2022 The Year of Minimalism

And by minimalism do I mean I'm going to cull down my possessions to only 20. Nope. That is a massive goal I could, in no way, accomplish. 

However, I am going to embrace one of the basic philosophies of minimalism: Less, but better. 

There are a lot of people who take minimalism into more aspects of their lives besides just their possessions. They use it as a guide to the people they let in their lives or the level of information they allow themselves to ingest. They use it as a way to set reasonable progress for themselves. 

And the thing is, as I said in yesterday's post (and as anyone will notice as they look around the world), things are rather unstable right now. It just really is NOT the time for big anything. Big projects, big decisions, big spending, big changes.....no. Not until the world looks a little more level. 

So. Here are my minimalist goals. 

1. Use things I have. One of the reasons why things are so cluttered is that have a lot of things I'm just not using. One of my goals for 2022 is to give these things purpose. No buying new hobby supplies. No buying new storage containers. I have plenty of this stuff. We'll find new and better ways to use it.

2. Organize small areas at a time. I managed to organize about two shelves in the utility room this last month. I did it about ten minutes a time over a period of two weeks. It looks pretty good (except for my jacket) and I feel happy when I look at it. The other two shelves I can't work on because my roommate has one already organized and the other one is out of my reach.  I think this is a good pace though. Small organizing steps. 

3. Maintain good habits. Even if I don't build on them, at the very least, maintain the ones I began.

4. Go to therapy. I've started again and my therapist is very good. It's been three years and it's certainly time for me to start again. 

5. Do the things that bring me joy. Read, listen to music, talk to friends, pet the cats, that sort of thing.

I'll be honest here. I am scared of 2022. The last two years have been really chaotic and I think we'd all like for that to stop, please. I'd like a nice, simple year where things just run smoothly and people make progress. There is no way I can control that though. The best I can do is just my small bit of it.

Joyful Saviors

Oh, the world outside is frightful.....

2021, fam. It wasn't the best of years. The political landscape was insane. People are radicalized and just stupid. People are ignoring logic and reason and common sense. Hell, the crowd that always claims to have common sense is ignoring it. 

......but these things are so delightful!

However, I have managed to make it through the year mostly sane...ish....kinda. And here are some of the reasons why. 

My closest friends. The people I talk to on the daily are people I've known for years. We have conversations that have lasted for years. No matter how bad things get, we'll find ways to either process the situations or distract each other. People, you need friends like this in your life.

JRRT's works. My mom read Tolkien to me when I was very young and it's always been a part of my life, but this year I dove headfirst into the fandom and allowed myself to become outright Tolkientrash. This fandom is my favorite thing at the moment and I love it so much. No matter how bad things got, I could sit here and think about Sauron seducing kings to their ruin and feel better.

An Archive of Our Own. On a related note, I also dove headfirst into Tolkien fanfic. Some of the works on AO3 are amazing. I've read many book-length works that made me weep. I've read short pieces that delighted me. I've considered characters and situations from so many different perspectives. Ahh, it's been so much fun.

YouTube. Actually, YouTube keeps me sane every year, but this year especially. This is where I find music to meditate, it's where I've discovered new stuff that speaks to me, and it's my usual source for education. You can learn anything on YouTube.

Focus. So I've tried to change some stuff in my life this year. Okay, admittedly, I try to do this every year, but I've had some success this time. I'm getting better at mindfulness. It's not a lot. It's mostly some focused breathing and perhaps stretching for 15 minutes or working on leg rehab or just letting my mind empty for a bit. It's never a lot, but it's something. It's more than I was doing and it's helping me. 

Anyway, I've gotten past the point of hoping the world gets better. I'm not sure that's even possible anymore. Despite that, we can still find joy in things. As I've written time and time again, I truly believe that if people put effort into working on their happiness, everything would get better. 

For 2022, I hope that all of us find more joy. 

Oddities

In my various gifts for Christmas, I received some bags of used yarn from my stepmom. One bag also had some knitting needles and a small book in it as well. I've decided, as to not make Ye Elder God of Yarn Stash even larger, I'll be using the Stepmom Yarn before anything else. That way Yarn Stash officially stays the same size.

Some of this yarn is just going into the next rounds of the stash-busting blanket. Some of it is really nice though and I think I'll make it into some hats. I still need to do the hat with bells. 

Some of it though.........

Okay, admittedly, my yarn exposure is not massive. I've tended to purchase only what involved a project for someone else (usually baby blankets) and some various bits for myself, but given that I still basically suck at this, I never buy anything uncommon or expensive. And I do not think this stuff was expensive. It's just....strange. 

I made a trivet out of one ball of it. It's big enough to basically handle my teacup or any hot bowl I might need to handle. I tried to make a bracelet out of some of it but that turned out ugly so I may try to unwind that and....maybe another trivet?

The rest of it is in fall colors so I'm combining all of them to make a skinny fall scarf. So far it's pretty, if, yeah, still odd. The really good thing about this stuff is that it knits quickly so I should be finished with the scarf tomorrow. 

Treasure Chests

I read another version of Fingon saving Maedhros from the mountain again today. It was really good. Hell, it's always really good. I have read this story and versions of it over and over again for months now and I always love it. It always thrills and hurts and sometimes it makes me cry. The one I read today did. I even know exactly what is going to happen in them, but it's still just so amazing.

Some stories, some moments in books or songs or movies, or what have you, are treasure chests. No matter who opens it, they will always find wealth inside. Tolkien wrote tons of such moments, but I think Fingon's rescue of Maedhros is my favorite.

Betwixmus

A woman for The Guardian wrote an article about a tradition she and her single friends have between Boxing Day and New Year's Eve. They call it Betwixmas and it's basically Single People's Chistmas. 

It's the time when you don't really have to go to work (or no one cares if you show up) and you can hang out with your friends and not be bothered by family obligations or anything like that. I think it's a lovely tradition. 

Of course, every traditionalist in the comments had to trash this as hard as they could. They insulted the writer for being single and claimed there was no way she could be at peace about it. They insulted the idea of single people just wanting to live their lives and have fun. The ones who were married tried to argue their choices were far better and the ones who were still single and bitter about it (most often, men) ranted about how horrible it was that people could possibly CHOOSE this as a way of life. 

Once again, stop hating on other people's joy. Let people be joyful about whatever they want. It really isn't harming you. Your time would be better spent finding some joy for yourself. 

Cat Concerns

Tinkerbell has been living with us since 2012. She was several years old when she was rescued. I'm not sure how old she is, but it is considerable. Her face has a lot more white on it than it used to. 

I don't know how much longer we'll have her. I don't really want to think about it, but right now things are pretty depressing so my mind is going there. I hope our time with her is long, but that's less likely every year, isn't it? 

I'll end this now. I need to hold my cat.

Day After

Okay. So next year I am going to insist I do not have to spend my birthday with my family. I am going to make sure we see each other either before or after my birthday so I can do what I want to do on my birthday and not worry about other people. 

I think that's only fair.

Day Before

Tomorrow is my birthday. I just really hope nothing screws up. I don't want the stress. Just please let it be an easy birthday with nothing weird or broken or sad or awful. Please.

The Next Step

I took the car to the mechanic's this evening because I did not wish to get up early and take it tomorrow. It's going to be cold. Hell, I can't even take credit for this because I almost talked myself out of doing this today but then my roommate reminded me of how much Future Me would hate Current Me for making them get up so early. He was right.

I really hope this is the end of the Car Issues for a while. There has been enough for my current headspace. I have no more spoons for the car. 

My nephew calls me after he gets off work to help reflect on his workday. I like that. It's sweet that he feels comfortable doing that. 

Seriously Cold

Today was pretty nippy. On the bright side, I got to wear my new hoodie for the first time this year. It's heavenly comfortable. I love it.

We bought holiday candy to indulge us for the week. We have a movie to watch tomorrow and hopefully some more holiday specials. We may have to make those happen via Netflix or something. 

The cat is under a blanket I'm knitting and has been sleeping for hours. When she wakes up, she either purrs or growls, just depending. 

I got some magnetic earrings because my ears hate penetration. I'm not sure how well this will work, given my fat. We'll see. 

Still Not an Analogy

I decided to try the hat prep again last night. I didn't try with the ruined chaos mess of yarn because that was beyond repair. I salvaged everything I could from that and tossed the rest in the trash.

I had another twisted hank that I needed to unravel and turn into a ball. I watched some videos over it but it seemed to be missing the steps I needed to understand how to keep it from just becoming this massive knotmess. When I examined the problem myself, I realized the whole thing unraveled in a way counter-intuitive to how I think AND the trick was to never let it leave loop shape. 

I have an old empty picture frame that I hung it over and used that as a way to keep everything in the same shape, then I just went slowly in my unraveling process and let it go where it needed to go. Occasionally I would smooth everything back out, but for the most part, the keys seemed to be keeping the loop open and going slowly. I'm sure that isn't the case for everyone, but it certainly was for me. 

So in the end, I have a ball of yarn that at no point became a massive mound of chaos. The process took a long time, but it happened. It may not be the BEST solution, but it's A solution. I can live with that.

Birthday Week

So that big mass of tangled yarn I wrote about yesterday? I decided life was too short and I didn't have to put myself through the agita of unraveling it. Again, not an analogy about my life, but.....possibly.

Anyhow, this is my birthday week. I'm going to try to make the most of it, despite having to deal with my family and get the car worked on AGAIN. Aside from that, I'm going to do my best to just chill out and have fun. Read smut. Eat candy. We'll see how it goes.

I have some chores I need to do as well, but they'll happen as they happen. 

Unraveling

I'm trying to unravel a chaos mess of yarn. It's so pretty but it's a complex knot and tends to break apart quite often. I mean, this isn't an analogy for my life but kinda close, right?

