where no stomach issues occurred, where everything just functioned without drama, there is no telling how much I could accomplish.

Rules of Life

You know, clearly, a lot of people need to be told some basic stuff that we took for granted that everyone knew. So here goes.

1. Unless someone says the words "I would like to see your penis (or some slang word for penis)" then you need to assume they do NOT want to see your penis.* Keep it in your pants.
2. If someone says they want a job at your company, that is not their precious subtle way of saying they want to see your penis. It is their way if saying they want a job. Do not show them your penis.
3. If someone does not say the words "I would like you to touch me," then do not touch them. And do not show them your penis.
4. If someone looks busy (eating, in a hurry, listening to music, reading a book), then they do not want to talk to you. Do not talk to them. Do not show them your penis.
5. If someone writes a review online, do not send them pictures of your penis.
6. If someone is a member of your church, assume they are there to worship God, not to have sex with you. Do not have sex with them. Do not show them your penis. 
7. If someone is in public doing the things that people do in public like walking, jogging, eating, rollerblading, etc, they are not there looking for sex. They really are there just to enjoy the public space.** Do not show them your penis.
8. If someone is nice to you, it is probably just because they are nice. Unless they indicate otherwise, do not assume they want to have sex with you. Do not show them your penis.
9. No one wants to see your penis.
10. No one wants to see your penis.

* Yes, I realized I gendered this. Assume the same for whatever bits you happen to have.
** Might not be true in cruising spaces of parks/bathrooms....best to know the local culture and read the tone of the area. 

Drear

I feel like it's been a while since I wrote, even though it's only been a couple of days. Things haven't gotten a lot better. My arms still hurt. It's cold, murky, and dark. I've been really emotional all day to the point that I cried during an episode of a show.  I really can't reconcile what's making me be so emotional right now. It's like I'm in some kind of rain cloud situation. I'm just sad.

Anyway, that's been my day. I really hope I can pull out of this funk soon.

Arm Issues

So I've lost some weight in my chest and it's making my life hell. You'd think it would make things easier . . . and in some ways, it does. I noticed it was easier to type on smaller devices today because of how my arms are sitting. However, the arm thing is also one of the problems.

Besides just the pain from the couple of falls I've had recently, my arms are hurting in other areas too. I realized today it's because their position on my body has changed. My arms used to sit about an inch higher and at a different angle. It isn't something people without significant weight really have to deal with. Your arms are just to the sides as they should be. My arms are still to the side, but lifted up and distorted in a different angle due to how my fat is distributed. That's changed now and because it means the general angle and position of my arms have changed, the adjustment is painful. Seriously painful.

Along with the shoulder rehab I'm doing, I'll do some for the rest of my arms as well. Just to see if I can help them to calm down about this. It may take a while, but hopefully, in a month or so, the pain will be gone.

I just want to remind anyone who is in the process of losing a lot of weight that it isn't always fun and games. There is pain involved, sometimes a lot of pain. Don't let it discourage you. Yes, it's rough. Sometimes it can keep you up at night. Just do what you can go get through those moments and remember you have goals.

The Glorious Darkness

Ahh yes. Daylight Saving Time has ended. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay!  I mean, it is dark by 5:30, but it's worth it if I get to sleep in later in the morning. And I do love that. I wish the rest of the day had been more Fallish. Instead, it was hot and muggy. We had shorts and fans on.

My pain levels were less today. I think the rehab stuff is working. This is a positive thing. I think it took me almost until sundown before I was really aching. This is progress!

Pain

Both shoulders are killing me right now. I've been tending to them as much as possible and trying to do some rehab, but that isn't keeping the pain down at night. I read quite a few articles about shoulder pain today and got some good ideas.

In fact, one of the most encouraging things I read talked about how simple movements repeated several times a day were best for releasing a lot of the pain. I'm hoping that a few weeks of this (and no more falling) can help me to get back to just the usual levels of pain I'm in. This new level sucks.

Better Mood

A three year old painted one hand of my fingernails the other day and it honestly didn't look that much worse than the hand I painted. No matter how old I get, I will never master that skill. It just isn't in the cards. It was fun though. She really gets a kick out of nail polish and I get a kick out of her being happy, even if the color does look really bad on me.

On the 18th, it is likely that I will meet my third-cousin Ayden. My family tends to keep five generations going at once, this time is no exception. It's a good thing they didn't have to rely on me for that. Hah!

November Blues

October is over and the holiday season is upon us. What to know where my mind is? In 8 days I have a doctor's appointment. In 18 days, I have to deal with my family. It's all just divided up into the length of time between various hassles. It makes my teeth ache. This is Depression.

I'm in pain today, but I'm functioning. Maybe all the fatness cushioned the fall. Whatever the case, nothing was broken and I am grateful for that. Pain, I can handle. Most of the time. This paragraph is a bit more positive than the last one. I mean, as much as one can be positive about not breaking anything after a painful fall. Hah.

Damages

This was not my best Halloween. We didn't do anything, which was fine. Neither of us really felt all that festive. Really, I just kind of wanted a quiet day where nothing happened. For the most part,  that's what I got.

At least, that's what I got until I fell. I have these houseshoes that are too big for my feet. When I'm not thinking about it, I shuffle around in them. There is a bit of the flooring in the hallway that is bunched up. I tripped over it and fell into a bookcase. I tried to catch myself but didn't. My butt hit the floor pretty hard and my shoulder took a nasty slam into the shelving.

The pain isn't too bad right now, but I'm not looking forward to waking up tomorrow morning. I'm sure the pain will be in its full glory by then. So just....great.

Guild Geekery

Funny story about the new game I'm playing. Everyone in there is one of the clones, of course, so you don't know anything about the people behind those clones. We got into a discussion tonight after Guild Battle (which we won, hallah!) and one of the guys mentioned he was old. Now, this guy . . . I honestly assumed he was like 17 or something. Nope. He's in his 60s. This opened up a whole discussion about our various ages. The youngest person in our group is 27, most of us are in our 40s/50s.