Anyway, I have plans to make a hat. I've experimented with two weights of yarn and neither suited. This will, I think, but I have to untwist it first. that could take days. Then I'll have to tie all the little balls it keeps breaking into back into one big ball. Sigh. I hope this is worth it.

Again, not an analogy, but basically could be. 

The Shirt Thing

My birthday is in seven days. 

I ordered a festive holiday shirt for myself. It was perfect. Black with the Grinch's hand on it, holding an ornament. I loved it. I checked the sizes and it came in my size. I was so looking forward to this. 

When it arrived, the label said it was in my size by the damned thing was maybe a medium, at best. It was also very narrow. Even at my thinnest, my shoulders wouldn't have managed to fit in this shirt.

I just.....okay, look. I was really looking forward to this. I was excited about it. The whole idea of it made me happy. Do you know how rare it was for me to find something in my style AND my size for a holiday?

Well, clearly rarer than shit because it didn't actually happen and those people screwed over everyone who ordered from them. 

The Car Issue

Our experiment worked! We successfully captured the liquid from the leak! When we presented it to the mechanic, he was able to confirm it was oil. The leak is coming from some hoses and we'll have it fixed next week. I feel so much better now that I know what it is, that it IS a thing that can be fixed, and that plans are on the way to make that fix happen. 

So yay.

December Plans

Things are situated, more or less, for my family holiday plans. Even though I try to get this on any other day but my birthday, it still ends up on my birthday. 

Also, the main gift I was looking forward to may not be in. And it's going to be late and dark and I know I'm not being that positive about the holiday but so far December has been stressful. 

It's always stressful, but this year is just eating away at me. Stupid car with its stupid leak and its stupid inability to be found so it can be stopped. LOOK, if you're going to leak, leak in a way that is obvious. I don't need this in my life right now. 

Weaver Goodbye

Dear Anne Rice,

I read The Vampire Lestat before I read Interview and I think it shaped not only how I saw your books but how I saw life. Lestat was exactly everything I wanted a vampire to be and I honestly never believed things from Louis's perspective. Ever. I loved it when later Lestat burned down his house.

The beautiful thing about Lestat was that he was a charming as hell narcissist. No one you would want in your actual life, but fun as hell to read about. I wasn't in love with him. I reveled in him. I was thrilled by him, the same way I adore Starscream and Sauron. Here were these fey creatures who defied gender and norms and rules and everything. It was an energy I connected with and found solace in. For a young teen who felt that the world didn't love, respect, or understand her enough, characters like Lestat were soothing. 

I have liked your other books over the years, but I feel the universe NEEDED you to write The Vampire Chronicles. I think our society collectively needed all that lust and drama and decadence. I think we needed the pulse you gave to us. I'm so grateful you wrote what you did.

I've roleplayed with some people for over 20 years, and your work has informed a great deal of that world-building. Even in places where there are no vampires, the way you tackled secrecy and sensuality and ancient things and darkness and wickedness still leave a trace in what I build. Others have added to it, but I can always feel your threads and I thank you for that.

Outside of your writing, you were sometimes a kook. You let your husband put his bad poetry in your books and you went religious for a while and maybe I lost interest in your writing as I got older. And that's fine. It doesn't change the foundation you gave to me. It doesn't alter that you brought happiness and joy to me when I needed it as a teen. 

I am saddened by your death. It is weird to think of the world not having you in it. Then again, the world WILL always have you in it because your books changed so many of us and your characters live on inside us. 

Thank you.

Good News Bad News

Bad news:

They did not find the source of the leak.

I had a panic attack and yelled a lot.

Good news:

I mostly just yelled in the car by myself. 

I was able to pull myself out of panic mode.

I came up with a plan for the car.

My roommate was wonderful and forgiving. 

I now have a passport for my computer so most of my stuff is off of it.

Therapy Plan

We went over my treatment plan today. I was pleased with it. Some aspects of it surprised me, but then again I'm supposed to be pushed (ever so gently) out of the little nest I've built for myself. This week I am to work on doing breathing exercises to calm me down before bed. I think I can, at the very least, manage to breathe.

Tomorrow the car goes into the shop so they can look at whatever is leaking. I've been trying so hard not to think about this all week. There is nothing I can do to fix it, nothing I can do to change it.....well, outside of just calling someone else to fix it. I hope it's an easy fix. I really do. I don't need to spend my birthday month in mechanic shops.

Better Discipline

I can't spell 'discipline' for the life of me. I always have to look it up and I shudder to think about all the places I've spelled it wrong.

Anyway, I had better snack discipline tonight. I planned for healthy snacks and said I would only eat those. I managed to make this happen. So yay. 

It's a day-by-day thing. I have a tendency to skip the healthy stuff for a few days and then assume it's all over. I am trying my best not to do that anymore. I'm trying to return to healthy habits even if I have a bad day or a series of them. I have to. This has to happen this time. 

Car Issues

The car is leaking something. It's not oil, but it's also not just water. I'm having it looked at on Friday. Didn't need car issues, but no one ever does so such is life I guess. 

I was better today. The booster has left me exhausted, nauseated, and fractious, but at least today I could do some folding and make some plans for stuff. Most of the plans are altered forms of bigger plans I had. Those can wait. I just need to get things SLIGHTLY more in order. 

Anyway, it was cold today. I wasn't disciplined about my eating. I'll try better tomorrow. 

Love and Music and Questions

Falling in love with another person is lovely. Sex is fun. 

But have you ever fallen in love with a song? Have you ever heard a song for the first time and felt like something inside you unlocked, like some you suddenly understood some new secret joy about the universe? Have you ever found that song and then listened to it over and over again, craving it like life itself, resenting that you have to sleep because that's keeping you away from the song? Ahh, is there any better love than that?

The best part is, even when you find that you're attention is drifting away from the song, the change is still there. It still altered you. It still made you better. Nothing changed that. Every time you go back to the song, everything is still there. 

No greater love.

Not Well

The booster was difficult. I've been feverish, achy, and ick. I hope it clears up in a few days.

The Baby

The old cat has decided she is a baby and must spend the evening on my chest, usually covered with a blanket and always with the majority of my attention. 

This can be annoying but I'm letting it happen because she's old and she probably needs the warmth and reassurance. It's fine. I love her. I hope someone lets me be all cuddly and grumpy when I'm old as hell. 

New Start

I started therapy again today. I'm glad I did. It's been a bit over three years since I stopped and to be honest even that last year was pretty sketchy. 

I'm going into therapy this time with a very clear focus on my goals. I know what I want to accomplish and I accept that it will take time to break this down. I'm not expecting a quick fix but I am expecting results. I don't mean just from the therapist. I mean from myself as well.  

The Rest of the Week

I finished my garland and it's really cute. I'm in somewhat less pain than I was. I managed to do stretches this morning. So yay. 

Tomorrow I start therapy again. I have an agenda of things I want to accomplish. We'll see how it goes.

A Little More Festive

I am in pain. Despite that, it was a good day. The house is a little more festive than it was because my roommate surprised me with a garland, some more lights, and some ornaments. It's all adorable and I think it will help us with our SAD.

I pulled out my knitting because it's cool enough for me to work on that now. I also tried to talk my dad into moving to my hometown. We'll see how that goes.

Festive

The Thanksgiving decorations are put away and the Christmas ones are up. We even have the little plastic candle display working this year. I like to think it will make someone outside happier. 

It's not QUITE the last month of 2021, but we're getting there. I know this has been a harrowing year for a lot of people, but to me, it seems to have blipped by in a second. Once Trump was out of office, time sped up again. That helped things a lot.

I'm not going to like FORCE myself to be happy during December, but I'm going to try my best to make it happen. Lots of music. Ignoring things I can do nothing about. Focusing on positive changes. You know, the stuff that produces the good brain chemicals.  Maybe that will help matters. 

Black Friday

I am exhausted. This is a short post. Several of my subscriptions updated and it's been a good reading night. However, I need sleep. I need a lot of sleep. 

A Thanksgiving Miracle

Randomly, the ban on my Sims games was lifted today. I can play again. I'm kinda glad. There is a visualization project I've been working on and I think Sims will help me with seeing what I need to see. 

Aside from that oddness, our holiday was nice. When you have just two people, you have to get creative about what kind of meal you serve on holidays. No one wants to be eating leftovers for days. We limit what we have to just a few things and make small amounts of each. We also have one small pie. We used to try for one for each of us, but that proved to be too much. This is better.

I guess one of the other traditions we've started is that if we miss a dish at the actual holiday, we try to have it sometime around the holiday. A couple of weeks ago I had the green bean dish I love. We'll be making some other things between now and Christmas. I think it's a good way to ensure everyone gets what they want without overwhelming any specific meal. 

Anyway, I'm off to play Sims. 

Two Days Before Thanksgiving

Okay, so I'm going to make a list of things for which I am grateful. It's that time of year, after all. 

I am thankful for my friends. My friends are the best people. My friends keep me sane and happy. I love them so much. They mean the world to me.

I am thankful for good conversation. This connects back to the friends thing, but it is important. I thrive on good conversations. A good discussion is better than sex.

I am thankful for the strong relationship I have with my dad. When my dad says he loves me, I know he means that. 

I am thankful for humor. Again, this keeps me sane. 

I am thankful I've been making some positive changes in my life. I get frustrated with them because it's not moving as quickly as I wish it was, but I'm still thankful it's happening.

I am thankful for fanfic writers. I love how fanfic writers can take a subject matter and explore it in so many different ways. It really adds to my love of the original work. 

I am thankful for all of the things I have learned in this last year. Even if the lessons were harsh, I am better off for having them. 