To me, this adds a whole other dynamic to how we play the game, especially the Guild Battle. Guild Battle is actually my favorite time of the day for the game. When I first started, I just randomly joined a guild (not the one I'm in now) and stumbled along to the various events. One night I was the only person in my guild who went to guild battle. It was there that a guy I'd talked to on occasion noticed what I was doing and invited me to join a more competitive guild.

I like the battle event because it's the one thing about the game that can't be predicted. Where everything else is based on how well you're building your characters (with some minor changes thrown in there for critical hits and stuff like that), Guild Battle relies on the humans behind the players. How many people show up? Who can get in fast hits? What kind of plans do you have?

There used to be quite a few guilds involved in the battles, but the two strongest ones are my current guild (that I happen to somehow be in charge of now) and our rivals. For a long time, we couldn't beat them. Then we started beating them every other day. But one of the smaller guilds decided to disband and join theirs. Well, actually, they wanted to join our guild, but we're on different alignment sides so they couldn't. Anyway, they joined that guild and suddenly they had the numbers. When we lost two days in a row, a lot of people were discouraged.

I really wasn't. It thrilled me because suddenly our typical back and forth wasn't a given. I thought about why they won and realized it had to be due to how they situated their attacks. We talked about this and one of the guys in the guild came up with a battle plan for us. We tried it and it worked quite well. So now we have an evolving rivalry, and that's just awesome.

I can't wait to see what they come up with next.

I Get So Emotional, Baby

Uhh. Today was not good. I was very stupidly emotional all day, on the verge of crying, and just in a total funk. There was no reason for it.  It wasn't real. I mean, it was real, but it wasn't based on anything. It was just the chemical mishmash. It means nothing, but it does keep me weepy about the idea of a cute picture of my second cousin, looking at a cat, the idea of the spider in the bathroom being harmed, etc.

Anyway, I have no idea where all of that came from. It was there, I managed to deal without letting it break me down, and now it's somewhat subsiding. Hopefully, I'll be out of this funk soon and I can just be creative and maybe write better posts.

Clone Wars

So I'm playing a new game called Guns and Magic. I started it because KK:H was doing a promo where you could get Kstars if you played it for a while. I figured I could endure it for 40 levels and then leave. The thing is, I started liking the game. Now I like it a lot. I'm not sure what the plot of it is actually. The plot doesn't make a lot of sense. I have my own ideas about the plot just based on the various activities we do every day and the repeating graphics.

See, everyone has a choice between a male or female hero character. Unless you stupid a stupid amount of actual money, everyone's characters look the same. You either have a blonde man with no shirt or a white-haired woman with lots of cleavage. He has a massive sword (no pun intended) and she has a massive gun. They travel with three support characters who change over time, but still always look alike.  You fight enemies who look both like your support characters and some various other (though limited) character types.

The backgrounds are beautiful, but they're also all broken. You travel over broken bridges or strange areas where ships are filled in with dirt like an ocean disappeared and all the ships that were sunk at the ocean floor just filled in as winds blew dirt into them. The two cities, Liberty Port and the city of the elves, are both located high in the sky and surrounded by airships.

So this is my theory. This is what remains of a broken world. Someone found a program for making clones and while this program could make an unlimited number of clones, the variety of said clones was quite small. Over time, these clones forgot they'd been cloned and believed themselves to be various races. Now they all fight with each other. The blonde and white-haired humans who live in Liberty Port have a shaky alliance with the elves, but only as long as they are fighting the pirates (who attack every day) or the robots (no one knows why they attack). However, there are some humans and elves who have been corrupted and work for the side of evil, that's why sometimes you will face an enemy who looks exactly like one of the people in your party.

I'm sure that's not the case at all, but it's my headcanon and I'm sticking to it.

Nice and Cold

Yes, I mean it is nice and cold as opposed to it being cruel and cold. We'll probably get there, but it will take a while. For now, there is just enough chill in the air to make things nice. YAY!

Perspective

Getting older is hard. Your mind settles down on a lot of issues, but while sometimes I think that's wisdom, other times I wonder if it's not just because you're in a lot of pain and your mind is being wonky. I think when women leave the stage of menopause, there should be a custom to give them a party to celebrate the fact that they made it through this transition without killing too many people. That's actually harder than it sounds.

Anyway, I had a good day today. We ran errands and they went well. Now we can just coast into the weekend and hopefully, that will go well too. See, as you get older, it really is the little things that make all the difference. No drama. Peaceful days. What more could one want?

Editing

I've been quiet on Facebook for a while now and I think I'll stay that way. I'm playing some games and making some comments, but for the most part, I think it's best I just back away. It seems like everyone is so deeply mired in the negative right now. It's sad. It's like we can't let go of the darkness. We need to, we need to move on and live our lives, but it seems so very difficult for people. I was like that for a long time, but I'm letting go now. I can't change politics and I certainly can't change the political climate. All I can do is live through it as best I can. If I'm going to have the strength to do that, I can't let my mind dwell in the darkness.

On an unrelated note, I started putting away my summer clothes today. I also culled some undershirts that were well beyond any hope of holding together. I tend to keep those things around until they're so full of holes I have to tie knots in them just to keep some level of modesty. It's senseless to do that because I have other t-shirts.

I think we all need to really be careful about what we allow in our lives. Someone told me tonight that a few years ago she opted for a less effective surgery because it was outpatient and she didn't want her husband spending the night with his mistress. I think in a situation like that, we should teach people to take care of themselves and anyone who would jeopardize that should be edited out of their lives. It's for the best.