The Worst Company

You know how we were looking forward to watching Rudolf? Wellllllll the cable company decided to screw up and ruin the whole thing.  It was frustrating and annoying and not a good start to the holiday season. Ugggh.

Boosters and Traditions

Looks like they're approving booster shots for everyone. I'm thinking it might be better to get one sooner rather than later. We'll see. Hopefully, this won't cause MORE drama. 

Thanksgiving is this week. It'll just be the two of us, but that's fine. There is a great deal of comfort in our little rituals. I love that we have a small display of holiday cheer and often get candy after the holiday is over and the candy is cheaper. It makes me feel like even being on the fringe has its lovely points. We'll watch Rudolph tomorrow night and sing the songs and snark about it. It's one of those things I've done my whole life and it makes me happy to continue to share it with someone. 

All the Usuals

Today wasn't bad but the usual complaints are there. I am tired. I hurt. Neighbor dude burned things/caused a lot of smoke/screwed up my breathing. The weather isn't ideal. House is a mess. Things seem to be weighing us down. Things seem futile. 

On the other hand, I had a really great conversation about alchemy tonight. 

Lagging

I'm tired and I'm in pain. I still managed to do my small workout. However, as always, when will this get easier? When will there be benefits like...I dunno, LESS pain and MORE energy? Does that part just not work for me? 

Cold Cats

Tinkerbell hid in my room all day. I think the cold is getting to her. Every time we checked on her, she looked comfortable, if sour. 

Millie, on the other hand, wanted to cuddle with my roommate and/or run as fast as she could through the house. This seems to be what SHE plans to do to combat the cold weather. 

In all cases, everyone gets lots of blankets. Look, I tried to make some peace with Summer this year, but I've yet to experience anything in summer that feels as immediately good as being under blankets. 

Extra Steps

I'm going back to therapy. I think I mentioned that before in the blog? Anyway, it's a little annoying because I requested to be at one place because I know the building and know I can manage it physically. That....is not the one she called. Uggh. 

The one she called has a great FB page. I'll give them that. However, it's in a building I know I cannot navigate. So when I talk to Ol Girl, I'm going to have to muddy the waters from the start by explaining we can't meet in their building. Hopefully, that won't be A THING. Maybe we can do virtual or just hang out in the park or something. I don't want them in my house. 

Anyway, I'm seriously pissed about this because if she'd just used the one I wanted, I could just be focused on the therapy. She didn't and so now my focus on how I'm going to manage the physical obstacle now in my way. That gives me a very specific headache. 

Return to Form

In states currently ran by conservatives, we're starting to see something that always happens when they're in charge. They're looking at lists of books that they want to be removed. They want the range of information limited. 

This is, of course, from the party who whines about cancel culture. 

I've always found this complaint quite amusing when it comes from the Right. When I was growing up, conservatives were always the ones who wanted to ban books and music and anyone who stepped out of line. There were preachers who specialized in convincing kids to burn their albums or their comic books. They were always the ones who hated new ideas, or complicated ideas, or any ideas that didn't support their very narrow worldview. 

It's going to be interesting to see how they try and balance their fake outrage about cancel culture with their very strong need to cancel everything they don't approve of. Who am I kidding? They won't try to balance or justify it at all. They'll just push and push and see what they can make happen. 

Communicating

This may come as a shock to some (of my like five readers) but I can get very shy about speaking to people online. In fact, most of the time, I do not speak to people online. I don't want to encourage them. 

Except, well, I've decided sometimes I DO want to encourage people. You can only leave kudos ones on fanfics at the place where I read and sometimes I feel that isn't enough. So, in order to encourage people to keep writing, I've started engaging with the authors. I tell them what I like. I discuss what really made me feel things in the story. When someone shows an insight or a perspective I'd not considered, I just love that and I write about that in the comments. Comments on this site are pretty well monitored and rarely do you see anything negative. Most people are happy to be there. It's like knitting communities in that way. 

And okay this also feeds my ego a little too. I was the only person to figure out what was happening in a certain fic and the author was so happy I did. So...heh. YAY! 

Blankets Out

I want to start this by saying it still doesn't feel like November. Intellectually I know it is, but the rest of me seems to be rejecting the idea. Though admittedly, I'm not sure what month the rest of me thinks it is. Maybe still October or something?

I still managed to get the rest of my blankets out of storage. Okay, look, that sounds productive but 'storage' was just them being in a long pillowcase on my bed. They're out of THAT now. I was nice and warm last night. So yay.

Fresh Eyes

Even though I try to keep an open mind about adaptations of things, I know I can still get frustrated when things range so far away from the original material that it's basically not even the same story anymore. Sometimes I'm fine with that. I just accept the adaption as an alternative universe. Sometimes it's really difficult. 

This is one of the reasons why I'm looking forward to Wheel of Time. I've not read it and so I will approach the show in blissful ignorance. I plan on just taking it at face value. I'm not going to read the commentary. I'm not going to wiki the characters. I'm just going to let the story, whatever it happens to be, unfold around me. 

This is actually really refreshing to me. It's going to be so nice to have no expectations and no theories and, honestly, no clue as to what is going on. I'm not even going to let people make me feel bad about not already being a fan. They won't be able to because I'm going to look at no fandom content. None. I want this to all be fresh. 

I got the idea from an article I read a few months ago. The author hadn't read GRRM and knew little about the plotline or the books. They watched Game of Thrones with fresh eyes and really enjoyed it. This made me think about what a quagmire fandoms can be and how expectations can just ruin any possible pleasure you might find in a show. We've all let the details poison us. We've ruined our experiences by hyper-focusing on someone wearing the wrong wig or someone not looking like how WE want them to look.* We're making ourselves miserable over the trees when the forest is still beautiful.

So Wheel of Time will be a new forest for me. I'm walking into it with no clue as to what will happen. I have a feeling I'll probably be the better for it. 

*Understand I say this knowing all too well how frustrated I'm going to be if Annatar isn't pretty enough or in a pretty enough wig on the Tolkien show.

Long Week

This week seriously felt like three weeks. Monday alone felt like three weeks. I'm glad the car is fixed (as far as we know) but making that happen was exhausting. My appointment on Tuesday was exhausting. Trash day (which also involved some drama with me getting my medications) was exhausting.

In fact, today has felt like the first day all week where things were okay.  I even took a nice, long nap and I seriously needed that. I'm going to try and get to bed at a reasonable time tonight because I still need more sleep. Like I said, this week really wore me out.

Oh and we already have some drama appointment lined up for next week too. So...yay. Thanks, life.

Dark Wednesday

Between the time change and an overcast sky, it was dark most of the day. I didn't use my light box, but I probably should have. I'm not in a bad place though. My brain tried to go there a few times but I am actively working on not letting that happen. 

I could hear the snap in my voice and set to work trying to talk myself into realizing that everything was fine. Stupid goblin brain. In any case, I'm very good right now. I have a kitty's paw on my arm. What could be better than that?

The Happiest Day of my Life

This is not to discount all the other days I've lived. I've had some very blissful days spent with friends and loved ones. I've had some very wonderful days just reading commentary over books I love. Those days were amazing. I'm not trying to disparage them. Honestly, this is less about happiness and more about trauma. Or rather, it's about the removal of trauma.

The happiest day of my life happened when I was 40.

My roommate brought me home from the doctor's office. They'd removed all the staples from my upper arm. I was in my bed and I knew I didn't have to go back to Fort Smith or back to any doctors for two whole weeks. I'd never felt such happiness. 

The earlier months of being 40 were terrifying. I couldn't stop bleeding and then the ER where they did nothing and then weeks of trying to see my doctor and then a horrible gynecologist and then cancer diagnosis and then a complicated surgery where they removed a 13 lb lump from my arm (not related to the cancer) and staples running from my shoulder to almost the bend of my arm and pain and pain and pain and drainage tubes and exhaustion and the horror of trying to keep so many staples from getting infected and having to talk to so many strangers and answer so many questions and be evaluated by so many people and itching and pain and don't take the meds and still no way of knowing how the cancer thing would happen and--

And then I was in my bed, healed enough for the staples to be gone. No doctors for two weeks. No appointments for two weeks. I was healing. There was progress. I was still exhausted, but the chaos of my life had lifted just slightly, and that lifting left me happier than I had ever been. 

It was a beautiful moment. Admittedly I like all my other days of happiness more because I didn't have to stumble through Hell to get to them. 

Performances

I may or may not start doing videos again. It just depends on my nephew and his schedule. He wants to and I'm open to the idea, but he's really busy right now. We'll see.

The car received fuses and an oil change. Everything seems to be working again and hopefully, there will be no hidden surprises. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and hope there are no hidden surprises there either. We'll see. 

Still not sure about seeing my dad this week. That's still going to depend on how I feel around Thursday morning. I need to see him though. It's been a long damned while. 

Good Reading Weekend

A lot of my subscriptions were updated this weekend and I had wonderful things to read. I also found some new stuff that turned out to be amazing. 

I'm honestly in awe of the depth put into some of the fics right now. One of them is about everything happening just pre-War of Wrath and it's astounding. I've liked Gil in other people's work, but this author just really makes him LIVE. It's becoming one of my favorites. 

Not Tired

I slept so well last night. I took full advantage of that extra hour. It was blissful. I feel so much more human than I usually do....which is stupid because I could sleep more if I wanted to, I just don't. 

This week is going to be busy. My car goes into the shop on Monday and I see the doctor (virtually) on Tuesday. I was going to see my dad on Thursday but I'm not sure if I will now. It just depends on how things go with the car. We'll see.

 

The Downers

Pretty much all the time now, I encounter people who are the Debbie Downers. A lot of them don't even realize they are. 