Good Spooky Wind

I think for really the first time all month, I'm feeling the Halloween vibe. It all has to do with the wind. There is nothing quite as atmospheric as dark nights where the wind is blowing the trees. I love the haunting sound of Autumn wind. I love the way it can chill you to the bone. I love the how it makes nights like this feel even colder than they are. And really, that's fine because it's the kind of cold that can be easily handled with a nice, warm blanket.

When I got home, my roommate had set out our little festive holiday decorations, all four of them. The wind and the decorations all made me just giddy for the first time all month long. I'm counting this as a very good day.

Of Course

Last night it stormed and I honestly thought I was going to lose power. I didn't, but it was just a slowburn to losing power this evening. We had a transformer blow down the street. It sucked to be without power AGAIN, but at least it's cool today and not like 90. That always sucks.

Fortunately, as you can tell, the power was restored! I can write this brief, complainy post about how annoying and predictable my electric company is.

Amazingly, we didn't lose internet service.

May the Best All Star Win

This is a 20-minute promo video of all the queens who will be on Drag Race All Stars Season 3. I am so excited for this, for the most part. Hee! I am so excited.

Also, it's storming, so this is a short post. Watch the video!

October Box Surprises

This box was a delight for the eyes. There were so many cute little packages and so many great colors. One of them was purple and I had no idea what it would do. When I found out, I was quite delighted. This happened to be the BECCA First Light Filter Face Primer. An oz of this will cost you 38$.

One of the unique features of this primer is the fact that the violet tint allows it to work with any skin tone. It goes on purplish but as it bonds with your skin, it becomes sheer. My roommate said he could still see it on my skin. Perhaps it takes a bit longer? Anyway, what I liked about it was its ability to color correct the brownness that happens around my eyes. The ginger and citrus in it give it a very fresh scent and I enjoyed that quite a lot.

Would I buy it? As just a primer, no. But as a color corrector, I think I would.

The biggest surprise in the box was the perfume sample. When I pulled it out, I didn't have high hopes. After all, CHANEL GABRIELLE CHANEL Eau de Parfum just didn't seem like something that would work on me. I'm just not the 105$ for 1.7 oz kind of person. I don't want to smell like some rich lady. especially not Coco Chanel.

I was so wrong. This perfume is wonderful. It's light and delicate, which actually works well with my body chemistry. It also lasts a very long time. I find it delightful. It has notes of jasmine, orange blossom, grasse tuberose, and ylang-ylang. Ylang-ylang is very fun to say, by the way. All of it works together to create this very smooth, flowing, clean, inviting scent that I absolutely love. It doesn't make you smell like some old rich lady. It makes you smell like her garden. And who wouldn't want that?

Even still, that is a lot of money to pay for a scent. However, in this case, it would probably be worth it.

So that ends my October box. It is bringing me a lot of happiness.

Sidestep

I have one more post to do about my October box and I will do it tomorrow. Yesterday was difficult because of the massive update and because I found out I may not have my therapist for much longer. It's just getting too difficult for her to make money in her field and she may have to leave. My state is trying really hard to get rid of counseling services. In the end, unless someone else gets voted in, they'll probably succeed.

Today I had to be up at five and I didn't get home until almost 8. My mind is just wired and wonky right now. My fingers are stumbling over the keys. In other words, I'm just not in the best headspace to talk about my Sephora stuff. I will talk about it though because this box made me very happy.

October Box Foundations

I think one of the reasons I've been so excited and happy about this month's box has to do with all the new types of products that arrived. I've not really gotten any foundation from my boxes. Lots of lipsticks and lotions, but no foundations or powder. This has been a little surprising and I have to say, I was really happy to get them.

The foundation I received was MAKE UP FOR EVER Ultra HD Invisible Cover Foundation in Ivory. This is six shades from their lightest shade, Alabaster. Was I going to get more of this, I would probably opt for that. Then again, maybe not because this did match my skin tone really well. It's 43$ for 1.01 oz.

This is another one of those products developed for people who will be seen in high definition conditions. Because of that, it's formulated to be really light. I'm actually shocked at how light this is. I have some BB cream that I use most of the time and this is even lighter than that is. It doesn't look like you have makeup on. Rather, you just look like you have really great, even skin. Needless to say, this is a glorious product.

LAURA MERCIER Translucent Loose Setting Powder is the powder in the box and you can buy this for 38$ for 1 oz. I have a lot of issues with powder because it's one of the things that set off my sinuses. I have to be careful about using it near my eyes.  I also have an issue with it making me look darker than I want to, even if it's supposed to be the lightest shade. Because of that, I most often have to mix it with baby powder, which is actually worse on my sinuses.

With that in mind, I was marginally hopeful this expensive fancy powder would be better. It is. It's great! I didn't sneeze or eye water or anything with it. Given that I'm still recovering from being sick, that's kind of amazing. The powder is matte, and as much as I don't like that with lip coverage, it is something I want with my powders.

If I were in a position to where I needed to look professionally made up for long hours at a time, these would be two products I would certainly purchase. One of the problems I've always had with foundation is that it felt thick on my skin. This would cause me to start scratching at it and that isn't a cute look for makeup. Something as light as the Makeup Forever product doesn't cause me that problem. I could wear it all day and not even really notice it was on me. The powder is so easy to handle and doesn't cake up. I love that. I'm quite happy with these two samples.

October Box: Droppers

Even though I wasn't that pleased with last month's box and too depressed/sick to even really talk about it, all of that has changed with this month's box. I got it a day early and love absolutely everything in it. All of it was for the face this month and, as my roommate commented, a lot of it came in neat packages. I also got some things in forms I've not really dealt with where makeup is concerned. For instance, I have two products that came with droppers. I'll be talking about those tonight.

The first product is COVER FX Custom Enhancer Drops and it's 42$ for 0.5 oz. I have to confess, I wasn't even sure what this was at first. It was this cute little shimmery bottle with a dropper. I opened it up and there was shimmery liquid inside. Come to find out, this is an intense highlighter. Now mind you, that is only because the shade I was sent was one of the highlights. My shade was Moonlight, which gives you a kind of silvery glow.

This stuff is amazing, potent, and addictive.  For one thing, it isn't like any other makeup I've ever used. My other highlighters were sticks and I just didn't find them all that exciting. THIS product is exciting. It really is much more like a paint. You have to be very careful with it because just the smallest drop can make a massive difference. That's also the problem. As much as I wanted to be prudent with it, I also did not want to. Highlighting with this stuff is fun and SO effective. It made me look like I had the BEST eyelids and gave me that little perfect spot on the tip of my nose. And what it did to my lower lip is almost sinful. I love this stuff so much and I will be so sad when it's gone. Maybe while it lasts, I can learn to use it without ending up looking like the Tin Man.

My next sample with a dropper was the MAKE UP FOR EVER Ultra HD Skin Booster. If you want to purchase this, 0.4 oz will cost you 41$. Now if I'm not mistaken, this is the first serum I've been sent. Now backs ins my days, serums weren't (as I remember) really a thing. This is a newer concept in makeup, this idea of putting something on your skin that is as light and as thin as water. As our cameras have gotten better, and as more and more things are shown in HD, thick makeup has become an issue. We need to be able to layer things in people's faces without making it look bulky.

Actually, this product was specifically designed with HD (and higher) images in mind. Makeup artists (and regular folk) want to be able to have a lot of impact from their skin without tons of stuff on it. It certainly does that. It goes on like water and once you rub it in, it begins to plump your skin up and give it more life. I noticed the biggest difference around my eyes and the folds of my nose. These are challenging spots for many people and something like this can really make a difference.

Now in both cases, this is expensive stuff. You're paying over 40 dollars for less than an ounce in both cases. Is it worth it? I would honestly say yes, in both cases, but with this caveat: if you buy these products, you have to use restraint with them. This isn't old school makeup where you slather it on until you look better. They come with droppers for a reason. They should be applied one drop at a time and then consideration should be given before another drop is added.

That kind of consideration isn't something I'm used to where makeup is concerned, and I have to admit I kind of like the idea. For me, this is a new approach. It isn't just about doing the usual stuff and then only giving thought to how leaky my eyes may be. Thinking about makeup in terms of one drop at a time adds a new element to it. I'm looking forward to seeing how much I screw this up how well I can learn.

The Good Kind of Rejection

Okay, so this is a weird thing. One of the neighbors told us today that almost every car in the neighborhood had been broken into. They asked about ours and we knew they were fine. After he left, we discussed how odd it was that we were passed over (hah!) and no one else was. We came up with several theories for this.

1. We just honestly look too poor to rob. This is a possibility, but lots of people in our area look poor. Our stuff isn't any more or less trashy than everyone else's place. I doubt it's this.

2. We look scarier than everyone else in the neighborhood. My roommate is an adult male under retirement age and I look like I'd kill you if I fell on you. This could certainly make people think twice about robbing us. I also have a large scar on my arm that they might assume I got in prison. This is certainly the reason I WISH were true.

3. Fire Ants. We fight an almost constant battle with fire ants. It's possible the would-be thief walked into our yard and found himself stung by tons of evil little ants. He could have also gotten sprayed by the local skunk or frightened by the local giant possum. Again, I would like for this one to be true, but the fact is, if an ant pile was this close to either of the vehicles, my roommate would have seen it by now.

4. We stay up really late. This is probably the most likely reason. We have lights on well past one on most nights. This is probably the most likely reason we weren't hit. Any robber who thinks you're still awake is going to opt for the easier target. In this case, our night owlism is working to our advantage.

In any case, we're making sure to keep the doors locked. 

Balance

It seems that lately my roommate and I are having the same conversation. The weather is going to be uncomfortable for a few days, but if we can just endure that, things will get better. It will be cooler. We'll have cold nights where we can sleep peacefully. There is an implied hope in this conversation. We're banking on the idea that the weather WILL get better and that we'll not be so exhausted by the time it gets here that we can't enjoy it. If we just endure A, then B will make it better. This hope got us through the summer. It's a hope that gets us through a lot of things.

The problem is, and this is where people start falling apart, there seems to be more of the A to endure and less of the B that makes it okay. There is a lack of balance in the weather that is causing both of us (and I would assume a lot of people) to just get iller and more depressed as these warmer days stretch into Fall.

October is usually my favorite month. In theory, it's cooled down, but not horribly cold. It's before the stress and difficulty of the holiday season. It's certainly before all the first of the year bad luck I tend to have. This is usually the month where I feel safe, where I feel the most content, and when I feel the happiest.

However, for the last couple of years, October has just been one more shitty month. Last year, our gas pipe problems were in October. Our fridge went out in October. October was the start of a series of illnesses for both of us that climaxed with my roommate in the hospital. Months and months of illness.

I don't feel happy right now. I don't feel content. I certainly don't feel safe. I'm sick and covered in a light beading of sweat because the humidity is insanely high and it's hot. This month is half-way over and I just feel awful and exhausted, out of spoons, and drained. Something needs to give here.

Smoke

My neighbors insisted on burning leaves today, which did not do my sinus infection one damned bit of good. I'm still coughing things up, though I feel better than I have in a while. Hopefully, by the end of the weekend, I'll be back to my usual self. I'd like that. I think we'd all like that.

I didn't sleep well last night. Well, I did, but it was hurtful. I had a dream about a childhood friend who killed himself several years ago. In the dream, he was trying to get me to help him with something and I kept not getting it right or maybe I just wasn't understanding what he wanted. When I woke up, I felt sad. I still miss him.