There are people I know who are aware of my political leanings and yet, for some reason, they keep insisting on talking to me about stuff I don't agree with. I don't want to discuss those things. I don't want to argue with them. They won't listen to what I have to say and I think what they're saying is, at the very least, annoying. Why do they do this? We can talk about fun things. Why keep bringing your beliefs into it? Move beyond that.

Speaking of moving beyond, there are a couple of people in one of my fan groups who keep posting political things. Mostly, they're complaining about 'woke culture' and it seems like the only thing they can focus on. Everyone else is posting fun pictures or fun memes or discussing stuff ABOUT the fandom and these people are posting video after video about 'oh no the Woke people are going to ruin things.' Look, if that is a concern of yours, fine. But this isn't the focus of the group. The focus of the group is it being an escape from the world and a happy delve into the glory of the fandom. Stop bringing us down. Stop it.

Late Discoveries

As I've mentioned before, I always feel like you find things when you're supposed to. That's been happening to me a lot this year. 

An artist I've liked for years was in a band before he went solo. I looked up some of his old tracks with that band because I missed them. I noticed one I didn't realize they'd done because at the time they had a different singer. I listened to that song because it's been since the late 90s since I heard it. It still felt new and fresh and perfect. 

I was curious about the change up and did some research. The reasons the first lead singer left the band are really shitty, but I guess typical of the time. Anyway, when I was watching the vid over the band's history, I really loved every sniglet they played from this first album with the first singer. 

Tonight I listened to that whole first album and it really blew me away. I love it so much. It's perfection. I didn't find it when it was current, but I'm not going to feel weird about that. I have it now and I'm better for it.

A Good Tuesday

I did my stretches this morning and then went to the living room for light therapy. It was earlier than I usually do it, but it was so dark today I felt it was best to get an early start. I read for a while and then the day got started. 

I won't always have the time to use the light in the morning, but when I do, I think I'm going to try and make that happen. It seemed to have really helped. I was at peace, for the most part, the majority of the day. 

The year is winding down quickly. It's kind of strange. It seemed like the first part of the year lasted forever.....and summer always lasts forever.....but this season is just speeding by. 

Whatever the case, the TODAY part of the experience was nice.

Appointments

The car goes to the mechanic on Monday. I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday. This is all next week's stuff. It was a lot easier to get the car appointment than the medical one. 

SAD is already hitting both of us. I'm going to do my best to be gentle and try to cause as little chaos as possible. This is a difficult time of year. Best to just make things as easy as possible.

If nothing else, I have wonderful things to read. 

Plans for the Week

We were already going to have to do First of the Month stuff on Wednesday, but now I have other tasks to deal with this week as well. The radio in my car stopped working. The lights are working on the inside, but it won't come on or show my clock. I'm guessing it's a fuse issue, but who knows? I need the oil changed anyway so I'll try to get both things accomplished.

I still don't have the Disappointment Shelf out of the house, which means nothing was handled in that part of the room. I did some organizing in the utility room, but that was about it. 

Halloween was nice. I saw my best friend and her family. I painted her kid's face. We talked about horror movies and watched some stuff. We didn't stay as long as we would have liked, but going places is still difficult. I'm not sure when that will be normal again. 

The Fabulous Cat Bed

I live in a house that is 100+ years old. It needs a lot of work done. Honestly, it needs ALL the work done. One of the main issues with it is that our floors are really close. In most rooms, whatever top flooring is right directly on baseboards. The lot is slanted and some of those rooms are really close to the freezing ground. It would be beneficial if those rooms were south-facing, but of course, they're not. My roommate's bedroom is on that side of the house and during the winter, his floors are really cold.

To combat this, he's experimented with various combinations of rugs, blankets, and pillows to keep his feet warm when he's at his computer desk. Before you suggest houseshoes and socks, trust me; he already has those on. The cold seeps through socks and shoes.

A while back he bought this really thick funfur black rug, hoping the depth of it would keep his feet warm. It didn't work as well as he wanted it to. 

The rug IS useful though. Milliecat has adopted it as her glamour bed. The rug is now draped into a basket and Millie lounges and poses in there like it's her job. She looks fabulous and seems to believe she is. 

I'm glad she is finding joy in it. I think it's keeping her warm as well. Oh. And I would take a picture, but Millie is very UNphotogenic so it wouldn't do the reality justice.

Reversals

Things are somewhat better today. I have a doctor's appointment and interestingly enough, the right amount of pills to ride out until then. I'm glad that was handled because it was making me paranoid. Oh. When you're on hold with my doctor's office, they play binaural beats. It was a piece I recognized, actually.

Speaking of binaurals, I'm listening to one now to try and improve my mood. It's been eroding since sundown and I needed to do something about it. It's starting to stay pretty dark most of the day and I need to get aggressive about fighting my SAD.

Disappointment Shelf is still with us, but it should be finding its new home tomorrow. When it's gone, we can start culling that area of the room. Even if we toss away nothing, just getting everything dusted should make a big difference this winter. 

Mixed Bag Day

Right, so....the bad points of today.

I tried to make a doctor's appointment and for some reason, they just kept putting me off. I was supposed to get a call back that never happened. I don't like being tethered to my phone, waiting for a call.

Ol Boy who brought the cable box was a dick. The company that bought our cable company views the insane amount we pay for things to just be worth basic stations and nothing more. Actively looking for alternatives again. 

It was dark and rainy. It will stay dark and rainy tomorrow as well, meaning the piece of furniture I planned to have out of my house tomorrow will still be IN my house tomorrow. 

Good points:

I am officially finished with my Christmas shopping. Given that things might prove chaotic closer to December, I'm happy it's done.

I was able to do a minor organizing thing to the house today and it works well and looks how I wanted it to look.

Everything I read today was excellent. 

So yeah. Wednesday. No one fell down. Yay.

Letting Things Go

My dad wrecked his bike last week. He's almost 70 and made the decision to stop riding/owning a motorcycle. In one way, this was an easy decision for him. In a lot of other ways, it isn't.

Dad downplayed this wreck to me. When I talked to him on Friday, he said he had a little road rash and a cut across his nose. Today he added a battered right side, smashed up shoulder, two black eyes, and 'there was a lot of blood on the ground.' So yeah. Okay. He didn't die and he didn't have to have surgery, but this wreck messed him up. Given that it did, his age, his eyesight, the fact that his bike was totaled, and that things could have been a lot worse, he decided that he wouldn't replace his Harley. This is the end of his riding days. 

And yes, it's a practical decision. I'm happy he made it because when you've grown up around people who ride, you end up knowing a lot of stories about people who died when they crashed their bikes. I don't want to lose my dad that way.

At the same time, today he told me he's really depressed about this decision. And I get that. He's been riding since he was 14. It was his first real taste of freedom and it's always been a very therapeutic experience for him. My dad enjoyed working on his bike as much as he did riding it. He understood it. I will always firmly believe that when we know how to fix the things in our lives ourselves, we're happier people. He's losing that and he knows he's losing it because of age. That's a sucky place to be. 

When you buy a Harley, it's tradition to give you a small bell to hang on it for good luck. Dad's ride bell got smashed in the accident, but he picked it up and took it with them anyway. I told him he should turn it into a necklace so he always has part of the bike with him. I hope he does that. It might help.

Ambitions

I have all these plans for the house. I have like very little energy to complete them. We started on the back area of the living room but between the dust levels, our lack of spoons, and the flu shot, it's stalled. I managed to gather up A box of stuff to sort through.

Understand, we didn't sort through it. It was just gathered. I know that's SOMETHING and it's a step forward, but while I was over there, it just hit me how many steps there are before this happens. It's overwhelming and exhausting. 

Maybe my perspective on it will be better tomorrow.

Friday Ache

I got my flu shot today and while the experience itself was painless, the afterward is not. I'm pretty achy and feel just generally weird. Normally this doesn't last for long, but it's always kinda upsetting.

I managed to still do a small bit of a workout, though only about half of what I normally do. It was something, anyway. And it was not fun. Sleep should help me. At least I hope it does. 

I'm guessing it's going to be a meek weekend. 

A Good Thursday

I have a new exercise band and it's thicker and more difficult than the old one. Okay, the old one was pretty worn out and sad. The new one is strong and kinda evil so far. It hurts my feet. I'm sure we'll make friends after a while.

I read some really good stuff today. One of the many neat things about fanfic is that you can explore not only ideas about the subject matter but also how you do it. One author talked about how they don't really have the mindset to finish longer works, but they love coming up with scenarios for other people to explore. The work I read of theirs contained about 8 different 'what if' type situations and I thought a lot of them were amazing. One of them involved Feanor having seven daughters instead of sons. One involved Miriel's father and grandfather still being alive in Beleriand. She'd had more family at one time, but they've all died at this point. It's from Fingolfin's perspective and when he finds Maglor on the throne, he has these two silver-haired scary men standing by him. I really love this idea. Actually, it's a concept that JRRT toyed with, but never took anywhere. 

Overall, it was a good day for both my brain and my body. 

Disappointment

The storage unit from Wayfair that my cousin bought me last year has finally been unboxed. I'm glad I didn't film this unboxing because I'm rather disappointed with what Wayfair sent. It isn't as well-made or tall as it was presented as being. Not at all. 

It's still workable but I certainly won't purchase anything from there myself. I'm glad this was a gift.

Bad Tropes

This weekend we tried to watch two shows made off of already established movie franchises. We are disinclined to watch either of them again. 

These days, we have a lot of remakes and rehashing of things. There are various reasons for this, but I don't think those reasons matter as much as what is done with them. In both of these cases, all of the characters were well-established tropes who showed little to no potential for interesting growth. While I am certain some level of 'character growth' will be written into both shows, I somehow doubt said growth will follow any kind of path save for the most obvious and typical ones. 

People who start out as enemies learn to work together. Person who is overly ambitious learns to be unselfish. Person who has a lot of reasons to seek justice and revenge finds value in peaceful solutions. 

Look. Just.

Okay. The ONE ADVANTAGE you really have when you're just revamping an already well-known story is that you don't have to work out the story part of the show. People know that bit. They know the general idea. They GET IT. 

With that in mind, the one place where showrunners and writers really CAN improve on the old thing is by making really good characters and putting them through the story. Interesting characters. Dynamic characters. FUN characters. Not just the same group of tired-ass characters that I want to be killed by their third line of dialogue. 

Stop that.

First Cold Night

I wasn't prepared for last night. It was a lot colder than I expected it would be. I left a fan on, mostly for the noise. I soon regretted that. At least I had my summer blanket.

I spent part of the day fixing that problem. My white noise machine is back on the table and the fans are unplugged. I also put away some clothes and we sorted through a few shelves of random stuff. 

My roommate has one of his couch blankets out now and Millie was so excited about it. She came to live with us during the winter and I think she sees the crocheted throws as love and comfort.

Fall Moments

Tink has deigned to return to my shoulder. She can get cantankerous while she's up here, but so far, she's content tonight. So far we've gotten 7 inches of rain and the weather is certainly chilling down. Am I happy about that? Yes.

I had a perfect moment the other day. I woke up from a nap. It was dark outside and raining. My bed was comfortable and I pulled a blanket on me to keep me warm. I just felt blissful. Moments like that are why I love Fall. There is just so much comfort potential.

Not Hurting Enough

Lindsey Graham gave an interview where he talked about people from Brazil coming here with designer bags and clothes. He seemed outraged that someone would show up to seek asylum who wasn't in rags. 

Two things.

First of all, most of the time, the GOP talking heads complain about people coming into the US with nothing and being a drain on our society. They're not a drain, of course, as they take the jobs people in this country don't want. One would think Lindsey would be happy someone was showing up with some funds, or at least the look of it.

Second of all, I'm really sick of this narrative that there has to be a deep and unabiding level of suffering and pain before someone should be helped. It's cruel and quite frankly causes more harm than it helps. People shouldn't have to lose EVERYTHING before someone can help them. People shouldn't have to have a complete mental breakdown before their condition is taken seriously. People shouldn't have to faint from hunger before someone feeds them. 

We shouldn't wait until after there is damage before we help. It's the difference between airing up your tire when you notice it's a little low and driving on it for ten miles before you decide to change it.

Holiday Plans

Last year my nephew and I started a contest to see which of us could buy the weirdest Christmas gift for the other. I gave him a neck pillow that looks just like a giant shrimp. He gave me a coffee cup with a hand in it. The hand was flipping me off. 

And yet, we both agreed my step-mom won, even though she didn't know about the contest. She got my nephew a screaming goat (plastic one, not a real one) and it was amazing.  Despite our best efforts at weird, we just couldn't beat that. 

This year, however, I shall win. As I behold the delightfully strange thing I have gotten my nephew, I know, deep in my bones, victory is mine.  Bwahahah. 

I'm keeping this is secret for now, but I'll certainly post a picture when he receives the gift. 

Tiresome Tuesday

I had a pretty good day until about seven. Then we realized the cable is gone. The cable is gone because they CLAIM they sent a thing saying everyone needed new cable boxes. We never got this message. I doubt anyone did. I do not trust this.

I am so sick of our cable company. They charge us an insane amount for basically nothing. I hate it.

Feels Like Fall

Well. Ish. I still have a fan on, but only one! And I'm not miserable. So today, yeah, today actually felt like Fall. Mostly. 

Saw some yokel's video about how he's completely cool if America collapses because he can take care of himself. How nice for him. I mean, never mind all the other people who will die and have horrible things happen to them. He has some guns and a, I guess a bucket he can relieve himself in or something? I kinda doubt he'd survive any better than the rest of us. A weekend of duck hunting isn't the same as surviving the collapse of your society. 

Would I survive the collapse of society? Nope! I hope I die in whatever chaotic event happens that causes the collapse. I don't want to pee in a bucket.

Steamy Saturday

It was steamy, and not in a good way. It was in the 90s again today and it was awful. I managed to clean my bedroom floor and that was it. 

It was so bad we had to turn on the AC. The AC, in OCTOBER! This really doesn't feel like an October. It feels like a holdover from September and I do not like it. Not at all.

Friday Fall Betrayal

It was in the 90's today. It's supposed to be 95 degrees tomorrow. This is Fall and that is insane. It should be illegal. I should be getting out mah hoodies by now. I should be deciding which of mah hats I'm going to wear as the weather cools down. But no. Fall is betraying us.

You need to get with the program, Ms Fall.

Thursday Blues

It was foggy this morning and I was up early. I never really got my groove back after that. I've been down and twitchy for a few hours now. I'm hoping that sleep improves my mood. 

It's been a year since my Aunt died. My cousins are handling it as best they can. It isn't easy. The youngest is trying to find solace and blessing in the grieving process. The lawyer is managing her business and the oldest girl is trying to encourage mothers to make sure they're in pictures with their kids. Kids need pictures of them. The second born is keeping himself busy as possible and trying to just move forward. The oldest one lost his only daughter this year as well and he's doing his best to just stay sane. 

The grief and pain and chaos continue for most of the world. 

I had an old college roommate comment that I'd not been on FB that often. I mean, I really haven't. It's hard to be chipper when everything is as it is. Retreating and just working on myself has been the better path to sanity, even if I do have days like today. 

At least, on days like today, I know somewhat how to console myself. 

Wednesday Surprises

Trash Day is usually pretty chill and routine for us, but today things went sideways. My roommate's van had not one but TWO messed-up tires. I drove him to the fix-it place and then we waited around for a few hours for things to get handled.

In the midst of this, we paid bills and ran some other errands. For one, the mechanic didn't take forever. Almost no one was there when we dropped off the van. Usually, that place is seriously busy. 

Anyway, the day ended up being far more expensive than anticipated, but it's handled. CSI: Vegas returned tonight for the first time in years. I'm kind of wondering if that's a trend, just a bunch of shows canceled years ago being renewed for nostalgia reasons. 

Quiet Tuesday

I folded the towels today and did little else. Okay, that's not true. I listened to some stuff I needed to listen to and read an article about a project I may be working on in the nearish future. The cat came to visit me for a while, but she didn't stay long.

I'm discussing a book with my nephew. It isn't my favorite book in the world, but as people patiently listen to me and discuss my fandoms with me, I will do so with him. It's rewarding to listen to someone as they talk about what they love.

I'm trying to watch a movie and my brain just isn't letting me. I'll see how far I can get tonight. 

Strange Monday

There was a lot of weirdness today. Facebook was down for a considerable amount of hours, as were its associated apps. This also affected a lot of people's smart TVs and appliances as they go through their FB accounts to access them. I couldn't save on some of my games for the same reason.

In the same way that it disturbs me that we have to fund the government for three months at a time sometimes and have debt so massive it could crash the world, it disturbs me that we've allowed Facebook to worm its way into so many aspects of our lives. It also disturbs me that, like money and the government, it's doubtful anything will be done about it.

I folded clothes today and will probably do towels tomorrow. We've been discussing rearrangement of part of the living room and I may start on a bit of the organizing tomorrow unless that proves to be too annoying for everyone involved. We'll see. The whole thing is in no hurry.

Cracks

A lot of teachers are probably not going back to teaching past this year. A lot of nurses and other medical professionals are walking away from medicine. This is bad. These are some major cracks in the foundation of our society.

People aren't returning to minimum wage jobs. People aren't returning to thankless jobs. People aren't returning to essential worker jobs. This is also bad. 

However.....

While this sucks for everyone else, I think it's fair that people are leaving all of this. For years, people who work in these fields have been overworked, attacked, underpaid, criticized, neglected, and, in some cases, abused. No one should have to work that way. It's insane. 

Things need to change. We need to reframe how we view workers. We need to treat everyone with respect because all jobs are important. The chef making your meal may be brilliant and gifted, but that loses meaning if the table you're served on is dirty, buggy, and covered in someone else's dishes. The person who cleans that table is important too and should be treated as such. 

Does this mean things may get difficult and challenging for a while? Yes. But people deserve dignity and decent payment for the hours of their lives sacrificed to labor. 

Sabotage

Back at the first of September, I set a goal for myself. It was, to the reckoning of most people, a very small goal. Tiny. Teensy. For me, however, it was a starting point to regain something I've mostly lost. To regain this, I knew I needed to start in an itsy-bitsy way. Mostly though, I needed to start. I did preparation for this goal every day of September.

I spent most of today trying to talk myself out of it.

Whenever I would try to go start this new thing, my brain would go on hyper and bombard me with reasons as to why I shouldn't do it NOW. Reason after reason after reason. I spent the majority of the day warring with myself. I didn't accomplish my goal until almost 11 pm. I DID accomplish it, but it was one hell of a mental struggle.

Whatever is wrong with me, whatever is truly wrong with my life is whatever is causing that level of mental sabotage. I shouldn't have to fight myself this hard over something that was so minor most people wouldn't even pay attention to doing it. 

First Withouts

Earlier this year, one of my second cousins committed suicide. Today would have been her birthday. 

One of her aunts made a birthday cake for her and shared it with her (own) sons. She told them about their cousin and what it was like when she was born. This girl was the oldest grandchild, the one who redefined things for the family. Now she's gone. 