Reflection

I'm seriously tired. Instead of a post, you're getting a verse.

Aging is the worst.
You still have zits
But now also, saggy tits
It's like you've been cursed.

Meh

I've not been able to eat well today. The only thing that really worked for me was an ice cream sandwich. Other than that, I've only eaten about half of anything else. Nothing really tastes right. All the sinus stuff is distorting my senses and I'm so tired that if something doesn't taste right, I just can't be bothered to eat it.

The internet has stayed on today, though my Facebook wasn't working for hours. No idea what was up with that, but, again, too tired to really care. I'm not as sick as I was, but the lingering weakness isn't much fun.

A Day of Sleeping

I slept a lot today. I needed it. The sickness has made me so very tired. I had trouble just even holding my stupid noodle bowl this morning. It's made of paper. Anyway, so I slept and slept. It helped, I think. I don't feel great, but I certainly feel less like death than I have for the past few days.

The internet and cable were both out for hours today. The company was their usual self about it. I think I could handle this company's shit service if I also didn't have to deal with their shit attitude. But why should they try? They're the only game in town. Bah!

And Still

I woke up feeling dizzy and broken. I couldn't speak so much as just squeak and even that hurt. I had to cancel some plans, then I went back to sleep. It was hot so that didn't help much. It's supposed to be in the 50s tonight, but either the weather isn't letting that happen or I have a fever again. Either could be true.

I had a lot of weird fever dreams.

Still Sick

Today was rough. I was sick all day and it's exhausting me. For a while, I couldn't even talk without my voice causing me pain. My roommate made me hot tea and that helped so much. Now I'm just kind of snotting all over everything. The cat isn't happy about it.

Speaking of things the cat isn't happy about, I've started using pain cream. It smells like old people. The cat hates it. However, it has helped me a lot and I am glad to have it. Even if I do smell like old people.

It Begins

Uggh, I'm starting to get sick. My nose is a mess. My throat is a mess. My eyes won't stop watering. This really sucks. What sucks the most is that on Monday it's going to be hot again. So I'll be sick AND miserable. Yay.

Liquid Alterations

I honestly can't remember if I've mentioned in the blog that I've cut down on my caffeine intake. This wasn't a philosophical decision or something I did out of guilt. The level of caffeine I was consuming was making me jittery and unable to sleep. This was a HAVE TO thing, which, let's be honest, is pretty much the only time I can ever really alter a habit.

There are people who start removing caffeine from their lives and talk about how much better they feel. I'm not one of those people. This hasn't been HORRIBLE, but it also hasn't been pleasant. I've been experiencing a lot of annoying things since then that I can trace back to the caffeine reduction. I'm in more pain. I'm more irritable. I'm more tired. Do I get to sleep easier? No, not really. I'm having hot flashes on the regular (something I've not had to deal with in a while) and it's making my sleep kind of worse.

On the other hand, I'm not as jittery anymore. That's a good thing.

I'm guessing that in a few months, I'll be used to the caffeine reduction and start functioning like a normal me again, such as that is. For now, it's kind of awful. So if you decide you want to reduce your caffeine levels and it's kind of hellish, don't feel like you're the only one. Sure, some people are just GREAT after it, but that isn't all of us. You'll be okay.

Grief

One of my friends posted about how his cat died in the night. She had been with him for ten years, though she was older than that. He'd gotten her when she was a grown stray. He said he knew she was going to pass because her health had gotten so bad. He held her and she died in her sleep. He talked about how it hurts because she's been his running buddy for years now. I understood. I know how much this hurts.

Some people are really shitty when someone else is grieving the loss of a pet. They believe that the pet's death should somehow mean less to you than losing a human.  I don't get that. In some cases, our relationships with our pets are more honest, longer, and less hurtful than relationships we have with other humans. Pets provide us comfort and loyalty without asking much in return. Pets can have amazing personalities.

We can't tell someone else how to grieve. We can't tell them what is allowed where grief is concerned. Grief is one of those uniquely individual things where each of us has no idea how we'll react. In some ways, that's scary. In other ways, it's how we know we're here, real, and alive.

Rain

It rained for the first time in weeks. It didn't rain much, but it was enough to perk things up. Well, outside things. Not me. I know I've been a Debbie Downer lately, but it's been a Debbie Downer kind of year. In the last couple of years, I've lost so many people and things that create the roots of the tree of me. It's been hard and I don't see any end in sight.

I watched a panel from New York Drag Con about club kids. The panelists were all club kids back in the day, well, and honestly, some of them still are. It was neat, but it was also really sad because so many of the people connected to that scene fell through the cracks, died, or just normalized out. Now you have this Old Gaurd and soon even they will be gone.

Oh well. At least we got rain.

Vegas

I think the most disturbing thing about the shooting in Las Vegas was how slow it was for people to speak on the topic. Social media seemed busy with other concerns, Tom Petty, hurricanes, the usual political hate machine. Finally one of my FB friends who lives in Vegas assured everyone he was okay and that's how I found out.

All mass killings are senseless, but this one even more so. Just some discontent dude who decided he needed to kill people. This has become too common and I'm not even sure what we're supposed to do about it anymore. This man was in his 60s, rich, white, living what seemed like a fun life. And yet, he still had to harm others. It's sick.

Nice Weekend

My weekend went pretty well. We're both sick with sinus yick, but other than that, things were fine. It was lowkey and uneventful. That's always good. I was supposed to fold towels and I didn't. I'll do that tomorrow.

I think the most interesting thing I saw this weekend were these scary Halloween masks that people have been making with yarn. They'd be hot to wear, but they're still pretty great. I may look into that over the week if I feel like it and it doesn't get hot again.