My cousins lost their mother last year. We're inching near the anniversary of her death. This is going to be a complicated October for them. 

We have all lost so many people in the last two years. So many people are going to be through days that are 'first withouts.'

Controlled Fires

They're doing some cutting and burning around the river. It's probably needed, but the smoke has been horrible all day. Everyone in my house hated it. Tink hid under my bed.

It's better now, but it still messed with us. The smoke ruined what was an otherwise great weather day. Things should start cooling down and I'm glad for it. I have plans. 

Little Things

The plumber was supposed to call before he arrived. I was counting on this and had my phone next to me for hours so that I could receive this call and make the necessary steps to prepare for his visit.....like, you know, peeing. 

Instead, he just showed up unannounced. My roommate let him in, which was good because I was in my bedroom in my underwear. No one got to pee beforehand. At least he didn't take too long.

Oh but THEN the lights wanted to flicker and act up. Bastard house.

For Dear Life

The heat is back and holding for dear life. It's supposed to be gone later in the week, but for now, it's super annoying.

We had to call the plumber because our toilet is hissing at us all the time now. I hope this isn't anything major. I really don't need the stress of that. I mean, who does, yeah?

I wanted to review my summer. I should have done this a few days ago, but here we are. 

So.....okay, it was a good summer. I mean, it was hot and annoying at times, but overall, it was good. I learned a lot of stuff I didn't know before. I made some fundamental changes in my life. I ended summer happier than I was when it began. I ended summer with more focus and clarity than I had when it began.

I have things in my life and ideas in my head that I did not have four months ago. That's good. That's neat. Progress is a hell of a drug. 

Weekend Review

I should have written this last night but I was busy with some stuff and forgot. My weekend was really good. 

The addition to the weekend was the first two episodes of Foundation. The set pieces are stunning. The acting is good. Foundation is a difficult work to tackle and I think they're making the adjustments they need to. 

My only concern is that I know the thing I'm enjoying about it the most is Lee Pace's batshit take on Emperor Cleon. I mean, he's amazing. But the way the narrative moves, I know he won't be here for the whole of the series. Hopefully I'll still like it as much without him.

254 Days

There is a large span on how long it takes something to become a habit. The range is anywhere from 18-254 days. The average is 66 days. 

I know that I have made changes in my life that lasted over 18 days. I abandoned them. I'm pretty sure I've made changes that lasted over 66 days and I abandoned those as well. I'm guessing that I will be one of the people who have to stick it out for well over 200 days before it stays with me. Sigh. 

Well. Okay, I guess that's the goal then. I've been changing some small things (that have pretty nice results). I want to keep them in my life, but I also KNOW my life and know how things like this get tossed aside. I don't want to do that. The problem is, I don't want to do that right NOW. I guess we'll see, yeah?

My Dark Humor

I've been keeping most of my dark humor to myself. For the most part, only those closest to me get to hear the stuff. It's how I cope, but I also know it isn't how everyone copes. I'm not going to be offended, I'll never be offended if someone doesn't find me funny. I mean, okay, I probably did when I was younger, but not now. I'm more secure than that.

It's been out in full force of late. I actually see this as a good thing. For a long while, I was sunk so deeply in the deep water that I couldn't even find humor in it. Now that's starting to come back and I'm starting to feel more like myself.

Progress.

Welcome Fall

Again I accomplished the goals I wanted. Again, I'm really super tired. I mean, I guess it's better than being tired and NOT accomplishing anything, but still. 

Today is the first day of Fall. It isn't exactly consistently cool yet, but we're getting there. I survived another Summer. My roommate and the cats survived another summer.

I socially distancely saw a friend on Tuesday and will see one tomorrow as well. That's a lot of socializing for me, but it's also a good thing.

Low Energy

Did I meet my goals today? Yes. I did what I set for my health. I visited a friend. I folded some clothes. Did I have any energy left after all of that? No. No I did not.

Maybe it's because it was cooler today. It was pleasant and breezy and just the perfect weather. My body wanted to sleep so hard. It just wanted to cuddle into a blanket and nap for hours. This didn't happen. 

Tomorrow, we may nap. It's supposed to be cooler again. 

Fear of Derailment

I am making slow but sure progress. I am stronger than I was at the beginning of summer. I am more focused than I was at the beginning of summer. I have some clarity about my day-to-day plans and activities. 

And I wish I could just be positive about this, but I'm not. I've been here before. I've dug myself out of this hole at far higher levels than the one I've fallen to this time. And every time, I have stopped digging and just let myself sink and sink and sink. I am terrified I will do it again.

Last night I had a nightmare about it. I dreamed I broke my leg and ruined everything. Every time I walk, I get scared I'll trip and fall and break something or bruise something or do SOMETHING to screw this up.

I don't think this is unreasonable fear as I've done this my whole life. 

I mean, what kind of person has broken both their top two vertebrae (and it not been treated) and also their coccyx? It's like my spine was doomed. 

Anyway, let's hope for no derailment. OR at least if there is a derailment, I can pull myself back on the track, yeah? Please?

Quiet Sunday

Tomorrow it is supposed to be in the 90s but then we get a couple of days of weather like 20 degrees below that! I'm so excited! It probably won't actually happen but I choose to be excited anyway. 

The daughter of my grandfather's widow has finally moved out of his house. Everything was stripped out of it. No idea if anything can be recovered, but at least they're gone and hopefully out of our lives for good.

Nourishment

Today I saw quite a few articles and videos and comments by people that I ignored. I'm not trying to brag here so much as explain why. I've probably talked about this before but I think it needs repeating.

Our diet is not just what we eat. It involves all the things we bring into our being. It includes what news we allow, what people we allow, what comments we choose to read.  Like food, all of this fills us. Like food, all of this has an effect on us. If we listen to stories that make us unhappy or angry, if we read the posts of people we know will outrage us, if we talk to those who constantly drain us, we are doing a disservice to ourselves.

I'm not saying ignore the world. I'm not saying to never face anything that is difficult. I'm saying that if you dwell in negativity, you will have nothing but negativity. Life is going to throw enough of that at you anyway. Don't go looking for it.

More Pictures from the Past

My aunt posted a picture of my father's father's mother's mother last night. I'd never seen a picture of her before and that was pretty neat. I liked that I didn't have to have mixed feelings about this one.

I don't know a lot about her. I know she was twice widowed. I know she came here from Italy and worked as a washwoman in the small town in Arkansas where she settled. I know she didn't speak English, but she understood it. My grandfather would speak to her in English and she would answer in Italian. I know he adored her and I know that because of the look in his eyes when he talked about her.

In the picture, her shirt has a wild pattern and that made me really happy.

Brain Experiments

I've been watching a DMT simulation for the last couple of days. I can never really handle it for more than 15 minutes because the motion starts to get to me. That might change. I hope it does, honestly. I find the simulation interesting.

The creator said they were trying to get as close to the actual experience as they could. The audio is a lot of random noises and non-sequesters. There is an industrial element to it, but only somewhat. One of the things I find fascinating about DMT sims is how things are never QUITE fully there. I assume that is to add to the effect, this sense of your mind never really wrapping itself around what is happening.

The visuals on this video work in that way as well. You never see them for too long......just long enough for it to make an impression. Some of them are beautiful. Some of them are really terrifying in their alieness. Some of them feel like they're on the edge of being comprehensible and your brain starts trying to make sense of them. Some feel like things you think you MIGHT have seen before. All of that just comes in this rush and you never really stay on one emotion or response long enough for it to become a full picture. 

All of this appeals to me. 

Dream Friend

Content Warning: Discussion of suicide.

I have a friend from high school who killed himself about ten or so years ago. It was a shock. I think about his death quite often and I wonder what led up to it. As someone who lives with suicidal ideation and has a pretty nasty battle with it from time to time, I get it. I know how this happens. It's just difficult to come to terms with.

I dream about him sometimes. The dreams are always emotional. It's always him finding better things in life. Last night I dreamed he was playing guitar. The whole room cheered for him. I remember hugging him and telling him I was proud of him. It seems cheesy now that I'm awake, but it was really important in the dream.

Quiet Weekend

It was a pretty good weekend. We watched a movie and enjoyed the cooler weather. It's still getting hot enough to turn on the AC in the latter part of the day, but during the morning it's really nice.

Tinkerbell has decided she wants to sit on the ottoman in front of me. I love this! It means she's not in front of my computer screen. She's mostly content to just rest against my feet.

Some lizards have figured out that they can tease Millie but that she can't get to them as long as they stay on their side of the screen. I'm thinking her little brain may explode if she gets too much lizard attention. 

As far as the end of the summer weekends go, this one was pretty great.

RIP Marion

My step-grandmother has died. She didn't like me and I didn't like her. She caused all kinds of trouble for the family and did her best to keep us away from my grandfather. She was ambitious to see her children get everything of his. For the last 20something years, she's mostly just been a thorn in everyone's side.

Despite that, I feel bad that she died. I hope she had people around her who loved her when she passed. I hope she had friendly words and kind looks given to her. I hope she finds peace.

Generational Trauma

My uncle posted a picture of his grandparents. I downloaded it and I'll keep it around, but it's strange to me. My great-grandmother was abusive to my mother. She is one of the main reasons my mother was as messed up as she was. 

My mother's pain warped my childhood and warped my brother's. I try to fight against this and I am sure he does as well, but every day, something hits me that pulls me back to that hell. And I can see, in my brother's children, how these patterns affect them as well. 

So here is this picture of this woman, a woman I met as a baby but do not remember meeting, and the things she did are affecting the people around me. Even now. Years and years later. 

Our actions have ripples. We all know that. I think sometimes we don't realize how far-reaching those ripples can be. It's something we should think about more often.