Bound

It wasn't until just a little while ago that I realized I never posted my continuation of the September Box. The thing is, I don't think I'm going to. To be honest, I wasn't that impressed with the other selections. Or hell, maybe I was or I would have been if I wasn't so depressed. It's frustrating when the depression hits me like this when I'm taking my meds, making good decisions, and lacking in serious drama.

Of course, none of that really matters when it comes to my depression. Even the meds don't help me that much. They're more for the anxiety side of my issue. And the rest of it, well, it really doesn't matter what you're doing. This is chemical. Though, I think it's also about exhaustion.

On the day to day, I'm happy. I laugh. I engage people. I am content and experience moments of peace and being proud of myself. This isn't that kind of issue. This is a deeper kind of depression. The kind that keeps part of your spirit bound down. It's the kind that removes the sparkle from the moments that should sparkle. It's the kind that keeps you from recharging.

September was hard. It was hot and I was in pain. My roommate was in pain. The cat was uncomfortable. Some unexpected changes cropped up to cause us worry. In a normal year, I'd probably be okay. But this isn't a normal year. I've lost my babycats and that has changed everything.

Hopefully, October will be better.

September Box Hair and Skin Care

Wow. It's really taken me a long time to get around to doing this. Between my box arriving late and the heat making me too annoyed to mess with it, I've just about run out of days in September to talk about the box. It's okay though. The way things wound up, I really only have about two days' worth of posting anyway.

The first sample was ALGENIST POWER Recharging Night Pressed Serum and normally it costs 95 dollars. With that in mind, this stuff should work wonders. It smells really good and I enjoy the idea of it. It feels good when it goes on my skin, but I by no means look younger yet. Mind you, it's not been ten days. It says it takes that long to see results. I'm not really expecting much. I look at it this way . . . if they developed some product that really made people look that much better, it would be shouted from the rooftops. The serum makes my skin feel nice. I doubt it will ever make me look younger.

My next skin care product is BELIF The True Cream Aqua Bomb and it's a far more reasonable 22$. This moisturizer is one of those products that people use in a lot of ways. Some people use it just to prevent the daily drying of the skin. Other people use it as a primer. Others put a thick layer on and use it as an overnight mask. I have a CPAP mask so that last one would not work for me. However, I have enjoyed it as a way to just wake my skin up during the day. It tingles a little and has a rather refreshing feel to it. Is it the best skin product I've gotten? No, and I certainly wouldn't use it as a primer. It's nice though.

Instead of sending a perfume sample this time, I was given a small duo packet of stuff for my hair. It was IGK Hot Girls Hydrating Shampoo and Conditioner. Both sell for 25 dollars. Now one thing I didn't like about this product was the packaging, which was both difficult to handle and sharp on the edges. Now if this was going to be opened when someone had easy access to scissors, that would be one thing, but most people are going to open shampoo and conditioner samples while in the shower, with wet hands. That always needs to be considered.

As for the products themselves, I liked the subtlety of scent. Both products were thicker than normal and left my hair with that feeling it has when it's washed in water that's too hard. I thought it did a nice job on my hair, but when I was reading comments, I noticed that anyone with longer hair complained about it tangling and causing a lot of problems. So perhaps it's a better product for people with shorter cuts.

Of the three, I like the Aqua Bomb the best. Now mind you, if I do look 15 by the end of ten days, I will certainly change my mind about that. I just don't believe that will be happening.

Tired

Despite me still having hot flashes today, the weather has cooled down. I mean, I didn't really notice that much because my body decided I would be warm anyway, but my roommate assures me that it happened. Hopefully, this will result in me sleeping better, which has not been a thing that has happened in a while. If I am lucky, I might even sleep through the night.

Beyond just the physical exhaustion, it seems like everyone is emotionally spent. I think we're all just too damned tired to function anymore. The election. All the constant conflict. All the rhetoric and anger and bullshit is just wearing everyone out. The world, collectively, needs a break.

Female Trouble

In the recent uptick of hot weather, I've been unusually miserable. It's because I've been having hot flashes at the same time. The hot flashes were subtle enough that I thought it was just a higher than usual intolerance of the heat. Hot flashes also explain why I've had so much nausea as well. I'm annoyed by this because I thought they'd gone away for good. I'm very consistent with my meds to control them, but I guess that isn't always 100%.

Hot flashes are one of those experiences that you just don't understand until one is happening to you. They suck so much worse than I imagined they would. When they're happening, you absolutely cannot ignore them. It's just awful.

Hopefully, this upswing in female trouble will go away soon.

Unintended Sparkle

After the whole drama with the internet, my roommate left a complaint on their Facebook page. He's quite good with his words and a master of expressing his bitterness with companies like this, especially this one, because if they can't provide their basic service, what good are they?

Anyway, he told me he ended it by telling them congratulations for being awful or something like that. Later when he looked at the post, he noticed the word 'congratulations' was in red and highlighted. When he hit on it, it shot off virtual confetti and balloons.

Hahahahahahahahahahah!

This has pleased me to no end. I'd seen that little feature on FB used for sincere congrats when people had babies or whatever but used with sarcasm, it's just utterly brilliant. From now on, when I sarcastically congratulate someone for something, I'm going to fully say "Congratulations! Confetti! BALLOOOONS!" It's just so much better.

Teenaged Mad Max Ninja Turtles

I've been watching Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles for years. I started watching it with my brother when he was a kid. It was amusing then and in its various incarnations, I've always continued to love the story. Even if, yeah, sometimes it repeats story arcs.

This latest version of the show has been hit and miss. It was never bad, though sometimes it was just meh. There were some decisions they made about the nature of the turtles and Splinter that my roommate and I have often times discussed the value of doing. Some of the episodes have been filler and that's been annoying. Some of the motivations have been lacking. The thing is, when this version has been good, it has been VERY good.