Both Hells

Ahh, September. I knew you'd be a bitch. September in Oklahoma has decided of late that it will join two hells together to create a special kind of misery. I speak of course, of heat and allergies. 

It's cooler at night, which is a blessing, but during the day it's still miserable. We're still dealing with temps in the 90s. This weekend it will be the high 90s again. This means all the bugs and other nasties will stay around as well. 

But at the same time, we get the Autumn Evil that is ragweed. It's so bad already my roommate is dealing with nosebleeds. I have a sinus fever and can't stop sneezing. This sucks. 

The Worst News

Someone I love has Covid. 

He couldn't get the shot because his family is conservative and refuse to vax for whatever reasons those people have. Most of the intelligent conservatives I know still got vaccinated. But not this kid's parents.

I'm frustrated and angry. I'm scared. He tells me he's going to be fine, all the while making very little sense as we talked. He tells me doesn't feel anything one minute but then admits it's been horrible the next. I'm not sure if he's downplaying it because he's scared or if he's downplaying it because he's embarrassed. 

I can't believe I live in a world where people refuse to get lifesaving medication for their children. I can't believe I live in a world where political and propaganda leaders have convinced their own followers to die if it means the opposition looks bad. 

I'm scared.

Cooler Night

Even if it's staying hot during the day, it is, at least, getting cooler at night. I was able to sleep last night and wake up feeling decent. Yay.

The cat is insisting I hold her as I type, so I'm cutting this short.  

Basically Just Complaining

I'm really frustrated right now. I'm trying not to be, but I am. I'm not frustrated with people, just with circumstances.

It's cooler than it has been in a while, but not cool enough for my body to really truly enjoy it. I'm still sweaty and damp. It's also going to get warmer today, but probably not warm enough to justify turning on the AC. So.....just warm enough for suffering.

I'm also frustrated because I've been actively working on my mental health and yet the fight is as exhausting and rough today as it's ever been. Despite consistently taking my meds, despite evaluations of my thinking patterns, despite what I know is progress......well, I'm still in a low, low place right now. It aches. I hate that my mental chemistry does this and that despite my best efforts I can't stop it. I can battle it, but the battle is tiring. It's like I'm just holding the fort with dwindling resources and hoping the attacking brain weasels get distracted.

I know I'll get past this, but right now it's just A LOT. 

Brain Weasels

My brain is trying to get me to lapse into anxiety and depression again. It's frustrating because I am doing A LOT of stuff to keep this from happening. I am actively working to make this not happen. 

Part of it is this constant heat. It's keeping me damp and uncomfortable. I'm having trouble sleeping at night. Part of it is the generally bad random number generation that has been causing things to fall and tumble all around me. Part of it is this series of restrictive laws everyone seems to want to pass. Oh and also, the toilet is trying to make weird noises on us.

I just have to keep telling myself what I CAN control about all of this and what I have to just let slide. I'm doing what I can. Beyond that, it's out of my hands. I can use up my spoons for things I can't control

Compassion

In my anger last night, I neglected to talk about what I see as truly the most heinous part of the Texas abortion law. It criminalizes compassion. 

Because it is now illegal to help a woman in any way when she has an abortion, she can't have someone go with her. She can't have someone drive her to the clinic. She can't have someone sit with her while she waits or talk to her before it happens. She can't have anyone drive her home.

After a medical procedure, she can't have anyone drive her home.

The people who pushed all this claim to be Christian. The Bible says nothing directly about abortion. People will argue with me at this point that they view it as murder and the Bible says a lot about murder. 

Well. Okay. Fine. 

However....

Baptists (at least they used to) believe that no sin was greater than any other sin. When I was a kid, I was taught that our greatest witness to others was showing compassion to everyone, all sinners, our enemies, those who had wronged us. Everyone. 

I think criminalizing compassion does a lot more harm than good.

Wow

Congrats, Texas!

I hope you enjoy your new era of witch hunts and increased poverty. 

The new law in Texas allows anyone ANYONE to sue people if they think that person gave assistance to (or even considered giving assistance to) people seeking an abortion after six weeks. The person accused basically has to prove their innocence. If they win, they get nothing. If they're convicted, the person accusing them gets ten thousand dollars.

Every busybody, every opportunist, every emotional terrorist in Texas now has a weapon to wield against anyone, all in the name of 'save the fetus' and being an asshole.

Meanwhile, abortions will continue. People who need them and have some money will just leave the state. People who don't have money will have to go to black market providers and deal with unsafe conditions. People who need their pregnancies terminated to save their lives will probably just die. Unwanted children will be born to live the shitty life one leads when one is unwanted. 

Most impressive, Texas. Most impressive. 

Speaking Too Soon

My cool morning yesterday was just a tease. It was hotter than hell today and no one was happy. It was the kind of hot where even when the AC was on it was still hot. I doubt I'll sleep well tonight.

I really need for summer to be over, guys.

Cool Morning

Even though it was hotter today than anticipated,  the morning hours were nice and cool. This is a welcome change from the thick insistent humidity we've had for weeks now. It was nice to just bask in the comfort of a cooler morning. 

I hope this is a trend. It would be nice for September to actually start cooling down like it used to. The last several years, September has basically been the fourth month of summerhell. I'd like to see it go back to its roots.

Clarity

In the process of trying to change my mental picture about how I approach food, I'm trying affirmations. I've never done them before and quite frankly as it's clear my fitness failures stem from mental blocks, this seems like a good place (one of the many I'm exploring) to try and change things.

One of the affirmations is as follows:

I have clarity about my fitness goals.

This one really stood out to me. I think I've had VAGUE and abstract and handwavey ideas about my fitness goals before, but never actual clarity. Like, right now, I can tell you at least three goals concerning my fitness that I try to achieve every day. They're small things, but they do exist and on most days I make them happen. 

When I started this, I looked for something I actually COULD do successfully. I settled on college. I made that happen. I remember college worked because it was a series of clear and achievable goals. There was the large goal of 'Get the Degree,' but then smaller goals like 'complete  the semester' or 'work on that paper.' 

Right now, my goals involve movement, better eating, and a daily evaluation of my thoughts about this process. In a few months, I think there will be more things happening in terms of the mental part of this, but right now, my focus is on accomplishing these three things. 

The Thing Holding You

Last night I talked about how you shouldn't be lead by anger, fear, and sadness. I want to clarify a couple of points. 

First of all, sometimes you WILL be lead by these emotions. There will be times when they will be all you CAN feel because the situation warrants it. Sometimes things happen and your grief or anger or fear will become a part of you that never really goes away. I am aware of this. I have parts of me that are marked by these things. 

However, if you can (and I realize sometimes this is a complex process), you should try other things as well. You deserve MORE in life than just being angry or hurt or scared. You deserve happiness too. You deserve contentment. You deserve joy.

And again, I'm not saying you should force those positive elements. The thing is though, often when we are lead by anger or fear or sadness, we don't really let other emotions filter into our awareness. Even in situations where we could feel happiness, we don't. Sometimes even when we should feel anger or sadness, we don't. 

And sometimes there are chemical imbalances that cause this. It's certainly something you should explore. It's something I explored and I'm glad I did. I learned a lot about how to manage myself. I get to feel happy now and I'm grateful for that.

Brain Battles

Despite my best efforts, I've been trying to fight back paranoia the last several days. I can feel it lurking at the edges of my mind. It's annoying, especially considering I've been actively fighting the negative places my brain often wants to go. 

I think I've learned enough to understand happiness isn't always an option. I'll also never say that anger, sadness, and fear don't have a vital place in our minds. They are needed for a variety of reasons. 

The problem is, far too many people let those three emotions guide them. They let grief or rejection overwhelm them. They stay in such a fearful state that they either hide away or try to bluff others into believing they're tough (rarely works). Some people start getting angry about things before the thing even happens. They rant about how many things can go wrong and then when the thing does happen, it never lives up to whatever expectations they decided to have, meaning they don't really have an experience, they just have a reaction. This isn't the way to live a full life.

Mind you, fake perkiness isn't the way either. Before I understood what toxic positivity was, I was guilty of trying to push it. I don't anymore. No one should feel positive when they flat out don't feel positive. 

However, in my current case, there is no reason to be fearful or sad or angry. I can be content. My brain is just trying to work against me. I won't let it.

Silky Silky Silky

I'm not happy with All Stars.  Silky won so many of those battles. For her to lose at the end was just wrong. But, it is what it is. I'm proud of her. She bested a lot of people and it was glorious. She impressed me in a way that she didn't on her regular season. 

I hope people give her the props she deserves.

On Consideration

So I've been thinking about the question I posed last night. DO I think I deserve to be healthy. 

For most of my life, for most of the time, I'm quite certain the answer is no. No. I do not think I deserve to be healthy. 

Here are two of the reasons why. One leads into the other. 

The first reason had to do with the perspective I most often approach weight loss with. Most often when I would start trying to do the things needed to lose weight, it was always about anything OTHER than me. Fear. Getting people off my back. Shame. Maybe sometimes spite. Approval. It was rarely about 'hey I have a body and it deserves optimum function' or anything practical like that. So even from the start, my reasons weren't rooted in anything practical or sustainable. Rooting a big process of changing your life can NOT be based on emotions. Emotions change. 

Second of all, and this one stems from the first one, I believe I don't deserve this because I have, for almost 50 years now, FAILED to make it happen. Because I continue to not only fail but also to make the situation worse, I don't deserve for it to get better. And why would I think I did deserve that, as it is impossible for me to MAKE it happen? So, again, basically, shame. 

Okay so......more often than not, I felt ashamed about my weight and tried to lose weight but failed to continue to lose weight because sustaining my want to do so in shame didn't work because eventually, I would get over the sense of shame and just stop what I was doing. Uggghh. This is just a bad way to live one's life. It needs to stop. 
 