The last three episodes (shown altogether as a kind of minimovie) are a great example of this. It was a kind of What If story. The world has been hit by a mutagen bomb and everything is basically Mad Max now. The story explores how this would affect each turtle and does so in a way that I felt was true to their characters. When the bomb hit, Leo sacrificed himself to save his brothers and therefore felt the greatest impact of the mutations. Donnie died but transferred his consciousness into a robot. Mickie became a crazy wiseman and Raf became our Mad Maxlike pov character.

All of the right Mad Max elements were there, including a Thunderdome battle. The story had all levels of conflict ( vs. nature, vs. others, vs. self), all of which were resolved to a satisfying climax. In the end, our heroes get what they wanted, in some cases even more than they wanted. It was just glorious.

I love it when television gets it right.

Sour Sassy

I need to post about my makeup, but I'm thinking about waiting to do that until the weather breaks. It's been so miserable the last several days that I've been in too sour of a mood to even CARE about that kind of thing. Honestly, it isn't just my mood. I've been in pain. Both my roommate and I have been in a lot of damned pain for the last week. This needs to end. I mean, seriously, there is only so long my body can endure summer weather.

Because of that, I mostly had the Sit and Stares today. Weather like this is something you just get through as best you can. After a while, you start to wonder how much you have left in you. Trust me. It isn't much.

This is not entertaining weather. I need my cool Fall back.

Internet Drama

My morning wasn't bad. I was in pain but I was coping. I knew I didn't have to do much and past that I could just enjoy my day. We went shopping. We came home. We had lunch. I took a nap.

Then my roommate tells me the internet is out. It was also hot as hell in the house too. We decided that, despite both of us being in pain, we'd go into town and waste a few hours to see if things would level out at the house.

They didn't. The net didn't come back on until ten. It's still pretty uncomfortably hot. My urge to kill is leaving me, but it's still there. Bah.

Sleep Drama

Possibly the only thing worse than having to be up by five and trying to sleep in a hot, humid house is having to be up by five, sleeping in a hot, humid house, and waking up at 2AM with a hot flash. It was one of the worst ones I've had in a while. Not only was it in my hands, it was in my head and belly as well. By the time it was over, I was exhausted. Unfortunately, it wasn't the kind of exhaustion that sends you back into sleep. That would have been kind of impossible anyway, seeing as my sheets were completely soaked by this point. Hot flash, night sweats, nausea. It's the trifecta of menopause hell.

I'd love to say my day got better but it didn't. I feel like I've been beaten by soap in a sock. The only good thing is that I can sleep later in the morning so I don't have to drag my ass to bed so early. The later I can stay up, the cooler it will be. The cooler it is, the better chance I have of actually sleeping for a while.

This should not be happening in September.

Humor Drama

My hometown came in sixth on a list of the most white trash towns in Oklahoma. I thought this was funny as hell and reposted it on Facebook. The post was very public so everyone, including friends of friends, got to see it. My conservative family members' friends didn't seem to like the post that much. One of them even commented that it was racist.

Normally I would let this kind of thing slide because I try my best not to argue with people on Facebook, however, in this case, I just couldn't. White trash is not a racist term. It's a term that describes a culture of people, often even used BY that culture of people. Racism implies that the labeling would cause them some kind of hardship in their lives and it really doesn't. This was my comment.

Totally not racist. No one is doing anything to harm the white trash. Being White Trash doesn't stop them from renting trailers. No one will refuse their loans from the quickie loan place or question 'my girlfriend's mama's miCROwave' as collateral. When they go to the local pill doctor and claim they got a back injury while 'wrastlin that damn nayber dawg off mah dawg Elvis' they will receive their quota of oxy pills. When they get stopped by the cops for going 80 in a 25, the cop merely exchanges fishing stories with them while writing them out a warning for the speeding, the open container, and the fact that their 'wittrsh' license plate is expired.

Someone past this commented that I was being ridiculous and clearly they do not live in this area. Any and all of these things can happen, though the ability to obtain a loan with a microwave not owned by you is based completely on your level of charm. The thing is, most white trash people are oddly charming.

Anyway the whole thing was meant in good humor. Some people don't seem to get that. Maybe they'll get tickled by Twizzlers or something. That seems to make people smile.

Weather Drama

It's back to being hot and humid. I'm sick to my stomach, nauseous, and dizzy. Today was miserable. For once, I'm glad my Old Lady Pain Cream smells like mint (and old lady) so that I could breathe it in and try to calm down the nausea. By the way, if you've never tried that trick, give it a shot. Smelling mint may not work for everyone, but it certainly makes my nausea subside enough to where I can function.

Aside from that mess, it really wasn't a bad day.

Car Drama

I woke up early this morning, showered, and took the car to the auto shop. When we got the oil changed on Friday, they said my passengers side back tire was almost flat. Mind you, it's been a long time since I had air put in the tires and we've gone through a lot of temperature shifts, still, I worry that there is something in the tire making it lose air. With that in mind, I took it by today. They said the air pressure in all four tires was where it was supposed to be.

This was a relief, somewhat. In all honesty, I would have rather been told the tire was screwed up so I could just have it replaced. Now it's a waiting game where I take it in next week and have it checked, then we see from there. I hate being tethered to that kind of thing, but I'm not really seeing where I have a choice in the matter.

I also need to get my windshield fixed. When we had the oil change done, Ol Girl who checked us in gave us some recommendations about who to use for that. It's going to be expensive, but the crack on the windshield is so extensive now that I don't really feel we can put it off for a lot longer.

Car work always makes me nervous. I once read an article that talked about how car issues that are annoying for people with money can be devastating for poor people and this is very true. Every time the car has to go to the shop, even for an oil change, I always dread it because there's the possibility that something massive could be lurking and I'll have to scramble to find a way to pay for it.

The windshield thing, while expensive, would usually be pretty straightforward, but I have a sensor box on mine and I'm worried about how that will be affected by changing it out. I shouldn't worry about it because logically any company who does this for a living has probably changed windshields with these boxes on them before, but the fear of the unknown is eating at me.

I shall be happy when the car drama is finished.

Even When it Hurts

I watched the 4th season of BoJack Horseman this weekend and am quite pleased with it. It remains one of the best shows around as this season did not disappoint. Along with tackling the usual topics of Hollywood, addiction, adult disappointment, and relationships, this season explored running for politics, miscarriage, asexuality, and way in which people can be more than they seem.

When I started watching this show, I thought it was wickedly funny, but kind of got swept away by how intensely sad it would be by the end of the first season. Our two main characters, BoJack Horseman, a washed up addict who used to be a famous sitcom star and Diane Nguyen, a writer who struggles with various levels of success and failure, are equal parts inspiring, sincere, frustrating, and selfish. They're both unhappy and damaged, sometimes trying their best and usually failing miserably. They fear failure and success. They hate the idea of being alone and hate being with someone. I see myself in both of them.

For instance, there's one scene where BoJack admits to the girl he thinks is his daughter that he lied to her about knowing who her mother is. Then he admits that he lied and says he won't lie anymore, only to lie within the next few minutes and admit to the lie again. And again. He honestly doesn't even know why he keeps lying to her, though as the audience, we're aware that his parents both used the truth as a way of torturing him because they never filtered out any of the darkness that came to their minds.

BoJack's mother features heavily in the season. We learn a lot about her, both through flashbacks and an episode told from her point of view as a person with dementia, one of the more experimental episodes as it explores the ideas of images in the head of a person without complete memories. This exploration of her mind brings about the resolution of the season's main plot and adds understanding (if not really resolution) to one of the key themes of the show overall. We know why BoJack's mother is such a bitch, not that it makes it hurt any less.

As much as this show can frustrate and hurt me, I always leave it feeling so much sympathy for the characters. Very few issues ever have a happy ending. Most have, at best, a path to move on from after the dreams and goals have been chased and lost. That's life though. We move on, even when it hurts.

Slide

So my roommate found me a different keyboard. It had been stashed away in the back since arriving in our lives with one of the last computers we purchased. It's sturdy enough, but the stupid thing is slick. Every time I move it too fast, it slides off the desk and into the floor. This isn't the best start for my relationship with a new keyboard.

I tried winding yarn around it. I thought maybe the yarn would provide enough resistance to stop the slide. It didn't. I tried using a large paper holder on it but that didn't work either because there was no real place to connect it without covering keys. I'm sure I'll think of something, but so far everything else I've considered just didn't even seem worth trying.

Until then, we may keep sliding.

Almost Flat Friday

We got the oil changed today and they told us one of the tires was almost flat. Given that I was in Fort Smith the other day, I'm lucky I didn't end up having to call a tow truck. We'll see if the air holds over the weekend. If not, on Monday Blair will be getting her first new tire since I got her. I'm trying not to let myself worry about this. It's an expense and not the only one I'll have with her this Fall. She needs her front windshield replaced because the crack that was large is now the crack that is very large.

On another irritating note, it got warm again. I was all mentally prepared to let Fall roll on in and here I sit with all the fans on. This isn't how I wanted to spend my weekend. I was enjoying the peace of no fans. Unfortunately, we're going to be in the 90s for the next several days. I guess I should have just been more grateful for the cooler weather I was getting.

My keys keep sticking. I think it's time to get a new keyboard.

More Ouch

This won't be a long post. I played with a child today and the child won because I'm old. Because of this, my elbows hurt and it's making typing a process that isn't all that pleasant. I DO know that my Sephora box is on its way, so there's something to be excited about! More later.

The New Game

Okay, confession time. I recently started playing Kim Kardashian Hollywood. And I love it.

It isn't Glitch. I don't think anything will ever replace the spiritually uplifting beauty that was Glitch. Then again, given recent grief and current mindset I seem to be in, I'm not sure I have the spoons for anything spiritual. KKH is superficial. It's a game about becoming a celebrity, having nice clothes, and cool houses. At the same time, it's well structured, has a clear storyline, and so far it isn't boring. Even the grazing you have to do to get energy isn't really that boring.

The Facebook version of the game follows the storyline of the phone version. You're working in a small clothing shop and have a chance encounter with Kim Kardashian when she's in need of help. She takes a liking to you and helps you start down your path toward fame. Along the way, you meet her family, some helpful and eccentric staff, and gain either Dirk Diamond or Willow Pape as a rival.

There are quests and miniquests. There are situations where you can choose your own moral path (which leads to alterations in the quests). There are also a lot of options about who to date, what to wear, and where to live. Those last three can cost you a lot of money and little decisions about what you purchase and change how well the game goes for you. For instance, on my third time restarting, I had the sense to save up to buy the private jet (which saves you a fortune on travel) but still haven't forced myself to buy the house in Calabasas (which gives you the most advantages during parties and episodes of your show).

Oh, that's another fun aspect of the game. You shoot your own reality show. You even get to name it. I named mine Gold Digger. As the game progresses, you can also buy other businesses, like clubs, shops, fashion houses, and hotels. I currently own three shops, a fashion house, a hotel, and a gym. I have weekly quests related to each of these that rewards me extra funds when I complete them.

And yes, most of the time, the game is just grazing for points, doing photo shoots, and watching your completion bar fill up, but even those are fun. Most of the photo shoots have connected stories and the ones that don't tend to at least give you some good rewards.

Best of all, the game creators found a way to keep it from being boring once you reach the top. At that point, when you have completed all the related quests, you have the option of losing your fame and clawing your way back as a rebranded star. I've been coaxing a hot A-lister for a while now. When I finally fall from grace, I plan to ditch my current husband, marry the A-lister, and begin my path again. It's going to be glorious.