The Lifelong Question

I'm still fat. Why? I know the steps I need to take to NOT be fat. Why don't I take them? One of the things that they always talk about in affirmation lists is how you need to believe you DESERVE to be in good health.

Do I believe I don't deserve it? Is it that simple? Not that this concept is simple. It's a rather disturbing idea if true. Is it true though? 

I need to explore this.

August Winding Down

This was the first month since Biden was elected that felt like it stretched out forever. I'm sure this has to do with the devastating news happening here at home and around the world. 

I think extremism, in all of its forms, is the most potent and dangerous addiction in the world. Once people are radicalized, it seems there is little to be done to change their hearts and minds. They feed off of the extremism and will do anything for it, even when it's very obviously wrong. Even when it will cost them their lives. 

On a lighter note, my grapes came in. I love them.

Good Reading Weekend

I read a lot of really good stuff this weekend. Quite a few people posted new installments of their ongoing work and all of the installments were great. I also read a few shorter works that I really enjoyed. Banner weekend for my fiction. 

And when you have good things to read, how can your weekend be bad? I'm even willing to forgive that boring ass Mortal Kombat movie. 

The Neighbors Again

It's past ten and the neighbor is using power tools. Again, this seems to be A THING with the people who live in that house. For some reason, fire and noise are a constant for them.

It's super annoying. I'm glad I have headphones.

The Step Before

They say you need to love yourself and I don't disagree. I think loving yourself helps you a lot in the path of life. Do I love myself. 

Sometimes. 

Love is complicated, you know? 

I think there is a step before loving yourself and that step is where I'm trying to be right now. I think before you can love yourself, you need to know who you are. I think loving yourself requires you being honest with yourself. It requires you to see the truth of the person you are and finding the patience to accept that person, nourish that person, and enjoy that person. 

I think a lot of the time people, me included, think that 'loving yourself' means just one time saying you do. But it's more than that. Loving yourself is a process. It requires analysis and realistic consideration balanced by gentleness and forbearance. 

Sometimes loving yourself means admitting you just won't be able to accomplish something and accepting that. Sometimes loving yourself means you CAN accomplish something but it's going to take the rest of your life to make that happen. 

Sometimes loving yourself is just getting enough sleep.

Sun Kissed

Sometimes I deny myself something for so long I forget I'm doing it. Sometimes I deny myself something for so long I forget to even analyze why I'm doing it. This is the sort of thing that needs to change in my life. 

For years and years, I have not left the house without covering my shoulders and upper arms. I could say it is because I worried about sun damage but that isn't really true. 

I did it because I was ashamed of my own choices. I wasn't strong enough to just own who and what I am. I'm a fat woman with fat arms and fat shoulders. Also I guess I for some reason thought no one would notice when I had sleeves on?

Something?

Anyway, so yesterday, it was hot as hell. I went out with just a tank on. My shoulders, for the first time in years, got to be exposed to the sun. And they vibrated. My shoulders and my upper arms felt like they were singing because of the warmth and attention. It felt amazing. I felt beautiful. I loved it.

That isn't to say I'll go sleeveless every day of summer now, but when I feel like it, I certainly won't deny myself.

There is always this push toward self-care and loving yourself. I think a lot of this is market-driven and it gets very overwhelming. Sometimes the best way to show yourself love isn't to DO something so much as to stop denying yourself something. Sometimes you just need ten minutes of the sun kissing your skin.

Neighbor's Obsession

For some reason, I always have this neighbor who wants to burn toxic-smelling stuff at night. It's not always the same neighbor. I think it's been a series of Neighbor Woman's Husband, then Boyfriend, then maybe Other Husband, now Son. But always, always, they feel the need to burn stuff. It smells horrible. 

To be honest, I'm not even sure if it's him tonight. I don't see the fire. However, someone around here is burning something because I smell smoke and awfulness. 

I don't think it's the house. 

I guess time will tell.

The Grapes

My dad used to be an antique dealer. When he and my mother divorced, I was five and didn't handle it very well. To console me, he gave me a small set of jade grapes. I loved them deeply. In fact, they became the physical symbol of my love for my father. 

The jade grapes were AN ISSUE with my mother and grandmother. My mother viewed them as some kind of betrayal of her and insisted they be kept on the mantle. She said they needed to be out of my reach because I would just break them like I did everything else. While the point was valid (I was a small child and small children break things), I knew she mostly hated them because I connected them with my dad. I would pull a chair from the dining room into the living room and stand on it so I could touch them. 

My grandmother hated them because she felt like I was devoting some level of blasphemous attention to them. One day she caught me talking to them, saying "I love you" and stuff like that. She didn't realize I was talking to my dad. The grapes just represented him. I tried to explain this and somehow that made it worse.

The next year, our house was burned. I never saw the grapes again. I wanted to dig through the rubble and see if they survived, but I wasn't allowed. I was sent away to stay with various relatives while things were handled. If my grapes survived, I was never told. And given everyone's reactions to them, I'm guessing they wouldn't have saved them for me anyway.

Today, I bought myself a new set of jade grapes. 

More Complaining

Today the company was nice, but the rest of it sucked. It was so very humid and my stomach was a mess. There was a small reprieve of rain for like an hour, then it went back to being miserable. 

Tonight I really can't let the cat sit on me anymore. I'm just teetering on the edge of a hot flash and I think she'll push me over said edge. 

Not Purrfect

I've tried to be in an emotionally good place, but the last two days, the cat is working my nerves. First thing yesterday, she jumped onto the chair, missed it, and anchored her claw into the tender spot where my fingernail and finger meet. It bled. Now it just hurts.

As I type this, she's sitting on my chest. If I move her, she just jumps back up here and parks herself on top of my breathing tube and my headphone cord. I grew tired of having to adjust all of that so I'm letting her stay. 

At least if she's on me, she's not in front of my monitor. 

Going Up

The Covid numbers in my state are going up again. The unvaccinated are filling the hospitals, all the while screaming that the whole thing is a lie. 

Our schools are starting without mask mandates. Already a lot of kids are being sent home and quarantined. Our state government doesn't want to do anything about it because they are convinced the worse the situation gets, the more people will turn against the Democrats. I don't think they quite grasp that their obvious plan is obvious. Ugggh. 

The Country Drive

My roommate's van wasn't being driven enough, so we've started a thing on Wednesdays where we take the van out for a drive in the afternoon. We're never out for long, mostly we just make a circle through the various backroads around us and look at people's land. 

I find that I look forward to this trip. With Covid going on, and let's face it, even before then, I wasn't much for outside-of-the-house activities. The occasional visit with a friend or maybe seeing my family members was about the extent of things for me. In the last year, for quite a while, that more or less stopped.

So this little drive around the backroads is a lot of fun for me. I get to look at nature (good) without having to BE in nature (for me, bad) and it revives a little bit of my soul substance. 

Old Cat Progress

Tinkerbell is very old. We're not sure how old she is, but we do know she was an adult before we moved here and that was 12 or so years ago. She didn't handle last summer well and we were afraid this summer might be her last.

However, this year she's doing pretty well. My roommate has changed up how the cats get their food and she's eating a lot better. Her fur looks healthy. She's interactive and emotionally connected with both of us. She spends a lot of the day either in his room looking out the window or hanging out with me. At night, she's sleeping in his room again.

Summer can be difficult on kitties. Keeping the temperature decent is necessary, but it's important to make sure the cats thrive in other ways too. Right now, despite her age, Tinkerbell seems to be thriving.

Considering

I bet it is pretty much every day now that I think about wireless earbuds. I know there are a lot of reasons NOT to get them. They're expensive. I could easily lose them. In many cases, the quality isn't super great.

However.....

Daily, DAILY, I fight with my chords. Daily, the cat manages to pull my headphones out of the jack. Daily, I manage to drop them on the floor and slide the footing of my desk over them. Or they get stuck somewhere else. Or the cat is laying on them. It's just such a hassle.

The thing is, I can get decent headphones for less than 20 bucks. I would have to spend a lot more on wireless ones and what if they annoy me still, just in new and different ways? That is a lot of money to spend on dissatisfaction.

Saturday Reflections

Today I mentally spent some time assessing where I am in my current goals. Things could be better, but the fact that I'm still pushing forward is progress for me. 

CountraPoints put out a video about envy. It's very thought-provoking. Envy is something I've always struggled with. I find that maturity helps me to grasp that, but it's still difficult. Recognizing envy in yourself isn't easy because there is a lot of shame and embarrassment connected to it. No one wants to admit they're envious of others. 

However, I think accepting the emotion for what it is and analyzing it as such will help me to keep the envy from festering into something worse. A lot of people start with envy and end up doing some horrible things to themselves and others. 

There are a lot of things I want to shed. Envy is one of those things.

Family Stuff

My father's father was a selfish and thoughtless man. I know you shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but I also don't think you should lie about them either. He was selfish and considered no one else when he made decisions. 

Three years after my grandfather's death, my father is still dealing with the consequences of this. It's frustrating and annoying. It's costing him money, time, and goodwill. 

My grandfather lied to my dad. He told him the farm was his when he died. He said this because he wanted my father physically invested in doing stuff at the farm. My dad would drive down there and fix fences and chop down trees and other bullshit, thinking it was an investment toward his future. It wasn't. 

My grandfather should have been honest and just said "look I can't do this thing, can you help me?" or better yet, he could have HIRED someone to do it. But no, he had to pull some scam on my dad. Mind you, this is the same man who used to take my dad to his (my grandfather's) favorite fish buffet place for his birthday. My dad is a vegetarian.